I fall down sometimes, but I'm not letting go

I had a little bit of a hard day today. We went to church, good sermon. We ate lunch, where Nate and I split a single-serving pizza and a salad. We walked around Sam's, where I avoided all tasting stations.

Then we stopped by Kent's house, passing a Panera on the way. I love Panera. I am specifically drawn to their I.C. Mocha, which I believe I have referenced in previous posts. They are my krypotnite. My Starbucks drink times 10. My Achille's heel. You get my drift.

And on the way home from Kent's, I stopped and got one. Nathan asked me, "Are you sure you want one?" And I did. And it was wonderful. And then we came home and took a big nap. A two hour nap.

I thought I was recovering from yesterday's exhaustion, but that was just plain silly. Chocolate craving. Big nap. Several weeks from the last dots on my calendar. Yep, PMS is in full swing.

What's really interesting to me is that this is the first time in years that I have noticed any difference in my body at any point in my cycle. If I'm not being "good" then I really don't notice cravings and laziness 'cause I used to give in to those all the time, before they had the opportunity to get strong or really be noticed.

So what I'm saying is that I'm content with PMS. I recognize it for what it is. I had an I.C. Mocha and it wasn't the end of the world. (But if you have one and put it into Spark People, just know that the nutrition values need to be changed - the small one is actually 2 servings. I looked it up.)

AND then I fixed quiche (it was awesome!) and rode on the bike at the gym for an hour. I would have gone another hour, but someone was on the only working treadmill (why don't they ever work?) and I was losing feeling in my butt on the bike.

Well, tomorrow is weigh-in, and I really don't know what to expect. My two highest calorie days this week were yesterday and today. I guess we'll see.

the dance we shared

Happy New Year's Eve!

So I officially weighed for the Easter Challenge this morning. 239.0. Big Ugh. Are you kidding me? Nope. It's true. I realized that I really have no idea how my weight has fluctuated as I kept this blog, only that this is my highest. In the spirit of all those great cable tv countdowns and yearly summaries that I am unable to watch (did you all know I don't have cable?), I decided to do a month by month blog summary of 2007.

February: I am a runner. I am respectful to my body. I am honest. I'm still working on it. I started running C25K. I had a great ephiphany about loving myself as I am today, not as I will be in the future.

March: I won a spelling bee at work. I had a tantrum over a magazine. I read a book. I made my first trip to Kansas. I ran and then I stopped running. I had a binge, started (but never finished) the Beck Diet Solution, and weighed 226 (after doing the math today because of vagueness then). I also took a lot of food pictures.

April: I officially stopped running. I went to Weight Watchers, had yet another awe-inspiring weight loss (lots of sarcasm there) , got a new car, and had a rant about points and serving sizes. I was interviewed by Fat Bridesmaid and had a successful weigh-in.

May: I wrote the post that entertained me the most, my jeans were loosey-goosey. I began a job search, had a ton of wedding guests, and learned that my grandfather has cancer. I realized that my beauty is an optical illusion. I quit my job and gained my 5 pounds back. I gave some of my weight loss success history, and we went to Asheville (where I "totally stuffed my face all weekend").

June: I went back to Weight Watchers and created my mission statement. I began the purging of my stuff. My whole family went to Kansas. I started a new job and had a successful weigh-in. I weighed 221.8.

July: I made a weight loss plan. I listened to my favorite sermon ever. We saw Nickel Creek. We found our new house. I had a boob ephiphany and made another weight loss plan. I weighed 225.4.

August: I bragged on my amazing husband. We sold our house and found a new one. I posted a Love List (complete with ephiphany). Our air conditioning went out. Work got difficult. We prepared for the move. I voiced my life coach dream. I obviously quit weighing myself here.

September: We moved. Very stressful. And we had severe phone issues (with new construction) so we had no internet.

October: Nathan posted for me! I made my 30-in-30 plan (another plan that was a huge embarrassing failure.) We saw Nickel Creek in Asheville (did I seriously not blog about this?), in Louisville, and Lexington. I found my weight loss motivation. I made more running plans that I did not keep to, and I did not weigh at all.

November: I turned 30. We celebrated 30. I took a lot of Thanksgiving pictures. I made a Christmas Plan (which fell flat before I even shared it).

December: We had an awesome trip to Asheville. I made sausage balls. Christmas! Priorities (including job hunt already). Resolutions. Weight of 239.0

What have I learned?

• When I blog every day, and am honest with my blog friends, I lose weight. (As in 5 pounds in April).
• How many times can I say I want to be a runner but I sit on my butt?
• If I stick with Weight Watchers, I LOSE WEIGHT.
• I make a lot of plans, and then I do nothing with them.
• We really love Nickel Creek.
• I take a lot of pictures.

Well, that's 2007. Here's to 2008!

so is it raining in your bedroom?

Well, I have filled out applications and sent out resumes. I make one more stop tomorrow, and then I wait.

I have had 2 disappointments today. First, Nathan and I went to the gym at our complex to do cardio. I was ready to walk to Wheel of Fortune. But no luck. All of the treadmills but one was broken, and the one not broken would not turn on. So I was lazy tonight. We watched the 3rd Pirates movie, and I was disappointed. I liked the last 30 minutes, but the first 2+ hours felt like I was watching something like Braveheart. Not that I don't enjoy Braveheart, but that's not what I expect from Jack Sparrow. Oh well.

I have been reading Eat, Pray, Love and have just finished the first section. I really feel like I need to write about how I can learn from the "eat" section before I proceed. (Don't worry...I won't ruin the book - no plot secrets here. Just my reactions.)

(On page 32, for anyone interested) The author describes a very powerful communication with God. She talks about wanting peace so badly, and creating a petition to ask God for this peace. She visualizes all those she loves joining with her in this petition, in support of her request, providing her support in her request. I don't know that I would ever approach God in this way, but it is very empowering. To think that when I have difficulty in my journey to health, I can think of my friends who believe in me. I know that I have the support of Fat Bridesmaid, and Marie, and Shirley, and Token Fat Girl, and Sarah, and Christine. And Nate and Jenifer, of course. It is a powerful visual to me, seeing you all standing around me (like Verizon's "network") in times of stress or exhaustion.

The other thing in the first section that I have been really sitting with is the visualization of my struggles. She puts "Depression" and "Lonliness" into human form and into her life. She talks about how they physically invade her space and what they act within her home. I have really been trying to see what Laziness and Boredom look like for me. I think Laziness and Boredom are my problems. I think Laziness is female. She looks like one of those girls who are skinny and pretty without even trying. She's wearing a UK sweatshirt, pajama pants, has her hair up in one of those messy ponytails, and is hot. She lays on the couch with a bag of chips, watching Oprah, and just rocks. I feel less guilty about being Lazy if she looks like she can be who I want to be without any of the work.

Boredom is just as big of an issue for me. I am actually able to eat healthy portions of food when in stressful situations. Today I only ate half of my Carraba's. I only ate half of my cheesecake at Kent's the other night. But then I come home and eat a decent-sized tub of cheese. Because I eat mindlessly. Boredom. But who does Boredom look like? Male or Female? I can't figure that out. I've been sitting with Boredom for 2 days, waiting for an epiphany, but haven't had one yet. I'll let you know.

I just thought that visualizing my issues as people was so powerful. And hopefully that will help me recognize and work against my issues. I'm not giving up on a picture of Boredom.

I am almost done finalizing my resolutions. I'm trying to make them concrete and specific, not vague "be better" or "do more." I'm also trying to figure out a rewards system, but with my career instability, I have to think of something that doesn't have to do with money. Any suggestions?

Happy New Year's Weekend!

got me in a haze, running for cover

Epiphany day!


But to backtrack a little...Ever notice how you run out of everything at the same time? I stopped wearing foundation last weekend 'cause I ran out. I was also crushing my powder and blush to get the stuff out of the corners. This weekend, I had to replinish my suppies of moisturizer, deodorant, shampoo, and conditioner. I noticed yesterday morning that the one bra that was in good shape has a hole in it. So today meant a trip to the mall.


I went to the mall in a bad mood. I'd gotten a message from our realtor that he wants to drop the asking price for the house that we are selling. That didn't sit well with me. I really don't think our price is unreasonable for the age, condition, square footage, and yard. Anyway, I was in a terrible mood and really had to keep myself in check. I really wanted to get what I needed and not take part in retail therapy. But first, I ordered a pair of chili dogs and fries at Gold Star. For reasons that ellude me, for the first time in months, I prayed over my feast of hot dogs. I only ate one of my hot dogs. And a little less than half of my fries. I wasn't trying to not eat, I just stopped when I was hungry. I should have recognized the beginning of things to come, but instead I was mad that my body literally wouldn't let me eat. Only now do I connect my prayer with my inability to stuff my face.


Then I went to the Clinique counter and purchased the necessary beautification products (foundation, powder, blush, mascara). I felt kinda bad for the amount of money I dropped for things to put on my face. In the back of my mind, though, I knew that the more time I put into my appearance, the better I feel about myself and the more motivated I am to make more changes. I've gotten really lazy with my make-up. I think that's representative of my generaly laziness.


Then I bit the bullet. I met my enemy head on. I walked into Victoria's Secret. (I know that Lane Bryant bras would fit me better, but I cannot make myself walk back in there. Several years ago, I swore I'd never go back. I've only backslid a few times.) And, in Victoria's Secret, my outlook on my body changed.


First of all, they have increased the sizes they carry in the store. I'm used to having to dig and dig and get help to find bras that fit me, usually in the biggest size they carry. I was so pleased to find bras with numbers and cups that are bigger than mine. That, in itself, gave me a kind of acceptance I haven't felt in a lingerie store EVER. I was able to take bras of different sizes into the fitting room to find the best fit, not pray that the biggest size would fit.


I went into the dressing room with probably a dozen bras, hoping to find two. The first bra I put on was it. The bra of all bras. (A Body by Victoria® NEW! Secret Embrace™ satin full coverage bra in a 38D in whisper pink, to be exact) And there, in the dressing room, I had my ephiphany:


If you ignore the rest of my body, and keep them properly corralled, I have very nice breasts.


I don't know that I have EVER had a positive thought about a part of my body that isn't my eyes. Isn't that sad? It's the truth. Even when I weighed 175 (which feels like a ton lighter than now), I was still incredibly critical; Never seeing what I had accomplished, only what I had to go. Today, in the well-lit dressing room, I saw what I could have. A body to match my boobs. It was an amazing moment in the life of Krissie.

So where do we go from here?

1. Tomorrow morning, I am going to follow Fat Bridesmaid's lead. I'm going to weigh myself. I'm taking a picture, and you all will see it. The ugliness will be out there, for all to see. And we can all see where I will start.


2. No more breakfast/lunch/snacks/caffeine breaks/convenient store runs/"team building" work lunches. I am eating food from my house. Breakfast at home. Lunch from home. Dinner at home. We went grocery shopping on Saturday. Between that and our blackberry bushes, we are stocked.


3. We don't have any Starbucks drinks in the fridge. I guess that means no more of them, either. (I heard your collective gasp!)


4. Tomorrow morning, I'm going to get up when Nathan gets up and do either yoga or pilates.


5. I'm going to start the Beck Diet Solution again. It was working for me before. For heaven's sake, I'm a therapist!! I teach people to use the same skills and I'm not willing to use them? No more.

Thank you so much for reading my ramblings. As a treat for those of you who finished, here's one of my favorite pictures. This is around our first year anniversary (summer 2004), on the porch of a rented beach house, at probably my lowest weight. (Look, I'm wearing the same necklace from the pic in this post that you commented on!)

(And I'm still adjusting to the fact that Sarah hasn't accepted me as a friend, as mentioned in the same post. Sigh.)

if you burn the road that will lead you back

another long day. met with mortgage lady. she had good news. then we met with builder of the lofts. not good news. he won't budge on the price. i'm frustrated. so we're keeping them on the back burner but looking at other houses. we don't really know what the family who looked at our house this past weekend thought. we'll have to wait and see.

work is exhausting, but i love it. i love my job.

once again, i drove by sonic around 945 tonight and resisted the peanut butter milkshake again. i totally rock.

but i'm still not feeling good in general. just yucky. more of the same from the past few days. i'm hoping it's somehow hormonal and i'll snap out if it in a few days. for Nathan's sake.

just like yesterday's picture made me smile, i decided to post another for today.

this is my dear, sweet farley cat. he's really a grouchy old man. he likes to crawl in my bags. he makes me smile. he also likes to sleep on the pillow beside my head. he gets 90% of the pillow at night. it's okay, he's protecting me. at night, i have Nathan on one side and farley on the other. i love my boys!

he will take care of me, he will smell like the sea

i have the best husband ever.

i also have the best blog friends in the world. the comments and emails were very much needed and i appreciate them a lot.

i can't say i feel a lot better today.

but i did eat better. i did not have a peanut butter milkshake from sonic even though i drove by it on my way home from work at 930pm.

i'll take any small victory today.

laughing out loud while she's crying inside

I heart Nickel Creek. The show last night was awesome.

The first thing worth mentioning is that I ran into my very first friend ever. Jenifer and I met at the waterfountain on the first day of kindergarden. She's my Jen. And she rocks. Not only does she read my blog every day (we all know that makes her cool), she also hooked Nathan up with the local reporter and several of Nate's comments made the front-page Nickelcreek interview in the Ashland Daily Independent.


I followed directions and didn't take any pictures. I wasn't taking any chances getting kicked out. So these pictures are also via the Independent.


An introduction to Nickel Creek. Chris plays mandolin. My Sister-In-Law Leah insists that Nathan looks like Chris. I mean, they both play the mandolin, have similar spotted ties, and are hot. I buy it. (Nathan doesn't make funny faces when playing his mandolin, though.)


Sara plays fiddle. I think she is incredibly cute. She was also wearing awesome red shoes.



I'm not sure why there isn't a pic of Sean playing the guitar, but here's the whole band. We were in the 9th row or so.

They played all the stuff I really had to hear. I think we're going to make plans to see them again in August, and again later in the year. I am really excited. You need to check them out.

That being said, I'm really depressed today. I don't know that I'm able to put it into words just yet. It's a combination of the following:

a) I absolutely hate the way I look. We spent a lot of time today looking at Nate's brother's wedding pictures, and it was really hard to look at myself.

b) I am not a mom. Most of the time, I am okay with that. (For those of you who haven't read my old blogs, our lack of child is not for lack of effort.) Most of the time I can have perspective and think about God's plan for my life and not my own. But then I hold babies over the weekend. And then we talk about our friends who are having babies. And then, in my head, it goes back to the fat thing, and I get in a cycle of thinking that my fatness contributes, maybe even causes, the lack of a baby.

c) I have absolutely no idea where we will be and when the move will happen. I just want to be in a different place. Geographically. Spritually. Mentally. Size of clothing-ly.

So what did I have for dinner? A peanut butter milkshake from Sonic. Yeah, that fixes things.

beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth

Wow. I knew I'd been busy, but I didn't know I'd gone 2 days without posting. Geez.

Things have been really busy. We've officially got our house on the market. That's really scary. We don't know what we'll get out of it, and that will determine what we are able to afford when we move. It's discouraging to me that we've put all this work into the house and we're not going to see the financial gain we'd expected. Or I guess just that we'd hoped for.

And how have I coped with this? Eating and tv. Groan.

Eating has been terrible. We had Taco Bell for dinner last night. (Although for lunch the last 2 days I had the tomato and mozzarella salad from Panera and it's amazing.) I am trying so hard to be back on track. So hard. This morning was Starbucks and banana. Lunch will be black bean burgers, and hopefully fish or shrimp for dinner. I am trying to focus on my eating. Focus on better eating.

Yeah, and we've been watching a lot of Seinfeld. And last night I watched the rerun of Oprah. It was the first installment of the Life Your Best Life Diet. Bob Green kept telling them (and me) that we need to figure out why we are fat before we can expect to change it. He said that when we say things like, "I like food" or "I'm just lazy" we are just lying to ourselves. So that's my job for today. Why am I fat? I am a therapist. I can figure this out.

I have been listening to sermons on my way home though. That's been good for me. Monday's was about marriage and how we approach marriage and how we involve God in our marriages are the ways to make it work. I guess I take for granted that I have a strong marriage. I have never even thought that divorce could ever be an option. That's almost laughable to me. I guess I don't think about the people that don't have a connection to God and how that impacts their connection to a spouse. It was fascinating to me.

The sermon yesterday talked about secrets, referencing postsecret. He spoke of how keeping secrets is detrimental and involves lying to others, ourselves, and God. I really liked it.

(By the way, if you ever want a sermon that I reference, feel free to contact me and I'll tell you which podcast it's from. All the sermons I download are available through iTunes.)

Today is going to be a great day. Independence Day. I am going to try very hard to do things in a mindful way today, thinking of how I am freeing myself of things and of baggage and of whatever it is that is keeping me fat. Wish me luck.

Have a great Independence Day if you're American, and just have a great day if you are something else!

listen to the music on the lake

Days remaining of current job: 3

Today has been a huge, embarrassing failure because:

• I had 2 starbucks drinks today.
• I bought a new Vera Bradley bag. After all my purging of bags. I really did need one to have as a carry-on for Friday. That means I have to put one of the ones I decided to keep in the Goodwill pile. That will be done. Amen.
• I have eaten 3 mini Reese cups today.
• Nathan spent all evening working in the yard. I did very little. I mostly watched tv and played stupid games on the internet.
• The crap I cleaned out of my desk and shelves at work will almost fill up my trunk. I can't bear to leave it behind because I paid for the stuff (art therapy supplies, play therapy supplies, books, toys, games, etc). Although I won't use it in my new job, I'm not about to leave it there. It's a stubbornness and pride thing for me I guess. I don't know where I'm going to put it all in my house. I guess it's a good thing I'd cleaned out so much stuff.

Today has been a success because:

• I went through the drive-thru at Taco Bell today. I had a single soft taco supreme and an extra large ice water.
• I managed to have a meeting with the boss's boss and stayed objective and factual about why I am unhappy with my current job.
• I pulled weeds in the flowerbeds in the front of the house and around trees.
• I talked to my friend Vanessa in Idaho. I'm going to make hotel reservations so we can attend her wedding in July. It's not in Idaho, just Ohio.

Despite my annoyances with today, the next week will be awesome because:

I finish my job on Thursday!Thursday night finds me and Nate in a hotel in Louisville so that...

Friday we will board a plane and head to see the brother Zak in Kansas! We are meeting my parents, my other brother and his wife for a long weekend in the Sunflower State. It's been a while since we've all been together that hasn't been due to illness. I miss my brothers. We're all growing up, and away, now. I'm three hours from home, Nick's still home but he works and goes to school all the time, and Zak's 12 hours from home. There was a day when we used to look like this. Sigh. I have no idea how old this picture is. I mean, isn't the spiral perm every young girl's dream? But at least the boys don't have mullets. They must have outgrown them by then...

this only serves to confirm my suspicion

Yeah. So I went to Weight Watchers yesterday morning. And I now officially weigh more than when I started 2 months ago. By .8 pounds. Yeah. I'm a loser. Or I'm not a loser. However you want to look at it.

I wish I could say that it was a kick in the butt or some big motivator or something, but that wouldn't be totally true. I did okay food-wise yesterday (starbucks drink, banana with peanut butter, hamburger and steamed veggies, mandarin chicken salad). And, for the most part, I did okay today (starbucks drink; spinach omlette, hash browns, toast; red lentil curry and rice, milk), ignoring the IC Mocha from Panera. Groan.

I've come across several things recently that I really want to blog about, and one more hit me today. I really like Postsecret. I do not link to it on my sideboard 'cause there is often nudity and otherwise sexual material. But I do think it often provides thoughts of others that I can relate to. Two postcards in particular this week really spoke to me.



We are all waiting for something. Some of us have legitimate reasons. But I think that mostly we have excuses. I am the queen of justifying things and making excuses. I'll run when I have new running shoes. I have them, and I'm not running. I'll eat healthier when I buy healthy things at the grocery store. We did that, and I still had an IC Mocha today. I'll go to the gym when the time changes; I hate getting out of bed in the dark. The time changed months ago and I spend 40 minutes each morning reading blogs, just to do it again when I get home!


What am I waiting for? I'm waiting for this to be easy. I'm waiting to prefer the taste of a frozen Kashi meal to a meatloaf sandwich. I'm waiting for Starbucks drinks to no longer be available at Mr. Kwik every morning. I'm waiting for the treadmill to come to my house, pick me up, and invite me to the gym. While there, the treadmill will welcome me with a grilled cheese sandwich, a Pepsi on ice and a pill that burns calories and builds muscle while I take a nap. A nice nap in a soft bed and lots of pillows that smells like lavendar. Wake up, Krissie! It's not going to happen!

What can I do? Keep on keeping on. I have mentioned this list in a previous post, but I created one of my own. I'm going to make many small copies and post it everywhere (in my car, on my desk, on my fridge, on my mirror, in my wallet, and anywhere else I look often). And I'm going to read it until I believe it. I may add excuses as they arise, but I will defeat this. I will win the battle with myself. I believe I can do that.

Not Monday. Not when all the food is gone. Not after the holidays. Not after my birthday. Not when it is warmer outside. Not when I buy the healthy groceries. Not when I have time to go to the gym. Not after my period. Not when it stops raining. Not right before an important event. Not when I get that new exercise DVD. Not when I get new sneakers. Not after this pint of ice cream. Not after I buy the clothes that don’t fit. Not after vacation. Not after we move. Not after I research my next diet plan. Not because I feel guilty. Not because of him. Not because I feel bad about the way I look. Not after this weekend. Not after this last bite. Not because of fear. Not for anyone else.
I choose me. I choose today.

Keep me accountable, okay?

And remember to register to win the amazing musical mix (currentley titled Kick off the Covers) by commenting on this post. And, since I can't count or consult a calendar, the drawing will be Sunday, June 10 (not the 9th, since that is a Saturday).

I hope you all had a great weekend, and have a great Monday in store. Only 9 days left of the current job! Single digits!