Friday, December 28, 2007

leaning the ladder against the wrong wall

Okay. I'm back. And I'm fierce. (if not in action, at least no more fluff.)

We are having an awesome vacation at home. We have had dinner with friends and family. We have gone shopping. We have watched tv. We have cleaned out closets. I have generally been avoiding all the stress that is balled up inside me.

First, I am having severe career confusion. I may lose my job next week. (I don't go back until Wednesday.) I have decided that I am tired. I am tired of the mental health field. I am actually pursuing other options, mainly retail and Starbucks and reception. I am aware that I will probably have to work 1.5 jobs to pull my financial weight in my family, but I am willing to do so in order to be able to feel like I don't live at my job.

Secondly, I am tired of spinning my wheels with my weight and my health. Just plain tired of it. I am making small steps. I am recording what I eat on For better or worse. I had a salad for dinner last night, even though my friends had fish and chips and the goat cheese dip. I had a salad. No cheese, light on the dressing. I also exercised yesterday. But I'm really sore today. I have big plans for tomorrow.

I have been reading back through my blogs of this year, and I think I have a lot to learn from myself, and you guys. Although the post that struck me most, almost bringing tears, was a quote from the Token Fat Girl. (I quoted you then, and I'll quote you again now. My original post is here, and her's is here.)

My point is, is that for whatever reason, like seemingly a lot of people I’ve succumbed to living a half life. I have very sweet moments, but there are so many times that I go through the motions, get caught up in the negative, fight the wrong battles and take advantage of my body and health as if it were here forever. There are things that I want in life and somehow disconnect dreams with reality. Living a so-so life just isn’t acceptable to me anymore. When I die, no one will thank me for not living my life. I don’t mean to be so cliché. Part of me fears being the best I can, what will people think? Do I deserve the best? What is the best? I know deep down that I have been punishing my life with food and self-pity for reasons that ultimately are not that important.

I have a new understanding that I don’t have enough time to be mediocre. I don’t have enough energy to cater to the insecurities of other people. I don’t have enough time to sabotage my health. I don’t have enough time to not live my life. I don’t have time to take for granted my friends and family. I don’t have time to not be the person I dream to be.

I am printing this out, and taking it with me. I think she spoke so well to where I am today. I know I have more blessings than I can count, but that's no excuse for being satisfied. I am worth more than dreading work every day. I am worth more than laying on the couch and being lazy (especially with the writers strike - seriously).

That being said, I feel really overwhelmed, and I'm not ready for an action plan yet. I have decided that instead of waiting until I get my head straight to blog, I will instead blog to get my head straight. So today, instead of the "what" I am going to do, I am focusing on the "why."

  • I am finding a new job because I am tired and feel totally unrewarded.

That was easy. Now to the big stuff.

I want to be healthy because:

  • I want to be able to buy clothes based on how they fit not if they fit.
  • I want to be a runner.
  • I want to have kids. I truly believe that my weight is playing a huge role in the no-baby arena.
  • I want to feel in control of my life.
  • I want to feel like I don't have to hide from people, and God. I want to be honest, transparent, true to who I am. That's not who I am today.

I am on a mission. I have Nathan's help. I have faith in myself. And I have the support of all you. You all have no idea how thankful I am for all of you.

What about you? Why do you want to be better? Why do you want to change? Why will you change?


Christine said...

Felt like I was reading my own goals and thoughts. I really want to run - I really want a family - I want to be able to walk into any store I want and have so many choices it makes my head spin.

I do believe that 2008 is going to be a good year. We are all itching to make huge changes.


I love this post. I want to get dressed in the morning and not have to base my whole outfit on which pants fit me that week. I want to run from the parking lot into the coffee shop when it's raining and not get out of breath. And I want to be able to flirt with a guy and not be embarrassed when I realize he's looking at my body.

I will change because I've finally had enough of the half-life and I'm ready to be a whole person.

Christine said...

Hey - the font is called Blackadder. So looking forward to 2008. :)