Sunday, July 15, 2007

laughing out loud while she's crying inside

I heart Nickel Creek. The show last night was awesome.

The first thing worth mentioning is that I ran into my very first friend ever. Jenifer and I met at the waterfountain on the first day of kindergarden. She's my Jen. And she rocks. Not only does she read my blog every day (we all know that makes her cool), she also hooked Nathan up with the local reporter and several of Nate's comments made the front-page Nickelcreek interview in the Ashland Daily Independent.

I followed directions and didn't take any pictures. I wasn't taking any chances getting kicked out. So these pictures are also via the Independent.

An introduction to Nickel Creek. Chris plays mandolin. My Sister-In-Law Leah insists that Nathan looks like Chris. I mean, they both play the mandolin, have similar spotted ties, and are hot. I buy it. (Nathan doesn't make funny faces when playing his mandolin, though.)

Sara plays fiddle. I think she is incredibly cute. She was also wearing awesome red shoes.

I'm not sure why there isn't a pic of Sean playing the guitar, but here's the whole band. We were in the 9th row or so.

They played all the stuff I really had to hear. I think we're going to make plans to see them again in August, and again later in the year. I am really excited. You need to check them out.

That being said, I'm really depressed today. I don't know that I'm able to put it into words just yet. It's a combination of the following:

a) I absolutely hate the way I look. We spent a lot of time today looking at Nate's brother's wedding pictures, and it was really hard to look at myself.

b) I am not a mom. Most of the time, I am okay with that. (For those of you who haven't read my old blogs, our lack of child is not for lack of effort.) Most of the time I can have perspective and think about God's plan for my life and not my own. But then I hold babies over the weekend. And then we talk about our friends who are having babies. And then, in my head, it goes back to the fat thing, and I get in a cycle of thinking that my fatness contributes, maybe even causes, the lack of a baby.

c) I have absolutely no idea where we will be and when the move will happen. I just want to be in a different place. Geographically. Spritually. Mentally. Size of clothing-ly.

So what did I have for dinner? A peanut butter milkshake from Sonic. Yeah, that fixes things.



Okay, so the shake doesn't fix things, but will it make you feel better if you know that i had shake for dinner too? Maybe? And that not only that, but I also had a weekend when the thought process involved a lot of "wow I really hate my body"?

You're doing great, girlie, and that's the important thing. You're setting goals for yourself and you're reaching them whic is HARD. There are going to bumps along the way -- physical, mental, emotional and spiritual -- and you've just got to do the best you can to push through. It isn't always easy, but in the end, when you get what you've been working so hard for, for so long, the reward is just a little bit sweeter.

You can do it!

marie said...

there's definitely a plan for you in life in terms of a child and that will happen when things are right.

the weight loss we can control though. we do have bumps in the road though, that's life. but we do need to pick our battles and learn to be strong and overcome things. I'm one of the worst though. I'll be the first to pick up ben & jerry's just because i'm bored and want something to keep me company, but I do know better.

It won't fill up the empty feeling just like your arms are feeling for a little one.

Sarah said...

Glad you had a good time at Nickel Creek!

You'll figure things out. You'll find a place to live, you're house will sell. The bad feelings will pass. You are awesome, keep up with your plans!

Briana said...

It's so easy to get into that cycle of bad thinking, isn't it? I am stuck too lately, but I am confident that it will pass (both for you and me).
Your comment you made to me is so true and works for you too! - that everything will work out, not necessarily in the exact way we think it will, but it will.

Maybe someday we'll learn not to cope with food...

And for what it's worth, I think you are a beautiful person inside and out, both your blog and the pictures you put up show it!

Mindy said...

It sounds cheesy but when I'm down I really do tell myself "This too shall pass." Somehow it's reassuring to me.

Just hang in there, you are such an inspiration to the people out here in the blog world. I can't imagine what a force you are in 'real life'!

Monique said...

You usually have such a positive attitude about things, and you can't expect to be that way 24/7.. so it's ok to get in a slump. You'll pull yourself out of it.

Having spent over 15 years dealing with infertility in every shape or form, I completely understand where you are going from. It was a very hard time for me, and eventually, I had to come to terms that it was not in my hands, and when it happens, it happens.

I often listen to a song that says, "He will never put more on me, than I can bear..." and I never imagined a line of words could help me as much as they have.