But to backtrack a little...Ever notice how you run out of everything at the same time? I stopped wearing foundation last weekend 'cause I ran out. I was also crushing my powder and blush to get the stuff out of the corners. This weekend, I had to replinish my suppies of moisturizer, deodorant, shampoo, and conditioner. I noticed yesterday morning that the one bra that was in good shape has a hole in it. So today meant a trip to the mall.
I went to the mall in a bad mood. I'd gotten a message from our realtor that he wants to drop the asking price for the house that we are selling. That didn't sit well with me. I really don't think our price is unreasonable for the age, condition, square footage, and yard. Anyway, I was in a terrible mood and really had to keep myself in check. I really wanted to get what I needed and not take part in retail therapy. But first, I ordered a pair of chili dogs and fries at Gold Star. For reasons that ellude me, for the first time in months, I prayed over my feast of hot dogs. I only ate one of my hot dogs. And a little less than half of my fries. I wasn't trying to not eat, I just stopped when I was hungry. I should have recognized the beginning of things to come, but instead I was mad that my body literally wouldn't let me eat. Only now do I connect my prayer with my inability to stuff my face.
Then I went to the Clinique counter and purchased the necessary beautification products (foundation, powder, blush, mascara). I felt kinda bad for the amount of money I dropped for things to put on my face. In the back of my mind, though, I knew that the more time I put into my appearance, the better I feel about myself and the more motivated I am to make more changes. I've gotten really lazy with my make-up. I think that's representative of my generaly laziness.
Then I bit the bullet. I met my enemy head on. I walked into Victoria's Secret. (I know that Lane Bryant bras would fit me better, but I cannot make myself walk back in there. Several years ago, I swore I'd never go back. I've only backslid a few times.) And, in Victoria's Secret, my outlook on my body changed.
First of all, they have increased the sizes they carry in the store. I'm used to having to dig and dig and get help to find bras that fit me, usually in the biggest size they carry. I was so pleased to find bras with numbers and cups that are bigger than mine. That, in itself, gave me a kind of acceptance I haven't felt in a lingerie store EVER. I was able to take bras of different sizes into the fitting room to find the best fit, not pray that the biggest size would fit.
I went into the dressing room with probably a dozen bras, hoping to find two. The first bra I put on was it. The bra of all bras. (A Body by Victoria® NEW! Secret Embrace™ satin full coverage bra in a 38D in whisper pink, to be exact) And there, in the dressing room, I had my ephiphany:
If you ignore the rest of my body, and keep them properly corralled, I have very nice breasts.
I don't know that I have EVER had a positive thought about a part of my body that isn't my eyes. Isn't that sad? It's the truth. Even when I weighed 175 (which feels like a ton lighter than now), I was still incredibly critical; Never seeing what I had accomplished, only what I had to go. Today, in the well-lit dressing room, I saw what I could have. A body to match my boobs. It was an amazing moment in the life of Krissie.
So where do we go from here?
- Tomorrow morning, I am going to follow Fat Bridesmaid's lead. I'm going to weigh myself. I'm taking a picture, and you all will see it. The ugliness will be out there, for all to see. And we can all see where I will start.
- No more breakfast/lunch/snacks/caffeine breaks/convenient store runs/"team building" work lunches. I am eating food from my house. Breakfast at home. Lunch from home. Dinner at home. We went grocery shopping on Saturday. Between that and our blackberry bushes, we are stocked.
- We don't have any Starbucks drinks in the fridge. I guess that means no more of them, either. (I heard your collective gasp!)
- Tomorrow morning, I'm going to get up when Nathan gets up and do either yoga or pilates.
- I'm going to start the Beck Diet Solution again. It was working for me before. For heaven's sake, I'm a therapist!! I teach people to use the same skills and I'm not willing to use them? No more.
Thank you so much for reading my ramblings. As a treat for those of you who finished, here's one of my favorite pictures. This is around our first year anniversary (summer 2004), on the porch of a rented beach house, at probably my lowest weight. (Look, I'm wearing the same necklace from the pic in this post that you commented on!)
(And I'm still adjusting to the fact that Sarah hasn't accepted me as a friend, as mentioned in the same post. Sigh.)