Thursday, January 31, 2008

ain't that what you want them to know

My pedicure is beautiful. I have a sore left-foot-ring-toe. I don't remember any pain, but she obviously hurt my toe. Oh well. I needed a gym day off anyway. And I planned on doing yoga/pilates, so I should be fine.

(And I've got a great "Scale-Free February" graphic showing my great toes, but I can't get it to load! I'm not giving up, just posting anyway. You'll see it soon!)

I am incredibly proud of myself. We went out to dinner after church last night. We went to Ramsey's - sort of a local Cracker Barrel type joint. Others at the table had big breakfasts, a fried buffalo chicken sandwich, chicken-fried steak. And what did I have? A chicken sandwich. A small grilled chicken breast on whole-wheat toast with tomatoes, lettuce, sprouts, and avocado. And how was it? AWESOME! It was exactly what I wanted! I felt full and satisfied and proud that I stuck to plan. I didn't feel slighted or angry or anything. It was great.

I wanted to publically announce that I have the best husband ever. He also thinks I need an iPhone. Yeah. So within the next few days, I'll have a new toy. (The phone is in his name, so he'll have to be with me to get the number switched.) But the best part is the conversation that occurred in the car last night:

Nate: Yeah, go ahead. Get the iPhone. It's fine.
Me: Sweet. You'll get some really good sex when I bring it home.
Nate: Oh, is that what it takes? Wait. That's not what I meant!
Me: So it's not always really good?
Nate: That's not what I meant!

And that conversation made it impossible for him to renig.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

how could I forget you, girl

Today I had my first official argument with my body/mind/soul whatever.. It was not pretty.

I had breakfast and went to the gym. It was pretty much horrible. I can typically spend days on the treadmill, but about 12 minutes in, I was incredibly bored. I was even watching Arrested Development and that didn't help. About 27 minutes in, the lovely lady to my left dismounted the Arc Trainer. "Great!" I thought. "I can try that for a while and I'll feel better!" And after 30 minutes on the treadmill, I went to the new machine.

30 seconds into the Arc Trainer, I knew I had been fooling myself. It was not better. I only spent 3 minutes on it before I was ready to shoot it. My body felt awkward. I felt like I was having to put way too much energy into it, compared to other days. At 15 minutes, I too dismounted.

And I went to the weights/circuit machines. And there I rocked. For a solid 45 minutes, I lifted, grunted, squeezed, crunched, etc. And I felt really really good. I wanted to watch What Not to Wear, so I decided to go to the old standby: the bike.

I hated it. Every pedal felt like I was truding through knee-high mud. I convinced myself that I had to do 15 minutes. I figured that was long enough for me to power through. At that point, I would either be fine and be able to finish out my show or I would give myself permission to quit.

And at 15 minutes, I quit. I literally just could not do it. And I was frustrated.

But did I binge? Did I get down on myself? Did I drive through Culvers?


I decided to reward myself for all my hard work. And it was fun.

I went to Lane Bryant 'cause I had a coupon. I can now wear dresses in the smallest size that they carry! I would have bought two, but they were overpriced. (Or would be underworn. Why buy a dress for the same amount as pants? I could get away with wearing the dress, what, twice a month? But I can wear the pants twice a week with different tops and no one is any wiser!) Oh, yeah, I bought these brown dress pants and this awesome green sweater. I need work attire!

I then headed to the cell phone store. I need an new cell phone. Mine randomly hangs up on people and gives a busy signal. But I have decided to wait until I have a few paychecks and can convince Nathan that I really need an iPhone. (Wish me luck!)

And then, since tomorrow is my last weigh-in for a while, I decided I needed a pedicure for the scale picture. And I just deserve it. It was an amazing pedicure, and the magazine at my chair was the weight loss issue of People. Groovy!

Now it's time to wake Nate from his nap and head to church. Have a great Wednesday!

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

not way over in a bucket seat

Poor Nathan. We had a repeat of last night's dinner tonight. I had difficulty with the cheese last night, but I rocked it tonight. I don't think he had any complaints.

I'm starting to realize that I go back to work next week. I am excited, but nervous. I have nothing to wear!

I have officially decided to do a Scale-Free February. And I'm working on some cool graphic for anyone who wants to join me.

Thanks everyone for all the nice comments. I am still mildly frustrated, but that's got a fire under my butt, so that's okay.

Almost time to go to the gym! I love working out to Biggest Loser. There's gonna be drama tonight...the ads make it look like Jillian cries! It's gonna be a good one!

tell each other fairy tales

I was really angry yesterday with my maintaining after hard work. But it didn't push me to binge, it instead pushed me to the gym. (That's a huge victory for me.) But enough about me. I feel so much better knowing that I am not alone.

This has been a tough scale week for us healthy bloggers. Some of us are struggling for motivation as the "newness" of 2008 has worn off. But what troubles me more are those of us who are totally rocking our eating and workouts, and the scale is not cooperating.

Fat Bridesmaid has totally kicked butt in the gym and the scale hasn't moved for several weeks. But she's not giving up! She has my quote for the week:

I hate plateaus. I hate them because they seem fundamentally unfair. You work hard, you make sacrifices, and fight temptation, and what do you get to show for it? Nothing. It's like your body gives you the once over, a sarcastic grin and says Ha! Try again fatty.

My dear friend Sarah actually gained a pound despite 796 minutes at the gym the previous week. And she's hanging in there!

I love Briana. And her scale is going in the wrong direction! She has totally rocked 50 pounds off, and now she's a little confused about her scale. What I love about her is she has found some specific things she didn't do so well and is making changes to her eating to fix it.

But, as always, back to me. I hate the scale today. What really frustrates me is the inability to know exactly what I need to change for the scale to be different next week. Yes, I had an IC Mocha. BUT I stayed within my SparkPeople calorie range for that day. But I have typically been eating below what the site says I should eat. I eat based on my hunger and I quit before I am full. When I figure up my calories as points, I am eating significantly below my recommended point value. Should I be eating more? But I'm not hungry for more! What if I eat more and GAIN? I'd just die! But what if I keep eating 1500 calories a day and don't lose either? (Insert frustrated scream here.)

When I did Weight Watchers before, I genuinely half-assed the program. I wrote down *most* of what I ate. I exercised a few times a week, but I never sweated like I have this year. I was focused *most* weekends, but never really committed 100%. And I lost 46 pounds in a year. And now I'm doing this health thing 95% (I stand by that number!) and I maintain? What?

I know I ususally ooze positivity. Maybe it's the scale. Maybe it's hormones. Maybe it's boredom from not working. All I know is I'm frustrated. And frustration is motivating me to keep trudging.

I'm seriously thinking about taking a "Scale-Free February" and setting a goal of exercise minutes or calories or something. Maybe it would help if I could judge my success on numbers I can control instead of the somewhat-arbitrary scale. I mean, I'm going to be out of town for half of the month, and no access to my scale, so why not see what happens?

Because the lack of accountablility of a scale might push me over the edge into craziness and eating and laziness?

(Yes, insert another frustrated scream at this point.)

Monday, January 28, 2008

my hero zero

226.8 - 226.8 = zero. What?

Well, this week I stayed the same. (And my toenails are seriously chipped, thus the socks.)

Breakdown of the week that was:

Average daily calories: 1513

Exercise: 5 days for 6 hours and 40 minutes total

I am not happy, but I am not frustrated. I'm just not cutting any more corners. No more Panera. No more being lazy. Just hard freaking work.

The next two weeks I'll be weighing on Sundays, due to being out of town during the week for new job. And then I'll be in Atlanta (far from my native Kentucky) from 2/10 - 2/20, so I don't know what my posting will be like in that time.

Happy Monday! Good luck on the scale!

Sunday, January 27, 2008

I fall down sometimes, but I'm not letting go

I had a little bit of a hard day today. We went to church, good sermon. We ate lunch, where Nate and I split a single-serving pizza and a salad. We walked around Sam's, where I avoided all tasting stations.

Then we stopped by Kent's house, passing a Panera on the way. I love Panera. I am specifically drawn to their I.C. Mocha, which I believe I have referenced in previous posts. They are my krypotnite. My Starbucks drink times 10. My Achille's heel. You get my drift.

And on the way home from Kent's, I stopped and got one. Nathan asked me, "Are you sure you want one?" And I did. And it was wonderful. And then we came home and took a big nap. A two hour nap.

I thought I was recovering from yesterday's exhaustion, but that was just plain silly. Chocolate craving. Big nap. Several weeks from the last dots on my calendar. Yep, PMS is in full swing.

What's really interesting to me is that this is the first time in years that I have noticed any difference in my body at any point in my cycle. If I'm not being "good" then I really don't notice cravings and laziness 'cause I used to give in to those all the time, before they had the opportunity to get strong or really be noticed.

So what I'm saying is that I'm content with PMS. I recognize it for what it is. I had an I.C. Mocha and it wasn't the end of the world. (But if you have one and put it into Spark People, just know that the nutrition values need to be changed - the small one is actually 2 servings. I looked it up.)

AND then I fixed quiche (it was awesome!) and rode on the bike at the gym for an hour. I would have gone another hour, but someone was on the only working treadmill (why don't they ever work?) and I was losing feeling in my butt on the bike.

Well, tomorrow is weigh-in, and I really don't know what to expect. My two highest calorie days this week were yesterday and today. I guess we'll see.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

jealous of the moon

Today was my "Krissie Got a Job!" lunch celebraion. All in all, I think I really ate okay. I went significantly over my typical calorie intake of late, but I am still safely within what SparkPeople says should be my calorie range. Yay!

The party started with homemade Sangria. This was split between like 8 of us, so I really didn't drink that much of it. But it was really good.

Then came appetiziers. I love brie, fruit, and bread.
Nothing says Par-Tay! like roasted red pepper hummus. (Yes, I know I'm a dork.)
I think I did really well with the appetizers, as my plate looked like this: (Don't you love my Incredible Hulk plate?)

Then I made Beef and Burgundy. Now there's a little more butter than I usually cook with, but I am choosing this as a Celebration food. And that's okay. I ate one ladle full, over about 3/4 cup of brown rice, so all in all I think I did really well.

My dear friend, Nicole, is aware of how I'm trying to be good. So she made this Pineapple Cake. It's angel food cake, whipped cream, pineapples, sugar free pudding mix, and strawberries. I could have eaten it all day. But I had a slice at the party, and another slice for dinner.
For dinner, I also had two more small slices of brie, a strawberry, and two little slivers of bread. And a small mocha latte from Starbucks.

Nathan is at the gym. I feel terrible for not going, but I am exhausted. It was a long day. A good day, of course, but entertaining exhausts me. It's 9:30, and I'm getting ready to curl up in bed with a book.

It blows my mind how exhaustion changes my entire attitude. I know I did very well food-wise today. We had a great time with our friends. I have a job! I have an amazing husband. But being too tired to go to the gym makes me feel like a total failure and makes me want to attack the leftover hummus. That is why I need to go upstairs, away from the kitchen.

Friday, January 25, 2008

i was blind to let you go

I cleaned house all day today. Now, we've only been in our house since September. And it was brand new when we moved in.

I thought I'd done a pretty good job with keeping things clean. I spray the shower with the preventative stuff every day. I clean the kitchen counter almost every day. We scoop the litter every day and use the dust broom for the litter that escapes. We vacuum, make the bed, keep clothes put away, and clean the mirrors.

But until I really started to clean, I didn't realize how dirty our house was. The floor of the shower was not pretty. There was a lot of dust on the bottom of our night stands. I had been seriously neglecting the nooks and crannies of our house, and I didn't realize how much I needed to fix until I really started doing it.

I realized the state of my house really echoes my life. I didn't realize how much I needed to clean up until I made the first step.

A few months ago, I thought I was doing okay. I ate an apple every day. We went walking more days than not and I went to the gym once a week or so. I cooked foods that were mostly healthy. I really think that if you would have asked me to grade my health, I would have given myself a B.

I don't know which came first, frustration with my health or frustration with my job. I think it's a "chicken or egg" thing. But I have made huge changes in my life since Christmas. I've seriously cut back my portions, I've got a new job (I start in one week!), and I exercise almost every day. And if you'd ask me now to grade my health, I'd give myself a C. I don't eat a balanced diet. Some days I eat no vegetables. Most days the only fruit I eat is with breakfast. I only strength trained one day this week. I ate white rice yesterday and today. I still have my daily Starbucks drink. I am very proud of the changes I have made, but I still have a long way to go.

All I know is I am twenty times healthier than I was 6 months ago, or even 6 weeks ago. But I thought I was doing mostly okay then. But I've realized that I've got a lot of work to do. And I'm excited. 'Cause in the end, everything will be clean, and I'll be healthy all the way around.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

i have my reasons why

Today, Cammy at the Tippy Toe Diet posted her Motivaton List. And that got me thinking. Why am I doing this?

  • I want to feel strong.
  • I hate HATE being a snorer. There's only so much mocking I can take.
  • I want to be a runner. And collect 5K t-shirts.
  • I want to be a Mom someday.
  • I want to take classes at the gym. I'm way too self-conscious for that now.
  • I want to buy clothes that fit, not just grab the biggest size Old Navy carries and hope that it fits.
  • I want to buy vacation clothes like Angie's.

Maybe in a few days I'll dig out my list from this time last year (I know generally where it is) and maybe make a few additions.

I got my New Employee packet for my new job today. I start work February 4th. I get to train in a town close to my hometown (about 2 hours from my house) so I'll be staying with my parents for that week. I'm a little bummed to leave Nate for a week, but I'm excited to see my old friends, maybe go to the gym with my brother, and cook with my parents.

I spent an hour on the treadmill today. I was really sore from the weight lifting yesterday. I tried this new chicken recipe today. Nathan's tummy was very happy. I'm getting ready to make some figure-friendly cupcakes. I need more calories today, and what better way to get them than from chocolate! (I know there are many better ways, but I have been so good!)

I'm so bummed there's no new Grey's Anatomy on Thursday nights. I'm just so lost!

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

where did you get those high top shoes?

Hello Wednesday!

Today has been rockin'. And I have the battle scars to prove it. Unfortunatley, I have been unable to get photographic evidence of my injuries. I really wish it were warm here in Kentucky so I could wear a skirt and I could answer the question, "Where did you get those bruises?"

Well, I'll tell you.

My first injury came from this machine. I had pulled the peg that makes the little pads swing from the outside to the inside of my thighs. Well, somehow it banged my shin. I have a few scratches, and something that may be a bruise.

And then, for my final machine, I stopped here. I was a little ambitious, I'll admit. I did more weight than I probably should have, but I was in true Jillian mode. So when I finished my leg presses, and I swung my legs off the machine, they went more quickly than I had anticipated, causing contact with where my feet were, and leaving a nice scratch on my right knee, not far above my bruised shin. (Nice run-on sentence, Krissie.) (Oh yes! Thanks for noticing!)

As I was tending to my battle wounds, I realized that I *almost* have definition in my legs. Almost! And I've been doing this for, what, 3 weeks? How different will my body look in 3 months? I am totally psyched. (Oh, I spent 15 minutes on the treadmill, 30 on the Arc trainer/Elliptical Machine-Thingy, 15 on the bike, and 40 doing the weight machines.)

Tonight, to celebrate my employment, my friends, Nathan, and I are going to Regatta after Bible study. I'm thinking I can be pretty well-behaved: a cocktail, a salad, a grilled fish, (or maybe shrimp!) and a steamed veggie. And then the 5 of us can all split one dessert. I think I hae my evening planned!

Have a great day everyone!

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

you haven't worn the old one yet

Krissie got a job! Krissie got a job!

I got Job #1. The one I really wanted. I start on February 4th. I'll train for a week or so (probably staying with my parents 'cause I'll be in that area) and then I'll be spending 2 weeks in Atlanta.

That is very exciting, but stressful, to me.

What will I eat? What will Nathan eat? Will I be able to keep up my gym habits?

Okay, to be honest, I'm more concerned with what Nathan will eat than what I will eat. I know he's a grown man (thanks for reminding me, Mom), I know he can cook, I know he knows where Chic-Fil-A is...but I like taking care of him. No, I LOVE taking care of him. He does so much for me. He shows me so much unconditional love. And one of the ways I show that back to him is in cooking. So I'm cooking huge meals and stocking the freezer. He won't even know I'm gone!

Speaking of new job, I will have to slowly fix my wardrobe. I have been working in a very casual environment. I wore my favorite gray lounge pants to work weekly. That can't happen now. I'm in a professional environment. I realize that I will be doing a lot of repeating, not only because I don't have the financial means to purchase a new wardrobe, but I'm not going to be able to wear my current size for much longer anyway.

My current size. Sigh. What exactly is my current size? I don't have any idea. I wanted a congratulatory employment gift today. I went to Kohl's looking for one of these (they were in their ad this week), but of course, they didn't have any. They did have several pieces in my motivation to be thin: the Simply Vera line. I ended up buying an awesome gray sweater (no link - I can't find it online) for $22. And it was a Large. Not XX, not even X, just L. I realize it was probably a fluke, but I have poured myself into XXLs for a LONG time. I feel like this was my first L of many. (Don't tell Nate, but I also spent $20 on a grey and black dress. It was an XL. But it is HOT.)

My plan for the evening is to spend the Biggest Loser 2 hours at the gym - 1 hour on the treadmill and 1 hour on the bike.

Now it's time for me to make dinner. I'm very excited, but you'll have to check out my food pictures later to see it.

Where are my food pics, you ask? They will be here from now on. I mentioned several days ago that posting food pics is kinda an excuse for me to be shallow here to meet my self-imposed daily blog requirement. No more. You'll have to click on the link on the right for "Tryin' on a Brand New Dress." You won't be disappointed.

Keep rocking ladies!

Monday, January 21, 2008

if you could love someone like me

Ever have one of those mornings when everything seems wrong? That was the first few hours of my day. I used to have substantial headaches several times a week. Today was my first headache of the year. I was hoping that my new healthy lifestyle would make my headaches a thing of the past. So my anger/frustration/disappointment with my loss was really meant for my headache. But I took 2 Aleve, Nathan got me a Starbucks drink, I laid on the couch and watched X-Files, and all was fine by noon or so.

And you guys are right. I am proud of my loss. I worked hard for every ounce that I lost this week. I earned it! And I am not doing this for any number. I am doing this for me, and the way I feel.

Kinda along the same lines, I loved the sermon at church this weekend. He talked about how part of human nature is to ask "Why?" We want answers so we can put things in a nice little box and understand everything. He spoke of how Jesus didn't focus on the "why" but instead focused on what could be done, what needed to be changed. And then He did it.

I think I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out the "why" with my weight. I don't know how many of you are familiar with my history, but it looks something like this.

I thought I was fat in high school. I wore a 12. (I look back at pictures now and think I was so pretty!) Then I went to college and dated a runner. The one thing he wanted from me was for me to be athletic. I had no interest in that at all. We broke up, and to spite him, I began to run. I can remember visualizing his face on the pavement with every step I ran. I have no idea how much I weighed when I started, but I had to go out and buy new clothes by the time I was over him. I had this gray t-shirt dress that I loved. It was a large. (Isn't it terrible that I got healthy out of spite?)

It was at this point in my life that I started dating my husband. I weighed 175. I felt hot. Over the next 3 years, I got lazy. That's all there is to it. I moved to Lexington. I lived with my little brother and his best friend. I went to grad school. I ate a lot of foods that were horrible for me (hot pockets and frozen burritos), and I paid for gym memberships that I didn't use. And I was happy. I really was.

Then we get engaged. I had our wedding to look forward to. I went to Weight Watchers in March of 2003 and weighed 221. We got married in July 2003 and I weighed 199. For the next few months, I kept losing and my lowest weight was 176.

And then I hit a plateau. A plateau that lasted for 6 months, yo-yo-ing the same 4 pounds. And then life happened. I threw myself into a new job. We bought a huge old house. I started cooking convenience foods. Our elliptical machine started making terrible noises. I despised the Weight Watchers leader in our new town. I reverted back to old patterns - and the creamy, buttery foods tasted great eating them in front of the television again. I hit a weight of 239. Then I started to blog, made several unsuccessful attempts at Weight Watchers, got a new job and moved (again!) and a year later, I was still at 239. Through all of this, I was busy and life got kinda crazy, but for the most part I was happy.

And that brings me to ringing in 2008.

But getting back to my point. I don't have a big, all-encompassing "why." As much as I have tried to analyze myself over the years (and I am a therapist), I cannot come up with any trauma, or particurarly self-defeating patterns that have led to my lack of health. It has really made me nervous hearing things like, "You'll never keep the weight off if you don't have a handle on why you were fat in the first place." Like I won't be successful if I don't confront people who enabled me or if I don't deal with my deep-rooted psychological issues.

Screw that! I gained weight because I like butter, sugar, and fast food. I love food in large quantities. I gained weight because I like television and movies, and I like to eat while I watch. I like to lay around on the couch, covered in blankets, with my Scully cat on my lap. I became fat because I focused on what I wanted to do and eat as opposed to what I needed to do and eat. It's as easy as that.

It is okay that I don't have a specific "why" in my life. It is not imporant. What is important is the "what." What am I doing about my weight?

I am recording every-little-thing that I eat. I am trying very hard to distinguish between "hungry" and "munchy." I am only eating when I am hungry, and then I am eating until I am not hungry. I'm not eating to "full" just "not hungry."

I am exercising 6 days a week. I am exercising as hard as I can for as long as I can. When my body tells me to stop, I stop - unless it's in the first 10 minutes. Then I'm just being a whimp.

I have been given this body - it may be flabby, but it does what I ask it to do. It's a good body. It knows its limits, it knows its needs. I just need to get my head and emotions out of it and let it do what it wants to do, and it wants to be healthy.

I think a big part of the sin in my life is gluttony. Being content to be lazy. Eating way beyond the fuel that my body needs. The "why" isn't important anymore. So I'm gonna stop trying to figure it out. It's what needs to be done that I need to focus on.

And I'm on it!

i don't need an excuse

So this is my morning. 229.2 - 226.8 shows a 2.4 pound loss for the week. Again, trying to be happy about it.

I averaged 1512 calories daily. I exercised 6 days for a total of 9 hours and 10 minutes. And I lost 2.4.

I also have a horrendous headache. I had actually planned an insightful post based on this week's sermon, but instead I'm going to put my effort into talking Nathan into making a trip to Starbucks for me. The post will come later. I promise.

How'd all your weigh-ins go?

Sunday, January 20, 2008

hold on to that feeling

So, today, Krissie is officially a party pooper. And okay with it.

We go over to a friend's house to watch football (which I do not understand at all). The plan was to fix dinner. They were kinda set on brats, potato salad, chips, beer - typical football food. But they gave me an option, "But that's probably not what you want, right?" Right. Somehow, chili came up and everyone pretty much seemed happy. It's too cold to grill anyway.

So football is watched, chili is eaten which of course leads to talk about farting, and I say that it's time for us to go to the gym. Before ice cream, before the board games come out, it's time for us to go. Nathan was a trooper, put up no resistance, and home and to the gym we went.

One one hand, I felt like a jerk. We are social. We love our friends. We were leaving as the festivities continued. And I had to pull Nathan out of a good time as well.

But on the other hand, I felt victorious. I was not indulging in a scoop of banana split ice cream. (Who am I kidding? I wouldn't have stopped at one.) I was choosing to spend 60 minutes on the treadmill and 60 minutes on the bike. Did I mention that I only had 1 bowl of chili, and it was significantly less full than anyone else's at the table?

I chose what needed to be done ahead of what I wanted to do. Scratch that. I chose what I wanted to do. I wanted to go to the gym. That blows me away. I WANTED to go to the gym. And I put what I wanted ahead of any obligation I felt.

No food pics today. Sorry. Sometimes I think that I use them as a blog crutch - like I don't have to say anything as long as I have nice pictures to look at. I'm still taking pictures, though. Breakfast as 2 eggs, 2 slices toast, 2 slices 2% cheese and an orange. Breakfast was a banana split sandwich. I had a small mocha latte for a snack. And chili for dinner.

Tomorrow is weigh day! Good luck everyone!

Saturday, January 19, 2008

when all the colors mix together

Guess what I ate today?I remember earlier in this Biggest Loser season, Bob said it was okay to have dessert once a week, as he held a big slice of cheesecake. Weekly. I have not had dessert all year.

So after church, we went to Graeter's with our friends. I had planned on having some sherbert. But I changed my mind. Not on an impulse. Not because I was tempted. But because I honestly wanted chocolate.

I had a single scoop of Mocha Chip in a cup. And it was glorious. Amazing. Everything I had ever hoped a single scoop of ice cream could be.

And, better than the ice cream itself was my reaction.

Do I feel guilty?


Does it make me want to totally jump ship and have ice cream every day?


How do I feel?

I feel like I can handle ice cream occassionally, in moderation.

I don't feel like having a hamburger now. I don't feel like I have to go to the gym for hours on end to pay pennance for my indulgence. I feel like I had a scoop of ice cream. That's all.

Me. Someone who lives in a world of polarity. Either good or bad. Either 100% or zero. Black or white. But today, I had a shade of gray.

And I danced around in my gray area with my ice cream spoon.

Friday, January 18, 2008

sending all my love on the wire

You guys and your self-love just keeps coming!

Go read about Eva! She's new to the blog world. Let's show her how much we love each other!

Swizzlepop is a very brave woman. Go read about her and find out why!

Just Too Fat is awesome. And did some brave things for love!

I can't think you enough for playing along!

Today's exercise will be tonight. Today's food is as follows:

Breakfast: Oatmeal and milk
This sandwich is known as the Big Kahuna. Ham, pineapple cream cheese, and a few crushed walnuts. With pretzels.
Meijer carries this apple chicken sausage that is awesome. It is accompanied by a bullseye (fried egg inside toast) and orange slices.

Happy weekend!

you know who you are

Unemployed Day #5. I got a very encouraging email from Job #1 Lady, so hopefully I'll have an income soon!

You know, when I wrote the "I LOVE ME!" post, I almost didn't post it. I was afraid that people who were struggling would misunderstand me and be offended. I am glad that you all saw my intention was to encourage. I am SO AMAZED at how many people have played along! I was even named the Friday Featured Blogger at Healthy You Challenge!

So many of you love yourselves! Check us out!

Fat Bridesmaid is who keeps me blogging every day.

Felicia is such an inspiration!

I heart Sarah! We had a great lunch at Cosi!

Teale needs a little extra love today. It's a hard one for her.

Check out Eat, Pray, Lose. She's Dr. Pepper free today!

The always encouraging Hanlie played along!

Sara made me miss my hair for the first time in a long time!

Expressing Not Stuffing is thankful for her body's cooperation.

Mousaroo is such a daddy's girl, just like me!

Chubby Chick moved 3 TONS of wood pellets in a single day!

Nicole loves her big boobies!

Twix totally loves herself today! I want to be like you!

Scale Junkie is walking the walk because she deserves it!

Chai in the Sky wants to be a runner (again) like me!

Nikki is having a career shift also. It's scary, but exciting too!

I don't even know Diet Coke and Zingers, but she went to college through three pregnancies!

I don't know Battle of the Bulges either, but she has crazy monkey strength!

If there's anyone else who did the meme, let me know! I'd love to link you as well! We all need to share the love!

Now don't be mad if you're having a bad day and I point you back to your list!

Oh, and I love myself today because I had a very eventful trip to the grocery store. I passed the Starbucks drinks (again!) and the South Beach Diet Cranberry Chicken Salad Kit that I love. Today was more of a financial battle than a nutritional battle. I can work Starbucks into my daily food plan. But they are so expensive at Meijer (a dollar more for 4 than at Target), and I just couldn't justify that dollar. Not when I had debated between 2 loaves of bread on a 40 cent difference. But I bought good food (including my first blood oranges) for good meals (you'll see them!) for a very reasonable amount of cash. It's all good.

Tonight is Friday night, and that means my favorite show! At 9pm, you'll find me in the workout center in front of What Not to Wear. I am so excited! No cable + love of tv = nice legs for me!

Food pics to come after dinner!

Thursday, January 17, 2008

and I cannot wait another year

Here's my list I promised! Where is yours? (What is Krissie talking about? Read my last post.)

The "I LOVE ME" List

1. What do you absolutely love about your body?

I have said it before (sorry I don't have the time to search through old posts) - when they are properly coralled, I like my breasts. I like the way they look when I wear v-necks. I also like that I am evenly porportioned. I carry my weight everywhere, so I don't have a lot of difficulty buying clothes.

2. When did you surprise yourself with your physical strength?

In college, I ran 5 miles. At once. Without walking. I know I can do it.

3. When were you braver than you ever thought you could be?

I walked out on a job last week. I don't have a job to fall back on. I couldn't continue working in a setting where I was not supported, and I couldn't risk my career any longer. I think that was the bravest thing I ever did.

4. When did your self-control blow you away?

This might not sound like much, but today I walked out of Meijer without my Starbucks drinks. I went down the aisle twice. I had them in my little basket at one point. I did not buy them. I'm missing it now, but I was strong.

5. What is your proudest moment ever?

My wedding day was amazing. The best day ever. I was so proud that Nathan chose me.

6. When was the last time you felt absolutely beautiful?

In November, the night before my 30th birthday, we went to a wedding. I had bought a new gray floral dress and these cute shoes. I was around a lot of people I hadn't seen in a while. I felt pretty and we were charming and fun and had wine...Good times.

7. Why do you deserve to meet your goals?

I deserve better than how I have been treating myself. I want to be a runner. I want to be strong. I want to be able to wear really cute clothes. I will be these things. And I will continue to get better because I will value myself more as my journey continues.

...and it continues through my food journal for today!

Breakfast was a Clif bar and 1 glass and a half of milk.

Then I went to the gym, where I kicked butt. I did 45 minutes on the elliptical-type machine, and hour on the treadmill, and 45 minutes on the bike. I was actually angry when I left - I gave up 15 minutes before my planned dismount of the bike, but my body was very tired. I was struggling with every cycle. So I decided that since I listen to my body when it comes to eating, I should also start listening to my body when it is tired. After 2 and a half hours, it wasn't laziness, it was exhaustion. So I went home and fixed lunch.

1 cup whole wheat penne, asparagus, a tablespoon of pesto, and a tablespoon of cheese. Yummy.

For dinner, I took the chicken and noodle leftovers from last night and added a can of mixed veggies. I topped it with crescent rolls, and made a chicken pot pie.

I was craving sweets, so we split an apple. And the blob is Nutella. Nutella is my friend.

It's time to watch Wheel of Fortune and then go to Nate's basketball game.

Happy Almost Friday!

time on my hands should be time spent with you

You know what? I'm done.

It started with the million blogs I have been reading today. So many people are so down on themselves. I keep reading such degrading comments. "I can't do anything right." "I'm lazy." "I'm never going to meet my goal." "Why do I even try?"

And then I take a shower (after a very exhausting gym session, mind you). I put on my favorite grey lounge pants and my favorite green t-shirt, and I get pissed. I've busted my arse. And I don't see any difference in the way I look. Why do I even try?

I'm one of these self-defeating people myself.

And then I got angry.

I am who I say I am. If I say I'm fat and lazy...Guess what? I'm fat and lazy. If a friend called me the names I call myself, she would no longer be my friend. (And I'd try very hard not to call names back.) I would cut my husband off if he spoke any of the words I say to myself. No wonder I have a hard time getting past my fat. I can be mean and nasty.

If I say that I'm getting my life together and my new life is one of health, then I am a healthy person. That's it. No excuses. No justifications. No arguments. I am who I am, and I am radically different than I was several weeks ago. Screw the scale. Screw the exercise bike. Screw the voices in my head. I LOVE ME and I AM KICKING IT!


And to further my Kicking Ass attitude, I am very strongly encouraging you to do the same. We need lists. We need positive things to remind ourselves of when we are down on ourselves. So this is my challenge to you. Complete the list on your blog, leave me a comment, and I will link you. I will be listing my answers in my blog later today with my food pictures.

Here we go!

THE ONLY RULE: No backhanded compliments. No "I like my eyes 'cause they distract from my incredibly large ass." Only positives.

The "I LOVE ME" List

1. What do you absolutely love about your body?

2. When did you surprise yourself with your physical strength?

3. When were you braver than you ever thought you could be?

4. When did your self-control blow you away?

5. What is your proudest moment ever?

6. When was the last time you felt absolutely beautiful?

7. Why do you deserve to meet your goals?

Come on, ladies. Let's get off the pity pot and be better because we deserve it!

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

I wanna 'lectrify my soul

Today was a great day!

I started my day with cheerios and milk.
Then I had to decide what to wear on my interviews today. I had a lot of trouble deciding what looked good together combined with what looked good on me. I don't have a lot of business-type clothes. I decided that I am really excited about the day when I don't have to squeeze myself into a slimming tank top and control top panty hose. I really hate being fat.

But then I pulled my favorite sweater out of my to-be-drycleaned bag, doused it with body spray, and headed out the door.

Off to interview #1. I really want this job. I prayed the whole way there that I present my true self. I didn't want to be nervous, I didn't want to be pompus. I just wanted to be me. And that's what happened. It sounds like a good-paying, fulfilling job with a pretty healthy environment. It was a fun interview, and she actually said it takes a lot of "integrity" to leave a job like I did. I have thought it was the cowards way out, but she helped me feel better about the decision. (Is that supposed to happen in an interview?) Anyway, it sounds really promising and I am really excited. She said she'll be in touch in 4-5 days, and she can't imagine why they wouldn't hire me.

Then I headed to Atlanta Bread Company for my favorite sandwich in the whole entire world. Just veggies, dill sauce, and cheese.

But to get the full picture, you have to see the inside. How incredibly yummy.
I had some time to waste before Interview #2, so I went across the street to hang out at Starbucks for a while. I have been curious about their "skinny" menu, so I ordered a Tall Skinny Mocha Latte. And it was nas-assty. I had 2 sips, sat there for a while, and realized that my tank top/slimmer was cutting me pretty much in half. And since I had changed clothes since I put it on and was wearing a sweater, why am I wearing the freaking thing? I thought about taking it off in the bathroom, but I didn't.

So I was off to Interview #2. It was a pretty cool job as well, and I think I would have a shot at it. But it is a 45 minute commute each way. And it sounds like more responsibility than what I would want right now. But I'm not going to totally cut it out of the picture until I know more about Job #1.

Dinner was a quick and tasty chicken and noodles. No recipe, it's just chicken broth, rotisserie chicken breast, whole wheat egg noodles, and a jar of chicken gravy. Nothing says comfort food to me like chicken and noodles. I am a happy girl.

We went to Bible Study tonight, with a professor from a local seminary teaching through the Old Testament. It was week 1, and we had a really good time. We had several friends there and it was great to see friends that we hadn't seen since Christmas. We typically go out to eat with one particular couple, and it was hard to have to not make plans because we don't know what our long-term financial situation will be (and we don't eat out cheap). But we'll at least to ice cream or coffee or something after church on Saturday night.

On the way home, we stopped at Starbucks. This is an old picture, but I had a bottled Starbucks Mocha (my beloved Starbucks drink) over ice. It upset my stomach something fierce. I know I can only have caffeine on an empty stomach, but I keep trying anyway. Silly girl.

I had decided prior to today that this would be my gym-free day this week. I almost feel like I wasted it, though, since I'm not sore or particularly tired today. But it was a full day, and I needed a day off. But I'm back to the gym tomorrow afternoon!

I want to thank you all for all your well-wishes for my job search. And your encouragement on my new habits. You all keep me accountable! You are a BIG part of my success! Thanks so much for your comments!

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

shed some light on me please

Unemployed day #2. I spent today cleaning out the cabinets and the pantry and doing tons of laundry. I also got my hair cut and the oil changed in the car. Tomorrow I have 2 interviews. Hopefully one of them will pan out into a job. I thought I would enjoy the time between jobs, but I feel guilty for being home while Nate's at work and then there's the whole not-bringing-in-an-income thing.

I am looking forward to my evening. 2 hours at the gym during the Biggest Loser. The plan is 60 minutes on treadmill and 60 on the bike. Or maybe I'll spend part of that on the elliptical-gazelle machine. (I really need to find out what it's called.) Who knows. I just know that I've looked forward to working out all day. I didn't go during the day 'cause I wanted to wait until Nathan came home to go with him.

I was mad that Oprah wasn't doing a health show today. Darn her. But something said during the show yesterday really stuck with me. One of the guests said, "It's the things you do repeatedly, not occassionally, that determine who you are." I like that a lot. If I eat healthy most of the time, then that's who I am. If I'm active most of the time, that's who I am. I am so prone to polar thinking, and that if I'm "bad" then I might was well just quit. But that's not who I am today. I am being healthy.

I read on a blog somewhere today (I am SO SORRY I don't remember who...Comment and I'll give you credit! EDIT: It was Hanlie at FertileHealthy. Check out the post here.) that the good habits are crowding out the bad habits. So my healthy eating doesn't leave room for the bad foods that I used to love. My habit of exercising and blogging are crowding out the laziness. I am a new person most of the time. And that's good enough. I'm never going to be perfect. But I can be healthy repeatedly, and let that crowd out my mistakes. That's why I just had Nathan hide the bag of chocolate chips.

Breakfast: A Clif bar and 1 cup of 2% milk.

Lunch: The last of the Tomato and Beef Stew (how incredibly sad I am!) and 1.5 cups of milk.

Dinner: Black Bean and Sausage Soup with corn relish and sour cream.

I didn't take pictures of about a 1/4 cup of chocolate chips, but I should have. I am so embarrassed. But they're hidden now. (And here's a picture from Google, just to keep me honest.)

So wish me luck on the interviews tomorrow morning!

Monday, January 14, 2008

all my fears are drifting by me so slowly

So I've tried really hard to be proud of my 2.4 pound loss. I'm getting there. I am.

Today is my first day of unemployment. I have two interviews scheduled for this week, and another position that has contacted me to schedule an interview. I'm hopeful that I'll be able to start somewhere next week, at least at the restaurant. (They were pretty angry that I didn't start today, by the way. I tried to explain that I didn't want to have them train me for me to only work a week and then quit for a professional job. So if I need a job next week, I may or may not have one.)

I watched Oprah today, pushing her newest "Best Life" spiel. She had some pretty inspiring stories on the show, with the 6 Secrets to Changing Your Life, which wasn't anything I haven't heard like 5o times before. So it got me thinking that I know what to do, a lot of times I just choose not to do it. Because I have so many excuses.

And then Bob Greene started talking about the emotional issues that are underneath our issues with food. I may be in serious denial, but I don't think I have emotional issues with food, I think I like to eat. I eat when I'm bored. I eat mindlessly. I don't eat for comfort, or for love, or for a rush. I think I have proved this by not having meltdowns with my recent eating changes. I was craving chocolate the other day, but I think that has more to do with my physical sugar issues rather than emotional stress or baggage.

The people on the show also talked about how they got fat because they put others as a priority over themselves. I don't think that was my case either. I think I got fat because I am selfish. I like cheeseburgers and ice cream. I like laying on the couch and watching tv. I have always been my priority, I just wanted unhealthy things. And now I've realized that there are no miracles. I do not deserve to be lazy and skinny. I will have to work to be the person I want to be.

One thing that was said on Oprah that stuck with me today is that we can do one of two things: we can either defend our behavior or take charge of it. In order to make lasting change, I will have to retrain my thinking and my preferences. And I'm on my way!

That being said, today was a pretty good food day.

Breakfast: Clif bar and milk
Lunch: An apple and Grilled Banana Split Sandwich. HOLY COW this sandwich is amazing.
Dinner: Leftover Beef and Tomato Stew.
Snack: Toast.
I did 60 minutes on the treadmill and 60 minutes on the bike. Nathan is at the gym now, but I couldn't make myself go back today. I am afraid that if I go back again, I'll be to exhausted and won't do anything tomorrow.

we're gonna do what they say can't be done

Down 2.4 more!

But I'm not really happy. I have busted my butt this week. Granted, I ate out several times, but I did really well. I ate an average of 1315 calories a day. I exercised 5 days for a total of 5 hours. And I lost 2.4 pounds this week. But that's 9.8 pounds in 2 weeks! So looking at the big picture, I'll take it!

I am really impressed at how much I really have changed this year. Exercising is almost habit. We eat dinner, we clean the kitchen, we go to the gym. It's that simple. I don't know how I would be doing this without Nathan though. He's such a good sport and he doesn't give me the option to back out. And me depending on him keeps him there too.

I am really suprised at my eating. When I went out to lunch Friday and Saturday, I was shocked at how little I wanted to eat. I ate less than half of what was on my plate, and I physically couldn't eat anymore. It wasn't that I didn't want it, I was just listening to my body.

And as much as I am listening when it comes to food, I need to stop listening when it comes to exercise. I let my tiredness talk me out of keeping going. We exercised a lot, but I only did my full plan one day. I didn't do weight training at all. Because I was tired. I need to keep Bob in my head, remember how tired the Biggest Loser contestants always are.

I am hopefully playing the Biggest Loser in my own way this week. I have 2 interviews, so I'm going to try putting off my start date at the restaurant until next week - I go in for orientation today. I want to use this week to live at the gym, keep cooking, and increase the support I give to my blogging buddies.

I can't wait to see how y'all did!

Sunday, January 13, 2008

something so pleasant about that place

Happy Sunday!

I have had a great day. I started the day with a Starbucks drink (I'm back on the wagon) on the way to church. Then we went to Third Street Stuff with Kent and had sandwiches. I had something called the Big Kahuna, which I will recreate this week. Ham, pineapple cream cheese, and lettuce. So good.

We went to an open house, just for fun. We came home and I fixed Beef and Tomato Stew! I've been seriously craving something substantial, and this totally hit the spot. I also had 3 little yeast rolls. They are terribly bad for me, especially since tomorrow is weigh day, but we needed something to mop up the stew juice.We went to the gym after dinner and I did 30 minutes on some elliptical machine thing and 30 minutes on the exercise bike through the Amazing Race.

Tomorrow is weigh day! Tomorrow's post will be a run-down of the health week-that-was. I am really looking forward to the week-that-will-be. I am excited about the cooking I will be doing this week, the time I'll be able to spend in the gym, and the job interviews that I will be rocking. I am loving 2008!

I promised pictures of my husband and his new facial hair look. I hate it. HATE IT. He looks like someone right out of My Name is Earl or Smokey and the Bandit. I think he looks like he would have terrible and suggestive language. His facial expression doesn't help much either. All I know is I find it a terrible combination of hilarious and offensive. What do you ladies think?

Saturday, January 12, 2008

if it were mine, it would be yours to take

Well, my weekend of splurges continued. We met my dear Idaho friend for brunch today. Nathan and I went downtown early to do some widow shopping, but nothing was open. So we ended up at Starbucks, and I ended up with the usual bottled Starbucks drink over ice. I didn't bring my camera, so I didn't get a picture of my brunch. I ordered a 3-egg omelet with spinach, tomatoes, onions, and American cheese. It came with hash browns and 2 slices of toast. I ate about half of the omelet, a little less than half of the hash browns, and one slice of toast. I drank water. It felt good to be able to leave most of the food on the plate.

After lunch, our friend headed to the UK game, and Nate and I headed to Whole Foods. They were doing there 100 Best Foods taste-test. It was really crowded though, and all I tried was grapefruit and turkey. We bought dinner for tonight, apple and rice stuffed chicken and asparagus. It was incredibly yummy. I'll recreate it and post a recipe soon.

We went to Meijer to buy stuff for dinner tomorrow. We're going to have beef stew. I've been craving stew, and I'm making it tomorrow! We put away groceries and went to the gym. It was really hard today. I did 30 minutes each on the treadmill and the bike. I wasn't tired or achy or anything, I just didn't want to be there. I even had Rachel Ray and America's Next Top Model to watch. I'm hoping tomorrow holds a little more motivation for me.

After the gym, I was munchy and gave in. But a bowl of Cheerios can't be totally bad!

I've been really proud of myself for managing eating out. It's been a busy weekend, and we're having lunch out again tomorrow, but I feel I've handled myself well eating and financially.

I am so proud of all my blog friends. We are totally rocking 2008! I am really trying to stop by and see you all every day, but there are so many! Just because I'm not commenting doesn't mean I don't care!

And, a teaser for tomorrow...My husband decided to shave his beard, and now has a very entertaining look. He will accompany food pictures tomorrow. Be sure to tune in!

we can dance if we want to

Quick question!

I have been using, but I am frustrated with the different calorie counts for activity. Fitday is drastically different than what the treadmill says.

I've heard that others use other trackers: dailyplate, sparkpeople, etc.

Which do you use? What do you like about it?

Thanks in advance!

Friday, January 11, 2008

don't wanna forget come daylight

I'll get back to the pictures soon...I promise.

Let me tell you about today's victories.

First, I had a bottled Starbucks drink for breakfast. I packed a salad and an apple for lunch, but my co-workers insisted on taking me out for my last day. Actually, they decided to eat Mexican and then pretty much bullied me into going with them. First victory: I ordered water, not Pepsi. And I love Pepsi with Mexican food. Anyway, I had 8 chips with salsa. That's it. I ordered a single beef soft taco with rice and beans. Well, the taco was covered with cheese. I ate half of it, and less than half of the beans and rice, and I was full. So you know what? I stopped. I just stopped. I left more than half on my plate. It was huge for moderation.

We had planned dinner out. It was the first meal out (other than lunch today) so far this year. We went to this great pizza place. Nathan and I split a single-serving Margherita pizza and a huge chopped salad with vinaigrette. I was full, and it was a great splurge.

Then we went to Kent's, where I drank about 1/2 cup of a mixed drink. I just wasn't feeling it. We watched tons of The Office, and I really wanted a milkshake or something when we left. But Nathan kept me strong and didn't give me the option to stop. I would have ran through Sonic if left to my own devices.

Tomorrow we're having lunch with with our friend from Idaho! I am so excited!

Thursday, January 10, 2008

in fancy or in poverty

Today has been a hard day food wise. I have been absolutely ravenous all day. I think it's nerves. Tomorrow is my last day. I have a back-up job (at Cosi), and a really good lead for a "real job." But I am totally over the wallet thing.

But I've been really hungry. I took pictures, but nothing is interesting.

Breakfast: Starbucks drink
Lunch: Turkey, Gouda, Cranberry Chutney sandwich and an orange
Dinner: Tomato soup and 8 crackers
Snack: Bowl of Wheat Chex

Total of 993 calories.

I know that's puny. I know I need to eat more. But there is nothing I want to eat. I WANT CHOCOLATE or a hearty stew or something substantial. And I have nothing substantial in the house. I haven't cooked much this week, partially due to my fear of having no money and partially due to my inability to access the money we have (due to lost wallet). And I've been busy in my evenings, applying for jobs and such.

It's a good thing that I didn't have any money today. I wouldn't have trusted myself. Most days at work, we all eat lunch together around a big table. Today, it was my sandwich, several Taco Bell bags, a few Wendy's bag, and leftover Hamburger Helper. For the first time since I started my healthy habits, I felt genuinely cheated. And angry. I really REALLY wanted grease! And I've carried that with me all day. And what did I do with it? I ate tomato soup. And now I'm going to the gym. And watching the one remaining Grey's Anatomy while I'm there!

Fat Bridesmaid let me know that this is National De-Lurking Week. In honor, I commented on each blog that I read today. There are a lot of you out there that I don't know, and I'm inviting you to delurk today. But I have a very selfish reason for this. I am motivated to work out by television. We don't have cable (and haven't for 4 years), so I watch tv on the treadmill. My current favorites are Alton Brown on the Food Network and What Not to Wear on Friday nights. But I don't know what else is out there, or when it is on.

So I'm asking for your help. I usually work out between 7 and 10 pm. What is your favorite show? What night and what network? What should I be watching? De-Lurkers Unite!

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

it's got central heating and I'm alright

Happy Wednesday! 2 more days at job I hate! I have a few leads on real actual professional jobs, and that has me very excited!

As for the wallet fiasco, I have done everything I am supposed to do. I got a new license, cancelled my cards, filed a police report, called the credit companies...I think we're gonna be okay.

Food for today is as follows:

Breakfast was a Clif bar and water.

Lunch: 35 calorie bread, turkey, smoked gouda, spinach, and cranberry chutney. And an orange.
Dinner: the spiciest effing chili ever. And a big glass of milk. (I actually only ate part of it and then had a bowl of cereal. I figured out the calories and it was about the same and I didn't want to change the pictures, so I'm leaving it.)

I have decided not to go to the gym today. I have a little chaffing, and I'm just really tired. I've been busting my rump, so I think it's okay.

For those of you reading from the Healthy You Challenge, I am not following protocol. I know Tuesday is check-in, but I weigh Mondays, so those will probably be the posts that I put into Mr. Linky.

I cannot thank you all enough for your encouragement and support. I love seeing comments from you all! I'll try to be a better commenter too!

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

when you think that all is lost

Sorry guys. There will be no food pictures today. I'm just not feeling it.


My wallet got stolen.

Have I mentioned that I work in foster care and there are constantly a stream of kids in and out of our office? Yeah. And now one of those kids has $50 and my identity. Great.

I feel like this is all my fault. I quit my job, finishing on Friday. I quit my nice, professional, well-paying job for a job working catering at a restaurant that probably pays peanuts. Not a lot of financial prep, not a lot of planning, just a lot of unhappiness and going with my gut. I've been really wrestling with my decision. Trying to figure out how we'll make this work. Doubting that I'm doing the right thing. I tried really hard to pray about it last night, but God kept shutting me down. I would honestly lose the words and feel scolded when I prayed about work or money. I had a knot in my stomach most of the day today too. Am I doing the right thing? Can we really make this work? Will I have to work 2 full-time jobs?

And then what? My wallet gets stolen at work. At the job that I hate, I lose what is now a significant amount of money and any security I had with my well-guarded identity. (Yes, I am still one of those goobers who carries my Social Security Card was in my wallet somewhere.)

So can the fact that I need to be as far away from there as possible be any clearer? As much as I hate that it happened, it now removes (almost) any doubt that I'm not supposed to be there.

But, as is the purpose of this blog, my day in food. Breakfast: Starbucks drink. Lunch: Leftover couscous and veggies, with an orange. Dinner: either cereal or eggs and toast. It was going to be chili, but Meijer was where I realized I had no money.

Exercise: We're going to go to the gym for Biggest Loser. That's 2 hours. Work out some of my anger and frustration.

Any of you been through this?

UPDATE: So I've had several hours to sit with things. And by "sit" I mean 70 minutes on the treadmill and 30 on the bike (yes, I rock). And I have discovered that the wallet theft is the best thing that could have happened today. It totally solidified my decision to leave that job. I have done the right thing. Leaving is what I was supposed to do. This is the least anxious I've felt in the last week. Yay!

Dinner was a turkey sandwich with gouda, spinach, and cranberry chutney. After the gym, I had a bowl of wheat chex. And now, after a very disappointing Biggest Loser, it's time for me to shower!

Monday, January 7, 2008

a simple prop to occupy my time

I am so excited for my weight loss this week! I love reading about the success of my blog friends too!

I got what I wished for! I took a new job today. I don't know the pay yet, but I'm expecting minimal. It's the morning shift at a local restaurant. It's early mornings, so I'll be able to do something else in the evening as well. My last day at my current job is Friday. I'm kinda worried about how the money is going to work out, but I know it will. We'll make it work. My dinners and lunches may become less dramatic, but it will work.

I have felt good after workouts all week. But today at work, I was resting the phone on my shoulder, and got a siginficant pain in my left shoulder. It's still there. So I'm taking today off from the gym.

Today's Eats!

Refrigerated Starbucks drink and apple for breakfast:

Leftover shrimp pasta for lunch. Couscous Salad with Roasted Veggies for dinner.

Then I got really munchy. I had a bowl of Wheat Chex...
And a little cup of marshmallows, peanuts, and chocolate chips.
You know what? I am not doing this. My shoulder hurts. That has nothing to do with the exercise bike. After Wheel of Fortune, I am going to the gym. Amen.

(P.S. I love you, Nathan! I do not deserve someone as supportive, as self-less, and as giving as you are. Thank you so much for the career understanding, the gym encouragement, and being such a good food guinea pig! You are my honey!)

You and I are a gang of losers

That's a loss of 7.4 pounds this week! Go me!

Good Luck Easter Challenge Buddies!

Sunday, January 6, 2008

we are forms of everything we love

Food Pictures!!

I gave in. Starbucks drink #2 for the week. It's better than one a day, though. And you sould be proud of me! We actually went to da 'bucks, and I got one of the refrigerated drinks over ice instead of my old standby - Venti White Peppermint Mocha. It is my standby no more! Lunch was leftovers from dinner. Shredded Cuban Pork, Mashed Sweet Potatoes, Cuban Black Beans, a little pineapple salsa, and sour cream. It was really good.
Dinner is Shrimp and Tomato Pasta. And it was good too!

(Just a note - anything recipe that I cook and post pictures of can be found at my recipe blog. On the first meal (not leftovers), I link the recipe as well.)

We took down the Christmas tree today. Rather, Nathan took it down. I found it a little too depressing. I'm sad that the holidays are over. But we went to the gym. I rode the bike for an hour. (I watched LA Ink. I wish I had the guts to get a tatoo.) My lovely husband ran part of the time. I'm just a little jealous. Then I did 20 minutes of arm weights, and they are pretty much jello now. It was back to being a good workout. I could have kept going for a lot longer. I felt much better than the defeat I felt the whole time I was on the treadmill yesterday.

Tomorrow is the big weigh in. I am very excited. I have had a really good week. I have eaten an average of 1377 calories each day. Over the 7 days, I worked out 6 of those days for a total of 7 hours and 20 minutes. Isn't that crazy? Mostly treadmill and bike with some weights and a little yoga thrown in. More important than my stats, though, is the way I feel. I feel so motivated. I feel like this is already habit for me. We are going to work out. We just are. It's not an option, it's a ready made decision. And I feel like this is the most satisfied I've been with food in a long time. I'm cooking every day. I'm making it pretty. I'm not eating to being stuffed. I'm eating when I'm hungry, and I'm eating just enough. I don't miss junk food, although I did have a handful of mini-marshmallows the other night. It was a great splurge. Not a candy bar, or a scoop of ice cream, but 8 or so mini-marshmallows. I feel great.

I've been trying to decide exactly what sort of "plan" that I'm on. I'm recording what I eat on fitday and I am keeping a notebook that I write things down and count the points. What I am loving, though, is that I'm not figuring anything up until the end of the day. I am trusting myself to make healthy choices. And somehow I know that the numbers at the end of the day will be reasonable.

I have also done well with my resolutions. I have walked 7.3 miles. I have tried 8 new recipes. I am rocking 2008!

Weigh in is tomorrow, so we'll see just how much I rock. I'm off to paint my toes so they'll be pretty in the scale picture!