Tuesday, July 31, 2007

see your face every place that I'm walkin'

So here it is. The dreaded scale picture. I honestly thought it would be worse. Thank you, Miranda, for offering the scale challenge. I challenge all y'all blog folk to do this. Show us your toes (in any state of repair) on your scale. With numbers on it, of course. How inspiring will it be to others to see those numbers go down?

I am honestly pleased with the color of my toes. After I got them done, the paint has a purple undertone that i don't like. But you can't see it in the picture. That makes me happy.

I also got up and did yoga this morning. I know. It's crazy. I also ate pretty well today. Banana, peanut butter and honey wrap for breakfast. South Beach Asian Chicken Wrap meal and mandarin oranges for lunch. Half a turkey sandwich and a small whole wheat bagel for dinner.

Wait, aren't I leaving out something very important?

You're going to think I'm lying to you.

But I am serious.

I did not have a Starbucks drink today.

Nor did I have caffeine in any other form (ICMocha, Pepsi, Coffe Ice Cream). Absolutely none.

I rock.

My headache is only minimal. I wouldn't even realize its a result of caffeine neglect.

I feel really, really good about how I have taken care of myself today. I expect days like this to come!

Rock on, bloggers. We'll make it.

Monday, July 30, 2007

got me in a haze, running for cover

Epiphany day!

But to backtrack a little...Ever notice how you run out of everything at the same time? I stopped wearing foundation last weekend 'cause I ran out. I was also crushing my powder and blush to get the stuff out of the corners. This weekend, I had to replinish my suppies of moisturizer, deodorant, shampoo, and conditioner. I noticed yesterday morning that the one bra that was in good shape has a hole in it. So today meant a trip to the mall.

I went to the mall in a bad mood. I'd gotten a message from our realtor that he wants to drop the asking price for the house that we are selling. That didn't sit well with me. I really don't think our price is unreasonable for the age, condition, square footage, and yard. Anyway, I was in a terrible mood and really had to keep myself in check. I really wanted to get what I needed and not take part in retail therapy. But first, I ordered a pair of chili dogs and fries at Gold Star. For reasons that ellude me, for the first time in months, I prayed over my feast of hot dogs. I only ate one of my hot dogs. And a little less than half of my fries. I wasn't trying to not eat, I just stopped when I was hungry. I should have recognized the beginning of things to come, but instead I was mad that my body literally wouldn't let me eat. Only now do I connect my prayer with my inability to stuff my face.

Then I went to the Clinique counter and purchased the necessary beautification products (foundation, powder, blush, mascara). I felt kinda bad for the amount of money I dropped for things to put on my face. In the back of my mind, though, I knew that the more time I put into my appearance, the better I feel about myself and the more motivated I am to make more changes. I've gotten really lazy with my make-up. I think that's representative of my generaly laziness.

Then I bit the bullet. I met my enemy head on. I walked into Victoria's Secret. (I know that Lane Bryant bras would fit me better, but I cannot make myself walk back in there. Several years ago, I swore I'd never go back. I've only backslid a few times.) And, in Victoria's Secret, my outlook on my body changed.

First of all, they have increased the sizes they carry in the store. I'm used to having to dig and dig and get help to find bras that fit me, usually in the biggest size they carry. I was so pleased to find bras with numbers and cups that are bigger than mine. That, in itself, gave me a kind of acceptance I haven't felt in a lingerie store EVER. I was able to take bras of different sizes into the fitting room to find the best fit, not pray that the biggest size would fit.

I went into the dressing room with probably a dozen bras, hoping to find two. The first bra I put on was it. The bra of all bras. (A Body by Victoria® NEW! Secret Embrace™ satin full coverage bra in a 38D in whisper pink, to be exact) And there, in the dressing room, I had my ephiphany:

If you ignore the rest of my body, and keep them properly corralled, I have very nice breasts.

I don't know that I have EVER had a positive thought about a part of my body that isn't my eyes. Isn't that sad? It's the truth. Even when I weighed 175 (which feels like a ton lighter than now), I was still incredibly critical; Never seeing what I had accomplished, only what I had to go. Today, in the well-lit dressing room, I saw what I could have. A body to match my boobs. It was an amazing moment in the life of Krissie.

So where do we go from here?

  1. Tomorrow morning, I am going to follow Fat Bridesmaid's lead. I'm going to weigh myself. I'm taking a picture, and you all will see it. The ugliness will be out there, for all to see. And we can all see where I will start.

  2. No more breakfast/lunch/snacks/caffeine breaks/convenient store runs/"team building" work lunches. I am eating food from my house. Breakfast at home. Lunch from home. Dinner at home. We went grocery shopping on Saturday. Between that and our blackberry bushes, we are stocked.

  3. We don't have any Starbucks drinks in the fridge. I guess that means no more of them, either. (I heard your collective gasp!)

  4. Tomorrow morning, I'm going to get up when Nathan gets up and do either yoga or pilates.

  5. I'm going to start the Beck Diet Solution again. It was working for me before. For heaven's sake, I'm a therapist!! I teach people to use the same skills and I'm not willing to use them? No more.

Thank you so much for reading my ramblings. As a treat for those of you who finished, here's one of my favorite pictures. This is around our first year anniversary (summer 2004), on the porch of a rented beach house, at probably my lowest weight. (Look, I'm wearing the same necklace from the pic in this post that you commented on!)

(And I'm still adjusting to the fact that Sarah hasn't accepted me as a friend, as mentioned in the same post. Sigh.)

Sunday, July 29, 2007

we all break the same

This has been a great weekend.

We went and looked at houses today. This one is the front runner. It has an awesome fitness room, with weight machines and free weights and everything AND a walking/running trail. Did I mention a nice pool that I want to lay beside next summer in an un-embarrassed fashion? Now we just need our house to sell...

We are also getting stuff ready for the yardsale. The World's Longest Yardsale runs literally right in front of our house. So we're gonna put some stuff out. Very exciting. So exciting, in fact, that Rachael Ray mentioned it in her latest magazine. The restaurant she talked about is about 3 miles from my house. (There was no link to it on her page. I tried.)

The good thing about having our house on the market? It's always clean. So when we're going to have a lot of company for the yardsale, there's no bonus cleaning to do!

I am actually partly proud of my eating today. Starbucks and banana, margherita pizza, (Mocha milkshake from Steak and Shake...good but not a wise choice), and an egg and cheese sandwich. All in all, apart from the milkshake, it was an awesome day.

Hope your weekend was good as well!

Friday, July 27, 2007

you put my feet back on the ground

I have discovered that I can now waste a huge amount of time. I have discovered Facebook.

Nathan has done Facebook for a while. It's just his way of keeping up with my family - all my high school cousins live on it. But today I decided to make my own account. And found someone very interesting.

My Maid of Honor.

Long story short: We lived in the same apartment complex through Grad School. We were so close. I got engaged. She moved about an hour away. We both joined Weight Watchers. We were both very successful. I lost around 50 pounds. She lost about the same. I got married, I moved within 10 minutes of her. She kept losing. My weight found me again. You know how life gets crazy and you go a month and realize you haven't talked to someone? In that month, I also gained. As the months went by, turning into 2 years, I didn't want to call her because I was getting fatter. That is the honest truth. I don't know if it was me not wanting to let her down, or not wanting her to see me fat again, or me being jealous. All I know is she's on Facebook, she's gorgeous, and I invited her to be my friend. Now I sit back and see if she's willing to be my friend again.

I still love ya, Sarah Girl.

(Yikes is all I have to say about this picture. What color was my hair? My head looks huge!)

Thursday, July 26, 2007

little white shadows

Sorry about the absence...I have had a killer headache. I came home from work, took a nap, had some cereal, and I'm getting ready to call it a night.

I knew my job had a lot of perks and that management really wants us to be well-rounded people. Today I learned that we get $1 per day for for exercising for 30 minutes. We just check off our names on a calendar the following morning. The check comes at the end of the month. That's almost enough for Weight Watchers. I'm definitely getting on board for that. I never thought that $1 would be motivating, but it is for me! I love my company.

I hope I feel better tomorrow. I listened to a great sermon today that I'm excited to tell you about. But the white screen is bothering my headache, so I'm going to bed.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

things can go bad, make you want to run away

(I can't get the paragraphs to line up - ignore the ugliness of the layout, please.)

Today is the birthday of my littlest brother, Zak. And, to celebrate, here's a 20 year old picture of him.

Happy Birthday Zak!
Briana asked about what cornhole is. Here you go. If you've never played, order a set and take it to your next outdoor get-together. It's a lot of fun, and not difficult to get the hang of.
I feel like a horrible blogger. I started this blog to keep myself accountable to being healthy. I've fallen way off the wagon. And I don't know what to do to motivate myself. I think I just need to start at the beginning and read my way back through my old posts. I read about you all, and I am so proud of you, but I'm having trouble applying any of your successes to myself. Visit Aimee. Our blogs started around the same time. She's lost over 30 pounds. What about me? I haven't been on a scale for a long time. I'm probably over where I was then. I am so proud of Aimee. I read her blog every day. I'm a huge embarrassing failure. Why would anyone want to read about that?
You know what always makes me feel better, and I haven't done it in a while? IPod Roulette. Hit shuffle and see what the first 10 songs that come up are. I invite you to do the same in the comments. No cheating to get rid of embarrassing songs! Here I go!
1. The Horizon Has Been Defeated - Jack Johnson. Always reminds me of the beach. Ahhh, Jack.
2. Don't Let Me Be Lonely Tonight - James Taylor. Gotta turn this one up. Such a sad song. He's just so confused. I'm so glad that those crazy unsure romantic days are behind me.
3. Inside Out - Eve 6. I can't believe embarrassment starts already. You know, the "heart in a blender" song. Eve 6 was named after an episode of the X-Files. I can't believe I know that. Hey, this would be a good treadmill song...
4. Breakable - Ingrid Michaelson. I love her. This song is from the most recent season of Grey's Anatomy. I also love her song, Far Away. A lot of song titles recently have been from that song.
5. Toxic - Nickelcreek. I promise I didn't cheat! This cover makes me incredibly happy. I can see Chris Thile dancing. Yay!
6. They'll Know We are Christians - Jars of Clay. Redemption Songs is an awesome cd of old hymns. Jars of Clay are amazing live as well.
7. Someone Else's Life - Joshua Radin. There is something so clear and insightful about his voice. I found him from the Last Kiss soundtrack. He's a good background cd, also a good listen for driving at night with the windows down.
8. Green and Gray - Nickelcreek. With 687 songs on my iPod, 2 so far should show how much Nickelcreek I listen to. I really love this song. He loves her and she has no idea. I change the words and sing "iPod" instead of "discman." I do that alot.
9. 24 - Jem. I love Jem as well. We were in Barnes and Noble one night (several years ago) and they were playing her cd and we came home with it. I listened to it for about a month straight then. Still enjoy her. She's great gym music.
10. 5:19 - Matt Wertz. We saw him open for Jars of Clay. He's one of those guy+guitar combos that I just can't pull myself away from. Again, he loves her, she's not sure. He's letting her know how he feels without seeming pathetic. He almost pulls it off...
(Oh, and #11 is great as well! Breathe Me by Sia. Wow, what a shuffle!)
I feel so much better! Thanks for letting me work through my funk.

Monday, July 23, 2007

on this starry night staring into space

Ever wonder what an anniversary weekend looks like?

We started the weekend with this being our view from the Hilton at Lexington Green. We had an awesome view of Joseph Beth Booksellers. We ate at Regatta (also in the picture). Then we stayed up late to get Harry Potter and the Deathy Hallows at midnight. It was a fun time. (Wow, I have no makeup left in this picture. Now you know what I look like at midnight. Scary.)

We read a little Friday night and then headed home home on Saturday morning. Nathan read aloud during the 2 hour trip. We hung out with my family at the campsite, had an awesome fish fry, and played a little cornhole. It was so good to see my family all together. It's hard being one of the only 2 grandchildren that have moved away. A lot of my family went out on boats, but Nate and I hung back to help with dinner. (That's my mom on the left. Hi Mom!)

Sunday we drove back to our house, Nathan reading during our travels, and then sat on the couch and finished Harry Potter. I am not disappointed, but kinda sad that it's all over.

We also returned to 2 copies of Runners World in our mailbox. I took that as a sign. It's time to run.

We actually ate pretty well this weekend. And then I had Taco Bell for dinner tonight.

But no peanut butter milkshakes since last week!

I am going to try really really hard to make this blog somewhat resemble what it used to be: an effort at being healthy. I will make an effort. And you'll be there for the adventure!

Sunday, July 22, 2007

staring down the stars

I'm reading. I'll see you tomorrow.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

you're the one that I wanted to find

Happy 4th anniversary to us!

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

and all will see

i listened to an amazing sermon today. mr. southland preacher discussed how big God is. he talked about the enormous stars and the incredible size of the universe. in particular, a star called betelgeuse that is twice the size of the earth's orbit around the sun. millions of light years away. if the earth was a golf ball, betelgeuse would be the size of 6 empire state buildings stacked on top of each other. and he made me think. how can i question my God when He is big enough to have created something that big? mr. southland said,

Most of my praying life, I have been advising God, correcting God, suggesting things to God, throwing diagrams at God, reviewing things with God, counseling God...No more, no more, because BeetleJuice rocked my world.
he also talked about several other large stars, but then he got molecular: he talked about laminin. those are the proteins that hold the cells in our bodies together. and, scientifically, what does laminin look like?
so not only is God in the ginormous things, He is also in the very small things. specifically, in me. a representation of Jesus literally holds me together. the visual in that was huge for me. and i was just listening while i was driving.

a God who created massive stars in millions of universes that we cannot even begin to fathom also created me: a tiny grain of sand on a tiny dot revolving around a small star.

i belong to God. i belong to Nathan. everything else is just details.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

if you burn the road that will lead you back

another long day. met with mortgage lady. she had good news. then we met with builder of the lofts. not good news. he won't budge on the price. i'm frustrated. so we're keeping them on the back burner but looking at other houses. we don't really know what the family who looked at our house this past weekend thought. we'll have to wait and see.

work is exhausting, but i love it. i love my job.

once again, i drove by sonic around 945 tonight and resisted the peanut butter milkshake again. i totally rock.

but i'm still not feeling good in general. just yucky. more of the same from the past few days. i'm hoping it's somehow hormonal and i'll snap out if it in a few days. for Nathan's sake.

just like yesterday's picture made me smile, i decided to post another for today.

this is my dear, sweet farley cat. he's really a grouchy old man. he likes to crawl in my bags. he makes me smile. he also likes to sleep on the pillow beside my head. he gets 90% of the pillow at night. it's okay, he's protecting me. at night, i have Nathan on one side and farley on the other. i love my boys!

Monday, July 16, 2007

he will take care of me, he will smell like the sea

i have the best husband ever.

i also have the best blog friends in the world. the comments and emails were very much needed and i appreciate them a lot.

i can't say i feel a lot better today.
but i did eat better. i did not have a peanut butter milkshake from sonic even though i drove by it on my way home from work at 930pm.

i'll take any small victory today.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

laughing out loud while she's crying inside

I heart Nickel Creek. The show last night was awesome.

The first thing worth mentioning is that I ran into my very first friend ever. Jenifer and I met at the waterfountain on the first day of kindergarden. She's my Jen. And she rocks. Not only does she read my blog every day (we all know that makes her cool), she also hooked Nathan up with the local reporter and several of Nate's comments made the front-page Nickelcreek interview in the Ashland Daily Independent.

I followed directions and didn't take any pictures. I wasn't taking any chances getting kicked out. So these pictures are also via the Independent.

An introduction to Nickel Creek. Chris plays mandolin. My Sister-In-Law Leah insists that Nathan looks like Chris. I mean, they both play the mandolin, have similar spotted ties, and are hot. I buy it. (Nathan doesn't make funny faces when playing his mandolin, though.)

Sara plays fiddle. I think she is incredibly cute. She was also wearing awesome red shoes.

I'm not sure why there isn't a pic of Sean playing the guitar, but here's the whole band. We were in the 9th row or so.

They played all the stuff I really had to hear. I think we're going to make plans to see them again in August, and again later in the year. I am really excited. You need to check them out.

That being said, I'm really depressed today. I don't know that I'm able to put it into words just yet. It's a combination of the following:

a) I absolutely hate the way I look. We spent a lot of time today looking at Nate's brother's wedding pictures, and it was really hard to look at myself.

b) I am not a mom. Most of the time, I am okay with that. (For those of you who haven't read my old blogs, our lack of child is not for lack of effort.) Most of the time I can have perspective and think about God's plan for my life and not my own. But then I hold babies over the weekend. And then we talk about our friends who are having babies. And then, in my head, it goes back to the fat thing, and I get in a cycle of thinking that my fatness contributes, maybe even causes, the lack of a baby.

c) I have absolutely no idea where we will be and when the move will happen. I just want to be in a different place. Geographically. Spritually. Mentally. Size of clothing-ly.

So what did I have for dinner? A peanut butter milkshake from Sonic. Yeah, that fixes things.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

so wholly your devotee

Today was another difficult day at work. I spent most of the afternoon sitting in family court. It was really depressing. Teenagers have really changed since I was one. Teenage girls getting in a fight in the courtroom. Shameful.

Onto better news, dinner was great today! Cajun tilapia and sweet potatoes from the grill. Nathan is the grill master! That almost makes up for the Waffle House lunch... (I know! I am ashamed!!)

We are once again going out of town this weekend. We are going to our hometown ("home home" as I call it) to see Nickel Creek! I think we have pretty good seats. The concert is at the Paramount, which you Billy Ray Cyrus fans will know as the background to the "Achy Breaky Heart" video. Did I really just admit that Billy Ray and I share a common county or origin? Yes, yes I did.

I've spent too much time playing around on the internet tonight, so I must pack for the weekend and finish straightening the house up a smidge. However, I did learn 2 important things from unclutterer.com.

  1. If you have tupperware that is holding on to food odors, crumple up a sheet of newspaper, place it inside, and seal it up. Overnight, the newspaper will absorb the odors.
  2. Vinegar in a spray bottle is effective weed killer.

Have a great weekend!

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

where oh where are you tonight?

I am so sorry that I have been Missing In Action. Things have gotten crazy. In a good way.

I love my job. While I'm learning the ropes, it's taking me longer to get things done. I have such an opportunity to facilitate change in the lives of kids. This is so exciting. However, I worked a 12 hour day Monday and 10 yesterday, making today's 8 feel like a breeze. I now have 6 hours to spend away from work, but I don't know when I'll have the time to do that. But I am not resentful at all.

I feel like most of my time away from work is being spent keeping the house in shape to show. It's hard work selling a house. Keeping all the cat hair up, keeping the dishes washed, the showers and tub and sinks clean. I mean, we're not filthy people typically, but clean and shiny all the time is hard work.

We had a blast at the wedding this weekend. The couple is just georgeous.

We love you Vanessa and Brad!!

Nathan and I really enjoyed Washington Courthouse. Not only was the wedding hall easy to find, we also had tons of shopping at our disposal. Nathan enjoyed the Mandolin Store. They gave him a free pick. We also enjoyed the Prime Outlet Stores. It was hard to be good in the Pottery Barn Outlet, but I'm planning a trip back when we get our new house!

I have nothing to say about being healthy. Only that it's not going well. I had pizzabread from Giovanni's tonight. (You Kentucky-Ohio-West Virginia girls know what I'm talking about! It's the Italian Place to Be!)

I hope to get back into regular posting. But tonight I've got laundry to put away.

And I haven't forgotten about those of you who are getting books...I promise they will go out in the near future. It will just be a surprise when you get them!

Thursday, July 5, 2007

this is all a game

Well, I am exhausted.

I'm having a hard time adding an hour commute each way to work and back. But I am having time to listen to great sermons.

I'm currently listening to a series about the roles of the Holy Spirit from Southland Christian Church. It's a church that Nathan and I used to go to, and we have some friends who still do. I get the podcasts from iTunes and really enjoy them. Anywho, the sermon and a half I listened to today spoke of how Jesus takes the following roles in our lives:

  • Counselor - always there, always listening, always guiding. Hover, His voice is not loud. We can get distracted by noise and not hear Him. What is noise in my life? Food, tv, spending money. I need to pare back. And that's what I'm trying to do.
  • Gardener - I really liked this imagery. We are in the process of being pruned, being refined, and sometimes we are pruned to a point of looking scraggly and thin in order to grow full and strong. We have to allow God time to transform us, just like our plants don't become beautiful overnight.
  • Attorney - When we are living in sin, the Holy Spirit has the role of persecutor to bring us to our honest selves through conviction. But as we are forgiven and work toward a holy life, Jesus becomes our defense attorney, as he paid our price and provided our pardon.
  • Surgeon - God took the broken pieces of my life and put me back together. Not with a magic wand that was clean and pretty and immediate. But like a surgeon, He continues to dig around in me and change me by taking out the bad stuff and sewing me back up. Great imagery.
  • I still have Scout, Postman, and River to listen to. All in all, good stuff.

I ate pretty well today. Starbucks and banana for breakfast. Apple and spinach salad for lunch. Black bean burger, corn, and Jell-o for dinner. I really wanted ice cream, but Nate didn't want to go. Thanks Nate!

You probably won't hear from me again until Sunday or Monday. We're headed to Washington Courthouse, Ohio for my friend Vanessa's wedding. I'm sure I'll have pics when we get back. I'm really hoping that over the weekend someone will come and look at the house. We're working hard enough to keep it clean and show-worthy! And when I get back, I'll start getting BookCrossing books out. Remember, if you want a book, email me your address!!

Still no exercise. And I watched some tv. But Grey's Anatomy is on and I'm not watching!

Have a great weekend!

Wednesday, July 4, 2007

beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth

Wow. I knew I'd been busy, but I didn't know I'd gone 2 days without posting. Geez.

Things have been really busy. We've officially got our house on the market. That's really scary. We don't know what we'll get out of it, and that will determine what we are able to afford when we move. It's discouraging to me that we've put all this work into the house and we're not going to see the financial gain we'd expected. Or I guess just that we'd hoped for.

And how have I coped with this? Eating and tv. Groan.

Eating has been terrible. We had Taco Bell for dinner last night. (Although for lunch the last 2 days I had the tomato and mozzarella salad from Panera and it's amazing.) I am trying so hard to be back on track. So hard. This morning was Starbucks and banana. Lunch will be black bean burgers, and hopefully fish or shrimp for dinner. I am trying to focus on my eating. Focus on better eating.

Yeah, and we've been watching a lot of Seinfeld. And last night I watched the rerun of Oprah. It was the first installment of the Life Your Best Life Diet. Bob Green kept telling them (and me) that we need to figure out why we are fat before we can expect to change it. He said that when we say things like, "I like food" or "I'm just lazy" we are just lying to ourselves. So that's my job for today. Why am I fat? I am a therapist. I can figure this out.

I have been listening to sermons on my way home though. That's been good for me. Monday's was about marriage and how we approach marriage and how we involve God in our marriages are the ways to make it work. I guess I take for granted that I have a strong marriage. I have never even thought that divorce could ever be an option. That's almost laughable to me. I guess I don't think about the people that don't have a connection to God and how that impacts their connection to a spouse. It was fascinating to me.

The sermon yesterday talked about secrets, referencing postsecret. He spoke of how keeping secrets is detrimental and involves lying to others, ourselves, and God. I really liked it.

(By the way, if you ever want a sermon that I reference, feel free to contact me and I'll tell you which podcast it's from. All the sermons I download are available through iTunes.)

Today is going to be a great day. Independence Day. I am going to try very hard to do things in a mindful way today, thinking of how I am freeing myself of things and of baggage and of whatever it is that is keeping me fat. Wish me luck.

Have a great Independence Day if you're American, and just have a great day if you are something else!

Sunday, July 1, 2007

a lobster man's wife

Happy July!

(For those of you who are participating in my "Get a BookCrossing Book!" giveaway, my name on BookCrossing.com is NateAndKrissie so I can be listed as referring you!)

Token Fat Girl has a very inspiring post today. She talks about how cleansing it can be to start a new month. She has great goals for the month of July. I listed a few goals a few weeks ago, and I'm going to amend them and list some more!

  1. No television in my own home.
  2. Very limited meat.
  3. I will listen to sermons on my commute home from work.
  4. I will weigh myself only on Mondays.
  5. I will log everything I eat on FitDay.
  6. Of the 5 work days in a week, I will bring my lunch on 4 of them.
  7. For everything I buy, I will get rid of 2 similar things.
  8. I will do some sort of exercise 3 times a week.

What are your goals for July? We can do anything for a month! And we'll create healthy habits along the way!

Remember - visit my previous post, leave a comment, and email me your mailing address (questionsfordessert at gmail dot com) to get free books!