Monday, April 30, 2007

picture pages!

"Picture Pages, Picture Pages,Time to get your Picture Pages,Time to get your
crayons and your pencils..."
"You can play with Picture Pages,Fill your day with Picture Pages, 'Till Bill Cosby does another Picture Page with you!"

My mom bought me Picture Pages when I was little. I watched a lot of Nickelodeon as a kid and really wanted to do the Picture Pages with Bill Cosby. But the day they came in the mail, I worked all of them. My mom was mad, but I was very proud. Or so she tells me. I don't really remember.

That's a long story just to introduce the day of pictures, isn't it?

Yes, I am home from work today. I'm draining (I hate snot!) and my body hurts. So here I am. And here are the pics from today.

Here is the no make-up shot. I found this to be very liberating. So not only am I free of cosmetics, but I am also in the throws of a terrible cold and my eyebrows are not exactly well groomed. And here is the picture for all to see. I do think that my short hair is absolutely adorable and my face may even be looking a little thinner. I am wearing my favorite green shirt (that I stole from Nate). What you can't see is the rest of the pathetic sick day attire: pink and green plaid flannel pants and bright pink crocs. If I worked as a news anchor, I would definitely only be made up from the waist up.

So you should do the make-up free shot too! Put it on your blog and link it in Adventures In BabyWearing just like I did!

And for the random shot of the day:

I originally took this picture to send to Nate's mom to show her the tables we painted. But then I realized that the picture is supportive evidence for several things I have mentioned previously in this blog.

1. Notice nice, blue night stands. The night stands in action! And mine (the one on the left) is not cluttered yet! Nathan's will never be cluttered.

2. I have mentioned before that I love waking up in a nice, white room and white sheets. It always feels like I am starting the day over fresh and clean. I just thought I'd show you more of that.

3. Farley puts himself in pictures. I grabbed the camera, and he followed me upstairs. He jumped on the bed and proceeded to lay down like he'd been there all day. And he looked at me, begging to have his picture taken. I had planned to take the picture from this angle. Its the best shot of the room, but not the most flattering of Farley. That'll teach him.

4. This is also where I am going to spend the better part of my afternoon. I am going to take my iPod full of sermons upstairs and refocus. And probably nap too. I'll let you know what I learn.

Have a great afternoon!

Sunday, April 29, 2007

and I'm thrilled to let you in...

Hello all. I'm still not feeling well. I am full of snot and coughs and I have a new strange pain in my left knee. Can my knee hurt from laying around on the couch? I guess so.

I haven't eaten all that well, but that's what happens when we spend the weekend with our parents. Yesterday was not bad: starbucks (venti iced decaf nonfat white mocha) and banana; point-friendly chicken salad sandwich; chicken, green beans, and roasted potatoes; a handful of tortilla chips; my dad's homemade frozen coffee (with non-fat ice cream); and a Fiber 1 bar. Today: starbucks, bowl of frosted flakes; beef and noodles (light on the beef) and peas; Iced Cappuccino from Tim Hortons; bowl of wonton soup. I need to count up the points. I'm sure I'll do that tomorrow 'cause I'll probably be home sick. I hate using sick days when I am really sick. Boo sick.

However, this time has allowed me to catch up on my reading. Blog reading, to be precise. I always need some more blogs to read, and I'm excited to share some of my favorites today with you. If you need some good reads, just follow the links.

I LOVE PastaQueen's Half of Me. I have been aching to link you to all to her opinions on an interview with Drew Barrymore in the latest People. I am so excited to hear that a celebrity has honest things to say about beauty and health. A few quotes from Ms Barrymore:

“I just think happiness is what makes you pretty. Period,” she tells the magazine. “Happy people are beautiful. They become like a mirror, and they reflect that happiness."

When do you feel most beautiful? "Right after I've worked out and I'm sweating all over the place and my face is two different colors of white and red and my hair is half wet, half dry and I look like I'm about to have a heart attack. I feel like I've changed the shape of my body temporarily into something more flexible and strong."

I love her thoughts. I love that she has to work hard at the gym. What I don't love is that a famous person has a healthier self-ideal than I do. Ms Barrymore has taught me that I have a lot of work to do. And I want to thank PastaQueen for bringing it to my attention. I often avoid tabloid magazines because they make me feel crappy. I should have picked up this one.

I also read something on the Pudge Budge that really hit me in the face.

Remember that something is always better than nothing. Even if you intended to walk 20 minutes, a 10-minute walk is still vastly better for you than doing nothing.

One of my biggest struggles is my polar thinking. I'm all or nothing. Either I go full force and count every bite that goes into my mouth or I go food crazy. Either I go to the gym and work out for an hour, or I don't go at all. She reminded me today that something is better than nothing. Thanks for that reminder.

Then I spent a while surfing, and came across some very cool things. The first is this challenge by Adventures in Babywearing to post pics without makeup. It is brilliant. I think we could all benefit from being brutally honest about who we are. So that's my plan in the morning. After the shower. I just can't handle it tonight.

And, from there, I came upon this awesome poem at Amy's Blog, and I had to share it with you.

By Maya Angelou

When I say… “I am a Christian”
I’m not shouting “I’m clean livin’.”
I’m whispering “I was lost,
Now I’m found and forgiven.”
When I say… “I am a Christian”
I don’t speak of this with pride.
I’m confessing that I stumble
and need Christ to be my guide.
When I say… “I am a Christian”
I’m not trying to be strong.
I’m professing that I’m weak
And need His strength to carry on.
When I say… “I am a Christian”
I’m not bragging of success.
I’m admitting I have failed
And need God to clean my mess.
When I say… “I am a Christian”
I’m not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible
But, God believes I am worth it.
When I say… “I am a Christian”
I still feel the sting of pain.
I have my share of heartaches
So I call upon His name.
When I say… “I am a Christian”
I’m not holier than thou,
I’m just a simple sinner
Who received God’s good grace, somehow

And I don't know what to say about MetaMorphose's blog, except she totally rocks. I am almost obesessed with it. Read it and read it all.

So when I don't have much to say for myself, I just point you to others who inspire and entertain me!

Have a great night and don't get a cold!!

Saturday, April 28, 2007

what's the story, morning glory?

Yay! Weigh in today was a success! 1.6 pounds down! Go me!

It's been a long day of visiting with the families, and coughing, and blowing my nose, so it's time for NyQuil and bed.

Thanks for all the skinny vibes and anti-sick wishes! I'll have more to say tomorrow!

Friday, April 27, 2007

maybe I'm just too demanding...

Big thanks to Aimee for letting me interview her. She did an amazing job answering the questions with honesty and candidness. Check it out here.

Thanks for chanting with me yesterday, but it didn't work. I am sick. Nothing major. Sore throat. Full of snot. I just hope that snot doesn't weigh a lot. I need low numbers for the weigh in tomorrow morning. I feel like chanting, "Low numers! Low numbers!" like I used to chant "No whammy! No whammy!" along with the old game show Press Your Luck. I guess I'm just in the chanting mood. (You know you remember the Whammy!)

I've eaten pretty well today, despite not feeling well. Typical breakfast, South Beach Cranberry Chicken Salad for lunch, 2 pieces of pineapple pizza and some wonton soup for dinner. And 2 mini york peppermint patties. Those things are gonna be the death of me. I don't know why I bought a new bag today.

So today I got home early (gotta love Fridays!) and had time to watch My Wife and Kids. I typically love that show and don't get home in time to watch it most days. Today, I got a really bad taste from the episode called Thru Thick and Thin. Jay had put on a few pounds (which was actually just some padding around her butt inside her sweatpants) and Michael was really on her to lose the weight, saying things like, "I don't know what happened to my wife. She left with a body of J. Lo and came back with a body like Jello." All because she had some more weight on her butt . This led to a "nightmare" of the entire family being obese, shoving huge pancakes in their mouths, fighting over an insane amount of bacon, breathing very heavily when still, and poor Katie being so fat she had to roll into the dining room instead of walk. I was just appalled at the way they were so stereotypical of fat people. I had always admired Tisha Campbell for always looking sexy and never appearing ashamed of her small breasts and curves. And then she mocks, in essence, me. I was very disappointed. And a little ashamed.
So we'll be back in our hometown this weekend, so I may not post again for a few days. I will let you know about the weigh-in ASAP. Have a great weekend!

Thursday, April 26, 2007

warm me up...and breathe me

I told you that I would show you pics of our new nightstands, and here is one of them! The before pics were nothing exciting, the tables were just wood-grain. I would have taken pictures of them in place, but I didn't feel like making the bed to take pics and then get right back in bed.

Okay, so I lied in a previous post. I do care what happens with Meredith and Derrick. I never thought I could feel so distraught over a television show. But at least Christina picked the red velvet cake. I am so glad that the writers are leaving them alone, if just for now.

I did really well point-wise again today. I used all my extra points for ice cream at the Fudgery. Banana Pudding ice cream. It was good.

I've had several questions about the South Beach Chicken Salad kits. Today I had the Santa Fe Chicken Salad. The kit was 4 points (5 if I would have eaten the jello, but I generally don't like jello). I found them with the lunchmeat. It's nice and neat and everything comes in the box that you can mix together. The Santa Fe Chicken somes with lime cilantro pita chips, spicy cubed chicken, cheese, and salsa-ish dressing. (Oh, and jello.) I mixed all the chicken stuff together and then put it over lettuce. I ate the chips with some salsa I brought from home. Very yummy and filling.

Tomorrow I am eating a repeat of Wednesday's lunch, the Cranberry Walnut Chicken Salad Kit. This one is 6 points. It's wheat pita chips, chicken, lite mayo, cranberries, walnuts and strawberry jello (I'll probably eat that jello). I will also eat that chicken salad on a bed of lettuce.

I am excited about weigh-in on Saturday. But at the same time, I really don't care what the scale says. I mean, I do, but other things ae more important. My clothes fit differently. And that makes little to no sense since I've had a lot of (real) ice cream this week. I've eaten all my flex points, and I've managed to keep myself within the expected range today. Maybe I wasn't eating enough the past few weeks. Or maybe I've just been holding water. I don't know. What I do know is I'm wearing clothes I couldn't wear last week. Who knows what the scales will say. I guess I'm more curious than excited, but I'm ready!

I've emailed interview questions to Aimee. Check her blog for her responses! I'm still working on yours, Annie!

It's time to change the cat litter and go to bed. My throat hurts. I got a monster headache out of nowhere today, but it responded well to Aleve. My legs are a little sore too (and not from any sort of exercise). Say it with me: I will not get sick. I will not get sick. I will not get sick.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

fact and fiction work as a team

Today has been a much better day food wise. I woke up feeling generally nasty, and that has motivated me throughout the day. Although my food choices were not the best (I did have 2 mini peppermint patties and a Healthy Choice ice cream bar), I only went one point over my daily allowance. Go me!

I also grabbed the wrong pair of pants this morning. Pants that I bought last year on clearance with dreams of wearing. Pants I tried on last week that didn't fit. Well, I wore them to work today. And they looked nice. I think I've lost weight since my last weigh in. And I've not eaten well. I'm just going to wait and see.

Nathan and I spent the evening painting end tables that are going to serve as nightstands. It's very exciting. I took before pics, but I'll wait until there's sunlight to take afters, and I'll share them with you!

Speaking of sharing, I got an email from my dear old friend Shirley today. She and her husband are good friends of Nate and I. They moved to Texas a few years ago. But today she tells me she's started a blog. I knew she'd had weight loss success, but I had not idea how much. Go check her out!

I am not one to review products, but I absolutely LOVED the South Beach Diet's Chicken Salad kits. Today I had the cranberry walnut chicken salad and put it on a bed of lettuce. I ate the pita chips and the jello and was amazingly full. 6 points for all of it. Tomorrow I'm having the Southwestern Chicken Salad Kit. I'll keep you posted.

I had a great time at work today. It was my day to lead group (with elementary school kids...mostly with ADHD and autism) and I'm working a nutrition program. Today was taste test day with fruits and vegetables. So we all tried cucumbers, cauliflower, mangos, and honeydew. I was so sad that many of the kids had not eaten any of them before. I felt like I did a really good thing in the course of their healthy lives. And then I had to bring out mean Krissie when two boys tried to convince me that they walked 41 laps (or 4.1 miles) in 40 minutes. I hate to call kids liars, but they walked. That's a 10 minute mile. No sir. So they are mad at me today. Oh well.

Nathan completely finishes his Master's degree on Monday with the completion of his last final. It's open-note, so he's not stressing. Go Nate, you librarian you! You rock!!

I'm reading Rob Bell's new book, Sex God but I'm only in the first chapter. I've been sleepy at bedtime, so no real reading is getting done. I just wanted you all to know what I'm reading today. I enjoyed Velvet Elvis, although I didn't necessarily agree with everything he said, it made me think (like in this blog entry). I am very excited for the newest installment of Harry Potter in July. Nate and I preordered 2 copies, one for each of us, and plan to donate one of them to the local library when we are done.

I also need to revisit the Beck Diet Solution. I really was working the program, and it was working for me. I gotta get back to that.

Again, my sincerest apologies to Aimee and Annie...I'll get the interview questions to you in the next few days, I promise! Tonight was a night of painting...and American Idol. (And can you belive that Top Model was a recap? What's up with that?)

So my plan for tomorrow is as follows:

Breakfast (6 points): Starbucks and banana
Lunch (6 points): SBD Southwestern Chicken Salad Kit
Dinner (6 points): Huevos Rancheros (Mexican Eggs)
Snacks (6 points): pear, string cheese, 2 dark Kisses

That leaves 4 points to play with. But it seems like a pretty good amount of food for those points, so I'm excited about tomorrow!

Have a great night!

what a way to make a living

Oh my. I inspired Annie to list her car history. She provided me with laughs. I need them this morning.

I usually get up before my alarm clock. Not today. I pushed snooze twice. Ugh. My fingers are swollen up like sausages. My stomach doesn't feel too happy with me. This is what I get for eating junk yesterday. I forgot that I used to feel like this all the time just a few weeks ago. Today will be better because I am in control.

No more time. Must get ready for work.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

who's gonna drive you home tonight?

Nothing noteworthy today. Eating was terrible. I had McDonald's twice. Twice. I had the Southwest Grilled Chicken Salad. Quite possibly the best salad I've ever had (6 points for salad and 3 for dressing). Then I found myself running errands from work, with my windows down, and thought it was a great day for ice cream. So I returned to McD's for a yogurt cone (3 points). I don't think I've been there more than twice in the last two years, and I return twice in one day. I hang my head in shame.

I also hang my head as the result of eating a piece of pizza, a chili dog, half a scoop of strawberry cheesecake ice cream, and 2 mini york peppermint patties. You know, at least I am honest. And I only have like 3 flex points to use before my weigh in on Saturday morning. But I am counting!

I realize that I am about to go into absolute 100% crazy Krissie rant mode. I recognize this, I accept it, and I proceed anyway.

Disclaimer: I love my new car. It is beautiful and roomy and everything works and nothing leaks and it doesn't drag the ground when I pull into my driveway and it is everything that the Krissie of today wants in a car.

But I haven't always been the Krissie that I am today.

I started out with this car. Exactly. A black Plymouth Laser. Man, could this thing fly. It was quick and I always felt that my car was sexy. Maybe climbing in and out of the backseat felt like navigating though the womb, but I was typically the driver, so it didn't matter. It didn't matter that the hatchback leaked and there was always standing water in the trunk. It was my baby. And I drove the laser until she met an unexpected demise, as the transmission went ka-put and we sold her mostly for parts.

Then there was this amazing car. Red looked just like this Celica. I loved Red. She became my dearest friend during my freshman year in college. I had to beg and beg and beg for her. It worked. I always felt cute in this car. She, again, did not have the most comfortable backseat, but I loved her. She also went pretty stinking fast, but the steering wheel shook between 45 and 60 mph, and the radio sometimes went out during those speeds. Oh, and one year on Easter, we broke the trunk and it took very skilled hands to coax it closed. She went to about 180,000 miles. I gave her up when I purchased my first car with my own money.

Enter The Avenger. Now, mine is white and has really blacked out windows (check this earlier post for a current picture), but I thought it was more important to show how the Avenger looked in her prime. I wanted a car like this when it was new, and I purchased one 5 years later. I love the Avenger. She is still sitting in my driveway. The kids at work always think I have the coolest car, with the sunroof and the dark windows. I always felt like a bad-ass in the Avenger. Like people expected a sexy person to drive my car (or a punk kid). I felt like it surprised people to see someone like me get out of such a sporty, spunky, sexy car. Maybe I was delusional, I don't know. But I felt my car said a lot about who I was on the inside. So I guess it also said something about my inside that the sunroof leaks, the trunk leaks, the front is duct-taped together and it is generally unreliable.

So there's my progression. Wild, fast, carefree Laser. Cute, don't-mess-with-me Celica. Sexy, spunky, bad-assed Avenger.
And now I drive a Nissan Altima. With 4 doors. No sunroof. No tinted windows. With windshield wipers that work, a cargo net in the trunk, and so much space that I cannot reach my purse when it is in the backseat. With woodgrain interior, keyless entry, a place for my sunglasses, two cup holders, and radio controls in the steering wheel. A very practical car. A car that one can drive comfortably for long distances with more than 2 people in the car. A family car.

An adult car.

That's what this is about. Being an adult. I love my life. I love my car. I just haven't totally adjusted to the idea that I am an adult. I'll be 30 this year. And my car supports that fact.
And I'm just not ready.

Monday, April 23, 2007

take the time to get to know me

So FatBridesmaid sent me my interview questions, and I love them! But first, here's how my eating day shaped up.

Breakfast, as always, as planned. The Asian salad was amazing. Then I had a Fiber 1 bar for a snack. We grilled cajun spiced shrimp, red potatoes, and I tried my hand at cheese grits. I did a pretty good job. Then I had a Healthy Choice Mocha bar and a small york peppermint patty. So today was a good day!

Now, on to the interview.

1. You and your husband, Nate, are adorable. How did you meet?

I actually met Nathan in middle school. My friends and I had gone to see the first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. Nate and his friends flirted with us by throwing popcorn. He insists, to this day, that he did not throw popcorn (and, reading over my shoulder, he also denies the flirting). He's not that big of a rebel. Then we became good friends in high school and kept in touch through college. We started dating our junior year in college (we were about an hour apart) and got married four years later. Excuse the picture quality...I took pictures of the pictures in a scrap book. First is high school graduation (sexy Kent!) and second is senior prom.

2. I'm a big fan of short hair and judging by the photos in your sidebar you chopped a good chunk of your hair off. What possessed youto give your hair the heave ho and how do you like it so far?

This isn't the first time I chopped my hair off. The first time, I did it so I could be Nathan for Halloween. Needless to say, I was much thinner then. This time, I decided to cut my hair because I was using it as an excuse. I hated it curly, and it took over an hour to straighten. I wouldn't go to the gym because I didn't want to mess up my hair or because it took so long in the morning, I didn't want to get up any earlier to go to the gym. I had so much hair, and it was so hot, that it pretty much stayed in a ponytail anyway. I LOVE my short hair. It's just wash and go. It is wonderful. Do I get to the gym as much as I thought I would? No.

3. One of my favorite things about your blog is that you insert a lotof pop culture references and water cooler banter. With that in mind,who do you think is going to win this cycle of America's Next TopModel (my money is on Renee) and dude, what's going on with McDreamy and Meredith on Grey's Anatomy?

I really wanted Jael to win ANTM. Now, I really don't know. I like Brittney, but she was such a pansy last week. As much as I hated the Russian chick, she's strarting to grow on me. What intitially came across as snobbishness and attitude I think is actually insecurity and a desire to fit in and be loved. I think she has a shot. And as far as Grey's goes, I don't mind them messing with Meredith and Derrick. I mean, they are finally showing more of their relationship than just sex, but their drama keeps the show going. I think they'll be fine. Although if the writers screw with Christina and Burke, I'll be very angry. They have to work. They are supposed to work. That's all I have to say about that.

4. What do you think is your biggest obstacle when it comes to losing weight?

My biggest obstacle is laziness. I know from experience that the only way I will lose weight is if I exercise consistently. I don't want to. I want to stay in bed in the mornings. I want to come home, eat, maybe do dishes, and watch tv. There is little in me that wants to be active. I know that all I have to do is exercise for a few days and then I'll get in the habit and I will feel soo much better, but I just can't make myself do it right now. I have a car to joyride around in!

5. You're married and I'm going to be a bridesmaid in about six months. Got any advice on how to keep The Bride happy?

My maid of honor was fabulous. She provided gentle guidance and reassurance. When I was paranoid that Nathan was not going to show or had left, she checked repeatedly to make sure he was still at the church. She assured me that, yes, the photographer was in the sanctuary and, yes, the favors were in place at the reception and, no, my dress was not tucked into my (bright blue) underwear. I asked a lot of questions, and none of them were stupid to her. She handled my paranoia with grace and peace. And she also thought of things that I was too excited to think about. Like, before pictures, she gracefully said, "It's kinda warm in here, do you want to freshen your makeup?" It needed it, from the tears and the kissing, but I was too happy to think about that. And she brought it up in a way that was tactful and sweet. I will always be grateful.
I don't know what was going on in this picture, but I love the look (dark-headed) maid-of-honor is giving Nate in this picture. All I know is that that day was, without question, the best day of my life.

6. What's your greatest accomplishment to date?

You know, this may be your hardest question. There are so many possibilities. I make an amazing flour-less chocolate cake. We refinished a 1895 home (including sanding floors!). I have some photographs and some mix cds that I am extremely proud of. But, beyond all that, I think my greatest accomplishment is our marriage (i know, gag!). Nathan is my best friend. There is nothing about me that he doesn't know and doesn't accept. I have allowed myself to be totally transparent with him, and that is not easy for me to do. We do not argue, fight, or have unrealistic expectations of each other. We accept each other for who we are and use our own strengths to fill in the weaknesses of the other. I believe this is a huge accomplishment for me because, pre-Nathan, I thrived on drama. I was always in some crazy, unstable, unpredicatble thing that resembled a relationship. High school and college were a string of destructive relatinships, and I think a lot of that was because I didn't love myself enough to think I was worthy of something clean and pure and beautiful. I love my marriage. I feel always safe, secure, and worthy.

Wow. That was fun! And kinda hard. I loved the questions. Thanks so much for your interest and for taking the time to really ask relevant questions.

So, is anyone up to be interviewed by me? Just express your desire in the comments.

It's almost time for King of Queens! Yay!

remember to always think twice

I don't know if you all get emails from Hungry Girl every day, but I do. And I love them. If you don't, subscribe. And tell her I sent you. I might just win something!

Anyway, today's email included a link to this site. (Beware - if fast food pics are a trigger for you, only visit here when full.) The link is pictures of fast food, comparing what it looks like in the ads versus what it really looks like when you get it home. It was eye-opening for me. The only thing that looks similar is the Subway sandwich. I am particurarly saddened by the picture of the Taco Bell Nachos Bell Grande. That is the item that would tempt me the most of those mentioned, and Taco Bell is the hardest place for me to avoid in general. Anyway, the real-life pics looks NOTHING like the advertisement. The reality in comparision to the dream might be enough to keep me out of Taco Bell.

The Wendy's Southwest Taco Salad looks pretty accurate, but I HATE when the chili liquid settles though the lettuce. I'll just take a small chili and a side salad, thank you very much. And I especially liked the ad picture of McD's Sausage McMuffin. It's like it's descended from heaven with the glorious light behind it. I laughed out loud. But I never liked their eggs anyway.

While reading Annie's intitial blog, she made me see that I am one of those people who refuse to hide behind my fat, or the fact that I am a woman. We saw that last week with the mechanic. But I refuse to take crap. And I turn into a very sweet, condescending woman when someone is trying to short-stick me.

Example that is realted to the Hungry Girl pics. It's been like 3 years ago. Subway introduced a new line of salads. I am usually satisfied with lettuce, but I LOVE spinach. So they run all these ads, and the new Garden Veggie salad looks wonderful...spinach, vegetables, honey mustard. I am pumped. I was new to my town and I make my maiden voyage to the local Subway. I order the salad. My salad artist fills the bowl with lettuce.

Me:Ma'am, the picture up there (I point to menu board) shows the salad with a bed of spinach. That's what I want.

Subway Artist: (puts about six pieces of spinach on top of the lettuce)What else would you like?

Me: I would like my vegetables to be put on a bed of spinach, please. No lettuce. Like the picture.

Subway Artist: The Garden Veggie Salad is lettuce. The Grilled Chicken Salad is on a bed of spinach. I can make you the Grilled Chicken Salad without the chicken.

Me: (internal dialogue: I will not pay two extra dollars for chicken salad without chicken!) Ma'am, the picture shows the salad on a bed of spinach and that is what I would like.

Subway Artist: That is not the way the salad is made.

Me: Then I would like cucumbers, tomatoes, onions, honey mustard. On my bed of lettuce.

I move down the line and proceed to start another (calm but condescending) arguement with the cashier that results in me refusing to pay for or take my salad. It took me over 2 years to return to any Subway. It was false advertising! There's a new one in our Super Wal-Mart, and that's the one I go to now.

I won't even tell the video store story. I'm boycotting Title Wave also. (Isn't that a stupid name for a video store?)

Me? Stubborn? Never!

I just got an email that my interview questions from FatBridesmaid are ready! Look forward to getting to know me even better!!

Sunday, April 22, 2007

but it was just a paper bag

So my food plan for today? Didn't happen.

We got a grill today! We had burgers and corn and grilled onions. Very yummy. Nate's dad brought a big thing of fruit, and that was perfectly sweet. I know that one of my major roadblocks in my weight loss story is feeling like things are unfair. I feel that if everyone else can eat a certain way, then why can't I? I used to feel that way. I'm trying, today, to not feel that way, only make an observation.

At lunch, everyone but me ate 2 burgers. (Granted, I only wanted one.) We go to the Fudgery, since Nate's dad and brother are from out of town. I get a single scoop in a cup. Nathan gets a big milkshake. His dad gets a really big rootbeer float. His brother gets a double scoop on a cone. And which of us has weight issues? Yep. It's me!! Again, not bitter. Not angry. I ate to my satisfaction. Just making observations.

But what does make me angry? These. Morning Star Spinach and Artichoke Veggie Bites. Not the bites themselves, but the math behind them.

They look really good. And they taste REALLY good. Like they should be on a list of things I should not eat. That good. When we were in the store, I figured out the points. One point each. That sounded great. So I baked them, had them with some of our favorite spaghetti sauce, and I ate 4. I felt good about that.

Then I get out the calculator. Just to make sure.

1 little nugget thing is 1 point. 3 (suggested serving) is 4 points. But 4 nuggets, the number I ingested, is a whopping 6 points. SIX!!! Oh well. I'd seriously gone into flexies this weekend anyway. And they were really very very good. They were almost worth it. Had I had known, I would have stopped at 3.

Oh yeah, I seriously went into my weekly flex reserve. As in, 2 days into my week, I have used 18 of my 35 flex points. It has been really hard for me to get back on board this weekend. I think a big part of that was being so "bad" last week and losing my highest amount yet. I'm going to try really hard to get to the gym tomorrow. Just time on the treadmill and the bike. Nothing too extravagant.

Do I have a meal plan for tomorrow, you ask? Yes, yes, I do. And I'm right back on.

Breakfast (6):
Starbucks drink

Lunch (6):
Asian Salad (lettuce, turkey, mandarin oranges, chow mein noodles, asian viniagrette)

Snack (2):
Single serving popcorn

Dinner (10):
Cajun Shrimp (6)
Grilled red potatoes and onions (4)

I haven't gone grocery shopping for work this week, so I may have snack with the kids. I have 4 points left that I can use for that, if I want.
Everyone have a great Monday!!

Saturday, April 21, 2007

you were all I could see

So let me recap the last week: incredible automobile struggles. I had no car for almost a week. Mechanic tried to screw me over. Got a new car. Sigh of relief yesterday.

What does stress lead to? Eating. What does relief lead to? Eating. Thursday night was out of control, mostly healthy stuff, but I felt out of control. Yesterday was small portions of unhealthy stuff for 2 meals, and dinner was 4 (4!!) large pieces of ham and pineapple pizza. And who knows how many York Peppermint Patties. No exercise at all over the course of the week. Zero. I needed to weigh because it was my day. And I am sinking in my heels and not giving up.

Today is the end of my third week. I get on the scale. I was so unconcerned with my weight that I did not look at what my previous weight was. I usually know that number and frantically do the math as soon as the number pops up on the scale. So when the number showed up, I didn't have any idea what that meant. I had a loss of 1.2. Over a pound! Two weeks of incredibly hard work created a loss of 1.4, and a week of half-assing it led to a 1.2 pound loss. I should feel thankful, but I'm just confused. I couldn't celebrate 'cause I don't feel like I earned it, especially in comparison to the previous weeks.

But I'll take it! I really talked to people at the meeting and feel like I'm starting to make some connections. I know that will help keep me motivated.

Putt Putt will also help keep me motivated. I love mini golf. We decided today that on weeks that I lose, we will play after the meeting. I am so excited. We played the Miracles course at Jesus Golf today. I did pretty good and beat Nate by one stroke. I'm not competitive, but I'm even less athletic. Putt putt is the one sport I do well at, so I celebrate my victory!

We tried to buy a grill today, but we couldn't fit the assembled one in the car, and the directions to assemble a boxed one looked difficult. So Nate's going back with the truck after church tomorrow. And then we will have yummy grilled food! Tomorrow is burgers, corn, and salad.

That being said, I need to post my food plan for tomorrow. I don't know the exact points, but a general idea. And I'll try to take pictures!


Hamburger (with A1, 2% cheese, grilled onions, lettuce, tomato and Bread and Butter pickles on a wheat bun!!)
Ear of corn
Salad (spinach, tomatoes, cucumber, mozzarella cheese, raspberry viniagrette)

Mandarin Salad (lettuce, slice of turkey, mandarin oranges, almonds, chow mein noodles, ginger dressing)

Fiber 1 bar
Apples and peanut butter

Friday, April 20, 2007

I have no lid upon my head...

So let me just tell you how God totally orchestrated my day.

I convinced Nathan that we needed to attack this mechanic together. So we both took a vacation day to get it straightened out. We get to the shop and the mechanic/owner will not be there for another two hours. I think that this would be a good time to go somewhere else and get the brake switch replaced in Nate's truck. Nathan called multiple shops and no one could get him in until Monday. We were getting kinda frustrated. Then one of us thought about a dealership in the next town over. Sure enough, we call and they can take his truck "right now." Cool. So off we go. I had never paid much attention to this dealership and would never have stopped there on a whim.

As we pull in to the dealership (which has a total of about 20 cars on the lot), I spy with my little eye a car that I like: a beige Altima. (Three years ago, we had a Nissan Altima as a rental car and fell in love.) We take his truck back to the service department and meander over to the car. It is perfect. 2005, woodgrain interior, power everything, controls on the steering wheel, just a beauty. I mention to Nathan that I am just going to see what price they have on it. We go into the showroom and are approached by a middle aged man in a t-shirt and shorts. Very laid back. Said he saw us looking at the car, wondered if we wanted to drive it. I explained that we don't have a downpayment or a trade, and we are in a pinch with our other car. He explains that if our credit is good enough, we may not need a downpayment. He tells us to take the car for a spin and he'll have a some financing options for us when we get back.

Nathan and I hop in and take it to pick up the car that is in the shop. We agree on a monthly amount we could afford. We get to the mechanic and decide to just take the car with all the repairs. I didn't feel like I was making any headway, and I need a car. I was still unsure if we would be able to get the Altima for the price Nate and I had agreed on.

We get back to the dealership, and he has some ballpark figures drawn up for us. He shows us the office reports that show that as of today, they took $1000 off the price of the car. So we fill out some paperwork, get insurance, and meet with the financing guy. We decide on the 100,000 mile extended warranty. We see the monthly payment and as the finance guy is typing away on his computer, I say to Nathan, "Look...that's only $2 above the limit I set!" like I was very proud of our luck. Then the finance guy says, "Actually, that was just a close estimate. I need to take $2 off that payment." So now it's less than $.25 over. How crazy was that! I had just said that, and he was wrong. He did not do that for our benefit, we were already sold.

So off we drove in our new car. Isn't she a beauty?

(One day I will take pictures with my house in the background instead of my neighbor's.)

It was amazing how many things just fell into place today. We would have never shopped at that dealership. The only reason we were there was because they had an opening in their service schedule (a repair that cost $33). The financing worked out beautifully. Insuring the car was easy and fairly cheap, since we were adding it to an exisiting policy. When I bragged that we were so close to our estimate, he had made a mistake and we were right at our estimate. I handled the bully mechanic, again, with humility and grace (although I was so angry that he treated me totally differently with Nathan accompanying me). I felt okay with paying the full amount, and that is so different than how I felt yesterday.

Eating the last two days? Two thumbs down. I didn't even count dinner last night. I've counted today, but not stopping when I reached my point target (I went 5 over). I weigh in tomorrow. I dread it. What if the past two days of stress/celebration eating will bring me to a weight higher than my start weight? (With a two week total of -1.4, that is a possibility). Oh well. I've learned from this. I've stopped eating for the day. I've done all the damage I am willing to do. I can only hope that the effort I put in during the first 5 days of the week will make up for the destructive behavior of the last two.

I hope you all have a great weekend. It's beautiful in Kentucky! Tomorrow, I weigh in and then I am going to buy the rest of the supplies I need to finish brother-in-law's wedding gift. I think I may talk Nathan into playing Jesus Golf. And then we will clean in anticipation of Father-in-Law's visit here on Sunday.

Send me skinny vibes!!!

Thursday, April 19, 2007

too much confusion...

(I actually said, "Too much confusion!" to the kids I work with on our field trip to the bowling alley today. So I sang Watchtower the whole I was outbowled by several elementary school kids with severe emotional disorders.)

Will the drama never cease? Seriously.

I always knew I was a stress eater. I use food to calm, to comfort. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've figured that out. But I guess I thought that if I knew that, then I would automatically just stop doing it. But it's not that easy. Today's breakfast was the usual. Then at lunch, I really (I mean REALLY) wanted pizza. There's a new pizza place in town that reminds me of home. One of the few true Greenup County food staples. And they opened one here a few months ago. I knew they had a buffet, and figured that I'd be fine if I could get a lunch buffet to go. And I was right! I got a big salad and 2 pieces of pizza, even though the box they gave me could have held a 16-inch pizza. 2 pieces. I was so proud of myself. (Until a male co-worker who is trying to put on weight said, "Can you really eat pizza when you are on a diet?" as he ate his big, juicy meatloaf sandwich from the Fuegery.) But things went downhill from there. On the way home, my boss (and transportation) stopped at a convenient store, where I bought (and ingested) another Starbucks drink and a package of mini muffins. Horrible. Then I came home and made 2 cheese quesadillas on small corn tortillas. Not the frozen Kashi meals I have, or any of the healthy stuff I could make, but ooey gooey cheese.

I know it could have been much worse, and I appreciate and praise myself for some of the damage control I did. But the feeling was terrible. I felt so powerless to my need to comfort myself with food. It could have been much worse. Had I had transportation (Nate is in class, so he's got our one working vehicle), or if it wasn't very cold outside, I would have chosen Taco Bell or Dairy Queen or something similar for dinner. I actually considered walking the 2ish miles to Taco Bell, but I couldn't remember if there was sidewalks the whole way. I wanted food. I still want food. But there's just nothing at the house that I want.

The issue? My car. No, my mechanic. So when I dropped off the car Monday, the note said, "Please call me before you fix anything over x amount." We've had several vague conversations about the state of my car. I call today to see if he has diagnosed the issue, and (tah-dah!) he says that my car is ready for me to pick up. I am initially very impressed that it was less than my x amount, but then he gives me the total. The total is more than twice my limit. TWICE the amount plus $50. It's insane. So I go to talk to him, and my options are to pay it or to have him take all the parts back off. And considering he's already had it for 3 days, it's hard telling how long that would take. If he would have called me, like I asked, I would have told him not to fix it. But he didn't. And now what do I do?

I realize that I have led a very fortunate life, but today was the first time I have ever felt that I was treated differently because I am a woman. Sometimes at work I feel like I end up doing a lot because I have a woman's eye and I don't have ADHD, but that's different. Today I felt like the mechanic thought he could walk all over me, and get me to pay for repairs I did not authorize, because I am a woman. And it pissed me off. I so felt like it would have made a difference if I was a man or even if I had a man with me, based on the attitude and tone he took with me. And I don't know what to do. Do I take a man with me to prove my point? Do I continue to try to rectify the situation on my own, realizing that I may not get the outcome I want or deserve?

Let me say, at this point, that I was nothing short of polite and then some while conversing with said mechanic. I apologized many times for the "misunderstanding" and for my "ignorance of car lingo" when he told me where he believes he got my authorization to fix my car (which is a total load of crap). I attempted to problem solve and attempt to find a compromise, but he was having none of it. So where are things? I am at home, and my car is with the mechanic. I'm going to see him tomorrow and figure this mess out. All I know is that I am not paying 2x for the work he did. I do not doubt that he did work totalling that amount. The car was very sick. I just cannot believe he did not authorize the work.

But now it's time for Gray's Anatomy. And I deserve it. With my big glass of ice water. And a mini York Peppermint Patty. Yeah. Take that, Mr. Mechanic.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

I will not take my love away

I have eaten almost out of control this evening. I do not know what my problem is. It started with work being totally crazy. The kids were out of control and I didn't handle it very well. So we went to the Fudgery. I had a grilled cheese sandwich and a scoop of ice cream. Then I came home. Sat around for a while and had an orange. Then a peppermint patty. Then another. Then a bowl of cereal. I stopped at that, though.

I think a part of my perceived powerlessness is related to my feelings of still not having a car. It's still in the shop. They got the brakes fixed today and were going to drive it around to try to diagnose the not starting/dying issue. I hope it doesn't cost a fortune. It probably will. I hate having to depend on people to pick me up for work and bring me home. I just hate it. There is a meeting tomorrow in an office I can walk to, so I'm thinking about walking there and hitching a ride to my primary office from there. Ugh.

I was on the Weight Watchers webboards tonight, and ran across a discussion entitled, "Ever look back at how you got fat?" Wow. Really, I don't think I have. I know it was mindless eating, and denial about my true size, that got me to this weight in the first place. But then, through a lot of hard work, I managed to find this person inside of all that blubber. (That's me on the far right.)

But then,

life happened.

Nothing major, not catastrophies. Just life and lazy. We got married. I went back to grad school. We bought a house (and put a lot of work into it). Life just happened. And over the couse of three years, the body that I had fought so hard to lose found me again. There was no medical emergency, no babies, no extreme stress to blame it on. There is no dramatic story to evoke sympathy or reason to feel sorry for me. There are only 2 reasons my fat found me: I love food and I am just lazy. (This is me, Nate, and bro Zak on Easter morning a few weekends ago.)

So that's where I am. Trying so hard to find it within myself to find myself again. I know there is a healthy person inside me, it's just going to take a lot of hard work to find her again. Who do I want to be? I know I do not want to be in the body I have today. I read a quote a few days ago that has stuck with me (I maybe repeating myself).

God loves the person I am today, but He loves me too much to let me stay this way.

I just hope I can find that love within myself.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

whatever holds us down...

Ugh. So the Avenger is in at the mechanic. $300 just to make it "safe." That's without even looking under the hood. "Reliable" may be more than we are willing to pay. So it may be car shopping for us this weekend. I really want a Jeep Compass. We'll drive one, and then we'll see.

We have a kitchen full of dirty dishes. I don't understand where they all came from. It's like we go from clean kitchen to filty kitchen in no time. That's for tomorrow.

I realized why I was so disappointed with my (miniscule) loss last week. It wasn't the number, it was that I wasn't getting my reward. I really want a pedicure. Really. I got the one while Nate was in Atlanta, and now I'm spoiled. My toenails just look so much better when someone else shapes and paints them. But I got over it, bought some new polish, and they look only slightly clumsy.

I have eaten like crazy today. I feel like I have eaten all day long. Usual breakfast (all together! "starbucks and banana!"). We took a co-worker out to eat for winning the NCAA pool, so I had the ususal peanut-butter-banana-honey sandwich at the fudgery. I had carrots and endamame for a snack around 5. Then I ate curry rice and lentil leftovers for dinner. And that's when the craziness started. I had a Fiber 1 bar and a glass of milk. Half an hour later, a bowl of Wheat Chex. An hour later, an orange. When I sat down to blog, I made myself count up the points. 31? Really? Only 3 points into my weekly flex points? I am impressed that that amount of food felt so outrageous. I'm really changing my habits here! I used to have cereal every night. We had to throw out some spoiled milk last week (that NEVER happens). I am changing. And that's more important than what the scale says.

Still no gym this week. Being without a car is depressing. It was nice enough outside today that we could have taken a walk, but we didn't.

But now I have a bath awaiting. Before I go, here's my tentative meal plan for tomorrow:

B (6) - Starbucks and banana
L (6) - Kashi Sweet and Sour Chicken, Broccoli
S (3) - Banana and Fat Free Pudding
D (13) - No Clue, something less than 13 points (maybe an Asian salad and a chicken breast)

Please continue your prayers and thoughts for Virginia Tech. I made myself stop watching news coverage today. It was breaking my heart to put faces to my prayers. More importantly, though, I felt like a peeping tom, like I was invading their privacy. So I have stopped watching and reading. I do not need to know the details to pray for the ease of their pain.

Monday, April 16, 2007

time grabs you by the wrist...

When I got out of bed this morning, I had several rants in mind for today's blog. The success story in this month's WW Magazine that lost 17 pounds. The feelings of helplessness that my car is in the shop. The general unfairness that I am eating so little and losing so little...

But then Virginia Tech happened. I know many tragedies happen in our little world, but this one has hit me hard. Maybe it's because it's kinda close to me geographically. Maybe it's because I treasure my college years and the people who became my surrogate family. Maybe it's because I remember what it was like to be the RA in charge of 40 freshman girls. I look back on those four years as a time when I was carefree and invincible. When all that mattered was passing Zoeller's theology final and winning Trivial Pursuit each Thursday night (I know I'm a dork). Bellarmine was a place where there was always an ear, always a hug, always a smile. It was not uncommon to make a midnight run to Denny's and find the answers to life's questions over a piece of cheesecake (to which I am still owe someone a cup of coffee in Seattle). It was there that I realized it was my call to be a therapist because I felt I had the skill to help people find their own answers. Those years were such a big part of who I am today. I learned, I loved, I struggled, I cried, and I maybe most imporantly I realized that life does not have to be about drama. I can hear "Crash Into Me" and it takes me back to Angela's car, or Sarah screaming "Underwear!" to Tom Petty or Tony doing the "Unbreak My Heart" dance. So many little things can trigger such vivid images for me. Images that bring a smile.

I am so thankful that I can look back on such an amazing college experience. And it breaks my heart, as a person and as a therapist, to imagine what is going on in the hearts and the minds of all the students at Virginia Tech. And the families of the students. Knowing the incredible impact a positive college experience had on me makes it impossible to imagine how today's tragedy is going to impact the lives of the students on that campus. Not just impacting their present and near future, but the rest of their lives. I have tried so many times today to pray for them, but I cannot find the words. I spent part of my lunch on my knees without an organized thought. My heart aches for those kids.

So good-night. And pray for Virginia Tech.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

between green and gray

We are so excited! Nickel Creek is coming to our hometown! (Granted, it's three hours from where we are now, but that's okay.) So in July, Nate and I will be going home to see our favorite band! And I think we're going to see the mandolin player (Chris Thile) on his solo tour in Asheville in May. I was starting to think this summer might be a bummer because of no beach trip, but it's going to be full of long weekends. Asheville in May, Kansas in June, Nickel Creek in July...what more could a girl ask for?

Oh yeah. To not be fat.

Today has been an okay day. The sermon at church was great, of course. Mike talked about giving God 100% of our lives and not keeping anything selfishly to ourselves. I heard this not only as a call to action in many areas of my life, but also as a call to let God help me, to give up control. I feel like I need to develop a plan to do this, like I have to ween myself off of control. I know it doesn't work that way. I'm trying to get there.

I still did not make it to the gym today. I don't know why. They closed at 6 and I kept myself busy (with excuses!) until then. Still bummed that the elliptical machine is a noisy beast. I'd be on it right now if I could. Isn't it interesting that as soon as I can't go to the gym, I really want to go? But my eating was right on target today.

Breakfast (6)
Starbucks drink

Lunch (9.5)
Peanut butter/banana/honey sandwich from the Fudgery

Dinner (8)
Linguine with asparagus and tomatoes
Salad with light honey mustard

Snack (4)
Fiber 1 Bar
a cup 1% milk

That leaves me with 1/2 point. I can do nothing with that. Just gonna leave it.

I have a general plan for tomorrow, but will have to figure out some points before I have exact eating plan. Breakfast will be the typical starbucks and banana. For lunch, I am having an Asian wrap (flat-outs, turkey, mandarin oranges, almonds, lettuce, ginger dressing) and some fruit. Dinner is going to be lentil curry with rice (couldn't find red lentils...grr to small town Kroger!) and either salad or fruit.

I'll post pics of dinner and the recipe tomorrow, if it turns out well.

Saturday, April 14, 2007

so glad our paths crossed this time today

Today started with a Weight Watchers meeting. I was so hopeful. I had been so stinking honest last week. I had written down every bite I put into my mouth. If I was unsure of points, I added one (sometimes 2) for good measure. I didn't even use all of my 35 weekly bonus points (I used 21). And I lost an astounding .8 of a pound. Whooptie-freaking-do. I was moderately discouraged. No, I'm going to be honest. I am incredibly discouraged. The meeting discussion was about excuses and things we tell ourselves that allow us to eat. I think it was good to hear, but didn't apply to me too much today. I have held myself so accountable for 2 weeks to have a massive loss of 1.4. I'm hanging in there.

I am hanging in there. I had a pretty good rest of the day. Nate and I met up with Kent and we went to Stella's for brunch. They had a buffet for brunch. It was wonderful, locally-grown breakfast foods. And I couldn't help noticing that I was the only fat person there. That told me that the food mustn't be too bad for me. I had some cheese grits (more grit than cheese), tomato strata, some sausage and potato hash (very heavy on the veggies) and a little fruit. I left feeling very pleased with the amount I had eaten and the choices I had made. I did not have french toast or biscuits or gravy or bacon or sausage or ham. And I really didn't want any of those things. I ate just enough. Not too full, but not hungry anymore either. Good times.

Then Nate and I went to Wild Oats. We were after whole wheat linguine and honey. We had a normal honey bear, but we approached one of those free sample tables. The lady was tasting this raw honey. We were suckers. Man, it's good. I'm excited to try it on our banana honey wraps!

We stopped at Starbucks. I forgot to ask for non-fat milk in my white chocolate latte. Thus I used 8 points instead of 6 (geez, I'm an idiot!). But at least I didn't go for whipped cream!

Then we came home and got to work on dinner (we'd had a long day!). I fixed Linguine with Asparagus out of this month's Rachael Ray magazine. It was amazing. (We had salads too...iceberg with a little mozzarella and O'Charley's reduced fat honey mustard.)

For anyone interested, the recipe is very easy.

Cook 3/4 lb. whole wheat linguine as directed on box. While that is cooking, sautee a chopped onion and 4 chopped garlic cloves in 1/4 cup olive oil. When onions are translucent, add 1/4 cup water, 1 lb asparagus (in 1 inch pieces) and one bag cherry tomatoes. Cover and cook 4 minutes. Drain linguine and toss with asparagus mixture.

Nathan attempted to fix the annoying rub/squeak in our elliptical machine. We thought he was succesful and I got really excited that I'd be able to work out at home tonight. But he reassembled the thing and the noise returned. So it's still not usable by me. I know we can't afford a treadmill, but I think I may try to talk Nathan into an exercise bike. We'll see.

I have spent a lot of times on blogs this evening, looking for inspiration and motivation. Ben's blog for today hit me hard. He talks about his decision to work through the 12 steps of Overeater's Anonymous. I know what that's about - I've worked in drug treatment. The program teaches total reliance on God in order to overcome our addictions. Although I do not think I need to work through the steps to ease my weight burdens, I do know that I'm not allowing God to help me. I have stopped praying about my weight. There's a big part of me that thinks it's silly to bother God with my weight problems. (I'll just pray and pray for a baby. That's what's really important.) I've stopped praying about my food choices, I've stopped doing my prayer journal, I've stopped listening to sermons. Why? I don't know.

I don't want it to sound like I'm deciding to take a good dose of Jesus and expect Him to step in and make me lose weight. That's not it at all. I've taken this all on me...I've attempted to control my weight myself. Maybe I'm like some of the kids I work with. Sometimes they are struggling with a task (homework, craft activity, something athletic) and they won't accept my help. Not only will they not ask, but they won't accept when I offer. They are so bent on doing it themselves that the don't even want my help. I think that's where I am today. Ready to not be so stubborn and ask for help. And actually take it. What will this mean? I don't know. A few days ago, I said that I was listening, but I don't think I really was.

So I'm digging out my prayer journal. I'm going to go back to devoting time each morning to really sit and listen. I'm putting new sermons on my iPod, specificially one titled "Leaving Control for Faith". And I'm working on doing that.

Friday, April 13, 2007

i want a party with rooms full of laughter...

See my nice, clean, organized closet? Notice anything? How about short sleeves? I got my wonderful new wardrobe from Old Navy, and it's hanging there. It was so warm for a week...about 2 weeks ago. And now it's been cold, windy, and mostly rainy for too long! It's spring! Old Man Winter is a turd burglar. I want spring! I want it now! And if I don't get the things I am after, I'm going to scream! (By the way, the ever photogenic Farley snuck into the closet while I was taking the picture, but you can't see him. You can see the foot of my old teddy bear. I didn't know where else to put him. He likes to hide there.)

But it's okay. I wore a new shirt with sweatshirt today. I made it work.

So tomorrow is the big Weigh Day. I didn't do as well as I wanted last week, so I'm hoping this week will be better. While cleaning out our office, I came across my old Weight Watcher journals from 2003-2004. I lost a lot of weight. And then I plateaued for 9 months. 9 MONTHS. No wonder I quit going. There were variations of 2-3 pounds, but my weight was the same in December to September. You would have thought I would have been happy to maintain, but I was still 35 pounds from my goal, from what put me in the normal BMI range. It was nice to have my old journals, to see all the work I put in. I know I have said before that the key to weight loss for me is exercising, and now I have the proof in my own handwriting. The weeks I had big losses were the weeks that I exercised long and hard. I think Nate is going to try to fix our elliptical machine so that I can exercise at home. It has a loud squeak...a rub actually...that I cannot stand it. So I may be able to exercise at home again. That will make a difference.

So on an effort scale this week, I'd say I was at a 5 out of 10. Eating wise, I was pretty stinking good, like 8.5 of 10. I wrote down every bite I took, the good, the bad and the ugly. I didn't use all my weekly reserve points, and even cut back a few days to make up for prior days. I feel really good about how I ate. Exercise was almost nonexistant, pretty much a 1. I know I need to exercise. Exercise is the only way I will meet my goals. And, more importantly, it's the way that I will keep my weight when I get it where I want it. My goal for next week: keep up the eating right, and exercise every day. I've just got to get started. I know, like eating, exercise will be easier when it's a habit. It's starting up again that's going to be hard.

I was reading Pasta Queen's blog this morning, and she talks about binging. Do I binge? Would I call what I do binging? I thought a lot about that today. I even consulted my therapist books. I have decided that at times, especially on days that I'm home at 4 and have the television on, I can get wrapped up in a cycle that has something in common with binges. I can eat a few bowls of cereal and maybe a cheese sandwich. It's the complusion to eat that comes from no where. No, it actually comes from boredom. But I eat quickly, refilling at commercials, and would be mortified if someone saw me. I feel somewhat guilty afterwards, but then I think that it was cereal, milk, cheese, and bread. Seriously. What harm is done there? I can think of only 2 or 3 occassions when this happened, but I really don't like it. So when I am home during Oprah and Dr Phil now, I just don't watch tv. It's that simple. I just find something else to do. Today I put away clothes and straightened up my closet. I do not think I binge because I do not premeditate the binge at all, nor do I feel terrible after, nor is it uncontrollable. I am controlling it because I avoid the situation. You know, I have some of the same feelings when I watch Oprah at night, but I won't hoard and eat, primarily because Nathan is home and he would notice. I didn't know I had issues with Oprah. I'm gonna have to think that one through.

I keep reading blogs that have educational value. Blogs that actually give inspiration and review articles and really tell you how to lose weight. I guess I'm just a narcissist. I only hope I'm an entertaining narcissist. Like Garfield.

So send me skinny vibes for my date with the scale in the morning. Then I'm going to get the free gift at the Clinique counter at Macy's (I LOVE free gifts) and then we may test drive a few cars. We'll see what the weather is like. Stupid winter.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

like she's walking on a wire

Well, the car is okay today. I realize I still need to get it to a mechanic (that'll be Monday), but it comforting to know that at least for now, it is not absolutely necessary to buy a new car. I want car shopping to be fun and patient, not rushed and a necessity. I'm still looking around, though.

Today has been a really good day. It's still too cold here for my gauchos and flip flops (way too cold, actually) and I was a little bummed this morning. But I did try on a few pairs of capris that are almost wearable in public. Maybe they will be by the time the weather lets me wear them!

It's been a great day for food, and I'm really not sure what 's been different. Breakfast was the typical Starbucks and banana (6 points), lunch was a turkey sandwich and triscuits (7 points) and dinner was a smorgasboard of sorts. I couldn't decide what I wanted, so I spread it out over about an hour and had a little of everything: a bowl of wheat chex (5 points), a Fiber One bar and a small glass of milk (4 points) and half of a peanut-butter-banana-honey sandwich (4 points) and if I've done the math right, that leaves me with 2 points left for the day. I have been in my weekly flex a little more than I'd like this week, so I've stopped eating for the day.

During my running phase, I subscribed to Runner's World Magazine. I got the first one today. Only a little sad. It's making me second-guess putting off running. But I'm sticking to my plan right now.

I didn't go to the gym. It's just too cold and nasty outside. And, since the car talk started, I thought it was very important to make sure that our finances were in perfect order. That means balancing the checkbook, which I hadn't done since November. So that took a huge chunk of my evening. And now it's time for Grey's Anatomy. I know it's a rerun, but I hope it's not a stupid one.

I started the day feeling terrible that I didn't plan my eating for today, but now I am very pleased at how it turned out. Here is tomorrow's plan:

Breakfast (6 points)
Starbucks drink

Lunch (8 points)
Salad with apples, oranges, walnuts
2 tbsp raspberry viniagrette
6 cracked pepper triscuits

Dinner (7 points)
Flat-Out pizza

Snacks (3 points)
Fiber 1 Bar

Have a great night!

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

i've seen your face before, my friend

The Avenger

Today may be the beginning of the end. My car sputtered to a stop on two seperate occassions today. She's been so good to me and she sure looks great for her age. I'm afraid, though, that her cruising days may be over. I'm still going to drive her (minimally, of course) until we get her checked out on Monday. We've put a limit on the amount we will pay to have her repaired, and if it's over that, we'll have to have a new car. Wouldn't that be terrible? I'm already window shopping.

But food wise, today has been a great day. After the half-bad banana for breakfast. The Starbucks drink was amazing, as always. Lunch was a great peanut-butter banana honey sandwich and some apple slices. Dinner was a nice salad and my creation: spinach dip lasagna. It was really good, but I'm not sure if it was worth the 10 points. It was relatively easy and it was fun to have Nate in the kitchen with me. So much green and cheese and whole wheat pasta... how could a girl go wrong? And then I had a 2-point Weight Watcher ice cream cup. Totally yummy.

I don't know where I am as far as motivation today. I just feel like I'm just having to make myself do what I know I'm supposed to do, and just hope that I'll be pleased with Saturday's weigh-in. If not, I may just have to weigh with my back to the scale or something. I hate that I am so motivated by a number. I wish that the improvements that I am making to my health would be enough for me to keep going. But so far, that is not the case.

I didn't even plan on going to the gym today. With fixing dinner and my night of television, I just didn't have exercise as a priority. Wow. Seeing that out there stings a little. Tomorrow, I will go the gym. Immediately after work. Work. Gym. Dinner. TV. Nate home from school. That sounds like a good plan to me!

I haven't been listening to podcasts recently. I'll try to have some insight for tomorrow.

And, to lighten things up, I decided to play another round of iPod Roulette (put iPod on shuffle and see what comes up! the good, the bad, the sometimes embarrassing).

#1 - Granny - Dave Matthews Band. Ahh...Granny. I was obsessed with this song for a while. Great song.

#2 - Ants Marching - Dave Matthews Band. (Live at Red Rocks) Well, 2 in a row. I listened to this cd over and over and over. I love the way he lets the crowd sing. "People in every direction. No words exchanged, no time to exchange them." I hope that's not the way I live my life. (And I can sing along with the really fast part. 'Cause I'm cool.)

#3 - Hiding Place - Jars of Clay. This is from their amazing "Redemption Songs" cd, a recording of old hymns. "Jesus, teach my soul to pray." I love what JOC can do to a song, the way they make them speak to me.

#4 - Like the Last Time - Matt Wertz. We saw him with Jars of Clay. I've learned that his music is great dishwashing music. It just makes me dance. And it's fun to dance and wash dishes at the same time!

#5 - Gone Daddy Gone - Violent Femmes. When I was at Bellarmine, Violent Femmes came and did a concert. It pretty much sucked. They did Blister in the Sun twice. I waited and waited to hear this song 'cause I love it. They played it, and then I left, picked Tony up at the dorms, and went to Taco Bell. Gnarls Barkley also does a good version of this song.

#6 - Reasons Why - Nickel Creek. I am so sad that they are breaking up. Great musicians make great music. "Where am I today? I wish that I knew." I feel like that sometimes. Just good stuff.

#7 - Over My Head (Cable Car) - The Fray. I like this song. It reminds me of the beach last summer. And aren't we all over our heads in some part of our lives?

#8 - In the Air Tonight - Recoil. I have a soft spot for covers, and a very soft spot for Phil Collins, so the they combine for this song! The drums are through the whole song, which makes it kinda anticlimactic. But I know that one day this will be an awesome running show.

#9 - House Carpenter - Nickel Creek. The second saddest song of all time, second only to NC's Lighthouse Tale. Seriously. Her old love comes back. She leaves her husband and her baby. They go sailing off. She misses her baby, gets angry and bitter. And the ship sinks. I've got to skip the rest of it.

#10 - Crazy - Alanis Morissette. Again, cover combo of a great song and a great artist. I love Alanis (references to her are all over this blog), and it's a really good song. A let loose song. Another song that would be great to run to.

Leave me your random 10! I'm off to watch America's Next Top Model and American Idol during commercials. Have a great night!

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

seems like I should be getting somewhere...

It's generally been a bear of a day. I got up this morning with a sense of life being unfair. I know that's not the way to start the day. I felt hungry when I got up. Really hungry. It was hard to wait until after I got ready for work to eat. As I was getting ready, I became very upset that my clothes are not miraculously getting more loose. I mean, I've been working my tail off, counting point after point, not eating crap, generally being "good," and I'm still not anywhere near asthetically pleasing. And this made me very unhappy. Then, I ate my breakfast (banana and Starbucks) and was still hungry. So I spent most of the morning feeling like this:

(This is a picture of my beautiful Scully, not in her most umm... lady-like position. Okay, so today I felt fat, not trampish.)

All things considered, I did very well with lunch. The Sweet and Sour Chicken frozen meal from Kashi is very highly recommended. It was so good. I had a big pile of broccoli to go with it. And I ate a little too much. I got up from the table and felt stuffed. On broccoli! I would not allow myself to feel guilty for being stuffed with broccoli! I snacked on a Fiber 1 bar in the afternoon. I didn't feel like cooking (the pity party continued), so we went to the Fudgery. I did well, peanut butter/banana sandwich. I counted on the high side...there was more peanut butter than I would put on it if I were making it at home. I had a bite of Nate's ice cream and then I had popcorn during American Idol. So the plan wasn't followed exactly, but I stayed within my points. And, on a totally unmotivated day like today, that is a huge success.

Tomorrow I am making lasagna based on spinach artichoke dip. I'm hoping it's good. If it turns out well, I'll post the recipe and pic tomorrow. If I don't, assume it was a huge embarrassing failure.

No gym today. I just wasn't feeling it. I know that I have to exercise if I want to lose weight. I know that. But I just could not make myself go.

It just doesn't make sense to me. I have literally cut my caloric intake in half. Literally. Other than my morning Starbucks indulgence, I'm almost junk-food free. All this and a .6 pound loss. All I know is that I am really hoping for a good loss on Saturday. If not, I don't know how I'll stay motivated.

I'm like 10 days into this, and already my resolve is weakening. How can I expect to do this for the rest of my life? I watched this video on YouTube (which I know I favoritized but now I can't find) and the girl says that 95-98% of all people who lose more than x number of pounds (it's big, but I don't remember what...70-80 ish) gain it back plus more within the next 3 years. And I'm almost that statistic. I lost 46 pounds. 46!! And 51 pounds found me.

I know what I'm supposed to tell myself, thanks to the Beck Diet Solution. This is negative self-talk. I know that I'm supposed to tell myself that I can think like a thin person, I just have to train myself to do so. I have to practice the skills of craving resistance and hunger tolerance and I just have to give myself no choice but to follow my plan and to exercise. But can I do this for the rest of my life? Yes. YES. Y-E-S!

You know what. Screw statistics. YES I CAN! I love the feeling of passing up dessert. I love the feeling when I leave the gym. I love not having to pour myself into clothing. I will practice the skills I am learning and they will become habit. And then I will be a runner, and I will be comfortable in my skin, and I will be the person God wants me to be. I came across a quote the other day that I love. God loves the person I am today, but He loves me too much to let me stay this way. I know that I am living in a way that is displeasing to Him, I just hope that a healhier lifestyle and less fatness go together.

Another reason for my grumpiness: a friend of mine's sister is pregnant. Not on purpose. It's a very happy occassion, but knowing that people "just get pregnant" seems, again, unfair. I want to be a mom. When will it be my time? Again, I know that it is not my timing that matters, I am living on God's timing. But sometimes I can't help but fear that maybe a child is not in His plan. I know that God can do anything, and I know that God has a plan, and I know that His plan is good. And, in most areas, I can turn my life over to His plan. The location of our next jobs, our financial state, our safety and our health - I turn that over willingly and pray that He shows us His will. But what if His will is for us to be childless? That thought crushes me.

Sigh. I'm going to check the blogs I read every day, hopefully to find some encouragement and motivation. And then it's to my lovely bedroom. I think one of my favorite things about my house is our bedroom. It's white. The walls are white. The sheets are white. It just feels clean. And that is so symbolic to me on days like today. Tomorrow I will wake up to a nice, clean, brand new day. With clean white sheets and clean white walls. And a hope that the day will be bright and shiny.

Monday, April 9, 2007

you must whip it!

Food diary! I stuck to my plan today! I did have whipped cream with my strawberries, but it was 0 points, so it was okay. Notice Farley in the lunch picture. He is so photogenic. I tried to get him off the other end of the table, but he wouldn't budge. He really wanted to be in the picture. He's goofy.

I only did 2.1 miles on the treadmill at the gym tonight. A combination of getting shocked every time I touched the heart rate monitors and wanting to get home to see How I Met Your Mother (I planned well, but not for traffic from a train). I will get in the full 3 tomorrow!

Sorry no ephipanies. Today was a great lazy day. I read a lot of blogs that I'll link tomorrow. But the rest of this will be brief. There's a new King of Queens on in a few.

Tomorrow I am going to eat my full 28 points. It's going to look like this:
Breakfast (6):
Starbucks drink

Lunch (8):
Kashi Sweet and Sour Chicken
String cheese

Snack (2):
Fiber 1 bar

Dinner (7):
Flat Out Pizza

Snack (5):
Wheat Chex and 1% milk

Have a great night!

Sunday, April 8, 2007

we will get along until we're old and gray

Okay, so here are the pics I promised...and more!

These are from the pre-exam night festivities at Kent's last Thursday night. Nate is in the floor studying for his exam. Kent is preparing the amazing dessert. You'll see our glorious spread of bang!bang!shrimp!, salad, sweet potatoes, tomatoes and rolls. All was amazing. Just wanted to make sure Kent got big props for the wonderful meal! Thanks so much for letting us stay and babysitting the avenger this weekend.

We had a great Easter. Nathan, Zak, and I went to the church that my family grew up in. It was amazing how little had changed. It made me appreciate where I came from and also how I have grown. Good times.

Then we had Easter lunch at Mamaw Brewer's. Although I snacked some on homemade spinach dip while setting things up (really worth the points), I did very well food-wise at lunch. I don't remember everything I ate, but I do remember figuring up that I had 14 points on my plate and didn't even eat everything (mainly chicken salad, corn, a roll, a little turkey and a little dressing). I had no dessert. When we got back to Nate's mom's, I had 4 little chocolate eggs (like smaller than hershey kisses). Nate's dad had even more of my favorite chocolate eggs, where I grabbed a handful mindlessly. I had the first one in my mouth, mentally reviewed the reasons I want to be thin, and put the rest of them in Nate's hand. It felt like such a huge success. We didn't really have dinner since I'm not hungry yet. I think with my snacking pre-lunch and my Starbucks drink (I'm choosing not to quit them!), I'm right at points today. Yay!!

Tomorow is the beginning of Week 2 of the Beck Diet Solution. My task for today/tomorrow is to make a plan of what I will eat tomorrow and stick to it exactly. Since I took some liberties this weekend, I am only eating 25 points tomorrow instead of my usual 28. My lunch is huge to prepare me for not eating dinner until 6. This is what tomorrow will look like:

Breakfast (6 points):
Starbucks drink (4)
Banana (2)

Lunch (10 points):
Spinach, apples, oranges (2)
1/8 cup walnuts (2)
2 tbsp raspberry dressing (2)
turkey wrap (4)

Dinner (6 points):
Grilled tilapia (2)
grilled potatoes (4)
grilled tomatoes (0)

Snack (3 points):
Strawberries (1)
Fiber 1 Bar (2)

3 miles on treadmill

Nate is my diet coach, so he is going to be keeping me accountable. You are invited to do the same! I am excited about planning my meals out again. I know that and exercise is what helps me be successful.

Have a happy Monday!

Saturday, April 7, 2007

hold me closer, Tony Danza

I'm back!

The last few days have been great! We had an amazing dinner at Kent's on Thursday night. Shrimp (bang! bang! sauce!), sweet potatoes, tomatoes, and pineapple on the grill. Yumm. (Pictures to come when I get the pics off the camera.) Friday's highlight was Nathan killing his library test. Go Nate!

I went to Weight Watchers on Friday. I lost a whopping .6 pounds. Whooptie. I knew I had been watching for a few weeks, so I didn't expect the typical week 1 loss. Oh well. I am very impressed with my attitude so far, though. I'm not discouraged. I'm just motivated to exercise more this week. I really think that my attitude and encouraging self-talk are helping me stay on track. Nate's mom fixed Easter dinner last night, and I had one pretty small plate. She was going to cook a big breakfast this morning, but I fixed and split a banana peanut-butter wrap with Ralph's granddaughter. And, as we speak, I am not eating one of Dad's homemade waffles. I'm just not hungry. And I don't feel cheated or angry. Go me!

I found an Easter dress on Thursday. It still came from Lane Bryant. The fat store. But I decided it was more important to buy a dress that fit instead of buying a dress that I was uncomfortable in. I'll also be able to wear it to Luke's wedding. It's a wraparound dress, so it'll be a little more wearable than the typical dress as I continue to shrink. I'm sure I'll post Easter pics.

I'll be spending today in the kitchen. I'm going to make chicken salad for the big Easter dinner tomorrow. It'll be nice to know exactly how many points are in something. I'm sure I'll eat other things too, but at least with my chicken salad, I'll know. Then Mom and I are making stewed tomatoes. Dad is making spinach dip in a bread bowl and other random loaves of bread. I am so excited. I love being in the kitchen. And tonight is Mom's spaghetti. It is so good. I'll count it, don't worry.

It's nice to be at home with the parents and the brothers. Zak's in from Kansas and Nick is here before work. I feel like a kid again.

Have a happy Easter!

Wednesday, April 4, 2007

just say you'll wait for me

Just a quick note to say that dinner at Shakertown was awesome. As was our service. Even though the special was a pork in apple cider sauce, I stuck with my initial plan to have the baked trout. It was a good thing too...the apple cider sauce was actually a very creamy cream sauce. I replaced my favorite creamy tomato soup for cucumbers in red wine vinegar for the appetizer. I did not have any cornbread. The main course was really good. The trout was exactly like I wanted, the green beans were fresh, and the baked peaches didn't appear to have a glaze or anything drippy on them. I did have three very small yeast rolls, which put together may have been the size of a usual dinner roll. I had no desire for dessert. Even when we talked about getting birthday ice cream with our friends. Even after we stopped at Walmart and bought Weight Watcher mini-cups of ice cream, I only ate about half of mine (1 point!) because my desire for sweets was quenched.

The most impressive thing was that I did not feel cheated. The bite I had of the pork was awesome (thanks Nate!), but keeping with my fish increased my confidence because I stuck with my plan. I did not finish my fish or my peaches, and that was fine. I ate until I was comfortably full. And the sense of satisfaction I left with was so much better than any meal I've ever eaten. I can do this. I can make healthy choices. I am making healthy choices.

So check out the responses to my posts...The lady who wrote the Beck Diet Solution actually commented on my last post! She made a great point. I do not want to give up my starbucks drink. I am making it work within my meal plan and points allowance. If I wanted to, I could. I've done it before, several times actually. I'm just not willing to let go of it right now. I don't know why I make such a big deal of it in my head anyway. I guess at times I think there is something wrong with being "addicted" to caffeine. I do get the headaches when I stop. But lost of people drink pop/soda/coke. Atleast my beverage of choice has 20% of my calcium needs!

I am seriously loving the book, though. It's changing my thinking in such a powerful way. And I so appreciate her feedback. It's crazy that people I don't know read my blog. And crazy that people that I do know read my blog. I never thought my blog would take off like this - I never thought it would have such an impact on me. I feel like I am accountable (in a good way) to each of you. Knowing that you believe in my helps me believe in myself.

In case I am not blogging the next few days (the whole out of town thing), don't forget about me! Have a happy happy Easter!