seems like I should be getting somewhere...

It's generally been a bear of a day. I got up this morning with a sense of life being unfair. I know that's not the way to start the day. I felt hungry when I got up. Really hungry. It was hard to wait until after I got ready for work to eat. As I was getting ready, I became very upset that my clothes are not miraculously getting more loose. I mean, I've been working my tail off, counting point after point, not eating crap, generally being "good," and I'm still not anywhere near asthetically pleasing. And this made me very unhappy. Then, I ate my breakfast (banana and Starbucks) and was still hungry. So I spent most of the morning feeling like this:

(This is a picture of my beautiful Scully, not in her most umm... lady-like position. Okay, so today I felt fat, not trampish.)

All things considered, I did very well with lunch. The Sweet and Sour Chicken frozen meal from Kashi is very highly recommended. It was so good. I had a big pile of broccoli to go with it. And I ate a little too much. I got up from the table and felt stuffed. On broccoli! I would not allow myself to feel guilty for being stuffed with broccoli! I snacked on a Fiber 1 bar in the afternoon. I didn't feel like cooking (the pity party continued), so we went to the Fudgery. I did well, peanut butter/banana sandwich. I counted on the high side...there was more peanut butter than I would put on it if I were making it at home. I had a bite of Nate's ice cream and then I had popcorn during American Idol. So the plan wasn't followed exactly, but I stayed within my points. And, on a totally unmotivated day like today, that is a huge success.

Tomorrow I am making lasagna based on spinach artichoke dip. I'm hoping it's good. If it turns out well, I'll post the recipe and pic tomorrow. If I don't, assume it was a huge embarrassing failure.


No gym today. I just wasn't feeling it. I know that I have to exercise if I want to lose weight. I know that. But I just could not make myself go.


It just doesn't make sense to me. I have literally cut my caloric intake in half. Literally. Other than my morning Starbucks indulgence, I'm almost junk-food free. All this and a .6 pound loss. All I know is that I am really hoping for a good loss on Saturday. If not, I don't know how I'll stay motivated.

I'm like 10 days into this, and already my resolve is weakening. How can I expect to do this for the rest of my life? I watched this video on YouTube (which I know I favoritized but now I can't find) and the girl says that 95-98% of all people who lose more than x number of pounds (it's big, but I don't remember what...70-80 ish) gain it back plus more within the next 3 years. And I'm almost that statistic. I lost 46 pounds. 46!! And 51 pounds found me.

I know what I'm supposed to tell myself, thanks to the Beck Diet Solution. This is negative self-talk. I know that I'm supposed to tell myself that I can think like a thin person, I just have to train myself to do so. I have to practice the skills of craving resistance and hunger tolerance and I just have to give myself no choice but to follow my plan and to exercise. But can I do this for the rest of my life? Yes. YES. Y-E-S!


You know what. Screw statistics. YES I CAN! I love the feeling of passing up dessert. I love the feeling when I leave the gym. I love not having to pour myself into clothing. I will practice the skills I am learning and they will become habit. And then I will be a runner, and I will be comfortable in my skin, and I will be the person God wants me to be. I came across a quote the other day that I love. God loves the person I am today, but He loves me too much to let me stay this way. I know that I am living in a way that is displeasing to Him, I just hope that a healhier lifestyle and less fatness go together.


Another reason for my grumpiness: a friend of mine's sister is pregnant. Not on purpose. It's a very happy occassion, but knowing that people "just get pregnant" seems, again, unfair. I want to be a mom. When will it be my time? Again, I know that it is not my timing that matters, I am living on God's timing. But sometimes I can't help but fear that maybe a child is not in His plan. I know that God can do anything, and I know that God has a plan, and I know that His plan is good. And, in most areas, I can turn my life over to His plan. The location of our next jobs, our financial state, our safety and our health - I turn that over willingly and pray that He shows us His will. But what if His will is for us to be childless? That thought crushes me.


Sigh. I'm going to check the blogs I read every day, hopefully to find some encouragement and motivation. And then it's to my lovely bedroom. I think one of my favorite things about my house is our bedroom. It's white. The walls are white. The sheets are white. It just feels clean. And that is so symbolic to me on days like today. Tomorrow I will wake up to a nice, clean, brand new day. With clean white sheets and clean white walls. And a hope that the day will be bright and shiny.

we will get along until we're old and gray

Okay, so here are the pics I promised...and more!
















These are from the pre-exam night festivities at Kent's last Thursday night. Nate is in the floor studying for his exam. Kent is preparing the amazing dessert. You'll see our glorious spread of bang!bang!shrimp!, salad, sweet potatoes, tomatoes and rolls. All was amazing. Just wanted to make sure Kent got big props for the wonderful meal! Thanks so much for letting us stay and babysitting the avenger this weekend.


We had a great Easter. Nathan, Zak, and I went to the church that my family grew up in. It was amazing how little had changed. It made me appreciate where I came from and also how I have grown. Good times.


Then we had Easter lunch at Mamaw Brewer's. Although I snacked some on homemade spinach dip while setting things up (really worth the points), I did very well food-wise at lunch. I don't remember everything I ate, but I do remember figuring up that I had 14 points on my plate and didn't even eat everything (mainly chicken salad, corn, a roll, a little turkey and a little dressing). I had no dessert. When we got back to Nate's mom's, I had 4 little chocolate eggs (like smaller than hershey kisses). Nate's dad had even more of my favorite chocolate eggs, where I grabbed a handful mindlessly. I had the first one in my mouth, mentally reviewed the reasons I want to be thin, and put the rest of them in Nate's hand. It felt like such a huge success. We didn't really have dinner since I'm not hungry yet. I think with my snacking pre-lunch and my Starbucks drink (I'm choosing not to quit them!), I'm right at points today. Yay!!


Tomorow is the beginning of Week 2 of the Beck Diet Solution. My task for today/tomorrow is to make a plan of what I will eat tomorrow and stick to it exactly. Since I took some liberties this weekend, I am only eating 25 points tomorrow instead of my usual 28. My lunch is huge to prepare me for not eating dinner until 6. This is what tomorrow will look like:


Breakfast (6 points):
Starbucks drink (4)
Banana (2)

Lunch (10 points):
Spinach, apples, oranges (2)
1/8 cup walnuts (2)
2 tbsp raspberry dressing (2)
turkey wrap (4)

Dinner (6 points):
Grilled tilapia (2)
grilled potatoes (4)
grilled tomatoes (0)

Snack (3 points):
Strawberries (1)
Fiber 1 Bar (2)

Exercise:
3 miles on treadmill

Nate is my diet coach, so he is going to be keeping me accountable. You are invited to do the same! I am excited about planning my meals out again. I know that and exercise is what helps me be successful.

Have a happy Monday!

just say you'll wait for me

Just a quick note to say that dinner at Shakertown was awesome. As was our service. Even though the special was a pork in apple cider sauce, I stuck with my initial plan to have the baked trout. It was a good thing too...the apple cider sauce was actually a very creamy cream sauce. I replaced my favorite creamy tomato soup for cucumbers in red wine vinegar for the appetizer. I did not have any cornbread. The main course was really good. The trout was exactly like I wanted, the green beans were fresh, and the baked peaches didn't appear to have a glaze or anything drippy on them. I did have three very small yeast rolls, which put together may have been the size of a usual dinner roll. I had no desire for dessert. Even when we talked about getting birthday ice cream with our friends. Even after we stopped at Walmart and bought Weight Watcher mini-cups of ice cream, I only ate about half of mine (1 point!) because my desire for sweets was quenched.

The most impressive thing was that I did not feel cheated. The bite I had of the pork was awesome (thanks Nate!), but keeping with my fish increased my confidence because I stuck with my plan. I did not finish my fish or my peaches, and that was fine. I ate until I was comfortably full. And the sense of satisfaction I left with was so much better than any meal I've ever eaten. I can do this. I can make healthy choices. I am making healthy choices.

So check out the responses to my posts...The lady who wrote the Beck Diet Solution actually commented on my last post! She made a great point. I do not want to give up my starbucks drink. I am making it work within my meal plan and points allowance. If I wanted to, I could. I've done it before, several times actually. I'm just not willing to let go of it right now. I don't know why I make such a big deal of it in my head anyway. I guess at times I think there is something wrong with being "addicted" to caffeine. I do get the headaches when I stop. But lost of people drink pop/soda/coke. Atleast my beverage of choice has 20% of my calcium needs!

I am seriously loving the book, though. It's changing my thinking in such a powerful way. And I so appreciate her feedback. It's crazy that people I don't know read my blog. And crazy that people that I do know read my blog. I never thought my blog would take off like this - I never thought it would have such an impact on me. I feel like I am accountable (in a good way) to each of you. Knowing that you believe in my helps me believe in myself.

In case I am not blogging the next few days (the whole out of town thing), don't forget about me! Have a happy happy Easter!

running to stand still

I've made a decision that pains me greatly. Partially because I am in pain. I have decided to put off this running thing for 25 pounds. I ran at the park in Danville today, and had a lot of difficulty. I made the first half of the runs with relative ease. I was feeling really good. But then I started to lose feeling in my left foot, but I ran through it. Then I got an impressive cramp in the left leg. That's been two hours ago, and the cramp is still there. I think I need to take this slow. And I know I could run on a treadmill, but that's not what I want. I want to be outside. And if walking is what I can do outside, then walking is what I will do. Due to spending an outrageous amount of money on my "running" shoes, I am putting them away until I am in in fact running. See you soon, my beautiful Saucony ProGrid Triumph 4s!

My plan is to walk a lot, as often as I can, and improve the muscle tone in my legs. Hopefully that will go along with losing weight. I am sure that I will be a runner when I have less of myself to carry around. I am aiming to be running again by our anniversary, July 19. I think it is feasible to lose 25 pounds in that amount of time.

Especially considering the way I have been eating today. I really wish I would have taken food pictures today. I have done so well! I started the day with a Starbucks drink for breakfast. (It's Monday and I didn't want to resist, and I counted it.) Lunch was a peanut butter and banana sandwich and applesauce. I had a mini york patty as a snack. For dinner I had 2 eggbeaters and 1/4 cup 2% cheese in this flatbread stuff (that has a ton of fiber and is really good) and some grape tomatoes. I just had a bowl of Wheat Chex to round out my day. I feel really good about it. But, man, is my left knee-and-below unhappy.

Tomorrow is going to be a great food day. Starting the day with banana and peanut butter wrapped in the flatbread. I'm getting ready to make chicken salad (yummm!) that I'll eat on a bed of spinach. Dinner is still up in the air, but we've got fish here if we decide to cook. I'm very excited. I love the way it feels when I can control my life to the point of being able to control my food choices. I'm a little nervous about being at Nate's Mom's this weekend, but if I need to I can go to the store when we get there. It'll be fine. I just have to think about the running shoes that await me!

I am still reading Judith Beck's The Beck Diet Solution. At this point, I am absolutely loving it. I am too cautious to report that it is life shattering until I work the program for a while. What I really like about it is that it works with any diet, and she is a real therapist who just tweaks the skills we are taught to make them apply to losing weight. I am really enjoying it so far, and am starting to see a change in my thinking. I'll keep you updated as I stick with it.

I just feel so much better than yesterday. Even with the running postponement.

Time to make chicken salad! Have a great night and tomorrow!

everything in it's right place

We're going back to Kansas! In June, Nathan and I are meeting Mom and Dad to visit Zak in Lawrence! I got plane tickets yesterday. Nathan and I have never flown together before, so I am very excited!

A few updates. I did not go to Weight Watchers yesterday. After looking at my schedule, it's just not realistic right now to expect that I'd be able to get off work 30 minutes early once a week. But my plan is to drive into Lexington in the morning for a meeting. I figure that I can handle Saturday mornings, or when we go home do a different morning during the week. And then when we switch to summer hours, I'll be able to go to the Thursday evening meetings with Courtney and Katie.

I got The Beck Diet Solution in the mail today, and I think I'm going to really enjoy it. The author wrote several of my grad school textbooks, so she's not a quack or a diet guru, she's a therapist in a school of therapy that I respect and believe in. It's a 42 day program, and today was day 1 (I think it may also be day 2 and day 3, based on things I have read). So far, though, I have only done the homework for day 1. Today I am supposed to identify reasons I want to be thin. And it works like my mindset when I started this blog. I am just identifying who I want to be and then practicing until I become that person. So the advantages to being thin are as follows:

1. I will be healthier.
2. Nathan will be proud of me.
3. It will be easier for us to get pregnant.
4. I will have fewer skin issues (as a byproduct of eating better, not being thin itself).
5. I will feel more in control.
6. I will feel that I accomplished something.
7. I will be able to be more physically active.
8. I will be able to choose clothes that look good, not clothes that just fit.
9. I will be able to listen to music when I run.
10. I will look better.
11. I will like myself more.
12. I will be less self-critical.
13. I will feel better about my body.
14. I will feel better in my body.
15. I will be a positive influence on others.
16. I will care for the body God has given me.

That's where I am today. I am going to check out day 2 and possibly day 3 before I go to bed. I'm not trying to rush things, but I think the therapist in me has a pretty good handle on all the cognitive behavioral stuff she's introducing in the first few days. I am excited. I feel like I have found a real resource in this book.

I downloaded a sermon today that I'm really excited to listen to. Mars Hill (the one in Grand Rapids this time) puts the occassional podcast on iTunes that looks at the spiritual implications in movies (past movies including X-Men 3 and others that I haven't seen). The most recent one? Talledega Nights. I'm going to listen to it when I do dishes later. I'll let you know.

We watched Charlie and the Chocolate Factory at work today with the kids (gotta love Fun Day!). I have seen the movie so many times, but didn't realize that I'd be able to lead a very productive group about the movie. The dangers of being greedy, gluttonous, uber-competitive and television-addicted are presented in a funny but meaningful way. So is the importance of family. Definitely a movie to check out for morals and the beauty that is Johnny Depp.

Nate's birthday is next week and he doesn't know what he wants. And, for once, I have no idea either. Anyone able to help? Ideas for a red-headed, mandolin-playing, librarian-to-be? Please?

Wish me luck as I weigh in tomorrow morning!

whatever you do, don't put the blame on you

binge: a period or bout, usually brief, of excessive indulgence, as in eating, drinking alcoholic beverages, etc.; spree.

Does a cookie, brownie, chess square at lunch and four small pieces of pizza and two small pieces of dessert pizza count as a binge? (They really were small, from Giovanni's pizza buffet). If so, consider me binged.

I am so frustrated. All it took was a Lofthouse cookie (which I only at 3/4 of) and I was off. All good habits were out the window. It is a combination of still losing miniscule weight and the fact that sugar tastes so stinking good. I was amazed at how I crashed from my sugar high. About an hour after my sugar rampage, I was incredibly tired and sleepy, and stayed that way until I went to bed an hour earlier than usual.

But, of course, I do see growth. I stopped eating after the pizza attack. I did not continue to snack when I got home. No cereal, yogurt, fruit, triscuits, nothing. And today I feel okay. I'm not discouraged enough to quit. I am living in the gray area. I know there will be good days and bad days. I have not and I will not give up.

And this "binge" is still better than my eating habits of 2 months ago. It's back to my original goal of this blog: to respect my body and write down everything that I ate. Respecting my body means loving myself even if my weight does not respond. And I wrote everything down, or at least I acknowledged the bad here. Did I mention that my chicken salad was a total hit at the potluck? Other than the sugar, I had a chicken salad pita and grape tomatoes at the luncheon. I avoided the potato wedges and fried chicken fingers. That's success, eh?

I think I am going to go to Weight Watchers this Thursday night with Courtney and Katie. It's going to be difficult because they have little to lose, but that's okay. I need someone (hopefully a leader) that I can identify with, and I'm willing to give this a shot. Last time I did Weight Watchers I lost 49 pounds. I can do it again. Or get healthy trying.

I ordered two books from Amazon that I hope will keep my motivated. One is by a real psychologist, and I think it will help me. The other I don't even remember, I just wanted super saver shipping. But it's diet related too.

I got my new wardrobe from Old Navy and started trying it out yesterday. I love dressing in the summer. I just feel so cute in skirts and tees and flip flops. Today, though, there is rain. So I'm wearing gray and blue with these cute little flats that were made for winter but are too cold for winter. They are really cute shoes, and they work with my outfit.

The title is a lyric flashback related to the weather. Anyone know the reference? Anyone?

Gotta go before my bathwater gets cold. I'm off to work for a short day! I'm off at 5 instead of 6 (but I'm going in at 9, so it's the same length, just finishing earlier.) So have a great Wednesday!