Wednesday, April 18, 2007

I will not take my love away

I have eaten almost out of control this evening. I do not know what my problem is. It started with work being totally crazy. The kids were out of control and I didn't handle it very well. So we went to the Fudgery. I had a grilled cheese sandwich and a scoop of ice cream. Then I came home. Sat around for a while and had an orange. Then a peppermint patty. Then another. Then a bowl of cereal. I stopped at that, though.

I think a part of my perceived powerlessness is related to my feelings of still not having a car. It's still in the shop. They got the brakes fixed today and were going to drive it around to try to diagnose the not starting/dying issue. I hope it doesn't cost a fortune. It probably will. I hate having to depend on people to pick me up for work and bring me home. I just hate it. There is a meeting tomorrow in an office I can walk to, so I'm thinking about walking there and hitching a ride to my primary office from there. Ugh.

I was on the Weight Watchers webboards tonight, and ran across a discussion entitled, "Ever look back at how you got fat?" Wow. Really, I don't think I have. I know it was mindless eating, and denial about my true size, that got me to this weight in the first place. But then, through a lot of hard work, I managed to find this person inside of all that blubber. (That's me on the far right.)

But then,

life happened.

Nothing major, not catastrophies. Just life and lazy. We got married. I went back to grad school. We bought a house (and put a lot of work into it). Life just happened. And over the couse of three years, the body that I had fought so hard to lose found me again. There was no medical emergency, no babies, no extreme stress to blame it on. There is no dramatic story to evoke sympathy or reason to feel sorry for me. There are only 2 reasons my fat found me: I love food and I am just lazy. (This is me, Nate, and bro Zak on Easter morning a few weekends ago.)

So that's where I am. Trying so hard to find it within myself to find myself again. I know there is a healthy person inside me, it's just going to take a lot of hard work to find her again. Who do I want to be? I know I do not want to be in the body I have today. I read a quote a few days ago that has stuck with me (I maybe repeating myself).

God loves the person I am today, but He loves me too much to let me stay this way.

I just hope I can find that love within myself.


metamorphose said...

I have faith in you that you can. I also think you're beautiful.

That sucks not having a car -it can really ruin one's day.

Aimee said...

You'll find your way back. We all have extra stress and we all have days where we eat, and eat, and eat some more. You aren't alone. It's a process; we learn along the way. :)