Tuesday, April 10, 2007

seems like I should be getting somewhere...

It's generally been a bear of a day. I got up this morning with a sense of life being unfair. I know that's not the way to start the day. I felt hungry when I got up. Really hungry. It was hard to wait until after I got ready for work to eat. As I was getting ready, I became very upset that my clothes are not miraculously getting more loose. I mean, I've been working my tail off, counting point after point, not eating crap, generally being "good," and I'm still not anywhere near asthetically pleasing. And this made me very unhappy. Then, I ate my breakfast (banana and Starbucks) and was still hungry. So I spent most of the morning feeling like this:

(This is a picture of my beautiful Scully, not in her most umm... lady-like position. Okay, so today I felt fat, not trampish.)

All things considered, I did very well with lunch. The Sweet and Sour Chicken frozen meal from Kashi is very highly recommended. It was so good. I had a big pile of broccoli to go with it. And I ate a little too much. I got up from the table and felt stuffed. On broccoli! I would not allow myself to feel guilty for being stuffed with broccoli! I snacked on a Fiber 1 bar in the afternoon. I didn't feel like cooking (the pity party continued), so we went to the Fudgery. I did well, peanut butter/banana sandwich. I counted on the high side...there was more peanut butter than I would put on it if I were making it at home. I had a bite of Nate's ice cream and then I had popcorn during American Idol. So the plan wasn't followed exactly, but I stayed within my points. And, on a totally unmotivated day like today, that is a huge success.

Tomorrow I am making lasagna based on spinach artichoke dip. I'm hoping it's good. If it turns out well, I'll post the recipe and pic tomorrow. If I don't, assume it was a huge embarrassing failure.

No gym today. I just wasn't feeling it. I know that I have to exercise if I want to lose weight. I know that. But I just could not make myself go.

It just doesn't make sense to me. I have literally cut my caloric intake in half. Literally. Other than my morning Starbucks indulgence, I'm almost junk-food free. All this and a .6 pound loss. All I know is that I am really hoping for a good loss on Saturday. If not, I don't know how I'll stay motivated.

I'm like 10 days into this, and already my resolve is weakening. How can I expect to do this for the rest of my life? I watched this video on YouTube (which I know I favoritized but now I can't find) and the girl says that 95-98% of all people who lose more than x number of pounds (it's big, but I don't remember what...70-80 ish) gain it back plus more within the next 3 years. And I'm almost that statistic. I lost 46 pounds. 46!! And 51 pounds found me.

I know what I'm supposed to tell myself, thanks to the Beck Diet Solution. This is negative self-talk. I know that I'm supposed to tell myself that I can think like a thin person, I just have to train myself to do so. I have to practice the skills of craving resistance and hunger tolerance and I just have to give myself no choice but to follow my plan and to exercise. But can I do this for the rest of my life? Yes. YES. Y-E-S!

You know what. Screw statistics. YES I CAN! I love the feeling of passing up dessert. I love the feeling when I leave the gym. I love not having to pour myself into clothing. I will practice the skills I am learning and they will become habit. And then I will be a runner, and I will be comfortable in my skin, and I will be the person God wants me to be. I came across a quote the other day that I love. God loves the person I am today, but He loves me too much to let me stay this way. I know that I am living in a way that is displeasing to Him, I just hope that a healhier lifestyle and less fatness go together.

Another reason for my grumpiness: a friend of mine's sister is pregnant. Not on purpose. It's a very happy occassion, but knowing that people "just get pregnant" seems, again, unfair. I want to be a mom. When will it be my time? Again, I know that it is not my timing that matters, I am living on God's timing. But sometimes I can't help but fear that maybe a child is not in His plan. I know that God can do anything, and I know that God has a plan, and I know that His plan is good. And, in most areas, I can turn my life over to His plan. The location of our next jobs, our financial state, our safety and our health - I turn that over willingly and pray that He shows us His will. But what if His will is for us to be childless? That thought crushes me.

Sigh. I'm going to check the blogs I read every day, hopefully to find some encouragement and motivation. And then it's to my lovely bedroom. I think one of my favorite things about my house is our bedroom. It's white. The walls are white. The sheets are white. It just feels clean. And that is so symbolic to me on days like today. Tomorrow I will wake up to a nice, clean, brand new day. With clean white sheets and clean white walls. And a hope that the day will be bright and shiny.


Mindy said...

LOVE the picture of Scully!