let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink

Today is a good day. Started my morning with Weight Watchers. Yes, I went. I was nervous to weigh, but I'm down 8 pounds from what the doctor's scale said on March 6. That's a good feeling and such a good way to start things off! And I'm only 5 pounds over the weight I was when I first started WW in March of '03 (for the wedding). As "bad" as I've been the last few years, I am very proud of that as well.

I went to Panera and got an IC Mocha as my last horrah. I barely drank half. Then I went to Joseph Beth and bought a Vera Bradly binder for all my WW stuff. (I LOVE Vera Bradley!) I tend to intellectualize WW and enjoy writing down and counting and planning, and saving my old plans for when things feel stale and un-fun. I feel like I've got all my ducks in a row, and now I just get to watch them shrink!

As of right now, it's a beautiful day. Nate and I are going to go to Millennium Park later to walk the trail. Then tomorrow (April 1 as promised) I will be a runner!

I made a playlist with all the songs I've used for blog title lyrics, and it's pretty stinkin' good.

My day was made by my new blogging friend. She did a gratitude list today, and I thought I would do the same.

1. I am thankful to have a God and Savior that knows my faults and my shortcomings and loves me anyway.
2. I am thankful to have a husband who is proud of me and puts up with my incessant questioning ("Why do you love me so much today?" "Do you have anything to tell me?") that comes from the therapist in me.
3. I am thankful that I know there is a plan for my life, whether that be Kentucky or Kansas or North Carolina or Oregon or Maine or the Bahamas (hey, a girl can dream!).
4. I am thankful that I have the motivation to change my life and take charge of my health.
5. I am thankful for Old Navy skirts and gauchos.
6. I am thankful for healthy chicken salad.
7. I am thankful for sunshine.
8. I am thankful for ice water in my favorite Full Moon Cafe glass.
9. I am thankful for sermons on podcasts.
10. I am thankful for flip flops and crocs.

How 'bout you?

I am going to learn how to use Weight Watchers online e-tools now. Drop me a comment!

everything in it's right place

We're going back to Kansas! In June, Nathan and I are meeting Mom and Dad to visit Zak in Lawrence! I got plane tickets yesterday. Nathan and I have never flown together before, so I am very excited!

A few updates. I did not go to Weight Watchers yesterday. After looking at my schedule, it's just not realistic right now to expect that I'd be able to get off work 30 minutes early once a week. But my plan is to drive into Lexington in the morning for a meeting. I figure that I can handle Saturday mornings, or when we go home do a different morning during the week. And then when we switch to summer hours, I'll be able to go to the Thursday evening meetings with Courtney and Katie.

I got The Beck Diet Solution in the mail today, and I think I'm going to really enjoy it. The author wrote several of my grad school textbooks, so she's not a quack or a diet guru, she's a therapist in a school of therapy that I respect and believe in. It's a 42 day program, and today was day 1 (I think it may also be day 2 and day 3, based on things I have read). So far, though, I have only done the homework for day 1. Today I am supposed to identify reasons I want to be thin. And it works like my mindset when I started this blog. I am just identifying who I want to be and then practicing until I become that person. So the advantages to being thin are as follows:

1. I will be healthier.
2. Nathan will be proud of me.
3. It will be easier for us to get pregnant.
4. I will have fewer skin issues (as a byproduct of eating better, not being thin itself).
5. I will feel more in control.
6. I will feel that I accomplished something.
7. I will be able to be more physically active.
8. I will be able to choose clothes that look good, not clothes that just fit.
9. I will be able to listen to music when I run.
10. I will look better.
11. I will like myself more.
12. I will be less self-critical.
13. I will feel better about my body.
14. I will feel better in my body.
15. I will be a positive influence on others.
16. I will care for the body God has given me.

That's where I am today. I am going to check out day 2 and possibly day 3 before I go to bed. I'm not trying to rush things, but I think the therapist in me has a pretty good handle on all the cognitive behavioral stuff she's introducing in the first few days. I am excited. I feel like I have found a real resource in this book.

I downloaded a sermon today that I'm really excited to listen to. Mars Hill (the one in Grand Rapids this time) puts the occassional podcast on iTunes that looks at the spiritual implications in movies (past movies including X-Men 3 and others that I haven't seen). The most recent one? Talledega Nights. I'm going to listen to it when I do dishes later. I'll let you know.

We watched Charlie and the Chocolate Factory at work today with the kids (gotta love Fun Day!). I have seen the movie so many times, but didn't realize that I'd be able to lead a very productive group about the movie. The dangers of being greedy, gluttonous, uber-competitive and television-addicted are presented in a funny but meaningful way. So is the importance of family. Definitely a movie to check out for morals and the beauty that is Johnny Depp.

Nate's birthday is next week and he doesn't know what he wants. And, for once, I have no idea either. Anyone able to help? Ideas for a red-headed, mandolin-playing, librarian-to-be? Please?

Wish me luck as I weigh in tomorrow morning!

whatever words I say

Today was a day. Eating still not back on track. No gym. Just kinda blah. I have decided to go to Weight Watchers (for sure) tomorrow evening. It's not going to be pretty, but I'm going to go.

Not a good night for reality tv. My second favorite dude was voted off American Idol. Chris had some trouble with an odd beat, so what? At least he isn't a talentless mohawk-wearing freak. (That's not just my opinion, seriously Sanjaya sucks.) And one of my favorites was voted off America's Next Top Model. Granted, she didn't have a ton of talent (like I know what to look for in a model) but she was kind and personable. And aren't those the characteristics that should win a modeling competition? Seriously. Speaking of "seriously," I found out today that Grey's is going to be reruns for the next month. AND there's talk about cancelling How I Met Your Mother. (Click here to sign the online petition to renew it.) Why do I even bother watching television anymore??

I had a rough day at work today. Co-worker questioning my methods for teaching kids about healthy foods. I'm leading a nutrition group and said that there is no such thing as a "bad food." I said that we need to be responsible and eat unhealthy foods in moderation. And somehow it's thought that the kids are going to hear that I'm saying eat whatever you want. I'm not out to create a group of eating-disordered kids who see food choices as a moral dilemma and base their self-worth on what they do and do not eat. Maybe I'm bringing too many of my own issues with food to group, but I see an opportunity to educate kids. And that's my goal, to educate. Not to judge or bully or scare them into eating healthy. I choose the educational, motivational, and inspirational approach.

Yeah.

I had a crazy dream last night that the sewers in New York were backed up and somehow this was causing sludge to come out of our sinks. But my friend Courtney was dressed like the Gordon's Fisherman with big kitchen gloves to "save the day!" It was really funny. I don't know what that means.

So here's my plan. I'm working on my list of reasons I want to be healthy, the things I want to be able to do, the things I want to accomplish, etc. I'm sure I'll share it in bits and pieces. I'm starting to run again on April 1. I'm joining Weight Watchers tomorrow with Courtney and Katie. (Katie, who I've only met a few times, gives me the feeling that I'm supposed to be her friend, like I've known her forever. Maybe there's a reason for that.) I'm still writing down everything I eat, the good the bad and the ugly.

I need to pray more. I'm still somewhat resistant. I'm really listening to sermon podcasts and really drinking it up. But I think I'm keeping things on an intellectual level. I'm praying for others- my friends and family who are getting married, the people in our church that are ill, my family- but I'm having trouble praying for me and my struggles. And maybe that's because I'm afraid I'll get answers that I won't like, or I'll learn something I don't want to know, or I'll be convicted of something I don't want to change.

Have I mentioned that I have control issues? I don't like to ride horses (or bicycles really) 'cause I don't like feeling out of control. I don't like to carry cash because I have more control on a debit card. I don't particularly like swings or rollercoasters (anymore) or (to some degree) new relationships because I don't like the lack of control or vulnerability. And I'm resistant to ask for help because I want to fix it myself and get the results that I want. I just fear that I'm close to something I don't want to hear. So I'm not listening. I'm praying, I'm reading, I'm learning, but I won't let myself listen.

As I've sat with my hands in my hair (and a not-so-cute spiky mess as a result), all that keeps running through my head is the chorus of an old Blues Traveler song:

Just wait, just wait, just wait - it will come.

I went and found the lyrics for the entire song. (You can can read them here.) It's funny how I haven't heard a song in probably 10 years (my brother Nick had the cd) and I haven't thought about it in almost that long. And it comes from the blue and makes me feel better. I guess all I can say is that I'm trying to listen.

Now I'm really exhausted, and I'm going to bed.

whatever you do, don't put the blame on you

binge: a period or bout, usually brief, of excessive indulgence, as in eating, drinking alcoholic beverages, etc.; spree.

Does a cookie, brownie, chess square at lunch and four small pieces of pizza and two small pieces of dessert pizza count as a binge? (They really were small, from Giovanni's pizza buffet). If so, consider me binged.

I am so frustrated. All it took was a Lofthouse cookie (which I only at 3/4 of) and I was off. All good habits were out the window. It is a combination of still losing miniscule weight and the fact that sugar tastes so stinking good. I was amazed at how I crashed from my sugar high. About an hour after my sugar rampage, I was incredibly tired and sleepy, and stayed that way until I went to bed an hour earlier than usual.

But, of course, I do see growth. I stopped eating after the pizza attack. I did not continue to snack when I got home. No cereal, yogurt, fruit, triscuits, nothing. And today I feel okay. I'm not discouraged enough to quit. I am living in the gray area. I know there will be good days and bad days. I have not and I will not give up.

And this "binge" is still better than my eating habits of 2 months ago. It's back to my original goal of this blog: to respect my body and write down everything that I ate. Respecting my body means loving myself even if my weight does not respond. And I wrote everything down, or at least I acknowledged the bad here. Did I mention that my chicken salad was a total hit at the potluck? Other than the sugar, I had a chicken salad pita and grape tomatoes at the luncheon. I avoided the potato wedges and fried chicken fingers. That's success, eh?

I think I am going to go to Weight Watchers this Thursday night with Courtney and Katie. It's going to be difficult because they have little to lose, but that's okay. I need someone (hopefully a leader) that I can identify with, and I'm willing to give this a shot. Last time I did Weight Watchers I lost 49 pounds. I can do it again. Or get healthy trying.

I ordered two books from Amazon that I hope will keep my motivated. One is by a real psychologist, and I think it will help me. The other I don't even remember, I just wanted super saver shipping. But it's diet related too.

I got my new wardrobe from Old Navy and started trying it out yesterday. I love dressing in the summer. I just feel so cute in skirts and tees and flip flops. Today, though, there is rain. So I'm wearing gray and blue with these cute little flats that were made for winter but are too cold for winter. They are really cute shoes, and they work with my outfit.

The title is a lyric flashback related to the weather. Anyone know the reference? Anyone?

Gotta go before my bathwater gets cold. I'm off to work for a short day! I'm off at 5 instead of 6 (but I'm going in at 9, so it's the same length, just finishing earlier.) So have a great Wednesday!

and I told him that right before he ran

I really have nothing exciting to say. I'm exhausted. I wanted to keep in the habit of posting.

We had spareribs that soaked in the crockpot all day in this raspberry sauce. Amazing. With a nice salad and corn on the cob. I bought the sauce in Kansas, so now we'll really have to go back.

I spent an hour making chicken salad for a potluck tomorrow. I love my chicken salad. More fruit than veggies. I'm looking forward to lunch already.

Nate and I took a great walk around our town tonight. It was 79 degrees at 8pm. And I got my new wardrobe in the mail from Old Navy today. So I'm tired, but very content.

I'm going to go to bed and listen to a sermon. I'll have insight tomorrow!

what you don't have you don't need it now

I thought I posted last night. I guess I just meant to. Kansas lost. So much for my bracket. I only attended one of the showers yesterday (so sorry Vanessa!). Nate's mom decided to stay here instead of driving back home, so I didn't go to Lexington. I also didn't take pics of my food intake, it was awkward around company. But I ate very well, resisting Lee's chicken and wedding shower cake. I did have a small pineapple sundae at Dairy Queen, emphasis on small and pineapple (not chocolate, caramel, oreo, etc.). So it was a good day.

Today started out a little harder. I've worked so hard the last week...eating well, exercising, just focusing on my health. And a whole week with miniscule difference on the scale (like .4 of a pound). So the scale is going away. Nate is hiding it. I have to keep remembering that I am changing my health patterns for that reason: my health. A sermon I listened to earlier in the year (a gluttony series from the Village Church in Texas) talked about using likeness to God as a yardstick for success. I need to evaluate myself not based on the mirror or the scale, but by how my actions line up with the path God has set for me.

Which leads right into my main reason for my post today. The sermon at church this morning was right at me. Mike preached on Matthew 4:8-11, the third temptation of Christ. Satan offered Jesus all that He would eventually gain but without the suffering and pain. Satan offered him a shortcut. So often, we are offered shortcuts that go against the plan God has set out for us. The shortcuts may be against God's law, or just going against the feeling I have of how He is directing me. I felt this directly hit my lack-of-baby issues. In an unexplainable way, I feel that I am being led against any medical help in getting pregnant. I need to be happy with the person God has made me, even if that is not being a mother. I need to have stronger faith and trust Him with my life - whether or not I am a mother now or ever, I am who He wants me to be. Sometimes I have trouble with this - what if the person I want to be is different that the person God wants me to be? I don't like that possiblity. I do not doubt His power, His love, but I want my plan. So for now, I just have to let go of my plan, have faith in His plan, and find peace in knowing that today I am exactly where He wants me to be. And trust that one day, I will be a mom.

As I'm working on it, Beautiful Day by U2 comes up on iTunes..."what you don't have you don't need it now...It's a beautiful day, don't let it get away." I have all I need. And I am thankful. I just need to work on being content.

And today it is spring. Nathan and I worked in the yard yesterday, we took 2 nice walks this weekend, and I just took pictures outside. Our spring trees are blooming! And we're grilling for dinner (shrimp and sweet potatoes! Thanks for the recipes, Kent!)So it's all good. Nathan has homework to do, so that is all the blogging I'll do today. Have a great Sunday night!

sail away with me to another world

Today has been really good. Got most of my housecleaning done, went on a nice walk with Nate, and ate really well today. I'm nervous about the (not one but) two wedding showers I have tomorrow. I want to keep doing well. I know how I am, and I tend to not do something if I can't do it all the way. And I feel like showers tomorrow leave me somewhat powerless. But I'm still a runner...I've been able to tolerate some gray area there...so I guess all hope isn't lost.


Nathan and I also looked at cars today. It's exciting that we are actually making plans to get a new car! I'll keep you posted on the search. Although we found the guy that we are buying from. We gave him our time frame, and he didn't try to push us. He also gave his card to me, not Nathan. Just seemed like a good guy.



My favorite thing about today was email theological discussions with Jen. Who ever thought that the waterfountain on the first day of kindergarten would make such a lasting impression. Thanks for your thoughts, Jen. Very much.



And Jen gave me a great quote today:


"If you want the rainbow, then I guess you gotta put up with the rain." ~Dolly Parton



Dolly sure knows what she's talking about.



Gotta finish cleaning my house and get ready for tomorrow's showers!

Grrr. I'm having trouble loading food pics, and I've got work to do, so no food pics today. (Waaa!)

to cover the tracks that I have left

So I'm posting yesterday's food diary today. I'm just a little late. Last night was kinda a bad night. More people we know getting pregnant, but not us. So instead of blogging, I went to bed and read my Oprah magazine. And today, ta-dah!!, I feel better. Part of that may be that I have today off. Very exciting. I've already put laundry away and put sheets in the washer. My plan for the rest of the day is this: have breakfast, clean the house some, shower, get hair cut, clean the house some more, go to the gym, shower, listen to a sermon, finish cleaning the house, watch Oprah, and then Nathan will be home! Oh, and Ill throw lunch in there somewhere too. I'm excited. It's gonna be a good day.
I have two wedding showers tomorrow. I sent gifts to Idaho for one of them (I don't want Vanessa to move!) and we haven't picked up a gift for Nate's brother yet. We'll get that done this evening.

And I'm pretty proud of my food diary from yesterday. Here goes!






Breakfast (and pm snack) consisted of the amazing choco-pumpkin muffins from Wednesday evening. So yummy. Lunch was a great roast beef pita, cracked pepper triscuits, and grapes. Oh, and two dark chocolate kisses. Courtney insisted they were okay because they are only one point each and have antioxidants. Dinner was spaghetti sauce on this strange organic pasta I bought in Kansas. I only ate half of the spaghetti there. My loving husband fulfilled his husbandly duty by finishing off my plate. The spinach is dressed with homemade balsamic viniagrette and romano cheese. And then evening snack as previously mentioned. I just love the picture of my sandwich. I need to take all my food photos on my desk.

I loved Grey's Anatomy last night. I'm still not happy with Izzie. I am just so glad that Christina and Burke are gonna be okay. I just don't know if I could watch through them falling apart again.

So I'm off to do my housework. Have a great Friday!

do you wanna take my picture?

As promised, here is my food diary for today. I think I did pretty well. I found that not wanting to take a picture deterred me from eating so many things. I would have done really well if it weren't for my ritualistic morning Starbucks drink. I'm thinking of cutting it out tomorrow. I'm also thinking of attending a Weight Watchers meeting at lunch tomorrow, if my schedule permits. But, on to our feature presentation.

Breakfast: Starbucks drink and oatmeal. Nothing too exciting there.

Lunch was wonderful. Nice spinach salad with apples, romano cheese, turkey, and raspberry dressing. I forgot the walnuts, or it would have been better. I snacked on the Wheat Thins through my work day, and I only ate half of the yogurt/grape nuts concoction.


Dinner was okay. I tried to recreate my favorite dish from Tapas in Lawrence...tomatoes with balsamic vinegar and cheese. Wasn't the same. Didn't eat a whole lot of it. But I did eat the Lean Cuisine pizza (newly preservative free!) and added strawberries (no pic) to make up for the tomatoes. Just imagine the plate holds a different red fruit.

I came across a recipe today for these chocolate pumpkin muffins that I just had to try (and they are amazing). So that added a late snack. I also bought new olive oil and cracked pepper Triscuits earlier and had to try two. But I did not eat the two in the pic...Nathan selflessly finished those for me. They just had to be in pictures!

I'm still trying to figure out how to get the layout to look the way I want. This is my first post with pics, so I think I did pretty well!

A few of reflections of food photograpy: I think I will keep doing this, but with much smaller pictures. Taking pictures kept me accountable in a way I hadn't imagined. I really spent more time preparing my food and making it look pretty when I knew I would be taking a picture. I used my new Very Bradley plates (just the two!) that I've had for a week or so and my favorite red bowl. I noticed I had part of the Italian Gnome in the dinner pic...he was a present from when our future sister-in-law went to film the Olympics. Maybe he'll have a recurring role. And my milk snack was in my Early Girl Eatery glass, a momento from still yet another amazing Asheville restaurant.

I went to the store today, so I have many exciting options for lunch tomorrow. We'll see what I come up with! I'll keep you updated on the Weight Watchers thing.

'Night all!

your mercy waited patiently

The ephipanies continue.

I listened to a sermon last night that blew my mind. I tried to explain it to Nathan after I listened, and I couldn't quite put it into words. I've thought all day today about how I would explain it here. I still don't know if I can do it, but I'll try. Here goes. Jesus came to earth and performed miracles. We tend to read about the miracles and only comprehend the physical aspects - the bread and the fishes, the dead now alive, the sight, the walking. I had never stopped and thought that what He has done for me is a miracle in the same way or sought to understand how His miracles apply to me. The old testament is about sin, exile, redemption, and returning home. When Jesus healed the paralyzed man, his story was a parallel. The paralyzed man was stuck in sin, was forgiven, and told to return home. In the same way, at times I have been stuck or paralyzed in sin. Just as Jesus performed a miracle when the man walked, Jesus performed a miracle when I stepped out of my cycle of bad choices and returned home. I think it is fascinating to examine Jesus' miracles and teachings as not only literal but also symbolic. And that concept is not something I have thought of applying to my life. My head is still spinning. And I know it is going to add a whole new dimension to my study of the Bible.

I've been reading a lot of blogs today...people trying to get healthy and forming communities in cyberspace to help each other. I'm really excited to see what other people are doing. I think I am going to join a group. I'll let you know how that goes...if they want me.

Where I was going with that...one of the challenges on one of the blogs is posting, in photographs, everything you eat in a day. So that's my plan for tomorrow. I'm going to photograph everything I eat and drink tomorrow and post it for all the world to see. I've been looking for a website to share my food choices with everyone (unsuccessfully so far), and I think this will be very interesting.

I didn't go to the gym today 'cause it was so nice outside and Nathan and I walked around the neighborhood. It was foggy and misty and just really beautiful. I felt like we were in a scary movie. But not really.

I'm going to listen to the next part of the sermon series (Mars Hill Bible Church - Jesus Wants to Save Christians II, for anyone who podcasts). Good night!

but not a real green dress...that's cruel!

Yikes. Not a good day for Krissie's NCAA bracket. 9 for 16 in the second round. So much for bragging rights. And I feel pretty unloyal...I cheered for Kansas today. Kentucky is going to strip me of my degree and the right to call myself a Wildcat. I don't go by "Wildcat" much anymore. Wait, I never did. Anyway, Nate's wearing his new Kansas shirt to work tomorrow just to ruffle feathers. Jayhawk feathers. I have Kansas winning it all. I hope they don't let me down.

Oh, did you know Tricia (Whitt) Halleck had a baby? Little Colten Ray. If I had a scanner or received the pic electronically I'd post it. But, alas, neither of those statements apply to me. He is so cute...looks like a miniature old man. Awww.

Nothing too exciting went on today. I cooked for the first time in several weeks. Beef and noodles. Yumm.

Oh, I never discussed Thursday's Greys. I LOVED it. I mean, George is a total tool, but I was seriously concerned about where the show was headed after the three-part mess. Last week totally redeemed the show. But if they mess up Cristina and Burke I will be very upset. I feel like they are the couple that has what it takes to make it because he understands and (usually) accepts her bizarreness. I just really want them to work. And I want George and Callie to work. But George and Izzie make that difficult...I guess I'll just have to wait until Thursday. I'm already dreading the season finale, whenever that is.

Tomorrow is running day. I'm very excited. I hope it will be warm enough for me to run outside when I get home from work. Yeah. Hello green running shoes! (Saucony Pro-Grid Triumph 4 for anyone interested.) Hello iPod running podcast! (Robert Ullery C25K for anyone interested.) Hello Rock Chalk Shamrock t-shirt! (Go Kansas!)

I listened to a few sermons (via podcasts) the last few days, and I am feeling much better, much less bitter. I wasn't bitter, just angry. Acceptance is a good place to be. Any of you looking for podcasts in iTunes, I strongly recommend Southland church in Lexington. Nate and I went to their college-aged service for a while before we moved. I like the preaching a lot. I feel convicted every time I listen to them. The sermon I listened to today talked about suicide and the sin involved. It gave me a lot of tools I can use as a therapist if I have a suidical client.

So I hope all of you enjoyed your weekend (I know I sure enjoyed Nathan after over a week apart!). I spent a lot of it searching for live covers. My prize finds for the day: Alicia Keys and Bono doing Don't Give Up (Peter Gabriel), Travis doing Hit Me Baby One More Time, and Rufus Wainwright and Ben Fold's Careless Whisper (WHAM!). Other favorites I've had and loved for a while: Ben Fold's Tiny Dancer (Elton John), Johnny Cash's One (U2) and Nickel Creek's Toxic (Brittney Spears).

Have a happy Monday! The weather will be beautiful...where I am anyway. What's this thing I heard about snow in Greenup yesterday?

And, to revive a Kansas conversation, do you say "running" or "runnin"? "Fishing" or "fishin"? "Finger" or "fanger"? Is it only relevant to us eastern Kentuckians? Let me know!

it's not easy being green

Happy St. Patrick's Day! I am plagued this morning by choices of clothing. As far as true kelly green, I have two shirt options, both possessing their own limitations. I could wear my "Shamrock Shuffle" t-shirt representing the race packet I picked up last night and the race that we slept through. Or I could wear my Kansas "Rockchalk Shamrock" shirt. Except Kansas plays Kentucky tomorrow, and I got enough dirty looks at a baby shower yesterday where I was the only KU fan in a sea of blue. (Who'da thunk a baby shower could have passed as a UK rally?) Maybe the best choice is just to be pinched.

Nathan is home! Nathan is home! Nathan is home! It was so nice just to lay around on the couch and watch basketball last night. It's after 10, and he's still in bed. Poor thing.

I am bound and determined to win our bracket poll at work. Strange because I know nothing and care little about basketball. Of the 7 first-round winners I missed, I only have 2 of them winning next games. So things could still go my way! There's a lunch at Clouds Country Cooking on the line. Oh, and of course, bragging rights.

So on this lovely St Paddy's Day, we are going to a Irish show at our local theater (The Ragged Edge) and expect it to be as exciting as last year's. I'm sure Nate has a lot of homework to catch up on before then, so I don't know what the rest of the day holds in store for me. Happy St Patrick's to all and to all a good...day.

burning up his fuse out here alone

I'm an unhappy camper. Haven't seen Nate since Friday am (and I don't really count that - I was asleep) and won't see him again until this Friday pm. I hate being a wussy, attached-at-the-hip wife, but that's what I am. I hate Atlanta 'cause he's there instead of here. (Insert mental picture of my sticking out my bottom lip and pouting.)

Today was quite possibly the hardest day of work I have ever had. The kids in group were just terrible. I cannot believe elementary kids can be so disrespectful. I understand that we are a product of the environment we are raised in, but come on. Do I look dumb? Then why do kids (KIDS????) call me that? And since today was rough, we're not having fun day tomorrow. The kids don't realize that it's unfair to us to. Us grown-ups need the Fun Fursday as much as they do. Grrrr.

Tonight we went out for my boss's birthday. We ate at our local Mexican joint, LaFonda. The balloons we brought in cued the staff that it was his birthday, so they brought out the dessert and the sombrero, and they really snuck up on him, grabbed his shoulders and made the ARRIBBA! noises. I thought he was going to crap his pants. We could have won America's Funniest Videos if we had it on tape. Bummer. But it was one of the funniest things I've seen in a while.

I hate to admit it, but I'm being honest. I've not been doing well with my relationship with God the past few weeks. I'm angry that I have a reason to be on medication (purposely vague!) and that I felt so nasty for seo many days. And that I had to hide my discomfort for work and trip purposes. I mean, why didn't I get sick when I had nothing to do? But I'm almost back to normal, but that doesn't mean I'll stay that way. It's kept me from running, from feeling like cooking, from feeling like doing anything but laying on the couch actually. And sometimes even that wasn't fun. I haven't listened to a sermon in a while, and have prayed very little except for before meals and the pleas for my medical condition to miraculously disappear. I just feel very disconnected right now. And kinda lacking the motivation to fix that just yet.

I am not running yet, but I am not lacking that motivation. With Nathan in Atlanta, Courtney is staying with me. And she is just so social! Pedicures, dinner out, playing with Maude the Pug, sitting at Steve's table forever talking about nothing...I'm just trying to enjoy the time I have with her. It's so rare that my main contact is with a girl. I love Nathan, I miss Nathan terribly, but I do love the pampering and the gossip and the reality tv. So I'm not running this week. We have the Shuffle on Saturday, and that will be my jump start. Back to my original post, I am a runner who had an illness. I am not someone who gave up on running. I am someone who respects my body, it's need to heal, and I will run again!

I am glad that people out there are reading and checking up on me. I miss you all.

It's time for me to brush my teeth, give Nate his goodnight phone call, and get some much needed rest. And look forward to the next two days! Tomorrow is a new Grey's Anatomy, and Friday Nate comes home! Who could ask for more?

it was good as good goes

Nathan will be home in three days! I am so excited! I cannot imagine how military families do it. Nathan and I apart for 8 days, and you'd think it was a year. I'm just not cut out for the single life.

But today was okay. Work was work. Then there was the pedicure and the Triple T sandwich from the Hub. That was awesome.

No running today. I chose to pamper my feet instead of pound them. With Courtney staying with me this week, I can't really imagine I'll run too much this week. And with the time change, it's close to impossible to think I'll run in the morning. Maybe Thursday...

There was a terrible incident today in our town with a teacher leaving her babies in the car in the school parking lot all day. I don't want to speculate, and I'll wait until the whole story is out to talk about it, but it makes me angry. People who leave kids in cars for 7 hours can have babies, but we're still childless. I just don't understand.

It's been a long day back to the real world. I'm taking my newly painted toenails to watch the rest of American Idol and then to bed.

God knows she loves me, Kentucky woman!

(I'll smack you in the mouth, I'm Neil Diamond!)

After a LONG drive today, I am back in Kentucky. I am slightly sad to be back. I really liked it in Kansas. Nathan is in Atlanta until Friday. I have to go to work tomorrow. All this makes me slightly unhappy. But I am home with my cats and Courtney is staying with me this week, so it's all good.

You know what else is good? Zak's roommate asked which one of us is older. I'll let you decide. (I can't get the picture posted in the post, so there's a new pic over there --> )

I love Lawrence, Kansas. It just feels like a place where I would be better able to be the me I am trying to be. It's a different world there. It seems like everyone is so much healthier. There are "fitness trails" all over the city. People are out running, walking their dogs, and biking everywhere. We went to the grocery store and people's buggies amazed me. I'm used to going to Krogers and seeing buggies full of pop, cookies, and chips. Not in Lawrence. Buggies held fruit, organic cereals, yogurt. The city is young, friendly, healthy, but a dozen hours from home. Zak is there, though, so I'd be closer to family than I am now!

We went to so many cool places. The University of Kansas has a beautiful campus and I might be a Rock Chalk Jayhawk fan! Mass Street reminds me of Asheville's downtown with less hippy-ish hippies. Legends is a great shopping area. KC,Mo has a great Farmer's Market and the Plaza had amazing shopping...Dad loved Williams Sonoma and I shopped at Tiffany's. Neither of us bought anything.

I was going to run tonight (I feel well today!) but I've been in the car ALL DAY and That 70's Show starts in 10 minutes. So I'll start tomorrow. I am so excited to get back to the gym! I'll give you a running update tomorrow.

pack my things...

Mom, Dad, and I had a great trip today and ended up in Kansas (the Sunflower State for those of you on the edge of you seat). I'm surprised Dad has any hearing - I could hear his iPod over the car radio. I found my true calling - I should have been a dj. I kept all three of us happy for the 9-ish hour trip. All it takes is James Taylor, Phil Collins, and a family-friendly playlist made for the Fudgery.

We had a great dinner with Zak at some Tapas place on Mass Street (as the locals call it). I felt guilty eating so well without Nathan. But I already have his gift picked out (I think.) There is so much shopping I'll get to do tomorrow!

With the time change and all, I am exhausted. Nighty night!

is it getting better...or do you feel the same?

You missed me! You really missed me! I don't post one day, and people notice. I feel so important. Almost as important as the day I worked in a different office for a few hours and my office-mates freaked out and almost called the police 'cause they thought I was missing...

My discovery over the past 2 days: some things are too personal to post. I have a condition and have sought medical attention. (That was purposely vague. Please don't ask). Hence the reason my running log has not been updated for a few days and I'm probably a week or so from running again. I am not dying, I am just uncomfortable. And I don't think I'm getting better. I am very very angry 'cause it seems like every time I get really into the running thing, it lasts a few weeks and I get sick or otherwise unable to run. Poo. And I'll probably have to re-download the podcast for the first running week since I deleted it. I never thought I'd use it again. Oh well.

But, never fear, I am still Kansas-bound! Mom will be here tomorrow night, then we pick up the rental, Dad in daVille, and we're off to The (I-don't-know-the-nickname-so-add-in-your-own) State!

Last night I finished the book Nate got me for Valentine's Day. Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell. Nathan noticed that I downloaded and listened to a lot of sermons from Bell's church, Mars Hill. It'n he swell? I'll just share a few of my reactions.

First, he states in the beginning to take the book with a grain of salt and not to accept what he says as absolute truth but to test it against your own faith. That being said, I have discarded parts of the book because I think they are gibberish, false, or not applicable. However, there are many aspects of the book that made me think and have challenged (and maybe changed) the way I view my life, my circumstances, and myself in God's eyes. So basically I've taken the parts I think are good, and tossed out the rest. No need to let the ideas I disagree with make me discard the ideas that I can use to help me understand myself and my God. (That's my disclaimer - If you read it, know I do not agree with everything he says.)

Bell states that being a Christian is more about celebrating mystery than understanding it. I think that's one of the places I fall short in my faith. I want to know why. I know Nate and I were brought away from home for a reason. Sometimes I find myself looking really hard for it. "Is this the kid I'm supposed to help?" "Is this the family God put me here to change?" I focus on my job being the reason I'm here, like the only influence I have on people is the families that I work with. I had never stopped to think that I should just celebrate where God has put us instead of trying to understand why. Maybe it is more because someone will touch me than that I will touch someone.

He also talks about the mystery of the Bible being alive, how the garden happens every day in our lives, how we can take the stories of things that happened so long ago and see ourselves in them. The stories in the Bible are our stories. The details may be different, but we fall short in the same ways. Sometimes I tend to think that the Bible is about people who lived a long time ago, who didn't understand overeating or laziness or wanting to sit in front of the television all night (America's Next Top Model was awesome tonight, by the way). But their stories are my story. And understanding that their struggles are my struggles will help me take what I read and apply the lessons to myself. Different details, but the same lessons. I really liked the "Alive Today" section in Chapter 2.

Just one more thing I'll mention about the book today (but there will be more to come!). Bell writes about how everyone has moments. The moments when we felt engulfed by something bigger than ourselves. Bell insists that people who are not Christians have the same moments in their lives, they just attribute the moments to other people or themselves or nothing in particular. The easiest way of sharing our faith is being able to point out to others that God is the source of our big life moments. God made the crystal clear, wide and shallow waters of Portsmouth Island. God made the chocolate and the eggs and the oven and the pan and gave me the gift to make an amazing chocolate cake. God is the source of the inexplicable peace I feel when I work with families in the midst of trama and grief. The presence of God is what made my wedding the most amazing day of my life and He is what keeps my marriage sacred and beautiful and peaceful. And God is in the not-so-big but equally exciting moments. For example, God created a plastic cup from a 2000 Cincinnati Reds game that is holding the best glass of ice water I could ask for.

So with that, I am off to bed. No running, but some reading. I hope I'll be able to figure out how to put pictures in the body of my post and show you some pictures from Kansas. I'll be there Friday - Monday, and Nate will be in Atlanta Monday - Friday. It's going to be so hard not seeing him for a week! It's the longest we've been apart. And with that big whine, I bid you good night.

Zak (the reason for my trip to Kansas) indicated that he knew the reason for the title of my blog - only a line from my favorite Alanis Morissette song, No Pressure Over Cappucino. Consider yourself shout-outed, bubby.

Oh, a another special shout-out for the person who identifies the song title of today's post title. It's the opening line from my favorite song EVER. (Nathan, you are not eligible. You just know me too well!) Nighty night!

3 is the magic number

No run today. Feel crummy. But I've ate well. That's an accomplishment. I'm hoping to be able to run tomorrow. I'm so surprised at how upset I am that I don't think it's (physically) a good idea to run today. My shoes look so lonely! Again, I'm starting to sound like a runner!

I am really surprised at my comfort level with knowing that people I know read this. I think it's strange how personal I can get and it feel so impersonal since I'm just typing. And I don't feel the need to censor myself either. Hmm. That being said, should I make some shout-outs? (Did I just say that? Holla!)

Jen - your email made me feel great. I read it like 20 times. The oldest friends are the best friends, right?

Zak - can't wait to see you on Friday! I'm bringing my shoes, my camera, and Scully. Just kidding. She would love to see you, though.

TK- Mmmmm...goat cheese. I felt guilty (a little) having it without you.

Nate - congrats on finishing the midterm! School is almost over! I love you!

Since nothing new to report today, and I love these kind of emails, I'll respond in my blog to a forward I got recently. Except the number of responses was 4, and I'm changing the number to 3 because three is my favorite number.

3 jobs I have had in my life

• mall jobs (Learningsmith and Discovery Channel Store)
• residental treatment for women in recovery for drug and alcohol abuse
• residental treatment for teenage mothers and their babies

3 movies I could watch over and over

• Tommy Boy
• O Brother Where Art Thou?
• A Christmas Story

3 places I have lived

• Wurtland
• the ghetto (Codell Drive, to be exact)
• a 1898 house in Harrodsburg, Kentucky

3 favorite tv shows (can you tell we don't have cable?)

• (as embarrassed as I am) Grey's Anatomy
• What About Brian
• (more embarrassment) America's Next Top Model

3 favorite tv shows in syndication

• That 70's Show
• King of Queens
• My Wife and Kids

3 places I have vacationed

• the Outer Banks
• Asheville, North Carolina
• Seattle, Washington

3 favorite foods

• chicken tacos with lots of sour cream
• lasagna
• sausage and lentil soup

3 favorite books

• Blue Like Jazz - Donald Miller
• Searching for God Knows What - Donald Miller
• The Time Traveler's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger

3 most-played songs in iTunes (a joint effort with Nate's contributions)

• The Raggle Taggle Gypsy - Chieftans and Nickelcreek
• Breathe Me - Sia
• Let Go - Frou Frou

3 restaurants I can't get enough of (they have been linked)

• The Fudgery (We LOVE Jen and Tim!)
• Table
• Rezaz

Do you have a 3? (Room service!) Share with me! (You want towel?) Leave a post! (You want me fluff pillow?) Don't hide from your feelings! (What kind of hotel is this?)

fish 'n chips

Fish and chips at the Pub! I decided to take Sundays off (training and eating well), so I had great fried fish and french fries. I am very impressed with the remainder of my "day off" choices. Egg beater pita for breakfast and a small bowl of Wheat Chex for dinner. So not a bad day.

I signed up for my first race! But it is mainly for the t-shirt...I won't be able to run 2 miles straight in two weeks. But the event welcomes you to "run, walk, or shuffle" and I plan on shuffling, doing my workout for that day at the event. Who wouldn't want a shirt from the Shamrock Shuffle? It'll be the day after Nate gets back from Atlanta, so it will be a fun way to spend a St Paddy's day morning.

It's interesting that I've got running shoes (two pair now) and recovery shoes (I love my crocs) and I am still obsessed with running shoes in stores. I guess that shows that I am enjoying this running thing!

Week 2 day 3 tomorrow! I can't wait!

iPod roulette

Today was a day. Lots of housework and cooking. But I ran today! I'm a runner!

Luke (Nate's brother) is getting married at our house in May. I am very excited about the planning. More on that to come.

In a week, I'll be in Kansas with my littlest brother! I am so excited to go see him!

But the lack of anything really interesting going on today (and my desire to continue my habit of daily posting) caused me to steal an idea I came across on another blog. I'm going to turn my iPod on, put it on shuffle, and laugh at the first 10 songs that come up.

#1 - An explanation of a Fiona Apple song from iTunes originals. That doesn't count. So I'm offering 11.

#2 - In Your Eyes - Peter Gabriel. How could one of my top 5 favorite songs be in my shuffle right out of the gate? Amazing. I think this is one of the greatest love songs ever, from one of the best love movies ever. (I'm not even going to tell you what it is...shame on you if you don't know.)

#3 - The Only Way Out - Chris Thile. This is from an instrumental cd. He is an amazing mandolin-ist (check out anything by Nickelcreek).

#4 - Pride and Joy - Stevie Ray Vaughan. So many years ago (was it really 8???), my friend Heath and I made an amazing mix called "the Make-Out cd." This song was the opener, and I love it.
She's my sweet little thing...she's my pride joy...You mess with her, you see a man getting mean.

#5 - My Skin - Natalie Merchant. No one can sing a sad song like Natalie. I can remember being sad and listening to this song over and over with headphones.
Is it dark enough? Can you see me? Do you want me? Can you reach me?

#6 - Work - Jars of Clay. Nate and I saw them in concert last fall, and they opened with this song. It's amazing. I can still see him jumping around. I love the cd of hymns...so inspirational and comforting.

#7 - No Rain - Blind Melon. This song takes me back to high school. I remember driving around in the Laser singing it. And who can forget the girl in the bee costume? I hate that he thinks that reading is a waste of his life...I love to read!

#8 - Dancing Nancies - Dave Matthews Band. Ahhh...the DMB that I love. I remember when I used to take this song very seriously. Could I have been anyone other than me? I remember when I used to hear the line, "23 and so tired of life" and wonder what I would feel like at 23. Now 23 seems like forever ago.

#9 - Round Here (live) - Counting Crows. This is just remarkable...another top 5 favorite song. I am obsessed with this song, again. I think the lyrics are just amazing, and the acoustic version is amazing. I fight tears at the end often. It's one of the songs where I just want to close my eyes through the whole song. I actually took the time to listen to the whole song before moving on (and sang along with headphones in my ears).
I walk in the air, between the rain, through myself and back again. Where? I don't know.

#10 - Tomorrow Morning - Jack Johnson. I think I wore out this cd when we first got it. We discovered Jack on our favorite radio station (the Sound) at the Outer Banks. This song is just a fun beach and driving song.

#11 - Trouble - Coldplay. Another cd I listened to over and over and over.
Oh no, I see a spiderweb that's tangled up with me. I lost my head, thought of all the stupid things I've said...I never meant to cause you trouble. I never meant to do you wrong. Oh, and if I ever caused you trouble...no, I never meant to do you harm.

I can only think of a few songs I really would have liked to hear more. I am impressed by how representative the 11 (of 791) are to my general music tastes.

Well that was fun. Now show me yours!

precious, you are

Yay shoes! Well, kinda. They were on the porch when I got up this morning. The pair I really wanted didn't fit...so I sold them to Courtney and ordered a smaller size. They should be here tomorrow. But the pink normal crocs are so comfy...especially after the gym. Ahhhh...

Speaking of gym, not a good experience. (Tangent alert.) I really like Mariska Hargitay (the Law and Order SVU lady). I just think she is georgeous, and pulled off the short hair amazingly well, and just had a baby, the list goes on. So she was on the cover of last month's Self magazine that I never bought or read. I walk by the coat cubbies at the gym, and there is the magazine! I get about half way through it, to the article about her, and find that it is ripped out. What kind of heartless person tears the cover story out of a magazine? Even though I am sure there were amazing tidbits of personal growth information in there, I did not read any more of the magazine.

But I had an awesome setlist for my bikeride, thanks to my Alanis Gym Playlist (Not the Doctor, UR, A Man, Everything, You Oughta Know, Unprodigal Daughter, Uninvited, Crazy). Mostly post-angry introspective Alanis. It is good that today is a "rest day" according to my running plan, and I went to the gym anyway. I went because I wanted to go, not because I ate a big bowl of chili and a few bites of Nathan's ice cream at the Fudgery. It's good to feel good.

And, with that, I am going to bed at 9:51 pm to read more of Rob Bell's Velvet Elvis. I am really enjoying it so far. Ephiphanies await!

hope for me yet

I am pretty impressed with my resolve to not pick on my body, and really impressed that I have generalized it to my spirit as well. I just finished yesterday's run. Just now. I just didn't feel like it yesterday. I was excited to run outside, but it was windy and colder than predicted, so we went out to eat and I just laid on the couch and watched 2 hours of America's Next Top Model. This is one of the times where before I would have quit and not ran again. I tend to have such extreme thinking, like if I didn't follow the running program to the letter, I wouldn't follow it at all. But I just ran today instead. Not a thought of quitting. Maybe that's because I've spent a fortune in running shoes and Nate would kill me if I quit. But whatever it is, it's working!

I won a spelling bee at work today. No big deal...my competition misspelled "genius."

The sermon I listened to yesterday talked about how we sing in order to be able to express our love to God in a way that speaking words can't do. That left me thinking about the songs I connect so much with my experience, My Savior's Love ("Let's sing #85 Papaw!"), In Christ Alone (preferably from Newsboy's Adoration cd), and so on. Today, in my car, I found a similar vibe from a song written as just a love song, that I have so often attached to Nathan. But today, I realized how much it speaks of God's love too.

If you could love someone like me, there's no end to the possibilities. Hopes and dreams push away the pain and regret. And loving you just lets me know there might be hope for me yet. (~Marc Broussard, Hope for me Yet)

In the times I wonder my worth, God knows. And who am I to question what God knows?

It's time for Wheat Chex, a shower, the Office, and a Grey's Anatomy repeat. And Nate home from class! And hopefully my crocs will get here soon...I know you're on the FedEx truck! Great night for me!