whatever words I say

Today was a day. Eating still not back on track. No gym. Just kinda blah. I have decided to go to Weight Watchers (for sure) tomorrow evening. It's not going to be pretty, but I'm going to go.

Not a good night for reality tv. My second favorite dude was voted off American Idol. Chris had some trouble with an odd beat, so what? At least he isn't a talentless mohawk-wearing freak. (That's not just my opinion, seriously Sanjaya sucks.) And one of my favorites was voted off America's Next Top Model. Granted, she didn't have a ton of talent (like I know what to look for in a model) but she was kind and personable. And aren't those the characteristics that should win a modeling competition? Seriously. Speaking of "seriously," I found out today that Grey's is going to be reruns for the next month. AND there's talk about cancelling How I Met Your Mother. (Click here to sign the online petition to renew it.) Why do I even bother watching television anymore??

I had a rough day at work today. Co-worker questioning my methods for teaching kids about healthy foods. I'm leading a nutrition group and said that there is no such thing as a "bad food." I said that we need to be responsible and eat unhealthy foods in moderation. And somehow it's thought that the kids are going to hear that I'm saying eat whatever you want. I'm not out to create a group of eating-disordered kids who see food choices as a moral dilemma and base their self-worth on what they do and do not eat. Maybe I'm bringing too many of my own issues with food to group, but I see an opportunity to educate kids. And that's my goal, to educate. Not to judge or bully or scare them into eating healthy. I choose the educational, motivational, and inspirational approach.

Yeah.

I had a crazy dream last night that the sewers in New York were backed up and somehow this was causing sludge to come out of our sinks. But my friend Courtney was dressed like the Gordon's Fisherman with big kitchen gloves to "save the day!" It was really funny. I don't know what that means.

So here's my plan. I'm working on my list of reasons I want to be healthy, the things I want to be able to do, the things I want to accomplish, etc. I'm sure I'll share it in bits and pieces. I'm starting to run again on April 1. I'm joining Weight Watchers tomorrow with Courtney and Katie. (Katie, who I've only met a few times, gives me the feeling that I'm supposed to be her friend, like I've known her forever. Maybe there's a reason for that.) I'm still writing down everything I eat, the good the bad and the ugly.

I need to pray more. I'm still somewhat resistant. I'm really listening to sermon podcasts and really drinking it up. But I think I'm keeping things on an intellectual level. I'm praying for others- my friends and family who are getting married, the people in our church that are ill, my family- but I'm having trouble praying for me and my struggles. And maybe that's because I'm afraid I'll get answers that I won't like, or I'll learn something I don't want to know, or I'll be convicted of something I don't want to change.

Have I mentioned that I have control issues? I don't like to ride horses (or bicycles really) 'cause I don't like feeling out of control. I don't like to carry cash because I have more control on a debit card. I don't particularly like swings or rollercoasters (anymore) or (to some degree) new relationships because I don't like the lack of control or vulnerability. And I'm resistant to ask for help because I want to fix it myself and get the results that I want. I just fear that I'm close to something I don't want to hear. So I'm not listening. I'm praying, I'm reading, I'm learning, but I won't let myself listen.

As I've sat with my hands in my hair (and a not-so-cute spiky mess as a result), all that keeps running through my head is the chorus of an old Blues Traveler song:

Just wait, just wait, just wait - it will come.

I went and found the lyrics for the entire song. (You can can read them here.) It's funny how I haven't heard a song in probably 10 years (my brother Nick had the cd) and I haven't thought about it in almost that long. And it comes from the blue and makes me feel better. I guess all I can say is that I'm trying to listen.

Now I'm really exhausted, and I'm going to bed.