kinda like Nashville with a tan

Happy Weigh Day!

Yeah, so I haven't really been 100% (barely 40%) on health task the last 2 weeks. And what happens? I'm down .2. So what would have the scale said if I had been on program? We'll see next week!Felicia posted over the weekend about what her blogging area looks like. I thought it was a very cool idea and decided to do the same. You should play too!

This is my Dr. Suess chair. We got it for Christmas and I love it. I feel like a little kid sitting in it. We have a desk downstairs, but we tend to use the computers on the main level.
And this is what I see from my chair! The computer, my glass of water (I have another beside me now), and the tv.
Let's see where you sit!

it was magic at first when they spoke without sound

I have made a conscious effort to avoid two things on this blog.

1) My occassional use of the eff-dash-dash-dash word.
2) Any 3-letter abbreviation. No offense to those of you who use them, I just can't pull them off.)

But, in honor of our trip to one of the whole foods stores, I only have one thing to say.

WTF?

You see this picture?

A can of beans, a can of artichokes, ball of mozzarella, almond butter, currants, cranberries, almonds, asparagus, sunflower seeds, goat cheese, tortellini, spinach, dressing, 3 apples, 7 bananas, cherry tomatoes, and 4 Clif bars? $103.92.

So we freak out a little on the way to the car. I mean, I got really angry. I composed this whole blog in my head about reasons poor people are fat and unhealthy.

Only when I got the receipt out to type the total here did I realize that there is a $40.20 charge called "shipping key." Yeah. So we were overcharged $40. That doesn't make it as bad, since I had figured $60 in my head while we were shopping. (I'm good at that! I get it from my mom.)

So a post I had originally started as a rant about whole food stores has ended up being a post to remind you to check your receipts. Preferably before you leave the parking lot. 'Cause now we've got to trek back across town.

Happy Sunday night. (There is a lot of sarcasm in that statement. But I'm staying away from any word that starts with F.)

standing in the sunlight laughing

I'm back!

Sorry if my absence the last few days has been worrisome. I don't know what got into me with my last post. I didn't stew in it very long, I just got busy.

Friday I went to work. I got home and we took a multi-hour nap. Watched a little tv, and went back to bed.

Yesterday we went to the bookstore, Target, the gym (go me! What Not to Wear was on!) and then to a surprise birthday party for Nate. It surprised me too! Pictures will come!

Thank you all so much for the support and encouragement! You all are wonderful!

'cause you're not anywhere that I can find you

Every day, I try to be more like Nathan. He is more patient than I am. He never gossips or says a negative word about anyone. He is very rarely in a bad mood, or rude, or angry.

He is not judgmental, he doesn't beat himself up, he doesn't look back at things he could have done differently. He just is. He is content and stable and even.

On days (weeks, months, whatever) when I am kicking myself, I see just how different we are.

He does not let numbers define him.

He has been really kicking serious butt since the first of the year. He is eating really well and going to the gym every day. Even days like today when I sit on my rear when he goes. He doesn't really know how far he runs. He has no desire to get on the scale to see how much weight he's lost - and that's my assumption that he knew what he weighed before we started.

But I am obsessed with numbers. And I really hate numbers. I just can't be happy with them.

I stopped wearing a watch because I was being ruled by it. I always wanted more time, or time to pass quicker.

I hate stepping on the scale (and haven't done it in almost 2 weeks ) because I dread the feeling when the number stares back at me. Even if I do really well and have a decent loss, that doesn't change the fact that the number is huge and at least 45 pounds over my lowest adult weight. I don't feel like I am deserving of the love Nathan gives me, and a large part of that is due to the fact that at one point in our marriage, I weighed 175. And now I'm not even close. And I attach all the frustration to the number that peers at me from the scale. And that number becomes who I am.

I hate looking in the checkbook 'cause it reminds me that when I don't medicate myself with food, I medicate myself with stuff. Yes, I did need a new bra, and my new professional clothes for work, and new makeup. But I tend to hoard receipts in my purse, afraid that if Nathan knew how much I spend, he might not love me anymore. I know that is utterly ridiculous, but it's how I am. I hate going to the grocery store without him 'cause I would hate to have to defend spending $75 on food. Although he reminds me everytime we go that he is eating at least half of it, and we have to eat, I feel like I am spending his money. I want to have better control over my spending, but I let the dollar amount that I spend define me. And, for totally unjustified reasons, I convince myself that that amount will somehow change Nathan's mind about me.

The numbers just keep kicking me. The number of minutes I exercise. It's never enough. And knowing that I can't reach the coveted 120 minutes today keeps me from exercising at all. The minutes/hours I watch tv each night remind me that I have a tendency to be lazy and sedentary. How many calories are in something. How many Starbucks drinks I drink in any given day (very rarely more than 2). The number of minutes it takes me to drive to work - and why it takes so flipping much more time to drive home. How many minutes it takes me to get ready in the morning. How many days it's been since I shaved (I think it's been 10 days - the night before my last weigh-in). I get obsessed with the number of hits or comments this blog gets. If it's down, I wonder if that's because people have given up on me, or if I am not interesting enough for people to want to read about.

I am stuck. Stuck. I am tired. And I have 5 loads of laundry to put away. I should get to work.

remember to always think twice

Brief thoughts:

• Thanks for the thoughts and prayers for my grandfather. He avoided pacemaker surgery, but he had exploratory surgery yesterday. It may be cancer, it may be infection - we won't know for a few days still. But he was in great spirits and hilarious with bathroom humor. It was great to see him. I also think that my grandmother has made peace with his health, and that makes me feel more okay with everything.
• Papaw's big request this weekend was for the grandkids to still have Easter dinner. As the oldest grandchild, and one of the only 3 granddaughters, that job fell to me. With one evening to plan and picky country eaters, we ended up with ham, green beans, baked beans (with lots of brown sugar) and macaroni and cheese. I realized that not only do I hate to eat like that, I hate to cook like that.
• Between Easter dinner and Nathan's mom's sweets, I decided not to weigh yesterday.
• I haven't been to the gym since last Tuesday. And I didn't go tonight. Even though Nathan did. He's actually there right now.
  
• We don't have a fridge yet at work - or at least that's the excuse I'm using for eating lunch out. I had a personal sized pizza today. Did I mention that I ate exactly half of it? I'll take any small victories where I can get them.
• I don't know what to do to get back to where I was when I was eating well and exercising and (surprise!) losing weight. I spend all day on my feet. All. day. I am so physically exhausted when I get home. And, as is, I get up at 6 so exercising in the morning is not an option for me. I'm not even motivated by television any more. Any brilliant ideas? I'll try anything!
  

and it's all for the love of thee

We went to church tonight. The music was beautiful. It was a beautiful sermon, asking us to try to imagine the scenes that occurred the last week of Jesus's life. It was such a moving sermon, helping me see Jesus as a person, and what people actually saw when they saw Him. Mr. Preacher Man showed several images to remind us the power of pictures.

This one breaks my heart. She wanted to sleep beside her husband one last time. She was playing his favorite songs. I cannot even imagine.I cried the remainder of the sermon. This picture so evoked my love for Nathan. We left church several hours ago, and I still don't think I could look him in the face without losing it again.

And I cried because grandfather is in the middle of a struggle with cancer. He is in the hospital and is having surgery again tomorrow. The fact that my mother is giving me limited information tells me that there is a lot I do not know. We are headed home in the morning, so I will get to see him tomorrow. I know my Papaw is a man of great faith. My heart breaks for my Mamaw. He is all she has ever known. I don't like to ask a lot of you guys, but I would appreciate any prayers you could send his way. I wanted to share a picture of them from my Mamaw's baptism.I hope you all have a wonderful Easter. I will be enjoying my family. I hope you do as well.

it's who you're with that really matters

All I have to say is that I have awesome people in my life.

Let me tell you why my husband is awesome. He totally rocked dinner tonight. (Check it out here.) He went to the store, and then he ran the grill. While at the store, he also decided to buy goodies for the food pantry at church. Did he get crap? No. He bought organic applesauce. He cares enough about little kids he doesn't know that he will buy them organic applesauce. Yes, I know I am the luckiest girl alive.

I also love my dear buddy, Kent, whose picture will not be posted today due to inappropriate text messages. Not only do I roll my eyes, but I keep the world from seeing you. (Ha!)

I love my blog buddies too! It is so strange how I know people that I have never seen. Tonight we were hosts to the lovely Sarah. It was so good to see you! I hope we didn't keep you out too late!

I know how incredibly blessed I am. We need to plan a trip to Ohio soon...

We are going home-home for the weekend (ie staying with parents), so I don't know what blogging will be like, but I'll be back on Monday at the latest!

Have a happy Easter!

a fruit picker who arrived here after the harvest

My hair is growing! I was actually able to use a straightener! I am thrilled!

However, I am not thrilled about the weather. How in the world does a forecast of mid-50's turn into 35 degrees? Where did spring go!

I am also excited to see Sarah tomorrow for dinner!

I have a new mission. I know I have a new mission every week (notice the mystery italics again!), but I'm ready to commit again!

Five years ago Monday (03.17.03), I started WW. I weighed 221.

When I got married on 07.19.03, I weighed 200. Even.

So for my 5th anniversary, I am going to be back at 200. Amen.

That means I have 4 months to lose 19.8 pounds. I am seriously thinking about bringing my wedding dress back from my Mom's this weekend and seeing how far it is from fitting.

My plan is simple: I am sticking to my "only 5 pronounceable ingredients" guns. I will record everything I eat in Sparkpeople. I will continue to photograph and post everything I eat. I am also going to exercise 5 days out of 7.

That's it. (And italics disappear again!) Sounds simple enough, eh?

lady in red

I've spent the last several minutes trying to post my food journal without success. But it should be up tomorrow!

So I weighed yesterday...at 219.8! Yay! That is my lowest weight in 2008 AND I am in the teens! I am very excited about that! I stayed mostly on plan last week, but had some challenges, mostly in the form of free lunches at work. Today I totally ignored the spread of donuts and bagels at training this morning. I did indulge slightly at lunch today. I got a cafeteria voucher only good for today, and there was nothing that looked good, so I ended up having a lot of salad with 3 chicken fingers and honey mustard dressing. I realize it wasn't a great choice, but I am going to the gym tonight. So I'll take it. It was a great flashback to my typical lunch from my college days.

I am really trying to eat better - more whole and healthy foods. I am REALLY trying to only eat foods with ingredients I can pronounce, with no more than 5 ingredients, and no "hydrogenated."

Thus, after grabbing my favorite condiment to put on my eggs tonight, I am in mourning.I have been a ketchup snob. My mother and I have an ongoing Heinz vs. Hunts battle (almost as epic as the under/over toilet paper debate). I L.O.V.E. ketchup. I do not know how to make that more clear. Heinz ketchup goes on everything.

But it has 7 ingredients, including high fructose corn syrup. I don't know a lot, but I'm pretty sure that's not good for me. And that really sucks.

So I am kissing my ketchup goodbye - for special occassions only. It's not like I eat a lot of things anymore that need ketchup. I don't even know the last time I had it. But it sure is good.

Maybe the Starbucks drink is next...

who'm I gonna cling to when the room spins

Today has been awesome.

Started with the African Children's Choir at church.

I ate well (check out my food journal blog) and I cooked dinner (recipe blog is new as well!) and now we're going to the gym!

That's all I have to say about that.

I'm not really ready for tomorrow to be Monday, but there's nothing I can do about it.

Tomorrow is weigh day! I gotta paint my toenails tonight to get ready!

places we've grown

I'll admit it. I've been feeling pretty crappy about myself lately. I think I went to the gym three times this week. I've eaten way too many mini Twix bars and little bags of M&Ms. I've eaten lunch at Chipotle twice.

But you know what? That DOES NOT take away from what I have accomplished this year.

I am - and will be - proud of what I have accomplished.

• I got a new job. A job that I like. I was unhappy where I was, and I did something about it.
• I have lost 17.8 pounds. I am only 1 pound up from my lowest 2008 weight, when I had the flu and was probably dehydrated.
• I have taken a picture of everything I have eaten. I have not posted them due to embarrassment, but I have continued to photograph every little thing I put into my mouth.
• I have gone to the gym 3 times in 5 days. That's nothing to sneeze at. I have learned that I can go longer if I go harder. If I keep my heart rate on the lower end, I get burnt out and bored. The harder I go, the longer I can go.
• Even when I have eaten out, I haven't thrown caution to the wind. Excluding the Bang Bang Shrimp at Bonefish last night, I have consistantly made the best food choices possible. (And I have eaten lunch out so much due to our trainers taking us out - and paying. I don't feel like I was at a point to duck out of lunches.)

Okay. So there's where I rock. And here's my plan of action.

• Today I am making a grocery list so we can go shopping after church tomorrow. I will cook each night and take lunch the next day. I think one week lunches with important people is enough of a commitment.
• I will figure out how to get myself to the gym. It may be by developing a schedule based around a television schedule and somehow getting myself excited about it. I may find some non-food reward for sticking to schedule. I need to get my calendar and stars back out. I'll figure out my system today.
• I will post my food pictures on Tryin' on a Brand New Dress. No reason not to, really. I'll email them to myself as soon as I take them so all I'll have to do is upload them there when I post here for the day.

I get down on myself sometimes 'cause I'm not doing this as perfectly as I was when I wasn't working, and then I remind myself that I wasn't working. I had time and energy to make my health my total focus and commitment. And, since then, I was out of town for 2 weeks, had the flu, and have started a very exhausting (for the time being) job.

I have not gone away. I'm just trying to figure out my new way.

I smell like I sound

I still have zero energy. I'm blaming it on the time change, or the walking around the hospital, or the 6am alarm clock. All I know is that when Nathan suggested going to the gym tonight, it took all I had not to cry. Instead, we are sitting here watching Indiana Jones and I am making a ringtone for my iPhone. ("Hungry Like the Wolf" for those of you who are curious.)

I hate being tired! I so want to go back to the gym. Tomorrow, I will. I promise.

no patience to search for peace of mind

Random thoughts for today:

• Our good friends, Denise and James, had a baby today! Welcome Kaya!
• Work is stressful, but I am managing. I am actually liking it.
• I got a personal-sized cheese pizza from the cafeteria for lunch. I ate half of it. Only half.
• We have a huge amount of candy in our office. I only had a miniature Twix and a few peanut m&ms. Much better than yesterday.
• I spent my entire shower this morning trying to figure out how I would tell my blog friends that I had decided to cut my hair. But I got two compliments from random strangers in elevators today, and then another from a friend at church. So Operation Hair-Grow-Out is still in effect.
• My black pants, purchased 2 weeks ago, are getting baggy. And they are clean, not just stretched out.
• I am still not eating particularly well, but portions are still pretty small. And, with the current hecticness of work, I think I am doing the best that I could do. (Can anyone tell me what keys I hit on my Mac to make it italic? And why it doesn't go away when I click on the italic i thing up there?)
• Have I told you all that I totally kicked butt at the gym last night? Well, I did.
• Are you guys as irritated as I am that they didn't show the results on Biggest Loser last night? I spent like 10 minutes today trying to recount who got voted off to a co-worker, totally irritated that I couldn't remember - just to realize that there was nothing to remember. I need closure.
• Okay. Now does anyone know why it un-italicized when I did nothing differently? Whatever.
• My body is not responding well to the time change. I am having a very hard time getting out of bed. So I'm going to bed at 9:30 to try to help that out.
  

whenever it's real

I am not hiding! I am just busy!

This is the first week that I am doing work - I've been training for what seems like forever. Since it is a brand new contract at the hospital, we've got a lot to do other than just work - setting up the work stations, figuring out the computer system, making nice with social workers, etc. That is making for long days. And when I get home and go to the gym, it doesn't leave a lot of time for blogging. But things will settle down I hope!

I have been making the best food decisions possible. Our bosses have been taking us out for lunch. I had a veggie burrito yesterday and a small slice of veggie lasagna for lunch today. I really couldn't have made much better choices. Really. I did have 2 mini Twixs today, but I avoided pastries for breakfast!!

I am still keeping up with y'all

you wish you could fly

I am very tired today.

But I am 221.2! Go me!

I'm not saying....I'm just saying

Today has been full of fun!

We went to church, and then out to lunch (where I had a veggie omlette). Then we went to the mall where I bought a fabulous green jacket (pictures will come) and an awesome black bag. Then we came home, had leftovers (apple butter pork chop and rice), and cleaned the house. Now it's time for the gym! That's why this will be brief.

I usually hate the time change - and I realize I'm only one day in - but I don't feel like crap yet.

Tomorrow is weigh day - as is every Monday - and I'm dreading it. I have gotten back on track, but it was a very difficult week. I am not looking back! Tonight I'm doing elliptical, and weights, and coming home to a clean house!

a bell to ring me to my knees

This is the view from our back deck. I know it's not a lot of snow, but when you don't get a lot, it doesn't take much to shut everything down.

Boo! The Punch Brothers concert we were going to tonight has been canceled! But, in reality, it is probably a good thing 'cause I think we would have killed ourselves trying to get there. The show was in Louisville (a little over an hour away), and they have about a foot of snow. So it's all for the best.

So our plan for an exciting day has been changed to a lazy day around here. We tried to go to Barnes and Noble for some coffee and browsing, but they closed at noon. So we are just gonna hang out here for a while, and walk to the gym later! I've got plenty to keep me busy - between putting laundry away, preparing for work on Monday, and some random cleaning that REALLY needs to be done, I think I'll be alright.

I love lazy Saturdays!

Be safe, all my Kentucky girls!

tonight's the night

Wanna see how I spent my evening?

This is a lovely salad of pork, tomatoes, corn, cukes, lettuce, and home-made buttermilk ranch.And then I spent an entire episode of What Not to Wear at the gym!
Thank y'all SO MUCH for your encouragement. Your warm words (and kicks in the butt) made me shut up and get up. I love you guys!!

We are having some crazy "thunder snow" and lightning! It's such a weird combination! We're supposed to drive about an hour for a Punch Brothers concert tomorrow night, and I'm so nervous that we won't be able to make it!

Everyone stay safe out there. See you tomorrow with more healthy things to brag about!

save me from myself

Yeah, so when you don't see me for a few days, it can only mean bad news. If something traumatic/dramatic is going on, know I'll stop by and tell y'all so you don't worry. But if I just go away, that means I am in denial and avoiding.

That's where I am today.

And I have nothing really to say for myself. I have laid on the couch while Nathan goes to the gym. I have had an increased number of Starbucks drinks. I have eaten bowls of cereal as late-night snacks.

And I just can't figure out how to get my life back together.

I'm guessing between green and grey

I.
Am.
Irritated.

I was gone for several weeks. Then I had the flu.

(TMI ALERT!)

Now I have butt issues. I am uncomfortable sitting, or moving, so there is no gym in my future tonight.

Did I mention that since I got home from work, I have eaten a sensible dinner, two bowls of cereal, a 2-point cupcake, and a Clif bar?

I WANT MY HEALTH BACK!!!

(But I LOVE my new job!)

place them in a box until a quieter time

I love March. Why you ask?

1. My oldest friend, Jenifer, hits the big 3-0 today. She can't call me old anymore! Happy Birthday Jen!

2. I weighed in this morning for a significant gain. 222.8. I am okay with this. I know that I ate pizza last night and I only exercised one time last week. I also weighed last in the middle of a bout with the flu, so the number was probably due to lack of food and dehydration. BUT I had a salad for lunch today and I am going to the gym to watch John and Kate Plus 8 tonight!

3. I am HOME. I will not be staying with my parents or some hotel in Atlanta. I have my food in my kitchen and my gym. We are starting our week of salads tomorrow. I love cooking!

4. It was 71 degrees today. I know it'll probably be snowing tomorrow, but I am so excited that spring is on the way. I drove home from work with my windows partway down and radio blaring. I love spring.

5. Remember last fall how we had our grand Nickel Creek tour? Well, their mandolin player has a new band, the Punch Brothers, and we are seeing them 3 times this spring, with 2 of them being in March.

6. Another part of being home is increased time with my honey. Not only is my husband really cute, but he's really smart as well. We had this lovely conversation yesterday.

Me: See this sweater I'm wearing? It's a large.
Him: I wear a large! You tell me all the time how skinny I am, so the large means you're skinny too!

I love his logic.

we live in a beautiful world (yeah we do)

I am channeling my dear friend Marie today.

The good:

I went to the gym this morning. I rocked the treadmill.

I felt really cute today, so I took my picture in the bathroom of the bookstore.I thought Nathan was cute and nerd-like, so I took his picture as well.
The bad:

Our dear friend Kent came over for dinner. We agreed on pizza. So I had three slices of pizza for dinner. And some barbecue chips.

The ugly:

I totally forgot that I get to weigh-in tomorrow morning. It will probably be really bad. But I'm sticking to it.

both of our hands

It is so good to feel better! It was also a sunny, not-cold day here in Kentucky. We joined with our pal, Kent, and took a short drive today to the town we moved from. We spent the day at Shaker Village. (Seriously, check out the link - it is beautiful.)

Here we are in one of our famous arm-length shots...
And here are a few scenery shots.




And I have about a thousand pictures of building interiors, but this one is one of my favorites and I take the same picture each time I go.
We had such a great day!

We went to church tonight, and I have a lot to share. But I'll do that tomorrow. I don't have time tonight - we're getting ready to go to the gym!

Oh, and check my food and recipe blogs. I'm updating them right now!