Thursday, March 27, 2008

'cause you're not anywhere that I can find you

Every day, I try to be more like Nathan. He is more patient than I am. He never gossips or says a negative word about anyone. He is very rarely in a bad mood, or rude, or angry.

He is not judgmental, he doesn't beat himself up, he doesn't look back at things he could have done differently. He just is. He is content and stable and even.

On days (weeks, months, whatever) when I am kicking myself, I see just how different we are.

He does not let numbers define him.

He has been really kicking serious butt since the first of the year. He is eating really well and going to the gym every day. Even days like today when I sit on my rear when he goes. He doesn't really know how far he runs. He has no desire to get on the scale to see how much weight he's lost - and that's my assumption that he knew what he weighed before we started.

But I am obsessed with numbers. And I really hate numbers. I just can't be happy with them.

I stopped wearing a watch because I was being ruled by it. I always wanted more time, or time to pass quicker.

I hate stepping on the scale (and haven't done it in almost 2 weeks ) because I dread the feeling when the number stares back at me. Even if I do really well and have a decent loss, that doesn't change the fact that the number is huge and at least 45 pounds over my lowest adult weight. I don't feel like I am deserving of the love Nathan gives me, and a large part of that is due to the fact that at one point in our marriage, I weighed 175. And now I'm not even close. And I attach all the frustration to the number that peers at me from the scale. And that number becomes who I am.

I hate looking in the checkbook 'cause it reminds me that when I don't medicate myself with food, I medicate myself with stuff. Yes, I did need a new bra, and my new professional clothes for work, and new makeup. But I tend to hoard receipts in my purse, afraid that if Nathan knew how much I spend, he might not love me anymore. I know that is utterly ridiculous, but it's how I am. I hate going to the grocery store without him 'cause I would hate to have to defend spending $75 on food. Although he reminds me everytime we go that he is eating at least half of it, and we have to eat, I feel like I am spending his money. I want to have better control over my spending, but I let the dollar amount that I spend define me. And, for totally unjustified reasons, I convince myself that that amount will somehow change Nathan's mind about me.

The numbers just keep kicking me. The number of minutes I exercise. It's never enough. And knowing that I can't reach the coveted 120 minutes today keeps me from exercising at all. The minutes/hours I watch tv each night remind me that I have a tendency to be lazy and sedentary. How many calories are in something. How many Starbucks drinks I drink in any given day (very rarely more than 2). The number of minutes it takes me to drive to work - and why it takes so flipping much more time to drive home. How many minutes it takes me to get ready in the morning. How many days it's been since I shaved (I think it's been 10 days - the night before my last weigh-in). I get obsessed with the number of hits or comments this blog gets. If it's down, I wonder if that's because people have given up on me, or if I am not interesting enough for people to want to read about.

I am stuck. Stuck. I am tired. And I have 5 loads of laundry to put away. I should get to work.

13 comments:

Cammy said...

Oh, Krissie, my heart goes out to you. I truly do understand wanting to be a better person. I think most of us want that, even though we might define 'better' differently. But, on the outside looking in (sort of), it seems to me that you've already got so many victories to claim. You've lost nearly 20 pounds, you're exercising more and eating healthier, you stopped wearing your watch rather than let it rule you, you haven't weighed so that you don't let that number have power over you, and so on and so on. You are winning the war, one battle at a time. And you are a battle weary; that's understandable and to be expected.

Nathan does seem like a great person, and I know you feel blessed to have him in your life. But maybe one of the reasons he has these wonderful qualities is (at least partially) because of you, not in spite of you. I realize that I don't know you, but your posts are filled with grace and graciousness, hope and faith, strength and tenacity, intellect and wisdom. I wonder if that's what Nathan sees when he looks at you. It might be worth some thought. :)

Hang in there, Krissie! You ARE doing so many things right. I hope you can find peace (and joy) in that.

FAT BRIDESMAID said...

WOMAN, I'm writing you an email right now. But I thought I would leave a comment to tell you that. That and, I love you dude.

Rhonda said...

Krissie,
I've been reading your blog for about a month I guess. I have to tell you that I look forward to reading what you have to write. I really do. I only read what I find interesting. I love the way you have a positive outlook on things. I also like that you have a negative outlook every now and then, too! That's because you're human. Blues happen to the best of us! Don't let those darn numbers get you down. So what? Life goes on. I'm so darn unhappy with myself right now....bigger than I've ever been and I'm just not doing anything about it. My husband loves me, my daughter loves me....but, I don't love me. Why? .....numbers. I hate what my scales says, too. Someone wrote that we have to be good to ourselves. You know we wouldn't talk to a friend the way we talk to ourselves. ....That's true. I'm always supportive of everyone else, but I tend to beat myself up. ....We have to do better than that. We have to tell ourselves that we are worth it. Nathan loves you because he sees greatness in you!!!! He doesn't see the numbers. Numbers are just that...numbers. You are you and there is only one you in this whole wide world! Without sounding too preachy or writing a novel for you to read, I think of it this way - everyday the Good Lord's giving me another chance to be a better person. We're living and we're learning. I've been mindlessly eating and I used to do that with shopping, too. I've got the shopping under control. I had a housefire a year and 5 months ago and when I had to take inventory of what I had lost, I realized I had too too much! I don't do that anymore. Same with the numbers on the scale. They're telling me they are too much, also. Just take it one day at a time. Pray ....learn from your mistakes and you will succeed in your goals. I will, too! Sorry this post was soooooooo long, I just want you to know that you are not alone!
Take care of yourself! For every flaw you find - find a positive thought, too!
Rhonda

Sarah said...

Hang in there girl. You are awesome and totally deserving of Nathan. We all go through rough patches. It's good that you are noticing and recognizing these patterns about yourself. If anything, this whole weight loss thing is also about self discovery. I know you will do great things!

Trisaratops said...

Oh, my dear. You are working so hard, and you are having so much success, I hope you learn to enjoy it, and feel proud about it. That damn scale is only one way to measure your success - remember when you tried on new clothes in a smaller size? Remember when you didn't exercise at all and now you do? I hope that Nathan reads this post and tells you why he loves you - I am sure it has nothing to do with what number is on the scale. When I read you I hear a kind, funny, loving, smart, generous, determined and all around fabulous woman. No one is perfect all the time, and I think doing something is better than nothing - and you are doing so well - I have envied your success and 120 minute gym goal. So remember that - you inspire me (and others) to keep at our goals. Love yourself, my friend! We may never be that girl who doesn't care about the scale, but time will march on, and your marriage will thrive, and your family will grow no matter what the scale says, so don't hold back from your life, don't give up on your dreams, just realize that you're going to get there, even if the path takes you somewhere else first. I just came out of a 5 week plateau - so I know what that is like.

Lori said...

My first thought - give yourself a break! You have done so well inspite of all of the life changes you've had recently!

My second thought - rethink your expectations! Maybe 120 minutes of exercise a day was realistic when you weren't working full-time, but maybe it's not so realistic anymore. 30 minutes a day is probably realistic and is better than 0 minutes a day. Not to sound cliche, but remember this journey is a marathon, not a sprint!

My final thought - I bet Nathan, with all of his great qualities, wouldn't have chosen a wife who didn't have some pretty great qualities herself! No matter what any of those numbers say! You are you and that's what matters!

With all of that said, I can totally relate to a lot of your thoughts! We can and will do this - hang in there!

Hanlie said...

I hear you, sister! Maybe it's time to look at your fabulous "I love me" list again. You are special and your husband knows it! You don't have to be the same as him to be worthy of his love and your own.

I actually wish I could only weigh every time I took a progress photo, which hasn't happened yet! But the first question I get (from everybody) is "How much weight have you lost?". "I don't know" is just not going to cut it!

Finally, and I'm talking to myself as well here, 30 minutes of exercise really IS better than none. I haven't exercised in a month! Shall we encourage each other to get moving again?

Kim said...

Krissie,

You are not a number on a scale, or in a checkbook, or a total of minutes spent doing any activity. You are so much more than that. Nathan knows this every bit as much as we do.

It's easy to get lost in the dark when trying to find the light. I've been there myself, and have to work hard everyday to keep myself from fading back into that same mindset. But believe me, it can be done.

Please please stop for a moment and try to see yourself as the person you are - because that is enough for any of us. :) You are beautiful, and kind, and on a journey. I've been repeating this to myself and it may help you too- success is in the journey, do everything that you can to enjoy it!!

big hugs Krissie!!

Sarah P said...

OH Krissie - I am crying right now because I could have wrote this EXACT post! I have been hiding for almost a week and like you I should just pour my heart out. I think everything your feeling is normal but I assure you that Nathan loves you NO matter what! (And I don't even "know" you in life.)

Hang in there hun- take it at a snails pace if you have to... we can do this!

Anonymous said...

Krissie,

I love your blog and how honest you are about yourself. I feel the same - but am too ashamed to actually admit it. You've taken a big step by putting it out there for the world to see. You are such an inspiration to me...perhaps together we can become better people. Good luck to you.

Lidian said...

Krissie, I feel this way too sometimes - and it is so easy to be SO hard on oneself, but please - treat yourself the way you would a friend of yours. You are such a terrific person! And I am reading, even though i don't comment a lot (at all lately! I know!)

"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? But if I am only for myself, what am I? And if not now - when?"

(my favorite quote!)

Anonymous said...

Sounds like you're having a really tough day. Nathan sounds like an amazing guy, and guess what, amazing guys end up with amazing women!
From what I've read of your blog, I can only echo what others have said, you're a strong, insightful, honest, intelligent woman. You are a truly good person, you just have to remember to be good to yourself. If your goals aren't working for you, reexamine them and set goals that are reasonable. 120 min of exercise a day is a lot and few people could maintain that in the long term. And remember, the ultimate goal isn't to be a certain number, it's to be a healthy person.
A lot of people who lose weight either don't keep it off or turn to another addiction because they haven't dealt with why they were eating and what was causing the addiction. If you're ready to do some real self discovery, Nathan, another good friend or a counselor may be able to help you discover what the cause was and what you can do to help yourself.
There are so many great things about you, you just need to learn to focus on how amazing a person you are and realize that all of us (even Nathan) have our imperfections.

Lasserday said...

i just want to echo what my husband told me once, that there is a sweetness and wholeness and lovableness about me, it is something that people can see just looking at me. that is how you are. i bet that many of your readers would agree with me. there is something so compelling about your face, so sweet. i know you are struggling and hearing my dh say that to me didn't change my mind right away but it helped me to realize that there might be something that is plainly visible to other people that i just can't see so well about myself. i for one have just loved you since the moment i found your blog and saw your sweet face and i am sure your man felt the same way. there is something in you that is almost overwhelmingly lovable. i find myself wishing i lived near you so we could be friends! try to let yourself see that thing. know that when we all see that thing we couldn't care less if you got in 120 minutes of exercise. :) keep your chin up. :)