but I know I ain't the same

So I was laying in bed this morning, between my early alarm and my snooze alarm, thinking about how awesome my life is.

I love my husband. I love my family. I love my house. I love my cats. I love my car. I (pretty close to) love my job. I truly have an amazing life

I had decided that I was going to truly love me for me. I was going to stop this charade of trying to change but failing. I was going to be fat and happy.

And then I stepped on the scale.

227.6 - from 222 2 weeks ago.

What?

So much for the "happy" part...

or am I part of the disease

Boo blogger!

I was going to have a nice photographic post of my favorite things...complete with Nathan, jewelry, Starbucks, and shopping! Oh well.

And why such a post? Maybe to avoid the mess that has become my health this week?

Oh yes.

We went home this weekend. I was just generally out of control food-wise. And I came home to a lack of lunch-type foods, and my out-of-control spiral has continued.

Why can't I just get it together?

GET IT TOGETHER, KRISSIE!!

That comment is not a yell, but rather a cheer or a rally cry. When my co-worker is particuarly stressed, I sing (in hymn style) "Get ye together!" accompanied by claps and occassional foot stomps. Why can't I apply this to myself?

I'm not frustrated or irritated. Maybe I'd be motivated to get it together if I were...

(Random question: anyone else watching Family Feud with Al Roker? Since when has Family Feud become inappropriate for family viewing? Giving a man sex or alcohol to quiet him down? Finish the phrase "shake your blank"? What is slippery when wet? Seriously?)

and I feel done

Okay, so there were no pictures taken at the wedding. Kinda strange, I agree. But we were really cute. And I only had a small piece of cake!

Yesterday was kinda difficult, though. Multiple "when are you having kids?" questions. Several fat jokes made in my presence about people who are less fat than me. Just not the best weekend for self-esteem. Thus a variety of brownies and a cookie dough blizzard today.

But, you know what? I'm not done trying. I'm not giving up.

Sigh.

have a cup of cheer

Nathan is playing "Holly Jolly Christmas" on his mandolin. Even though it's June. That man loves Christmas.

So I was a little ambitious with the 10-day blogging thing. We're spending the weekend with our parents, so I don't know about tomorrow. If I don't post, I'll still show pictures from the wedding we are attending. I'll show them either way, really.

Have an awesome weekend!

I was feeling part of the scenery

Okay, so I think I'm going to get this purse for our upcoming trip. But not in the brown. Do I want the pink (with grey lining)...
Or the green and blue?

Help me! Which do you think?

In other news...

Why I Love Today:

Food choices today were pretty good. (Check them out here.) I didn't exercise, but I'm taking small steps!

The one food weakness I had was free. All that happened was bad service at Starbucks, and that led to free drinks!!

I am really motivated to be healthy.

Three words: Old School Grey's. (Meredith and George did WHAT?)

Tomorrow is Friday!

Our anniversary (and trip to Asheville) is a month from today!

but it hasn't happened yet

So I've had several requests for hair progress pictures. Today was a curly day, so it's not too exciting. You know, I don't really like it right now, but I'm not giving up. I will not cut it. I made a decision to grow it out. I have really only had 2 severe urges to cut my hair - and I started the process in February. I am letting it grow. I've just got to figure out what to do with it during the rough patches - and it will be rough for a few more months. I know, I've been here before.

Nothing of real interest to share today. I didn't do much this evening. I had planned on going to look at furniture for our deck, but I ended up being lazy, watching reruns of Next Top Model, and getting caught up on my blog reading!

The great news is, despite several opportunities, I did not go to Starbucks today!

as small as I feel

Well, I've spent 10 minutes trying to load up the picture from "map my run" without success. So I just quit. It's not that important. And the landscape looks nothing like the picture I had. Anywho, this is what is important.

Nathan and I went on a 5K walk tonight. I left my phone on stopwatch right inside the front door. From door to door (counting locking and unlocking the door), we were gone for 1 hour and 17 seconds. We pretty much rock.

The really good news is that I did well with pizza for lunch (check out my food blog for more details). And I am excited and motivated for the first time in a long time...even after a 10 hour day at work. Oh yeah.

So that's all I know today. Ate mostly well. Long walk. Going to bed.

you've come too far to turn around now

Not too shabby. So it's up from my lowest. What I have discovered from reading my past blogs and studying my old WW cards is that my body naturally likes to be 220-222. A lot. That weight is most common. So I'm afraid that this number is going to be hard to get rid of. But I'm trying. And I am excited.

Yikes. My toenails are terrible. There's no excuse for that. I wish I would have put on socks...Oh well.

Isn't it sad that I'm more embarrassed by the state of my toenails than my weight? I don't even know what else to say about that.

In the spirit of Marie...

The Good:

1. No Starbucks from a barista. That's huge. I did still have my morning Starbucks drink, but no Iced Venti 3-Pump White Mocha. That's a big deal. Especially for a Monday.

2. I left work at 4. Not 5, 4:45 or even 4:10. 4:00 and I was out the door. And I haven't stressed about what I didn't get done. I left on time, and I left work at work.

3. I cooked dinner (click here to see it!) and I made chicken salad for lunch tomorrow.

4. I did pilates. Mari Windsor wants to kill me, and I can't do the roll-up like I used to, but I completed the workout. And I am excited that I think I'm going to be sore tomorrow.

The Bad:

1. I took a nap between dinner and Wheel of Fortune. I gotta quit this napping thing. It makes me lethargic the rest of the evening.

2. I had a second bottled Starbucks drink after my nap. Nathan was drinking wine, I wanted something sweet. I have no excuses.

3. My hair is really getting on my nerves. I really just want to cut it all off. Any ideas for dealing with curly growing-out hair?

4. I made my third listen to Alanis Morissette's new album today. I love her. LOVE HER. But this album, like the previous one, is really rotten. Is it me? Did I just grow up and become less bitter? But she did too, right? Sigh. Oh well.

The Ugly:

I don't really have any uglies today! Yay!

feign brave, but still intent

The last few days, I've been reflecting on the past 6 months. I cannot believe it's June already. I really wanted to accomplish some things this year.

Maybe I already have.

2008 started off with a bang. 239 to 219. And with all the craziness of new job, I have managed to not do much damage. I weighed this morning at 221.something, but tomorrow will be my official weigh day. I think that's something to be proud of. I have thrown caution to the wind. Exercised little. Drank a LOT of Venti Iced 3-Pump White Mochas from Starbucks. And where has that gotten me? Up less than 3 pounds since February.

And, you know what? I'll take it.

That tells me that I'm really wasn't being as "bad" as I thought. I can go on a weekend food bender and gain 3 pounds. Heck, sometimes I can gain three pounds in a week for no apparent reason. I am still doing a lot of things right - My portions are still pretty small. I am still eating a lot of veggies. I have a 10 minute walk to and from work every day. Dessert is infrequent. It's been REALLY hot, and I've only had Sonic once this summer. Nathan and I have been on several walks - we walked to Circuit City last night, and we walk to Cosi to eat sometimes. In the big picture, I am still doing a lot of things right.

Someone (smack me for not remembering who!) mentioned in a blog the other day the inability to eat crap without feeling guilt. You know, I don't know that I feel guilt anymore. I just don't eat really bad food very often anymore. And, on the rare occassion when I do, I recognize that it is a very rare occassion, and I live with that. (Like the one day I worked 14.5 hours and stopped at Taco Bell on the way home. Notice I said 1 day.) I like the way I feel when I eat well and when I exercise.

So the last few months...Did I fall off the wagon because I don't deserve to be healthy? Because I have given up on myself? Because I was bitter and angry and frustrated that I am fat? Or because I was so happy that I forgot that I needed to take care of myself? (Unfortunately, I think I have reached an age where "not taking care of myself" is not an option. When I'm not healthy, I feel it every day.)

No. The last few months have been tough because I have been tired. I know I've mentioned my new job, and the stress of my new job, but it has been really hard for me. Long days. Not really knowing what I was doing. I would come home and mentally review every decision I had made. I would dream about patients and paperwork and learning my way around the hospital. It was really hard for me to wrap my head around a totally new profession which requires a lot of skills that I do not naturally have. (Oh, and in the middle of all that, I was really trying to impress because I thought I was going to get a huge promotion. I really misinterpreted a comment, I guess.)

But now, I am good. I understand my job. I am working 40 hours a week. I am at a good place. I am settled. And, dare I say it, I think I am good at my job.

And, now, I lug my rogue three pounds and climb back on the wagon. Or maybe I'll get some exercise and just walk beside it for a while...

(Did I mention that I'm back!!)

the only way out is through

Ladies (and gentlemen?)...

I am back.

I have not been in a good spot. I don't know why. Work has gotten less stressful. I am finally adjusting to the early mornings. I have just been focusing on the negative, and that is not like me at all. So I'm done.

We had Starbucks (Iced Venti 3 Pump White Mocha - No whip and a blueberry scone) for breakfast. My lunch looked like this - tomatoes, mozzarella, whole wheat pita and homemade balsamic viniagrette. I ate about 1/3 of this plate.Then dinner was great. Very lean hamburgers with gouda and avocado and a salad.
Our fridge now looks like this:
Our fridge has never been full. I don't remember our fridge ever looking like this...even before we moved. All healthy. All yummy. All good.

I could have a big plan for keeping my motivation or what exactly I'm gonna do, but I'm not going to do that. I know what I need to do. And I'm just gonna do it.

I will say that I will blog DAILY for the next 10 days. No excuses. When I am accountable to you guys, that really keeps me going. And my food pics will be on my food blog. I still take pics of almost everything and I don't post them for unknown reasons.

I am very appreciative of the comments/emails I have gotten wishing me well and offering encouragement. I have the best blog readers EVER.

Now we're off for a walk.

Happy Saturday, everyone!

that was just a dream

If you can't say nothing nice, don't say nothing at all. Right?

I don't have a lot to say that's good.

I picked a fight with Nathan at Panera.

I may have to work Saturdays.

I'm still fat.

AND a lady at work - no make that 2 ladies at work - complained about their kids all day today, telling me how lucky I was to not have children (seriously). Not knowing how badly I want a baby.

Oh! I almost forgot about this. Right out of grad school (the first time), I worked in drug rehab for a few years. Of the 100 or so women I saw in therapy, there was one woman that I seriously thought would still be sober. We had a few moments in conversation that I'll never forget. She is one of those people who God worked through - one of those people I could really see God in. She is one of the people that made me believe in people and our ability to change and really be better people. I learned yesterday that she is back in detox. Seriously. It's a good thing I'm not still practicing, or I'd probably quit.

Did I mention that I'm still fat? Oh, and that my co-worker who wore a 16 in February is now wearing a 10? 16 to TEN in 4 months? Yeah. That doesn't make me feel like crap.

Oh, and it's like 85 degrees in my office? And there is no plans to fix it?

Oh wait. I said some things, eh?

Sorry, Thumper.

and a halo on my head

Another rant is coming, just be warned.

You know, I am really tired of hearing how urban sprawl is so bad. How Lexington has the biggest Carbon Footprint of any city in the U.S. How people should just move back downtown.

Just so you know, I would if I could.

$135k for a 578 square foot loft?

$185k for 885 square foot of part of a house?

$259k for a 1500 square foot "apartment unit"?

Wanna know why we live on the outskirts? Because it's all we can afford without having to put our bed in the kitchen.

with a glass for you to fill

So this morning I was feeling particularly gross. There's always one day of my cycle that is the worst. That day is today. I decided I needed some things to make me feel pretty. Some bronzer, maybe some new nail polish, maybe even lipstick. I really wanted to see as few people as possible, so I decided to avoid the Wal-Mart/Meijer/Target crowds and instead I went to Walgreens.

Never again.

As I go through the front door, I am accosted by a woman informing me that body sprays were 2 for $9. Did I want to smell them? Let her tell me about all the summer scents! Blah blah blah.

And then? No sooner have I politely made my way past her than I am approached by yet another saleswoman - literally about 5 steps later - asking me if I need a basket (I have nothing in my hands yet). I politely say no. No more than a minute later (still in the same aisle!) the original lady asks me if I need help finding anything. Um, I'm standing still in front of a rack of fingernail polish...I think I have a handle on things. Geesh.

So, fingernail polish and bronzer in hand, I make my way to the second aisle and am trying to decide if I want to change from the usual Ponds face wipes to the Dove ones when I hear a loud, "Ma'am? Ma'am? Ma'am?" increasing in intensity each time. I turn around, shocked that this could be directed at me. "I can check you out over here when you are ready!" I roll my eyes and was d.o.n.e.

I put back my unnecessary purchases. I pick up my "girl stuff," toilet paper, and iTunes card. As I check out with the only cashier who didn't harrass me, a previous harrasser gives me a sad look - like I broke her heart by not going through her line.

Seriously?

So much for the lack of interaction...

i've said too much - i haven't said enough

Blah.

Why?

1. If I want to use WiFi at Starbucks, I now have to pay. Seriously? Isn't the incredible amount I spend (almost daily) on their coffee enough? Seriously?

2. Yesterday, I walked to work in the most horrible storm. I mean, the water was up to my ankles when I crossed the street. I literally rang water our of my pant legs. Miserable.

3. My office? In the middle of the hospital? Very limited air conditioning. I'd be surprised if it was any less than 85 degrees in my office. It totally zaps me of any energy. Between the heat and the stress, I tend to come home from work, lay on the couch and watch tv. While my lovely husband goes to the gym.

That's all the whining for today. Stay tuned for the next installment...