Sunday, June 15, 2008

feign brave, but still intent

The last few days, I've been reflecting on the past 6 months. I cannot believe it's June already. I really wanted to accomplish some things this year.

Maybe I already have.

2008 started off with a bang. 239 to 219. And with all the craziness of new job, I have managed to not do much damage. I weighed this morning at 221.something, but tomorrow will be my official weigh day. I think that's something to be proud of. I have thrown caution to the wind. Exercised little. Drank a LOT of Venti Iced 3-Pump White Mochas from Starbucks. And where has that gotten me? Up less than 3 pounds since February.

And, you know what? I'll take it.

That tells me that I'm really wasn't being as "bad" as I thought. I can go on a weekend food bender and gain 3 pounds. Heck, sometimes I can gain three pounds in a week for no apparent reason. I am still doing a lot of things right - My portions are still pretty small. I am still eating a lot of veggies. I have a 10 minute walk to and from work every day. Dessert is infrequent. It's been REALLY hot, and I've only had Sonic once this summer. Nathan and I have been on several walks - we walked to Circuit City last night, and we walk to Cosi to eat sometimes. In the big picture, I am still doing a lot of things right.

Someone (smack me for not remembering who!) mentioned in a blog the other day the inability to eat crap without feeling guilt. You know, I don't know that I feel guilt anymore. I just don't eat really bad food very often anymore. And, on the rare occassion when I do, I recognize that it is a very rare occassion, and I live with that. (Like the one day I worked 14.5 hours and stopped at Taco Bell on the way home. Notice I said 1 day.) I like the way I feel when I eat well and when I exercise.

So the last few months...Did I fall off the wagon because I don't deserve to be healthy? Because I have given up on myself? Because I was bitter and angry and frustrated that I am fat? Or because I was so happy that I forgot that I needed to take care of myself? (Unfortunately, I think I have reached an age where "not taking care of myself" is not an option. When I'm not healthy, I feel it every day.)

No. The last few months have been tough because I have been tired. I know I've mentioned my new job, and the stress of my new job, but it has been really hard for me. Long days. Not really knowing what I was doing. I would come home and mentally review every decision I had made. I would dream about patients and paperwork and learning my way around the hospital. It was really hard for me to wrap my head around a totally new profession which requires a lot of skills that I do not naturally have. (Oh, and in the middle of all that, I was really trying to impress because I thought I was going to get a huge promotion. I really misinterpreted a comment, I guess.)

But now, I am good. I understand my job. I am working 40 hours a week. I am at a good place. I am settled. And, dare I say it, I think I am good at my job.

And, now, I lug my rogue three pounds and climb back on the wagon. Or maybe I'll get some exercise and just walk beside it for a while...

(Did I mention that I'm back!!)


jeannie* said...

What an awesome post. GOOD for you! I'm so proud. Keep it up. Maintaining while going through all of that is a HUGE accomplishment. And now that you're all situated you can just pick up where you left off.

Anonymous said...

Great post! I feel that kind of reflection is so healthy and is all a part of the new you who takes care of herself without being on any kind of "diet." Good for you!

Sarah said...

YOU GO GIRL! I am so proud of you and your accomplishment! Have I mentioned I am glad YOU are back?! :)

countryjacket said...

A totally awesome post! Welcome back!!

Poonie said...

Good for you! And I speak for many of us I'm sure when I say I'm glad you're back.

We do need to keep our eyes on the bigger picture. Let's not beat ourselves up over the occasional food indiscretion when we have learned so much and changed so much. You are doing great.



Patricia said...

Good for you! It's making those daily decisions a part of your routine that makes healthy living a lifestyle and not a diet. That's what we should all be aiming for, doing it because it's how we live, not because we're on a diet.