feign brave, but still intent

The last few days, I've been reflecting on the past 6 months. I cannot believe it's June already. I really wanted to accomplish some things this year.

Maybe I already have.

2008 started off with a bang. 239 to 219. And with all the craziness of new job, I have managed to not do much damage. I weighed this morning at 221.something, but tomorrow will be my official weigh day. I think that's something to be proud of. I have thrown caution to the wind. Exercised little. Drank a LOT of Venti Iced 3-Pump White Mochas from Starbucks. And where has that gotten me? Up less than 3 pounds since February.

And, you know what? I'll take it.

That tells me that I'm really wasn't being as "bad" as I thought. I can go on a weekend food bender and gain 3 pounds. Heck, sometimes I can gain three pounds in a week for no apparent reason. I am still doing a lot of things right - My portions are still pretty small. I am still eating a lot of veggies. I have a 10 minute walk to and from work every day. Dessert is infrequent. It's been REALLY hot, and I've only had Sonic once this summer. Nathan and I have been on several walks - we walked to Circuit City last night, and we walk to Cosi to eat sometimes. In the big picture, I am still doing a lot of things right.

Someone (smack me for not remembering who!) mentioned in a blog the other day the inability to eat crap without feeling guilt. You know, I don't know that I feel guilt anymore. I just don't eat really bad food very often anymore. And, on the rare occassion when I do, I recognize that it is a very rare occassion, and I live with that. (Like the one day I worked 14.5 hours and stopped at Taco Bell on the way home. Notice I said 1 day.) I like the way I feel when I eat well and when I exercise.

So the last few months...Did I fall off the wagon because I don't deserve to be healthy? Because I have given up on myself? Because I was bitter and angry and frustrated that I am fat? Or because I was so happy that I forgot that I needed to take care of myself? (Unfortunately, I think I have reached an age where "not taking care of myself" is not an option. When I'm not healthy, I feel it every day.)

No. The last few months have been tough because I have been tired. I know I've mentioned my new job, and the stress of my new job, but it has been really hard for me. Long days. Not really knowing what I was doing. I would come home and mentally review every decision I had made. I would dream about patients and paperwork and learning my way around the hospital. It was really hard for me to wrap my head around a totally new profession which requires a lot of skills that I do not naturally have. (Oh, and in the middle of all that, I was really trying to impress because I thought I was going to get a huge promotion. I really misinterpreted a comment, I guess.)

But now, I am good. I understand my job. I am working 40 hours a week. I am at a good place. I am settled. And, dare I say it, I think I am good at my job.

And, now, I lug my rogue three pounds and climb back on the wagon. Or maybe I'll get some exercise and just walk beside it for a while...

(Did I mention that I'm back!!)