Saturday, February 23, 2008

she's somebody's baby girl

This isn’t something that I focus on often, but I do throw it in the occasional post. Why do I keep it so casual on my blog? A lot of reasons. I don’t want pity. I don’t want advice. I don’t want questions.

But that’s not fair. I’m being transparent here. So here it is.

I have a renewed desire to improve my health. I went to a baby shower today.

I want a baby.

It seems like forever (but actually about two years and change) that we have been doing the baby dance without any preventative measures. I don’t say that we’re “trying” because that would imply that we are failing. And that is not acceptable to me. I choose, instead, to believe that we are just waiting for God to give us a child.

The waiting has been very hard for me. Through prayer (and reasoning due to family health history) (and discussions with Nathan), we have decided that medical means are not for us. I admire those who have medical assistance to conceive. I recognize the bravery and faith that go into that. I just feel like I have been called to have faith, and wait.

I know that I don’t always take the best care of myself. Heck, I weighed 239 pounds two months ago. If I can’t take care of the body that God has given me, why should I think that He would give me someone else to take care of?

In the past two months, I have learned how incredibly faithful my God is. I will not question that now. I know there is a plan for me. I know my God is big enough to give us a child if that is what He has for us.

And it’s that “if” that I sometimes have a hard time with.

Nathan has a hard time with my baby sadness. But I am totally content with my husband and our life together. If we never have a baby, I will be fine. I have stopped taking pregnancy tests when I am a few days late. I have quit interpreting every strange feeling in my body as a pregnancy hint. I have stopped buying pregnancy and baby name books, and I haven’t even unpacked them since we moved last fall.

But watching a friend open a plethora of pink packages reminds me that my arms are empty. And that I haven’t been able to see Nathan be the amazing father that I know he could be.

So is there any better motivation to get my health together?

But, to lighten things a little. here are a few artists renditions of our children. I asked Nathan to draw what our baby would look like, and was slightly disturbed. He couldn’t understand what he could have drawn differently, so I drew for him what I envisioned. I have hung on to these pictures for years. Have any idea which picture is from each of us?

Have a happy weekend, y’all. Hopefully I’ll feel better – flu-type stuff and general attitude – tomorrow!

8 comments:

Scale Junkie said...

I'm usually ok with the fact that having a baby has passed me by but today I was bombarded with babies and baby stuff everywhere I went and it made me hurt inside. I do understand how you feel.

BIG HUGS!!

Anonymous said...

Krissie,
The verse for the day on biblegateway.com today was the following...
“For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”- Jeremiah 29:11-13

Don't lose heart,
Shirley

Lasserday said...

my baby urges have just really started to kick in lately and getting my health together has always been tied to being able to be a healthy place for a baby to grow. i get that. i also wanted to thank you for the line "If I can’t take care of the body that God has given me, why should I think that He would give me someone else to take care of?". it is a good twist on it for me, i think it will help me to take care of myself better.

oh, and that drawing is soooo disturbing! :) the one on the left, obviously. :)

Nikki said...

Krissie,

I know EXACTLY how you feel. We actually had friends visit this weekend with their 19 month old. I just wanted to eat him. It made my insides hurt for one of my own.
We have waited for all this time for financial reasons, but I am beginning to think we should just stop waiting and just see what happens. I know we'd work it out if it did happen. And we'd be so happy we did. Hope you're feeling better soon!

Trisaratops said...

I want to have a baby too - like, yesterday. I think you're right, it will happen when it is meant to. Your honesty and faith are inspiring. And I just LOVE the drawings!

Hanlie said...

I know exactly how you feel. I have also put away all my "baby stuff" - books, magazines, etc - but every now and then this longing just overwhelms me. Baby showers are hard! It's not that you begrudge the person her pregnancy, it's just that you feel like an orphan with her nose pressed against the window looking in.

We've said right from the start that we won't go the medical route, unless of course there is something that needs fixing structurally (like a septum in the uterus or uterine fibroids). I believe that losing weight and eating the foods that will balance my endocrine system and restore my fertility.

Yes, the final answer lies with God, but I believe that we need to lay the groundwork. No use praying to God for something we can (and should) do ourselves, i.e. get our body in shape.

This will happen for us, Krissie. I really believe that.

I guess Nathan drew the scary baby on the left?

Ready to Shrink said...

Don't ever worry about sharing with us. What I have realized is that when I read a post that seems scary to the person posting normally 4 comments at least follow saying that they have felt the same way. I too want to get healthy to hopefully be able to become a mom. I feel your baby urges and can totally empathize when you talk about Nathan being a good Daddy. I know my Bill will be as well and i want to make that come true.

Julia said...

He he... I LOVE the drawings!