she's somebody's baby girl

This isn’t something that I focus on often, but I do throw it in the occasional post. Why do I keep it so casual on my blog? A lot of reasons. I don’t want pity. I don’t want advice. I don’t want questions.

But that’s not fair. I’m being transparent here. So here it is.

I have a renewed desire to improve my health. I went to a baby shower today.

I want a baby.

It seems like forever (but actually about two years and change) that we have been doing the baby dance without any preventative measures. I don’t say that we’re “trying” because that would imply that we are failing. And that is not acceptable to me. I choose, instead, to believe that we are just waiting for God to give us a child.

The waiting has been very hard for me. Through prayer (and reasoning due to family health history) (and discussions with Nathan), we have decided that medical means are not for us. I admire those who have medical assistance to conceive. I recognize the bravery and faith that go into that. I just feel like I have been called to have faith, and wait.

I know that I don’t always take the best care of myself. Heck, I weighed 239 pounds two months ago. If I can’t take care of the body that God has given me, why should I think that He would give me someone else to take care of?

In the past two months, I have learned how incredibly faithful my God is. I will not question that now. I know there is a plan for me. I know my God is big enough to give us a child if that is what He has for us.

And it’s that “if” that I sometimes have a hard time with.

Nathan has a hard time with my baby sadness. But I am totally content with my husband and our life together. If we never have a baby, I will be fine. I have stopped taking pregnancy tests when I am a few days late. I have quit interpreting every strange feeling in my body as a pregnancy hint. I have stopped buying pregnancy and baby name books, and I haven’t even unpacked them since we moved last fall.

But watching a friend open a plethora of pink packages reminds me that my arms are empty. And that I haven’t been able to see Nathan be the amazing father that I know he could be.

So is there any better motivation to get my health together?

But, to lighten things a little. here are a few artists renditions of our children. I asked Nathan to draw what our baby would look like, and was slightly disturbed. He couldn’t understand what he could have drawn differently, so I drew for him what I envisioned. I have hung on to these pictures for years. Have any idea which picture is from each of us?

Have a happy weekend, y’all. Hopefully I’ll feel better – flu-type stuff and general attitude – tomorrow!