and my eyes confound me

Token Fat Girl's most recent post is amazing. Really speaks to where I am.

My point is, is that for whatever reason, like seemingly a lot of people I’ve succumbed to living a half life. I have very sweet moments, but there are so many times that I go through the motions, get caught up in the negative, fight the wrong battles and take advantage of my body and health as if it were here forever. There are things that I want in life and somehow disconnect dreams with reality. Living a so-so life just isn’t acceptable to me anymore. When I die, no one will thank me for not living my life. I don’t mean to be so cliché. Part of me fears being the best I can, what will people think? Do I deserve the best? What is the best? I know deep down that I have been punishing my life with food and self-pity for reasons that ultimately are not that important.

I have a new understanding that I don’t have enough time to be mediocre. I don’t have enough energy to cater to the insecurities of other people. I don’t have enough time to sabotage my health. I don’t have enough time to not live my life. I don’t have time to take for granted my friends and family. I don’t have time to not be the person I dream to be.

I am not living a half-life anymore. Today I am me. I am not punishing myself. I am respecting my body and my soul. I am eating vegetables for lunch. I am going to the gym after work. I am loving myself the way I love everyone else in my life. I am pushing myself, with a gentle nudge, to live the life I want to live. No excuses. Not because I am punishing myself for the bad choices in the past, but because I refuse to punish myself anymore by not allowing myself to live to my potential.

I love myself enough to change, to try my hardest to meet my potential. And I'm doing it.