Tuesday, May 8, 2007

i hope that someone gets my message in a bottle

My apologies for not being a good blogger...We're just trying to get ready for the brother-in-laws wedding which is accompanied by many overnight guests here (in 2 days!) and an overnight trip back to the hometown for my grandfather's surgery. Ugh!

My eating has totally gone down the tubes. I have managed, however, to only go food crazy one meal per day. For example, yesterday I had a huge cheeseburger for lunch, so for dinner I had a little pasta and alot of veggies. Today I had a healthy lunch, and pizza for dinner. Sometimes it's about just doing what I can. I knew this week would be crazy, and I've tried my best to prepare. I'm frustrated, and that's a good thing. I want to get back on track. I want to get my life back. But right now, it's cleaning and mentally preparing myself for not knowing how sick my grandfather is. Oh, and did I mention that I loathe my job?

I meant to write about the sermon on Sunday. We had a guest speaker, this guy who runs a ministry for the deaf. He was a great speaker and really involved stresses in the life of our particular church in his sermon. Although his sermon was about loving children, I got stuck on one sentence: God loves who I am today. I forget that sometimes. (I think I blogged about this once before...right after I started...but it still hasn't sunk in.) I tend to put my worth and my love of myself into the future. I will be worthy when I am thin. I will be worthy when I am a mother. I will be worthy when I respond to a dozen blogs a day. I will be worthy when I am in a job where I am respected and appreciated. But I am worthy of love today. God loves the Krissie of today. Nathan loves the Krissie of today. So why can't I love the Krissie of today? I'm going to try. And here's how.

  1. I am only going to buy clothes that fit. No more of this "It'll fit someday!" crap. I am worth looking cute today, not just when the number is not embarrassing.
  2. I will stop looking at old pictures and beating myself up for gaining the weight back. Guilt and remorse will not cause the pounds to disappear.

That's all I've got for now. I'm just going to follow those guidelines and see what I need to add as I go. Isn't it pathetic that I seriously base my self-worth on my weight? I know I am a great wife, I am really good at my job, I am a good cat-mom, I am somewhat funny, I bathe every day and I wear clean clothes. But somehow walking around with blubber makes me a bad person. That's crap. I'm not going to tell myself that anymore. At least I'm going to make an effort to stop myself.

It's almost time for American Idol. Then I get to wash dishes and straighten up this desk and our house is clean! Nate just got in from several hours of yardwork. I must go greet him.