and I cannot wait another year

Here's my list I promised! Where is yours? (What is Krissie talking about? Read my last post.)

The "I LOVE ME" List

1. What do you absolutely love about your body?

I have said it before (sorry I don't have the time to search through old posts) - when they are properly coralled, I like my breasts. I like the way they look when I wear v-necks. I also like that I am evenly porportioned. I carry my weight everywhere, so I don't have a lot of difficulty buying clothes.

2. When did you surprise yourself with your physical strength?

In college, I ran 5 miles. At once. Without walking. I know I can do it.

3. When were you braver than you ever thought you could be?

I walked out on a job last week. I don't have a job to fall back on. I couldn't continue working in a setting where I was not supported, and I couldn't risk my career any longer. I think that was the bravest thing I ever did.

4. When did your self-control blow you away?

This might not sound like much, but today I walked out of Meijer without my Starbucks drinks. I went down the aisle twice. I had them in my little basket at one point. I did not buy them. I'm missing it now, but I was strong.

5. What is your proudest moment ever?

My wedding day was amazing. The best day ever. I was so proud that Nathan chose me.

6. When was the last time you felt absolutely beautiful?

In November, the night before my 30th birthday, we went to a wedding. I had bought a new gray floral dress and these cute shoes. I was around a lot of people I hadn't seen in a while. I felt pretty and we were charming and fun and had wine...Good times.

7. Why do you deserve to meet your goals?

I deserve better than how I have been treating myself. I want to be a runner. I want to be strong. I want to be able to wear really cute clothes. I will be these things. And I will continue to get better because I will value myself more as my journey continues.

...and it continues through my food journal for today!

Breakfast was a Clif bar and 1 glass and a half of milk.


Then I went to the gym, where I kicked butt. I did 45 minutes on the elliptical-type machine, and hour on the treadmill, and 45 minutes on the bike. I was actually angry when I left - I gave up 15 minutes before my planned dismount of the bike, but my body was very tired. I was struggling with every cycle. So I decided that since I listen to my body when it comes to eating, I should also start listening to my body when it is tired. After 2 and a half hours, it wasn't laziness, it was exhaustion. So I went home and fixed lunch.

1 cup whole wheat penne, asparagus, a tablespoon of pesto, and a tablespoon of cheese. Yummy.

For dinner, I took the chicken and noodle leftovers from last night and added a can of mixed veggies. I topped it with crescent rolls, and made a chicken pot pie.

I was craving sweets, so we split an apple. And the blob is Nutella. Nutella is my friend.

It's time to watch Wheel of Fortune and then go to Nate's basketball game.

Happy Almost Friday!

time on my hands should be time spent with you

You know what? I'm done.

It started with the million blogs I have been reading today. So many people are so down on themselves. I keep reading such degrading comments. "I can't do anything right." "I'm lazy." "I'm never going to meet my goal." "Why do I even try?"

And then I take a shower (after a very exhausting gym session, mind you). I put on my favorite grey lounge pants and my favorite green t-shirt, and I get pissed. I've busted my arse. And I don't see any difference in the way I look. Why do I even try?

I'm one of these self-defeating people myself.

And then I got angry.

I am who I say I am. If I say I'm fat and lazy...Guess what? I'm fat and lazy. If a friend called me the names I call myself, she would no longer be my friend. (And I'd try very hard not to call names back.) I would cut my husband off if he spoke any of the words I say to myself. No wonder I have a hard time getting past my fat. I can be mean and nasty.

If I say that I'm getting my life together and my new life is one of health, then I am a healthy person. That's it. No excuses. No justifications. No arguments. I am who I am, and I am radically different than I was several weeks ago. Screw the scale. Screw the exercise bike. Screw the voices in my head. I LOVE ME and I AM KICKING IT!

Amen.

And to further my Kicking Ass attitude, I am very strongly encouraging you to do the same. We need lists. We need positive things to remind ourselves of when we are down on ourselves. So this is my challenge to you. Complete the list on your blog, leave me a comment, and I will link you. I will be listing my answers in my blog later today with my food pictures.

Here we go!

THE ONLY RULE: No backhanded compliments. No "I like my eyes 'cause they distract from my incredibly large ass." Only positives.

The "I LOVE ME" List

1. What do you absolutely love about your body?

2. When did you surprise yourself with your physical strength?

3. When were you braver than you ever thought you could be?

4. When did your self-control blow you away?

5. What is your proudest moment ever?

6. When was the last time you felt absolutely beautiful?

7. Why do you deserve to meet your goals?

Come on, ladies. Let's get off the pity pot and be better because we deserve it!

I wanna 'lectrify my soul

Today was a great day!

I started my day with cheerios and milk.
Then I had to decide what to wear on my interviews today. I had a lot of trouble deciding what looked good together combined with what looked good on me. I don't have a lot of business-type clothes. I decided that I am really excited about the day when I don't have to squeeze myself into a slimming tank top and control top panty hose. I really hate being fat.

But then I pulled my favorite sweater out of my to-be-drycleaned bag, doused it with body spray, and headed out the door.

Off to interview #1. I really want this job. I prayed the whole way there that I present my true self. I didn't want to be nervous, I didn't want to be pompus. I just wanted to be me. And that's what happened. It sounds like a good-paying, fulfilling job with a pretty healthy environment. It was a fun interview, and she actually said it takes a lot of "integrity" to leave a job like I did. I have thought it was the cowards way out, but she helped me feel better about the decision. (Is that supposed to happen in an interview?) Anyway, it sounds really promising and I am really excited. She said she'll be in touch in 4-5 days, and she can't imagine why they wouldn't hire me.

Then I headed to Atlanta Bread Company for my favorite sandwich in the whole entire world. Just veggies, dill sauce, and cheese.

But to get the full picture, you have to see the inside. How incredibly yummy.
I had some time to waste before Interview #2, so I went across the street to hang out at Starbucks for a while. I have been curious about their "skinny" menu, so I ordered a Tall Skinny Mocha Latte. And it was nas-assty. I had 2 sips, sat there for a while, and realized that my tank top/slimmer was cutting me pretty much in half. And since I had changed clothes since I put it on and was wearing a sweater, why am I wearing the freaking thing? I thought about taking it off in the bathroom, but I didn't.

So I was off to Interview #2. It was a pretty cool job as well, and I think I would have a shot at it. But it is a 45 minute commute each way. And it sounds like more responsibility than what I would want right now. But I'm not going to totally cut it out of the picture until I know more about Job #1.

Dinner was a quick and tasty chicken and noodles. No recipe, it's just chicken broth, rotisserie chicken breast, whole wheat egg noodles, and a jar of chicken gravy. Nothing says comfort food to me like chicken and noodles. I am a happy girl.

We went to Bible Study tonight, with a professor from a local seminary teaching through the Old Testament. It was week 1, and we had a really good time. We had several friends there and it was great to see friends that we hadn't seen since Christmas. We typically go out to eat with one particular couple, and it was hard to have to not make plans because we don't know what our long-term financial situation will be (and we don't eat out cheap). But we'll at least to ice cream or coffee or something after church on Saturday night.

On the way home, we stopped at Starbucks. This is an old picture, but I had a bottled Starbucks Mocha (my beloved Starbucks drink) over ice. It upset my stomach something fierce. I know I can only have caffeine on an empty stomach, but I keep trying anyway. Silly girl.

I had decided prior to today that this would be my gym-free day this week. I almost feel like I wasted it, though, since I'm not sore or particularly tired today. But it was a full day, and I needed a day off. But I'm back to the gym tomorrow afternoon!

I want to thank you all for all your well-wishes for my job search. And your encouragement on my new habits. You all keep me accountable! You are a BIG part of my success! Thanks so much for your comments!

shed some light on me please

Unemployed day #2. I spent today cleaning out the cabinets and the pantry and doing tons of laundry. I also got my hair cut and the oil changed in the car. Tomorrow I have 2 interviews. Hopefully one of them will pan out into a job. I thought I would enjoy the time between jobs, but I feel guilty for being home while Nate's at work and then there's the whole not-bringing-in-an-income thing.

I am looking forward to my evening. 2 hours at the gym during the Biggest Loser. The plan is 60 minutes on treadmill and 60 on the bike. Or maybe I'll spend part of that on the elliptical-gazelle machine. (I really need to find out what it's called.) Who knows. I just know that I've looked forward to working out all day. I didn't go during the day 'cause I wanted to wait until Nathan came home to go with him.

I was mad that Oprah wasn't doing a health show today. Darn her. But something said during the show yesterday really stuck with me. One of the guests said, "It's the things you do repeatedly, not occassionally, that determine who you are." I like that a lot. If I eat healthy most of the time, then that's who I am. If I'm active most of the time, that's who I am. I am so prone to polar thinking, and that if I'm "bad" then I might was well just quit. But that's not who I am today. I am being healthy.

I read on a blog somewhere today (I am SO SORRY I don't remember who...Comment and I'll give you credit! EDIT: It was Hanlie at FertileHealthy. Check out the post here.) that the good habits are crowding out the bad habits. So my healthy eating doesn't leave room for the bad foods that I used to love. My habit of exercising and blogging are crowding out the laziness. I am a new person most of the time. And that's good enough. I'm never going to be perfect. But I can be healthy repeatedly, and let that crowd out my mistakes. That's why I just had Nathan hide the bag of chocolate chips.


Breakfast: A Clif bar and 1 cup of 2% milk.



Lunch: The last of the Tomato and Beef Stew (how incredibly sad I am!) and 1.5 cups of milk.

Dinner: Black Bean and Sausage Soup with corn relish and sour cream.

I didn't take pictures of about a 1/4 cup of chocolate chips, but I should have. I am so embarrassed. But they're hidden now. (And here's a picture from Google, just to keep me honest.)

So wish me luck on the interviews tomorrow morning!

all my fears are drifting by me so slowly

So I've tried really hard to be proud of my 2.4 pound loss. I'm getting there. I am.

Today is my first day of unemployment. I have two interviews scheduled for this week, and another position that has contacted me to schedule an interview. I'm hopeful that I'll be able to start somewhere next week, at least at the restaurant. (They were pretty angry that I didn't start today, by the way. I tried to explain that I didn't want to have them train me for me to only work a week and then quit for a professional job. So if I need a job next week, I may or may not have one.)

I watched Oprah today, pushing her newest "Best Life" spiel. She had some pretty inspiring stories on the show, with the 6 Secrets to Changing Your Life, which wasn't anything I haven't heard like 5o times before. So it got me thinking that I know what to do, a lot of times I just choose not to do it. Because I have so many excuses.

And then Bob Greene started talking about the emotional issues that are underneath our issues with food. I may be in serious denial, but I don't think I have emotional issues with food, I think I like to eat. I eat when I'm bored. I eat mindlessly. I don't eat for comfort, or for love, or for a rush. I think I have proved this by not having meltdowns with my recent eating changes. I was craving chocolate the other day, but I think that has more to do with my physical sugar issues rather than emotional stress or baggage.

The people on the show also talked about how they got fat because they put others as a priority over themselves. I don't think that was my case either. I think I got fat because I am selfish. I like cheeseburgers and ice cream. I like laying on the couch and watching tv. I have always been my priority, I just wanted unhealthy things. And now I've realized that there are no miracles. I do not deserve to be lazy and skinny. I will have to work to be the person I want to be.

One thing that was said on Oprah that stuck with me today is that we can do one of two things: we can either defend our behavior or take charge of it. In order to make lasting change, I will have to retrain my thinking and my preferences. And I'm on my way!

That being said, today was a pretty good food day.

Breakfast: Clif bar and milk
Lunch: An apple and Grilled Banana Split Sandwich. HOLY COW this sandwich is amazing.
Dinner: Leftover Beef and Tomato Stew.
Snack: Toast.
I did 60 minutes on the treadmill and 60 minutes on the bike. Nathan is at the gym now, but I couldn't make myself go back today. I am afraid that if I go back again, I'll be to exhausted and won't do anything tomorrow.

we're gonna do what they say can't be done

Down 2.4 more!


But I'm not really happy. I have busted my butt this week. Granted, I ate out several times, but I did really well. I ate an average of 1315 calories a day. I exercised 5 days for a total of 5 hours. And I lost 2.4 pounds this week. But that's 9.8 pounds in 2 weeks! So looking at the big picture, I'll take it!

I am really impressed at how much I really have changed this year. Exercising is almost habit. We eat dinner, we clean the kitchen, we go to the gym. It's that simple. I don't know how I would be doing this without Nathan though. He's such a good sport and he doesn't give me the option to back out. And me depending on him keeps him there too.

I am really suprised at my eating. When I went out to lunch Friday and Saturday, I was shocked at how little I wanted to eat. I ate less than half of what was on my plate, and I physically couldn't eat anymore. It wasn't that I didn't want it, I was just listening to my body.

And as much as I am listening when it comes to food, I need to stop listening when it comes to exercise. I let my tiredness talk me out of keeping going. We exercised a lot, but I only did my full plan one day. I didn't do weight training at all. Because I was tired. I need to keep Bob in my head, remember how tired the Biggest Loser contestants always are.

I am hopefully playing the Biggest Loser in my own way this week. I have 2 interviews, so I'm going to try putting off my start date at the restaurant until next week - I go in for orientation today. I want to use this week to live at the gym, keep cooking, and increase the support I give to my blogging buddies.

I can't wait to see how y'all did!

something so pleasant about that place

Happy Sunday!

I have had a great day. I started the day with a Starbucks drink (I'm back on the wagon) on the way to church. Then we went to Third Street Stuff with Kent and had sandwiches. I had something called the Big Kahuna, which I will recreate this week. Ham, pineapple cream cheese, and lettuce. So good.

We went to an open house, just for fun. We came home and I fixed Beef and Tomato Stew! I've been seriously craving something substantial, and this totally hit the spot. I also had 3 little yeast rolls. They are terribly bad for me, especially since tomorrow is weigh day, but we needed something to mop up the stew juice.We went to the gym after dinner and I did 30 minutes on some elliptical machine thing and 30 minutes on the exercise bike through the Amazing Race.

Tomorrow is weigh day! Tomorrow's post will be a run-down of the health week-that-was. I am really looking forward to the week-that-will-be. I am excited about the cooking I will be doing this week, the time I'll be able to spend in the gym, and the job interviews that I will be rocking. I am loving 2008!

I promised pictures of my husband and his new facial hair look. I hate it. HATE IT. He looks like someone right out of My Name is Earl or Smokey and the Bandit. I think he looks like he would have terrible and suggestive language. His facial expression doesn't help much either. All I know is I find it a terrible combination of hilarious and offensive. What do you ladies think?