all my fears are drifting by me so slowly

So I've tried really hard to be proud of my 2.4 pound loss. I'm getting there. I am.

Today is my first day of unemployment. I have two interviews scheduled for this week, and another position that has contacted me to schedule an interview. I'm hopeful that I'll be able to start somewhere next week, at least at the restaurant. (They were pretty angry that I didn't start today, by the way. I tried to explain that I didn't want to have them train me for me to only work a week and then quit for a professional job. So if I need a job next week, I may or may not have one.)

I watched Oprah today, pushing her newest "Best Life" spiel. She had some pretty inspiring stories on the show, with the 6 Secrets to Changing Your Life, which wasn't anything I haven't heard like 5o times before. So it got me thinking that I know what to do, a lot of times I just choose not to do it. Because I have so many excuses.

And then Bob Greene started talking about the emotional issues that are underneath our issues with food. I may be in serious denial, but I don't think I have emotional issues with food, I think I like to eat. I eat when I'm bored. I eat mindlessly. I don't eat for comfort, or for love, or for a rush. I think I have proved this by not having meltdowns with my recent eating changes. I was craving chocolate the other day, but I think that has more to do with my physical sugar issues rather than emotional stress or baggage.

The people on the show also talked about how they got fat because they put others as a priority over themselves. I don't think that was my case either. I think I got fat because I am selfish. I like cheeseburgers and ice cream. I like laying on the couch and watching tv. I have always been my priority, I just wanted unhealthy things. And now I've realized that there are no miracles. I do not deserve to be lazy and skinny. I will have to work to be the person I want to be.

One thing that was said on Oprah that stuck with me today is that we can do one of two things: we can either defend our behavior or take charge of it. In order to make lasting change, I will have to retrain my thinking and my preferences. And I'm on my way!

That being said, today was a pretty good food day.

Breakfast: Clif bar and milk
Lunch: An apple and Grilled Banana Split Sandwich. HOLY COW this sandwich is amazing.
Dinner: Leftover Beef and Tomato Stew.
Snack: Toast.
I did 60 minutes on the treadmill and 60 minutes on the bike. Nathan is at the gym now, but I couldn't make myself go back today. I am afraid that if I go back again, I'll be to exhausted and won't do anything tomorrow.

a simple prop to occupy my time

I am so excited for my weight loss this week! I love reading about the success of my blog friends too!

I got what I wished for! I took a new job today. I don't know the pay yet, but I'm expecting minimal. It's the morning shift at a local restaurant. It's early mornings, so I'll be able to do something else in the evening as well. My last day at my current job is Friday. I'm kinda worried about how the money is going to work out, but I know it will. We'll make it work. My dinners and lunches may become less dramatic, but it will work.

I have felt good after workouts all week. But today at work, I was resting the phone on my shoulder, and got a siginficant pain in my left shoulder. It's still there. So I'm taking today off from the gym.

Today's Eats!

Refrigerated Starbucks drink and apple for breakfast:


Leftover shrimp pasta for lunch. Couscous Salad with Roasted Veggies for dinner.

Then I got really munchy. I had a bowl of Wheat Chex...
And a little cup of marshmallows, peanuts, and chocolate chips.
You know what? I am not doing this. My shoulder hurts. That has nothing to do with the exercise bike. After Wheel of Fortune, I am going to the gym. Amen.

(P.S. I love you, Nathan! I do not deserve someone as supportive, as self-less, and as giving as you are. Thank you so much for the career understanding, the gym encouragement, and being such a good food guinea pig! You are my honey!)

You and I are a gang of losers

That's a loss of 7.4 pounds this week! Go me!

Good Luck Easter Challenge Buddies!

we are forms of everything we love

Food Pictures!!

I gave in. Starbucks drink #2 for the week. It's better than one a day, though. And you sould be proud of me! We actually went to da 'bucks, and I got one of the refrigerated drinks over ice instead of my old standby - Venti White Peppermint Mocha. It is my standby no more! Lunch was leftovers from dinner. Shredded Cuban Pork, Mashed Sweet Potatoes, Cuban Black Beans, a little pineapple salsa, and sour cream. It was really good.
Dinner is Shrimp and Tomato Pasta. And it was good too!

(Just a note - anything recipe that I cook and post pictures of can be found at my recipe blog. On the first meal (not leftovers), I link the recipe as well.)

We took down the Christmas tree today. Rather, Nathan took it down. I found it a little too depressing. I'm sad that the holidays are over. But we went to the gym. I rode the bike for an hour. (I watched LA Ink. I wish I had the guts to get a tatoo.) My lovely husband ran part of the time. I'm just a little jealous. Then I did 20 minutes of arm weights, and they are pretty much jello now. It was back to being a good workout. I could have kept going for a lot longer. I felt much better than the defeat I felt the whole time I was on the treadmill yesterday.

Tomorrow is the big weigh in. I am very excited. I have had a really good week. I have eaten an average of 1377 calories each day. Over the 7 days, I worked out 6 of those days for a total of 7 hours and 20 minutes. Isn't that crazy? Mostly treadmill and bike with some weights and a little yoga thrown in. More important than my stats, though, is the way I feel. I feel so motivated. I feel like this is already habit for me. We are going to work out. We just are. It's not an option, it's a ready made decision. And I feel like this is the most satisfied I've been with food in a long time. I'm cooking every day. I'm making it pretty. I'm not eating to being stuffed. I'm eating when I'm hungry, and I'm eating just enough. I don't miss junk food, although I did have a handful of mini-marshmallows the other night. It was a great splurge. Not a candy bar, or a scoop of ice cream, but 8 or so mini-marshmallows. I feel great.

I've been trying to decide exactly what sort of "plan" that I'm on. I'm recording what I eat on fitday and I am keeping a notebook that I write things down and count the points. What I am loving, though, is that I'm not figuring anything up until the end of the day. I am trusting myself to make healthy choices. And somehow I know that the numbers at the end of the day will be reasonable.

I have also done well with my resolutions. I have walked 7.3 miles. I have tried 8 new recipes. I am rocking 2008!

Weigh in is tomorrow, so we'll see just how much I rock. I'm off to paint my toes so they'll be pretty in the scale picture!

I will not leave you all alone

Happy Saturday! We have had a great day today. We slept in, and then had a great breakfast (2 eggs, 2 slices 2% cheese, 2 slices 35 calorie toast, 3 slices pre-cooked bacon, and a glass of milk). We ate breakfast a little late, then planned dinner for 7, so I decided I needed to eat lunch before we went to the gym, even though I wasn't really hungry. 1 cup cheerios and 1 cup milk.
Dinner was really good, and I got 3 new recipes in! Cuban Shredded Pork tacos, Buttermilk Mashed Sweet Potatoes, and Cuban Black Beans. We had 2 friends over, and I think they enjoyed dinner. Then we watched some Arrested Development. All is well.
We went to the gym today, and it was really hard. I did 45 minutes on the treadmill, an even 2 miles. My body didn't cooperate. I was ready to quit after 7 minutes, but I pushed through. I don't know what my problem was. I pushed through, though, and I hope tomorrow is better gym-wise.

I have been reading a lot of blogs today, and I am very proud of us. I love that I feel like I know so many of you, and that you know me and where I am. I love having you all to share my meals and successes and failures with. Thank you so much for hanging out with me!

treading trodden trails

I have decided to also join the Healthy You Challenge. I am very excited about this. I like all the little buttons and badges.

She has asked that all of the challenge participants tell about themselves. Well, I am me. I've been blogging for a while, and doing this weight loss thing half-assed for a longer while. No longer. I know I can be successful because I have been in the past. In March 2004, I weighed a lowest of 176 (from 221 then). Last week I weighed at 239, and I've quit playing around. I want more from my life. I want cute clothes. I want babies. I want my husband to think I'm smoking hot. I want to be a runner. I want so many things that I deserve, and I'm going after them one day at a time. I live in Kentucky, am an incredibly happy wife, and am searching for a new job (I think I've found one several months out...now I just need something to pay the bills in the interim so I can quit my current job).

Also, I post pictures of what I eat every day. It keeps me accountable and helps me put thought and effort into my meals. Here's (most of) today's.

Remember how I said I had to leave at 5:30am? I rethought things, and actually left around 5:10. It was really dark. I needed gas. And I decided I needed caffeine as well so I (gasp!) gave into the Starbucks drink. And it was awesome. But I counted it, and I had a banana instead of the Mini Muffins I was having as an accompaniment for a long time.I was with two teenage girls all day, and at least I convinced them to eat at Subway for lunch. I didn't have my camera with me, but I had a roast beef on wheat (no cheese) with veggies, honey mustard, and sweet onion sauce. I had only ate about two-thirds of the sandwich (it was soggy by the time I was able to eat it), no chips and drank water. When I finally got back home, I was very hungry, and this is my snack.I don't even know what to say about dinner. It was awesome. Chopped Salad with Spicy Pork and Buttermilk Dressing. I am so glad we have leftovers for lunch tomorrow. And, yes, that is a celebratory "I survived a 3-day workweek!" glass of wine behind my plate.
We went to the gym and I totally kicked butt. However, I was pretty famished when I got home. I put everything into fitday.com, and realized I probably should eat something. So I had a bowl of wheat chex.
And it was good.

Did I mention that we totally kicked it at the gym? I spent 40 minutes on the treadmill, 40 minutes on the bike (both thanks to "What Not To Wear"), and then we finished up with some weights. My arms got really jiggly and didn't want to lift anymore. That was a good feeling. I was kinda nervous since I took yesterday off from the gym. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to motivate myself to go back. I am very tired today (lack of sleep), but after Jeopardy, Nathan gave good encouragement, and off we went. Today is the best I have felt after the gym so far this year. I felt strong instead of weak. I felt motivated to work harder instead of disappointed about how much better I used to be.

It's time for me to shower and then to catch up on sleep. Have a great weekend!

and I'll find my own way out

So today, I still have a job. I am still aggressively in search of a new one, but (as Nathan said) I have a steady income as I search. Unhappy, yes, but avoiding financial ruin. And now for the stuff that's really important: the food.

The New Year Continues!!! UN-Frosted Mini Wheats and 1 cup 2% milk.


Leftover Asian Steak Salad for lunch.

I was really hungry when I got home, so my snack was a banana and 1 cup of 2% milk.

Dinner was Mediterranean Salad with Artichokes, Penne, and Sun Dried Tomatoes. So yummy!!

And then I needed a snack after the gym, and an orange hit the spot!

I am so impressed with how we have been eating. I haven't felt the slightest bit deprived, hungry, or frustrated. I feel like this is the best tasting food I've made in a long time. And taking pictures of everything helps in several ways. First, if I don't want to take a picture of it, then I don't eat it. Second, I take the time to make what I eat pretty and appetizing. It keeps me from eating mindlessly. And boredom eating is definitely my big problem.

It is really cold here! We ran from the truck to the gym...Yes, we drove the pathetic distance to the gym. But we ran in the parking lot! We did the ususal alternating, 30 minutes each on treadmill and bike. I am going to do weights in the morning, but one machine is hard for me to reach, so I did it tonight. I was feeling really stiff when I got home, so I did about 10 minutes of yoga, just to stretch out. I feel much better now. Overall, I feel GREAT. I cannot believe how much stronger I feel after 3 gym days. I am wore down, though. My legs are constantly tired...in a great way! I would love to see what I would be capable of if I took a rest day, but I'm not far enough into this to give myself a day off. I'm afraid one day would turn to two. I'm just not ready to break my stride yet!

Nathan plays basketball tomorrow night, and I love cheering him on. Since that will be his workout for tomorrow, I am planning on getting up really early and going to the gym in the morning. No, I'm not planning on it, I'm doing it! I feel so good when I get my exercise in the morning. And tomorrow is going to be a good day!

I'm kinda worried about Friday. I have to leave home around 6, pick up two girls, and take them to court. The last time they went to court, they were there for 8 hours. I like them, and they are fun, but I worry about food. I worry about getting hungry and making bad choices. But I'll eat breakfast on the way there, find something healthy to take for lunch, and cook dinner. I know I'll be fine, but I also know how these girls can eat.

Oh, and you may not have noticed, but I have also made a huge change in my life. I no longer have a daily Starbucks drink. I think I had (at least) one daily for over a year. And I've been free of the refrigerated Starbucks drink for 11 days now. I have had the occassional coffee from the real 'Bucks, but I no longer make my daily Speedway stop!

It's time for me to shower and go to bed so I can be ready for my early morning. Keep it up, ladies! We can do this together!

its never too late to try

Happy New Year!

I really don't want to go back to work tomorrow. I'm kinda in denial. But here's my food for today.

Breakfast: I finished off the Banana Nut Crunch (boo!) and 1 cup 2% milk.

Lunch was leftovers from last night's chicken salad. I put the banana in the picture, but didn't eat it until we got back from the gym.
Not food, but snow! It started snowing when we got to the gym, and this was the view from our back deck as we were cooking dinner.
Dinner was Asian Steak Salad with Cucumber and Napa Cabbage. It was really good.
We went to the gym again today before dinner. We did 30 minutes on the treadmill and 30 on the bike. I really pushed myself during the commercials, and had a hard time recovering. I'll get back into it. I'm just happy that I'm starting healthy habits again.

Resolution update: 1.8 miles and 2 recipes down. (Although I made the lunch salad yesterday, I ate it today so I'm counting it.)

Token Fat Girl has started an etsy store. I wanted to be supportive of her, and the first item up for sale is this cute little "Be Fearless" Token. At first I thought, "I'm not afraid of anything, but I'll buy it anyway." Then I started putting away laundry, and was hit with a brick that I am afraid of a lot of things when it comes to my weight loss. I am afraid that I may lose weight and still not have a baby. Then I couldn't be angry at myself anymore (I really believe my weight is the core of our infertility issues). Then who would I blame? I think even bigger than that is the fear that I won't be able to maintain success. I lost 50 pounds 3 years ago, and put almost 70 back on. I'm more afraid of backsliding than I am afraid of not succeeding.

Then, on a daily basis, I'm afraid to be the fattest girl in the gym. Afraid that Nathan won't like a healthy recipe. Afraid that I'll tie my shoe too tight and get a cramp while I'm on the treadmill. Afraid that other people in the gym notice how floppy I am on the bike. Afraid I'll look stupid using the weight machines.

These are all excuses I have used. NO MORE! I am making no more excuses.

I AM FEARLESS!

Oh, Biggest Loser is coming on. I'll see you tomorrow.

all this time and you on my mind

Happy New Year's Eve Eve!

Nathan and I are doing nothing (NOTHING!) tomorrow. I may follow-up on a few jobs, so some more online applications, but we're not going out or anything. That is how we always spend New Year's. And I'm totally content with that.

I've been working really hard on my resolutions. And I'm going to put them on my side-bar. I have 3, and I think they are pretty straightforward and achievable.

1. In 2008, I will lose 50 pounds.
2. In 2008, I will walk/run a total of 500 miles.
3. In 2008, I will try 50 new recipes.

The ONLY way I will excuse not meeting these is the presence of a baby.

There they are. Beautiful, aren't they?

I look at who I want to be, what I want to achieve, and I realize that I may sound weight focused. I honestly believe that is where my issues are. I have a wonderful marriage, a wonderful family, wonderful friends, and a wonderful home. I hate my job, but I am actively pursuing a change, and will be otherwise employed by February 1st. I wanted my resolutions to be simple, achievable, and health related. And three is my favorite number. So there they are.

I am excited for a new challenge I have found to get me off to a good start. Shannon's Easter Challenge starts tomorrow. I am excited that it starts on NYE not NYD. I feel like I'm getting a jump-start on my year. And the treadmill people are supposed to come to our workout room tomorrow, so that is helpful. But tomorrow is the Big Weigh In. That makes me really nervous. I haven't been on the scale since who knows when. But to know that I meet my goal, I have to have a starting point, right?