see your face every place that I'm walkin'

So here it is. The dreaded scale picture. I honestly thought it would be worse. Thank you, Miranda, for offering the scale challenge. I challenge all y'all blog folk to do this. Show us your toes (in any state of repair) on your scale. With numbers on it, of course. How inspiring will it be to others to see those numbers go down?

I am honestly pleased with the color of my toes. After I got them done, the paint has a purple undertone that i don't like. But you can't see it in the picture. That makes me happy.

I also got up and did yoga this morning. I know. It's crazy. I also ate pretty well today. Banana, peanut butter and honey wrap for breakfast. South Beach Asian Chicken Wrap meal and mandarin oranges for lunch. Half a turkey sandwich and a small whole wheat bagel for dinner.

Wait, aren't I leaving out something very important?

You're going to think I'm lying to you.

But I am serious.

I did not have a Starbucks drink today.

Nor did I have caffeine in any other form (ICMocha, Pepsi, Coffe Ice Cream). Absolutely none.

I rock.

My headache is only minimal. I wouldn't even realize its a result of caffeine neglect.

I feel really, really good about how I have taken care of myself today. I expect days like this to come!

Rock on, bloggers. We'll make it.

got me in a haze, running for cover

Epiphany day!


But to backtrack a little...Ever notice how you run out of everything at the same time? I stopped wearing foundation last weekend 'cause I ran out. I was also crushing my powder and blush to get the stuff out of the corners. This weekend, I had to replinish my suppies of moisturizer, deodorant, shampoo, and conditioner. I noticed yesterday morning that the one bra that was in good shape has a hole in it. So today meant a trip to the mall.


I went to the mall in a bad mood. I'd gotten a message from our realtor that he wants to drop the asking price for the house that we are selling. That didn't sit well with me. I really don't think our price is unreasonable for the age, condition, square footage, and yard. Anyway, I was in a terrible mood and really had to keep myself in check. I really wanted to get what I needed and not take part in retail therapy. But first, I ordered a pair of chili dogs and fries at Gold Star. For reasons that ellude me, for the first time in months, I prayed over my feast of hot dogs. I only ate one of my hot dogs. And a little less than half of my fries. I wasn't trying to not eat, I just stopped when I was hungry. I should have recognized the beginning of things to come, but instead I was mad that my body literally wouldn't let me eat. Only now do I connect my prayer with my inability to stuff my face.


Then I went to the Clinique counter and purchased the necessary beautification products (foundation, powder, blush, mascara). I felt kinda bad for the amount of money I dropped for things to put on my face. In the back of my mind, though, I knew that the more time I put into my appearance, the better I feel about myself and the more motivated I am to make more changes. I've gotten really lazy with my make-up. I think that's representative of my generaly laziness.


Then I bit the bullet. I met my enemy head on. I walked into Victoria's Secret. (I know that Lane Bryant bras would fit me better, but I cannot make myself walk back in there. Several years ago, I swore I'd never go back. I've only backslid a few times.) And, in Victoria's Secret, my outlook on my body changed.


First of all, they have increased the sizes they carry in the store. I'm used to having to dig and dig and get help to find bras that fit me, usually in the biggest size they carry. I was so pleased to find bras with numbers and cups that are bigger than mine. That, in itself, gave me a kind of acceptance I haven't felt in a lingerie store EVER. I was able to take bras of different sizes into the fitting room to find the best fit, not pray that the biggest size would fit.


I went into the dressing room with probably a dozen bras, hoping to find two. The first bra I put on was it. The bra of all bras. (A Body by Victoria® NEW! Secret Embrace™ satin full coverage bra in a 38D in whisper pink, to be exact) And there, in the dressing room, I had my ephiphany:


If you ignore the rest of my body, and keep them properly corralled, I have very nice breasts.


I don't know that I have EVER had a positive thought about a part of my body that isn't my eyes. Isn't that sad? It's the truth. Even when I weighed 175 (which feels like a ton lighter than now), I was still incredibly critical; Never seeing what I had accomplished, only what I had to go. Today, in the well-lit dressing room, I saw what I could have. A body to match my boobs. It was an amazing moment in the life of Krissie.

So where do we go from here?

1. Tomorrow morning, I am going to follow Fat Bridesmaid's lead. I'm going to weigh myself. I'm taking a picture, and you all will see it. The ugliness will be out there, for all to see. And we can all see where I will start.


2. No more breakfast/lunch/snacks/caffeine breaks/convenient store runs/"team building" work lunches. I am eating food from my house. Breakfast at home. Lunch from home. Dinner at home. We went grocery shopping on Saturday. Between that and our blackberry bushes, we are stocked.


3. We don't have any Starbucks drinks in the fridge. I guess that means no more of them, either. (I heard your collective gasp!)


4. Tomorrow morning, I'm going to get up when Nathan gets up and do either yoga or pilates.


5. I'm going to start the Beck Diet Solution again. It was working for me before. For heaven's sake, I'm a therapist!! I teach people to use the same skills and I'm not willing to use them? No more.

Thank you so much for reading my ramblings. As a treat for those of you who finished, here's one of my favorite pictures. This is around our first year anniversary (summer 2004), on the porch of a rented beach house, at probably my lowest weight. (Look, I'm wearing the same necklace from the pic in this post that you commented on!)

(And I'm still adjusting to the fact that Sarah hasn't accepted me as a friend, as mentioned in the same post. Sigh.)

we all break the same

This has been a great weekend.

We went and looked at houses today. This one is the front runner. It has an awesome fitness room, with weight machines and free weights and everything AND a walking/running trail. Did I mention a nice pool that I want to lay beside next summer in an un-embarrassed fashion? Now we just need our house to sell...

We are also getting stuff ready for the yardsale. The World's Longest Yardsale runs literally right in front of our house. So we're gonna put some stuff out. Very exciting. So exciting, in fact, that Rachael Ray mentioned it in her latest magazine. The restaurant she talked about is about 3 miles from my house. (There was no link to it on her page. I tried.)

The good thing about having our house on the market? It's always clean. So when we're going to have a lot of company for the yardsale, there's no bonus cleaning to do!

I am actually partly proud of my eating today. Starbucks and banana, margherita pizza, (Mocha milkshake from Steak and Shake...good but not a wise choice), and an egg and cheese sandwich. All in all, apart from the milkshake, it was an awesome day.

Hope your weekend was good as well!

you put my feet back on the ground

I have discovered that I can now waste a huge amount of time. I have discovered Facebook.

Nathan has done Facebook for a while. It's just his way of keeping up with my family - all my high school cousins live on it. But today I decided to make my own account. And found someone very interesting.

My Maid of Honor.

Long story short: We lived in the same apartment complex through Grad School. We were so close. I got engaged. She moved about an hour away. We both joined Weight Watchers. We were both very successful. I lost around 50 pounds. She lost about the same. I got married, I moved within 10 minutes of her. She kept losing. My weight found me again. You know how life gets crazy and you go a month and realize you haven't talked to someone? In that month, I also gained. As the months went by, turning into 2 years, I didn't want to call her because I was getting fatter. That is the honest truth. I don't know if it was me not wanting to let her down, or not wanting her to see me fat again, or me being jealous. All I know is she's on Facebook, she's gorgeous, and I invited her to be my friend. Now I sit back and see if she's willing to be my friend again.



I still love ya, Sarah Girl.

(Yikes is all I have to say about this picture. What color was my hair? My head looks huge!)

little white shadows

Sorry about the absence...I have had a killer headache. I came home from work, took a nap, had some cereal, and I'm getting ready to call it a night.

I knew my job had a lot of perks and that management really wants us to be well-rounded people. Today I learned that we get $1 per day for for exercising for 30 minutes. We just check off our names on a calendar the following morning. The check comes at the end of the month. That's almost enough for Weight Watchers. I'm definitely getting on board for that. I never thought that $1 would be motivating, but it is for me! I love my company.

I hope I feel better tomorrow. I listened to a great sermon today that I'm excited to tell you about. But the white screen is bothering my headache, so I'm going to bed.

things can go bad, make you want to run away

(I can't get the paragraphs to line up - ignore the ugliness of the layout, please.)

Today is the birthday of my littlest brother, Zak. And, to celebrate, here's a 20 year old picture of him.

Happy Birthday Zak!

Briana asked about what cornhole is. Here you go. If you've never played, order a set and take it to your next outdoor get-together. It's a lot of fun, and not difficult to get the hang of.

I feel like a horrible blogger. I started this blog to keep myself accountable to being healthy. I've fallen way off the wagon. And I don't know what to do to motivate myself. I think I just need to start at the beginning and read my way back through my old posts. I read about you all, and I am so proud of you, but I'm having trouble applying any of your successes to myself. Visit Aimee. Our blogs started around the same time. She's lost over 30 pounds. What about me? I haven't been on a scale for a long time. I'm probably over where I was then. I am so proud of Aimee. I read her blog every day. I'm a huge embarrassing failure. Why would anyone want to read about that?

You know what always makes me feel better, and I haven't done it in a while? IPod Roulette. Hit shuffle and see what the first 10 songs that come up are. I invite you to do the same in the comments. No cheating to get rid of embarrassing songs! Here I go!

1. The Horizon Has Been Defeated - Jack Johnson. Always reminds me of the beach. Ahhh, Jack.

2. Don't Let Me Be Lonely Tonight - James Taylor. Gotta turn this one up. Such a sad song. He's just so confused. I'm so glad that those crazy unsure romantic days are behind me.

3. Inside Out - Eve 6. I can't believe embarrassment starts already. You know, the "heart in a blender" song. Eve 6 was named after an episode of the X-Files. I can't believe I know that. Hey, this would be a good treadmill song...

4. Breakable - Ingrid Michaelson. I love her. This song is from the most recent season of Grey's Anatomy. I also love her song, Far Away. A lot of song titles recently have been from that song.

5. Toxic - Nickelcreek. I promise I didn't cheat! This cover makes me incredibly happy. I can see Chris Thile dancing. Yay!

6. They'll Know We are Christians - Jars of Clay. Redemption Songs is an awesome cd of old hymns. Jars of Clay are amazing live as well.

7. Someone Else's Life - Joshua Radin. There is something so clear and insightful about his voice. I found him from the Last Kiss soundtrack. He's a good background cd, also a good listen for driving at night with the windows down.

8. Green and Gray - Nickelcreek. With 687 songs on my iPod, 2 so far should show how much Nickelcreek I listen to. I really love this song. He loves her and she has no idea. I change the words and sing "iPod" instead of "discman." I do that alot.

9. 24 - Jem. I love Jem as well. We were in Barnes and Noble one night (several years ago) and they were playing her cd and we came home with it. I listened to it for about a month straight then. Still enjoy her. She's great gym music.

10. 5:19 - Matt Wertz. We saw him open for Jars of Clay. He's one of those guy+guitar combos that I just can't pull myself away from. Again, he loves her, she's not sure. He's letting her know how he feels without seeming pathetic. He almost pulls it off...

(Oh, and #11 is great as well! Breathe Me by Sia. Wow, what a shuffle!)

I feel so much better! Thanks for letting me work through my funk.

on this starry night staring into space

Ever wonder what an anniversary weekend looks like?

We started the weekend with this being our view from the Hilton at Lexington Green. We had an awesome view of Joseph Beth Booksellers. We ate at Regatta (also in the picture). Then we stayed up late to get Harry Potter and the Deathy Hallows at midnight. It was a fun time. (Wow, I have no makeup left in this picture. Now you know what I look like at midnight. Scary.)

We read a little Friday night and then headed home home on Saturday morning. Nathan read aloud during the 2 hour trip. We hung out with my family at the campsite, had an awesome fish fry, and played a little cornhole. It was so good to see my family all together. It's hard being one of the only 2 grandchildren that have moved away. A lot of my family went out on boats, but Nate and I hung back to help with dinner. (That's my mom on the left. Hi Mom!)

Sunday we drove back to our house, Nathan reading during our travels, and then sat on the couch and finished Harry Potter. I am not disappointed, but kinda sad that it's all over.

We also returned to 2 copies of Runners World in our mailbox. I took that as a sign. It's time to run.

We actually ate pretty well this weekend. And then I had Taco Bell for dinner tonight.

But no peanut butter milkshakes since last week!

I am going to try really really hard to make this blog somewhat resemble what it used to be: an effort at being healthy. I will make an effort. And you'll be there for the adventure!