could I have been your little sister?

Great news! I am a fully-licensed therapist! I got my beautiful certificate in the mail today! I've been working for 7 long years for today (2 years of grad school + 2 years working + 1 more year of grad school +2 more years working). So to celebrate, Nathan and I went out and had a sensible dinner. That was funny. We went to Johnny Carinos. We ate. And had dessert. It was glorious. That being said, it's the first time in a long time (several months, I think) that I've eaten to the point of being disgustingly full. I had forgotten how uncomfortable this feels. I think it will keep me from doing it again for a while.

My eating has been terrible today. All kinds of junk. So much sugar, I don't even know where to begin. When will I stop torturing myself? Right now, because I am not going to wallow in defeat.

Anyway, after dinner, we went to Old Navy. I also decided to treat myself to a new outfit for my first day of my new job (a week from today!). I learned 2 things at Old Navy:

1. My bust gets in the way of allowing some cute dresses to look cute. Anything that has a waist just makes me look like I'm looking trying to show off my chest.

2. If the dress has no waist, I have no shape. Or, should I say, my shape is blob. That's what I am. Blob-ish. The cute dresses without a defined waist just hung off my lovely bust and created a horrible mu-mu thing. So cute, but so un-cute on me.

So we left Old Navy empty handed. Boo. And I won't even order the clothes I want on-line (that they didn't have in the store) because it may take them a while to get here and I don't want them to sit on the porch the whole time we are in Kansas. Blech!!

I think I am going to start going through some of my books tonight. I'm not reading anything right now and maybe I'll find something I haven't read as I begin my purging of 2/3 of my books.

Remember to respond to this post to be entered in the contest.

Have a great night!

after the storm all the colors came out

I've done it! The purging of stuff has officially begun!

My initial goal was to keep only 5 bags. Once I began pulling bag after bag after bag out of my closet, I realized this goal was outrageous. There were that many that I wanted to keep for purely sentimental and not practical reasons. So I reverted to my overall goal: to purge myself of 2/3 of my belongings. In this case, 48 bags would be narrowed down to 16. (Actually, it was 18. I just now realized that I can't divide in my head while stressed about getting rid of bags. With my misguided math, I was keeping 18 bags, and that is what I did. I stand by that decision.)

My process looked like this: I kept 2 bags that have my name or initials on them. My LLBean backpack my dad sent me my freshman year of college because I was carrying one of his that he wanted back. The other was a bridesmaid's gift from my brother's wedding. Then I picked bags I need/may need for travel: my huge (and no longer produced) navy blue Vera Bradley duffel and 2 large "Life is Good" bags that have sentimental value because each was bought in one of my two favorite places ever (one at Mast General Store in Asheville, NC and the other at Kitty Hawk Kites in Nags Head, NC). Then I decided, for necessity only, to keep my mesh Old Navy bag for trips to the beach. Unhappy that it took up an important space, but it was for necessity. Then 2 bags (small pink duffel and green flowered bag, both Vera Bradley) for weekend travel and gym bags. Then I had 10 left to play with, struggling to determine my 10 favorites. I was very surprised that I picked many Vera bags over the two Dooneys I've had for years. I kept two small dressy ones, and my all time favorite, a blue bag with orange flowers that Nathan got me for Valentine's Day last year.

I also cleaned out from under the bathroom sink and the multiple drawers that are mine. I am freeing myself of all those crazy Clinique free gift bags and the crap that comes in them. I've used all the good stuff by now anyway. I decided to hold on to all my hair supplies just in case I ever decide to grow my hair back out again. Straighteners aren't cheap!

Eating was out of control today. Work was a beast. I assume that those two things are related. I had a Starbucks drink and mini-muffins, ravioli, another Starbucks drink and 1 hostess cupcake, toast with strawberry jelly, and spaghetti. (The spaghetti was awesome, though. I just put cherry tomatoes, onions, garlic, olive oil, and some Little Caesar's Spice Packs in some foil and Nate grilled it until everything was soft then we put it over spaghetti. It rocked.) Hopefully tomorrow will be better. Work wise and food wise. 6 more days of this job! Yippee!!

My co-worker led group therapy today (with 10 kids from 7-11) and he talked about the difference between wants and needs. The kids talked about it in terms of our lives, and then we looked at pictures from Africa and discussed wants and needs in their lives. It was a great group, and I felt like it also applied to me and this purging of stuff I am doing. I am freeing myself of my wants, or at least 2/3s of them. It feels good.

The weight is next!

REMEMBER! Register for the contest! At stake is a mix CD from me of remakes (Nickel Creek covering "Toxic" by Brittney Spears is the only hint I'll give!) and 2 bonus items that are not junk that I am getting rid of. Things that I don't want to throw away or give to strangers. Leave a comment on this post.

I'll leave you with a cartoon I got from Nathan today that made me laugh out loud.

i used to say, "the more tragic, the better"

I don't always read footnotes. Sometimes they are uninteresting, but sometimes they really add to what I'm reading. And sometimes I don't really care where the information came from. But when the information isn't available is when I miss it.

I am an avid reader of Oprah's magazine. As discussed in a previous post, her show makes me want to eat for unknown reasons, but I love the magazine. In this month's, she has a little blurb from some guy names Chris Hedges in the Million Ways to Save the World section (page 79 for anyone interested). He talks about faith and how any faith that involves a loving God cannot encourage or support violence. Cool. But the he says this:

Finally, remember that Jesus taught us there are two ways to be rich: We can amass wealth or have few needs. Defy the consumer culture. Live simply.

I would like to have specific instances in the Bible to support this, but I totally buy it (buy it! ha!) and I believe that I have been feeling the tug to begin to live my life more in this manner. I have realized that our house is just too big for the two of us. Heck, we can have 4 houseguests and not even know they are here. We have accumulated so much stuff over the 2 years we have been in this ginormous house. And it's starting to feel like a weight to me. Live simply, Krissie.

I just finished reading Branded, and I feel guilty for buying anything at anywhere other than a thrift store. (But do you ever see plus sized clothing in a thrift store? Seriously.) Now I'm reading Nickel and Dimed and feel an even greater tug to use what I have more wisely. I have never had to call agencies and try to find where my next meal would come from. I have never had to scrub someone's floor. Especially not when they were watching me.

So I have too much stuff. I have books that I haven't opened in 10+ years. I probably have 25 purses, and shoes that I never wear, and boxes of clothes (that have tags and are multiple sizes too small), and 2 sewing machines, and boxes of who-knows-what. And, what do I plan to do about this? I purge. (Stuff, not food.)

That's right. I'm getting rid of my crap. It feels like shedding something. Like getting rid of the stuff will somehow help me get rid of all the weight (figuratively and literally) that I carry around with me all day. How can I expect my head and my body to make sense when I have closet doors that I don't want to open. My house and my stuff are in someway a representation of the me I am: clean and organized upon first look, but a mess once you start opening up the closet doors and looking in the corners.

So my plan:

• I am upping the anty on the contest. Not only will the 5 lucky winners (and right now only 5 contestants!) receive a "Kick off the Covers" cd of my own creation, but 2 bonus items. I'm not talking crappy stuff that no one wants. Things like books related to diet/food, maybe a nice handbag (I love Vera Bradley!), my mom makes her own candles and I have a ton of them, picture frames with my photography, things like that. Personal stuff. The stuff I would be putting in your gift boxes are the things that I am reluctant to part with, the things that I want to go to people who know me. And the fact that you read my blog shows that you know me. It's not too late to register! Respond to this post!

• I am starting the Core Plan with Weight Watchers when I get back from Kansas. That may sound like an excuse, but it is a plan. I will continue writing down what I eat and exercising every day until the trip. I do well enough making point-friendly choices on vacation, I think trying Core would push me over the edge and cause me to throw up my arms in defeat.

• I will clean out a closet a week until the move. I will leave no stone unturned, no box unopened. I have the goal of gifting/donating/throwing away 2/3 of my current belongings. If I haven't used it in a year, it's gone. (Goodbye masses of Clinique free gift makeup bags!)

Thank you for listening and good night.

(Footnote: Nathan thought this post should be titled, "This town needs an enema!" I initially agreed. But, upon further consideration, I thought that it was obnoxious in big letters. I also didn't like the departure from song lyrics to movie lines. I mean, if I was doing movie quotes, every title would have something to do with brake pads or turning into toads. Nathan then suggested the song for the title, and it was successful. He was also very gassy during the entire conversation.)

and my eyes confound me

Token Fat Girl's most recent post is amazing. Really speaks to where I am.

My point is, is that for whatever reason, like seemingly a lot of people I’ve succumbed to living a half life. I have very sweet moments, but there are so many times that I go through the motions, get caught up in the negative, fight the wrong battles and take advantage of my body and health as if it were here forever. There are things that I want in life and somehow disconnect dreams with reality. Living a so-so life just isn’t acceptable to me anymore. When I die, no one will thank me for not living my life. I don’t mean to be so cliché. Part of me fears being the best I can, what will people think? Do I deserve the best? What is the best? I know deep down that I have been punishing my life with food and self-pity for reasons that ultimately are not that important.

I have a new understanding that I don’t have enough time to be mediocre. I don’t have enough energy to cater to the insecurities of other people. I don’t have enough time to sabotage my health. I don’t have enough time to not live my life. I don’t have time to take for granted my friends and family. I don’t have time to not be the person I dream to be.

I am not living a half-life anymore. Today I am me. I am not punishing myself. I am respecting my body and my soul. I am eating vegetables for lunch. I am going to the gym after work. I am loving myself the way I love everyone else in my life. I am pushing myself, with a gentle nudge, to live the life I want to live. No excuses. Not because I am punishing myself for the bad choices in the past, but because I refuse to punish myself anymore by not allowing myself to live to my potential.

I love myself enough to change, to try my hardest to meet my potential. And I'm doing it.

this only serves to confirm my suspicion

Yeah. So I went to Weight Watchers yesterday morning. And I now officially weigh more than when I started 2 months ago. By .8 pounds. Yeah. I'm a loser. Or I'm not a loser. However you want to look at it.

I wish I could say that it was a kick in the butt or some big motivator or something, but that wouldn't be totally true. I did okay food-wise yesterday (starbucks drink, banana with peanut butter, hamburger and steamed veggies, mandarin chicken salad). And, for the most part, I did okay today (starbucks drink; spinach omlette, hash browns, toast; red lentil curry and rice, milk), ignoring the IC Mocha from Panera. Groan.

I've come across several things recently that I really want to blog about, and one more hit me today. I really like Postsecret. I do not link to it on my sideboard 'cause there is often nudity and otherwise sexual material. But I do think it often provides thoughts of others that I can relate to. Two postcards in particular this week really spoke to me.



We are all waiting for something. Some of us have legitimate reasons. But I think that mostly we have excuses. I am the queen of justifying things and making excuses. I'll run when I have new running shoes. I have them, and I'm not running. I'll eat healthier when I buy healthy things at the grocery store. We did that, and I still had an IC Mocha today. I'll go to the gym when the time changes; I hate getting out of bed in the dark. The time changed months ago and I spend 40 minutes each morning reading blogs, just to do it again when I get home!


What am I waiting for? I'm waiting for this to be easy. I'm waiting to prefer the taste of a frozen Kashi meal to a meatloaf sandwich. I'm waiting for Starbucks drinks to no longer be available at Mr. Kwik every morning. I'm waiting for the treadmill to come to my house, pick me up, and invite me to the gym. While there, the treadmill will welcome me with a grilled cheese sandwich, a Pepsi on ice and a pill that burns calories and builds muscle while I take a nap. A nice nap in a soft bed and lots of pillows that smells like lavendar. Wake up, Krissie! It's not going to happen!

What can I do? Keep on keeping on. I have mentioned this list in a previous post, but I created one of my own. I'm going to make many small copies and post it everywhere (in my car, on my desk, on my fridge, on my mirror, in my wallet, and anywhere else I look often). And I'm going to read it until I believe it. I may add excuses as they arise, but I will defeat this. I will win the battle with myself. I believe I can do that.

Not Monday. Not when all the food is gone. Not after the holidays. Not after my birthday. Not when it is warmer outside. Not when I buy the healthy groceries. Not when I have time to go to the gym. Not after my period. Not when it stops raining. Not right before an important event. Not when I get that new exercise DVD. Not when I get new sneakers. Not after this pint of ice cream. Not after I buy the clothes that don’t fit. Not after vacation. Not after we move. Not after I research my next diet plan. Not because I feel guilty. Not because of him. Not because I feel bad about the way I look. Not after this weekend. Not after this last bite. Not because of fear. Not for anyone else.
I choose me. I choose today.

Keep me accountable, okay?

And remember to register to win the amazing musical mix (currentley titled Kick off the Covers) by commenting on this post. And, since I can't count or consult a calendar, the drawing will be Sunday, June 10 (not the 9th, since that is a Saturday).

I hope you all had a great weekend, and have a great Monday in store. Only 9 days left of the current job! Single digits!

when I'm lonely or on my own

When I was a teenager, we had a pool in our backyard. My brothers, friends, and I played volleyball sometimes. One of my most vivid memories from that time is that we would often break into random song. If we missed the volleyball, we'd start singing,"I Missed Again" by Phil Collins. (Hence the very random title of this blog.)

Today I am not missing. Today I am going to Weight Watchers. I'm sure the number will be frightening, but I am going.

I'm tired. I'm tired of not doing this right. I'm tired of doing thisngs halfway, and then quarter way, and then not at all. I'm tired of not giving to myself what I give to other people. I am smart. I am successful. I can lose weight. But I tend to put other things ahead of that on my priority list. I like tv. I like to sit on the couch. I like chocolate and hot dogs. I like scrambled eggs (with cheese and bacon on toasted bread). I need to peel off all these horrid layers of laziness and gluttony and become the person I know I am.

One of the things I love is music. Music gets me going. It makes me want to run (sometimes). It makes me want to go. So I am sharing some of my favorites with you. Being under a lot of weight is like being under heavy covers, and I'm done with that! In honor of peeling off the layers of crazy, I am offering you a selection of my favorite cover songs. So here's the deal.

You have one week to reply to this post and just let me know that you are entering the contest. I will create 5 copies of the musical masterpiece and will choose 5 random replies (I'll number them, and choose numbers out of a hat or bowl or something else round). I know I may be flattering myself that 5 people out there will actually want my cd, but I can hope.

I will choose the lucky winners next Sunday, June 9, and get the cds on their way!

So I'm getting back on the scale today. I'll share the good, the bad, and the ugly tomorrow.

one eye on the clock

So yesterday didn't go exactly as planned, but it went mostly well.

I stuck to my eating plan through dinner. I didn't go to the gym, but I did walk 2 miles at work, so that evened out. I had really planned on getting Subway at the mall, but I talked Nate into trying P.F.Chang's since he hadn't been there. I had some shrimp and walnuts and honeydew concotion that was awesome. (Then I got my new shoes!) But there was success in the story, as I not only withstood the temptation of the flourless chocolate cake, but also the Godiva chocolate stand and the Starbucks in the mall. Go me!

Current job countdown: 10 days. Today we are taking the kids to the pool. That should get a typical person excited, but I always dread the "Why aren't you swimming?" question from the kids. I want to be honest and say something like, "Haven't you noticed that I'm fat? Yeah, and I have some issues about that and I choose not to get into a bathing suit around the guys I work with. So I'm just going to sit here in my sleeveless top and shorts. That's even a big step for me. So be proud of me for that. And remember to take the swimming test before you go in the deep end!"

We went to a different pool last year, and some people that work in another office were there. Several girls from that office are much larger than me. And they were just hanging around in their suits and chasing the kids they work with and just appeared so free. I found myself getting angry at them for being secure. How messed up is that? That's just not me. I'm doing well to not wear sleeves. That's one thing I tell myself every summer: Next summer, I'll be thin when we take the kids to the pool. But, guess what, I only have 10 more days, 2 more trips to the pool 'cause my new job starts on the 20th!

And the 15th, we leave for Kansas! I am so excited to take Nathan out to my brother's place. I really liked it out there. I haven't been on a plane in forever, and Nathan and I have never flown together, so this is going to be very exciting. Our goal is to get everything we need into carry-ons so we don't have to check anything. I am seriously thinking about just shipping our toiletries to Zak so we don't have to worry about getting that all through. We'll see.

I do have a food plan today, but it's not the best one.

Breakfast:
Egg and cheese sandwich
Starbucks drink

Lunch:
Peanut butter and jelly sandwich
baked lays

Dinner:
grilled pork loin (with this really spicy cranberry salsa we bought this weekend)
grilled corn

...unless Nathan has a softball game, then dinner is totally up in the air

I don't know what my problem is. Motivation comes and goes. I must be disciplined. Hmm. I'm not being to successful at that either. Blah!