who's gonna drive you home tonight?

Nothing noteworthy today. Eating was terrible. I had McDonald's twice. Twice. I had the Southwest Grilled Chicken Salad. Quite possibly the best salad I've ever had (6 points for salad and 3 for dressing). Then I found myself running errands from work, with my windows down, and thought it was a great day for ice cream. So I returned to McD's for a yogurt cone (3 points). I don't think I've been there more than twice in the last two years, and I return twice in one day. I hang my head in shame.

I also hang my head as the result of eating a piece of pizza, a chili dog, half a scoop of strawberry cheesecake ice cream, and 2 mini york peppermint patties. You know, at least I am honest. And I only have like 3 flex points to use before my weigh in on Saturday morning. But I am counting!

I realize that I am about to go into absolute 100% crazy Krissie rant mode. I recognize this, I accept it, and I proceed anyway.

Disclaimer: I love my new car. It is beautiful and roomy and everything works and nothing leaks and it doesn't drag the ground when I pull into my driveway and it is everything that the Krissie of today wants in a car.

But I haven't always been the Krissie that I am today.

I started out with this car. Exactly. A black Plymouth Laser. Man, could this thing fly. It was quick and I always felt that my car was sexy. Maybe climbing in and out of the backseat felt like navigating though the womb, but I was typically the driver, so it didn't matter. It didn't matter that the hatchback leaked and there was always standing water in the trunk. It was my baby. And I drove the laser until she met an unexpected demise, as the transmission went ka-put and we sold her mostly for parts.

Then there was this amazing car. Red looked just like this Celica. I loved Red. She became my dearest friend during my freshman year in college. I had to beg and beg and beg for her. It worked. I always felt cute in this car. She, again, did not have the most comfortable backseat, but I loved her. She also went pretty stinking fast, but the steering wheel shook between 45 and 60 mph, and the radio sometimes went out during those speeds. Oh, and one year on Easter, we broke the trunk and it took very skilled hands to coax it closed. She went to about 180,000 miles. I gave her up when I purchased my first car with my own money.

Enter The Avenger. Now, mine is white and has really blacked out windows (check this earlier post for a current picture), but I thought it was more important to show how the Avenger looked in her prime. I wanted a car like this when it was new, and I purchased one 5 years later. I love the Avenger. She is still sitting in my driveway. The kids at work always think I have the coolest car, with the sunroof and the dark windows. I always felt like a bad-ass in the Avenger. Like people expected a sexy person to drive my car (or a punk kid). I felt like it surprised people to see someone like me get out of such a sporty, spunky, sexy car. Maybe I was delusional, I don't know. But I felt my car said a lot about who I was on the inside. So I guess it also said something about my inside that the sunroof leaks, the trunk leaks, the front is duct-taped together and it is generally unreliable.

So there's my progression. Wild, fast, carefree Laser. Cute, don't-mess-with-me Celica. Sexy, spunky, bad-assed Avenger.

And now I drive a Nissan Altima. With 4 doors. No sunroof. No tinted windows. With windshield wipers that work, a cargo net in the trunk, and so much space that I cannot reach my purse when it is in the backseat. With woodgrain interior, keyless entry, a place for my sunglasses, two cup holders, and radio controls in the steering wheel. A very practical car. A car that one can drive comfortably for long distances with more than 2 people in the car. A family car.

An adult car.

That's what this is about. Being an adult. I love my life. I love my car. I just haven't totally adjusted to the idea that I am an adult. I'll be 30 this year. And my car supports that fact.

And I'm just not ready.

I have no lid upon my head...

So let me just tell you how God totally orchestrated my day.

I convinced Nathan that we needed to attack this mechanic together. So we both took a vacation day to get it straightened out. We get to the shop and the mechanic/owner will not be there for another two hours. I think that this would be a good time to go somewhere else and get the brake switch replaced in Nate's truck. Nathan called multiple shops and no one could get him in until Monday. We were getting kinda frustrated. Then one of us thought about a dealership in the next town over. Sure enough, we call and they can take his truck "right now." Cool. So off we go. I had never paid much attention to this dealership and would never have stopped there on a whim.

As we pull in to the dealership (which has a total of about 20 cars on the lot), I spy with my little eye a car that I like: a beige Altima. (Three years ago, we had a Nissan Altima as a rental car and fell in love.) We take his truck back to the service department and meander over to the car. It is perfect. 2005, woodgrain interior, power everything, controls on the steering wheel, just a beauty. I mention to Nathan that I am just going to see what price they have on it. We go into the showroom and are approached by a middle aged man in a t-shirt and shorts. Very laid back. Said he saw us looking at the car, wondered if we wanted to drive it. I explained that we don't have a downpayment or a trade, and we are in a pinch with our other car. He explains that if our credit is good enough, we may not need a downpayment. He tells us to take the car for a spin and he'll have a some financing options for us when we get back.

Nathan and I hop in and take it to pick up the car that is in the shop. We agree on a monthly amount we could afford. We get to the mechanic and decide to just take the car with all the repairs. I didn't feel like I was making any headway, and I need a car. I was still unsure if we would be able to get the Altima for the price Nate and I had agreed on.

We get back to the dealership, and he has some ballpark figures drawn up for us. He shows us the office reports that show that as of today, they took $1000 off the price of the car. So we fill out some paperwork, get insurance, and meet with the financing guy. We decide on the 100,000 mile extended warranty. We see the monthly payment and as the finance guy is typing away on his computer, I say to Nathan, "Look...that's only $2 above the limit I set!" like I was very proud of our luck. Then the finance guy says, "Actually, that was just a close estimate. I need to take $2 off that payment." So now it's less than $.25 over. How crazy was that! I had just said that, and he was wrong. He did not do that for our benefit, we were already sold.

So off we drove in our new car. Isn't she a beauty?





(One day I will take pictures with my house in the background instead of my neighbor's.)

It was amazing how many things just fell into place today. We would have never shopped at that dealership. The only reason we were there was because they had an opening in their service schedule (a repair that cost $33). The financing worked out beautifully. Insuring the car was easy and fairly cheap, since we were adding it to an exisiting policy. When I bragged that we were so close to our estimate, he had made a mistake and we were right at our estimate. I handled the bully mechanic, again, with humility and grace (although I was so angry that he treated me totally differently with Nathan accompanying me). I felt okay with paying the full amount, and that is so different than how I felt yesterday.

Eating the last two days? Two thumbs down. I didn't even count dinner last night. I've counted today, but not stopping when I reached my point target (I went 5 over). I weigh in tomorrow. I dread it. What if the past two days of stress/celebration eating will bring me to a weight higher than my start weight? (With a two week total of -1.4, that is a possibility). Oh well. I've learned from this. I've stopped eating for the day. I've done all the damage I am willing to do. I can only hope that the effort I put in during the first 5 days of the week will make up for the destructive behavior of the last two.

I hope you all have a great weekend. It's beautiful in Kentucky! Tomorrow, I weigh in and then I am going to buy the rest of the supplies I need to finish brother-in-law's wedding gift. I think I may talk Nathan into playing Jesus Golf. And then we will clean in anticipation of Father-in-Law's visit here on Sunday.

Send me skinny vibes!!!

too much confusion...

(I actually said, "Too much confusion!" to the kids I work with on our field trip to the bowling alley today. So I sang Watchtower the whole time...as I was outbowled by several elementary school kids with severe emotional disorders.)

Will the drama never cease? Seriously.

I always knew I was a stress eater. I use food to calm, to comfort. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've figured that out. But I guess I thought that if I knew that, then I would automatically just stop doing it. But it's not that easy. Today's breakfast was the usual. Then at lunch, I really (I mean REALLY) wanted pizza. There's a new pizza place in town that reminds me of home. One of the few true Greenup County food staples. And they opened one here a few months ago. I knew they had a buffet, and figured that I'd be fine if I could get a lunch buffet to go. And I was right! I got a big salad and 2 pieces of pizza, even though the box they gave me could have held a 16-inch pizza. 2 pieces. I was so proud of myself. (Until a male co-worker who is trying to put on weight said, "Can you really eat pizza when you are on a diet?" as he ate his big, juicy meatloaf sandwich from the Fuegery.) But things went downhill from there. On the way home, my boss (and transportation) stopped at a convenient store, where I bought (and ingested) another Starbucks drink and a package of mini muffins. Horrible. Then I came home and made 2 cheese quesadillas on small corn tortillas. Not the frozen Kashi meals I have, or any of the healthy stuff I could make, but ooey gooey cheese.

I know it could have been much worse, and I appreciate and praise myself for some of the damage control I did. But the feeling was terrible. I felt so powerless to my need to comfort myself with food. It could have been much worse. Had I had transportation (Nate is in class, so he's got our one working vehicle), or if it wasn't very cold outside, I would have chosen Taco Bell or Dairy Queen or something similar for dinner. I actually considered walking the 2ish miles to Taco Bell, but I couldn't remember if there was sidewalks the whole way. I wanted food. I still want food. But there's just nothing at the house that I want.

The issue? My car. No, my mechanic. So when I dropped off the car Monday, the note said, "Please call me before you fix anything over x amount." We've had several vague conversations about the state of my car. I call today to see if he has diagnosed the issue, and (tah-dah!) he says that my car is ready for me to pick up. I am initially very impressed that it was less than my x amount, but then he gives me the total. The total is more than twice my limit. TWICE the amount plus $50. It's insane. So I go to talk to him, and my options are to pay it or to have him take all the parts back off. And considering he's already had it for 3 days, it's hard telling how long that would take. If he would have called me, like I asked, I would have told him not to fix it. But he didn't. And now what do I do?

I realize that I have led a very fortunate life, but today was the first time I have ever felt that I was treated differently because I am a woman. Sometimes at work I feel like I end up doing a lot because I have a woman's eye and I don't have ADHD, but that's different. Today I felt like the mechanic thought he could walk all over me, and get me to pay for repairs I did not authorize, because I am a woman. And it pissed me off. I so felt like it would have made a difference if I was a man or even if I had a man with me, based on the attitude and tone he took with me. And I don't know what to do. Do I take a man with me to prove my point? Do I continue to try to rectify the situation on my own, realizing that I may not get the outcome I want or deserve?

Let me say, at this point, that I was nothing short of polite and then some while conversing with said mechanic. I apologized many times for the "misunderstanding" and for my "ignorance of car lingo" when he told me where he believes he got my authorization to fix my car (which is a total load of crap). I attempted to problem solve and attempt to find a compromise, but he was having none of it. So where are things? I am at home, and my car is with the mechanic. I'm going to see him tomorrow and figure this mess out. All I know is that I am not paying 2x for the work he did. I do not doubt that he did work totalling that amount. The car was very sick. I just cannot believe he did not authorize the work.

But now it's time for Gray's Anatomy. And I deserve it. With my big glass of ice water. And a mini York Peppermint Patty. Yeah. Take that, Mr. Mechanic.

I will not take my love away

I have eaten almost out of control this evening. I do not know what my problem is. It started with work being totally crazy. The kids were out of control and I didn't handle it very well. So we went to the Fudgery. I had a grilled cheese sandwich and a scoop of ice cream. Then I came home. Sat around for a while and had an orange. Then a peppermint patty. Then another. Then a bowl of cereal. I stopped at that, though.

I think a part of my perceived powerlessness is related to my feelings of still not having a car. It's still in the shop. They got the brakes fixed today and were going to drive it around to try to diagnose the not starting/dying issue. I hope it doesn't cost a fortune. It probably will. I hate having to depend on people to pick me up for work and bring me home. I just hate it. There is a meeting tomorrow in an office I can walk to, so I'm thinking about walking there and hitching a ride to my primary office from there. Ugh.

I was on the Weight Watchers webboards tonight, and ran across a discussion entitled, "Ever look back at how you got fat?" Wow. Really, I don't think I have. I know it was mindless eating, and denial about my true size, that got me to this weight in the first place. But then, through a lot of hard work, I managed to find this person inside of all that blubber. (That's me on the far right.)

But then,

life happened.


Nothing major, not catastrophies. Just life and lazy. We got married. I went back to grad school. We bought a house (and put a lot of work into it). Life just happened. And over the couse of three years, the body that I had fought so hard to lose found me again. There was no medical emergency, no babies, no extreme stress to blame it on. There is no dramatic story to evoke sympathy or reason to feel sorry for me. There are only 2 reasons my fat found me: I love food and I am just lazy. (This is me, Nate, and bro Zak on Easter morning a few weekends ago.)

So that's where I am. Trying so hard to find it within myself to find myself again. I know there is a healthy person inside me, it's just going to take a lot of hard work to find her again. Who do I want to be? I know I do not want to be in the body I have today. I read a quote a few days ago that has stuck with me (I maybe repeating myself).

God loves the person I am today, but He loves me too much to let me stay this way.

I just hope I can find that love within myself.

whatever holds us down...

Ugh. So the Avenger is in at the mechanic. $300 just to make it "safe." That's without even looking under the hood. "Reliable" may be more than we are willing to pay. So it may be car shopping for us this weekend. I really want a Jeep Compass. We'll drive one, and then we'll see.

We have a kitchen full of dirty dishes. I don't understand where they all came from. It's like we go from clean kitchen to filty kitchen in no time. That's for tomorrow.

I realized why I was so disappointed with my (miniscule) loss last week. It wasn't the number, it was that I wasn't getting my reward. I really want a pedicure. Really. I got the one while Nate was in Atlanta, and now I'm spoiled. My toenails just look so much better when someone else shapes and paints them. But I got over it, bought some new polish, and they look only slightly clumsy.

I have eaten like crazy today. I feel like I have eaten all day long. Usual breakfast (all together! "starbucks and banana!"). We took a co-worker out to eat for winning the NCAA pool, so I had the ususal peanut-butter-banana-honey sandwich at the fudgery. I had carrots and endamame for a snack around 5. Then I ate curry rice and lentil leftovers for dinner. And that's when the craziness started. I had a Fiber 1 bar and a glass of milk. Half an hour later, a bowl of Wheat Chex. An hour later, an orange. When I sat down to blog, I made myself count up the points. 31? Really? Only 3 points into my weekly flex points? I am impressed that that amount of food felt so outrageous. I'm really changing my habits here! I used to have cereal every night. We had to throw out some spoiled milk last week (that NEVER happens). I am changing. And that's more important than what the scale says.

Still no gym this week. Being without a car is depressing. It was nice enough outside today that we could have taken a walk, but we didn't.

But now I have a bath awaiting. Before I go, here's my tentative meal plan for tomorrow:

B (6) - Starbucks and banana
L (6) - Kashi Sweet and Sour Chicken, Broccoli
S (3) - Banana and Fat Free Pudding
D (13) - No Clue, something less than 13 points (maybe an Asian salad and a chicken breast)

Please continue your prayers and thoughts for Virginia Tech. I made myself stop watching news coverage today. It was breaking my heart to put faces to my prayers. More importantly, though, I felt like a peeping tom, like I was invading their privacy. So I have stopped watching and reading. I do not need to know the details to pray for the ease of their pain.

like she's walking on a wire

Well, the car is okay today. I realize I still need to get it to a mechanic (that'll be Monday), but it comforting to know that at least for now, it is not absolutely necessary to buy a new car. I want car shopping to be fun and patient, not rushed and a necessity. I'm still looking around, though.

Today has been a really good day. It's still too cold here for my gauchos and flip flops (way too cold, actually) and I was a little bummed this morning. But I did try on a few pairs of capris that are almost wearable in public. Maybe they will be by the time the weather lets me wear them!

It's been a great day for food, and I'm really not sure what 's been different. Breakfast was the typical Starbucks and banana (6 points), lunch was a turkey sandwich and triscuits (7 points) and dinner was a smorgasboard of sorts. I couldn't decide what I wanted, so I spread it out over about an hour and had a little of everything: a bowl of wheat chex (5 points), a Fiber One bar and a small glass of milk (4 points) and half of a peanut-butter-banana-honey sandwich (4 points) and if I've done the math right, that leaves me with 2 points left for the day. I have been in my weekly flex a little more than I'd like this week, so I've stopped eating for the day.

During my running phase, I subscribed to Runner's World Magazine. I got the first one today. Only a little sad. It's making me second-guess putting off running. But I'm sticking to my plan right now.

I didn't go to the gym. It's just too cold and nasty outside. And, since the car talk started, I thought it was very important to make sure that our finances were in perfect order. That means balancing the checkbook, which I hadn't done since November. So that took a huge chunk of my evening. And now it's time for Grey's Anatomy. I know it's a rerun, but I hope it's not a stupid one.

I started the day feeling terrible that I didn't plan my eating for today, but now I am very pleased at how it turned out. Here is tomorrow's plan:

Breakfast (6 points)
Starbucks drink
banana

Lunch (8 points)
Salad with apples, oranges, walnuts
2 tbsp raspberry viniagrette
6 cracked pepper triscuits

Dinner (7 points)
Flat-Out pizza
Broccoli

Snacks (3 points)
Fiber 1 Bar
Popcorn

Have a great night!

i've seen your face before, my friend

The Avenger

Today may be the beginning of the end. My car sputtered to a stop on two seperate occassions today. She's been so good to me and she sure looks great for her age. I'm afraid, though, that her cruising days may be over. I'm still going to drive her (minimally, of course) until we get her checked out on Monday. We've put a limit on the amount we will pay to have her repaired, and if it's over that, we'll have to have a new car. Wouldn't that be terrible? I'm already window shopping.

But food wise, today has been a great day. After the half-bad banana for breakfast. The Starbucks drink was amazing, as always. Lunch was a great peanut-butter banana honey sandwich and some apple slices. Dinner was a nice salad and my creation: spinach dip lasagna. It was really good, but I'm not sure if it was worth the 10 points. It was relatively easy and it was fun to have Nate in the kitchen with me. So much green and cheese and whole wheat pasta... how could a girl go wrong? And then I had a 2-point Weight Watcher ice cream cup. Totally yummy.

I don't know where I am as far as motivation today. I just feel like I'm just having to make myself do what I know I'm supposed to do, and just hope that I'll be pleased with Saturday's weigh-in. If not, I may just have to weigh with my back to the scale or something. I hate that I am so motivated by a number. I wish that the improvements that I am making to my health would be enough for me to keep going. But so far, that is not the case.


I didn't even plan on going to the gym today. With fixing dinner and my night of television, I just didn't have exercise as a priority. Wow. Seeing that out there stings a little. Tomorrow, I will go the gym. Immediately after work. Work. Gym. Dinner. TV. Nate home from school. That sounds like a good plan to me!


I haven't been listening to podcasts recently. I'll try to have some insight for tomorrow.

And, to lighten things up, I decided to play another round of iPod Roulette (put iPod on shuffle and see what comes up! the good, the bad, the sometimes embarrassing).


#1 - Granny - Dave Matthews Band. Ahh...Granny. I was obsessed with this song for a while. Great song.


#2 - Ants Marching - Dave Matthews Band. (Live at Red Rocks) Well, 2 in a row. I listened to this cd over and over and over. I love the way he lets the crowd sing. "People in every direction. No words exchanged, no time to exchange them." I hope that's not the way I live my life. (And I can sing along with the really fast part. 'Cause I'm cool.)


#3 - Hiding Place - Jars of Clay. This is from their amazing "Redemption Songs" cd, a recording of old hymns. "Jesus, teach my soul to pray." I love what JOC can do to a song, the way they make them speak to me.


#4 - Like the Last Time - Matt Wertz. We saw him with Jars of Clay. I've learned that his music is great dishwashing music. It just makes me dance. And it's fun to dance and wash dishes at the same time!


#5 - Gone Daddy Gone - Violent Femmes. When I was at Bellarmine, Violent Femmes came and did a concert. It pretty much sucked. They did Blister in the Sun twice. I waited and waited to hear this song 'cause I love it. They played it, and then I left, picked Tony up at the dorms, and went to Taco Bell. Gnarls Barkley also does a good version of this song.


#6 - Reasons Why - Nickel Creek. I am so sad that they are breaking up. Great musicians make great music. "Where am I today? I wish that I knew." I feel like that sometimes. Just good stuff.


#7 - Over My Head (Cable Car) - The Fray. I like this song. It reminds me of the beach last summer. And aren't we all over our heads in some part of our lives?


#8 - In the Air Tonight - Recoil. I have a soft spot for covers, and a very soft spot for Phil Collins, so the they combine for this song! The drums are through the whole song, which makes it kinda anticlimactic. But I know that one day this will be an awesome running show.

#9 - House Carpenter - Nickel Creek. The second saddest song of all time, second only to NC's Lighthouse Tale. Seriously. Her old love comes back. She leaves her husband and her baby. They go sailing off. She misses her baby, gets angry and bitter. And the ship sinks. I've got to skip the rest of it.

#10 - Crazy - Alanis Morissette. Again, cover combo of a great song and a great artist. I love Alanis (references to her are all over this blog), and it's a really good song. A let loose song. Another song that would be great to run to.

Leave me your random 10! I'm off to watch America's Next Top Model and American Idol during commercials. Have a great night!

sail away with me to another world

Today has been really good. Got most of my housecleaning done, went on a nice walk with Nate, and ate really well today. I'm nervous about the (not one but) two wedding showers I have tomorrow. I want to keep doing well. I know how I am, and I tend to not do something if I can't do it all the way. And I feel like showers tomorrow leave me somewhat powerless. But I'm still a runner...I've been able to tolerate some gray area there...so I guess all hope isn't lost.


Nathan and I also looked at cars today. It's exciting that we are actually making plans to get a new car! I'll keep you posted on the search. Although we found the guy that we are buying from. We gave him our time frame, and he didn't try to push us. He also gave his card to me, not Nathan. Just seemed like a good guy.



My favorite thing about today was email theological discussions with Jen. Who ever thought that the waterfountain on the first day of kindergarten would make such a lasting impression. Thanks for your thoughts, Jen. Very much.



And Jen gave me a great quote today:


"If you want the rainbow, then I guess you gotta put up with the rain." ~Dolly Parton



Dolly sure knows what she's talking about.



Gotta finish cleaning my house and get ready for tomorrow's showers!

Grrr. I'm having trouble loading food pics, and I've got work to do, so no food pics today. (Waaa!)