if you could love someone like me

Ever have one of those mornings when everything seems wrong? That was the first few hours of my day. I used to have substantial headaches several times a week. Today was my first headache of the year. I was hoping that my new healthy lifestyle would make my headaches a thing of the past. So my anger/frustration/disappointment with my loss was really meant for my headache. But I took 2 Aleve, Nathan got me a Starbucks drink, I laid on the couch and watched X-Files, and all was fine by noon or so.

And you guys are right. I am proud of my loss. I worked hard for every ounce that I lost this week. I earned it! And I am not doing this for any number. I am doing this for me, and the way I feel.

Kinda along the same lines, I loved the sermon at church this weekend. He talked about how part of human nature is to ask "Why?" We want answers so we can put things in a nice little box and understand everything. He spoke of how Jesus didn't focus on the "why" but instead focused on what could be done, what needed to be changed. And then He did it.

I think I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out the "why" with my weight. I don't know how many of you are familiar with my history, but it looks something like this.

I thought I was fat in high school. I wore a 12. (I look back at pictures now and think I was so pretty!) Then I went to college and dated a runner. The one thing he wanted from me was for me to be athletic. I had no interest in that at all. We broke up, and to spite him, I began to run. I can remember visualizing his face on the pavement with every step I ran. I have no idea how much I weighed when I started, but I had to go out and buy new clothes by the time I was over him. I had this gray t-shirt dress that I loved. It was a large. (Isn't it terrible that I got healthy out of spite?)

It was at this point in my life that I started dating my husband. I weighed 175. I felt hot. Over the next 3 years, I got lazy. That's all there is to it. I moved to Lexington. I lived with my little brother and his best friend. I went to grad school. I ate a lot of foods that were horrible for me (hot pockets and frozen burritos), and I paid for gym memberships that I didn't use. And I was happy. I really was.

Then we get engaged. I had our wedding to look forward to. I went to Weight Watchers in March of 2003 and weighed 221. We got married in July 2003 and I weighed 199. For the next few months, I kept losing and my lowest weight was 176.

And then I hit a plateau. A plateau that lasted for 6 months, yo-yo-ing the same 4 pounds. And then life happened. I threw myself into a new job. We bought a huge old house. I started cooking convenience foods. Our elliptical machine started making terrible noises. I despised the Weight Watchers leader in our new town. I reverted back to old patterns - and the creamy, buttery foods tasted great eating them in front of the television again. I hit a weight of 239. Then I started to blog, made several unsuccessful attempts at Weight Watchers, got a new job and moved (again!) and a year later, I was still at 239. Through all of this, I was busy and life got kinda crazy, but for the most part I was happy.

And that brings me to ringing in 2008.

But getting back to my point. I don't have a big, all-encompassing "why." As much as I have tried to analyze myself over the years (and I am a therapist), I cannot come up with any trauma, or particurarly self-defeating patterns that have led to my lack of health. It has really made me nervous hearing things like, "You'll never keep the weight off if you don't have a handle on why you were fat in the first place." Like I won't be successful if I don't confront people who enabled me or if I don't deal with my deep-rooted psychological issues.

Screw that! I gained weight because I like butter, sugar, and fast food. I love food in large quantities. I gained weight because I like television and movies, and I like to eat while I watch. I like to lay around on the couch, covered in blankets, with my Scully cat on my lap. I became fat because I focused on what I wanted to do and eat as opposed to what I needed to do and eat. It's as easy as that.

It is okay that I don't have a specific "why" in my life. It is not imporant. What is important is the "what." What am I doing about my weight?

I am recording every-little-thing that I eat. I am trying very hard to distinguish between "hungry" and "munchy." I am only eating when I am hungry, and then I am eating until I am not hungry. I'm not eating to "full" just "not hungry."

I am exercising 6 days a week. I am exercising as hard as I can for as long as I can. When my body tells me to stop, I stop - unless it's in the first 10 minutes. Then I'm just being a whimp.

I have been given this body - it may be flabby, but it does what I ask it to do. It's a good body. It knows its limits, it knows its needs. I just need to get my head and emotions out of it and let it do what it wants to do, and it wants to be healthy.

I think a big part of the sin in my life is gluttony. Being content to be lazy. Eating way beyond the fuel that my body needs. The "why" isn't important anymore. So I'm gonna stop trying to figure it out. It's what needs to be done that I need to focus on.

And I'm on it!

one more time, let's go there

Wow. What an amazing weekend we had!

We started off my 30th birthday with sleeping in and breakfast from Cosi (as mentioned in my previous post). We got all fancy and headed to Berea. Our first stop was the Artisan Center where I had a (very unhealthy) veggie plate for lunch. (I am a sucker for corn pudding.)

Then Nathan bought me this very very cool bowl that is now sitting on our dining room table. It was hard to find something in the very traditional craft setting that would work in our somewhat modern house, but I don't stop until I am successful!
We visited Nathan's family friends' 50th Wedding Anniversary Celebration. It was wonderful being around people who had been so happy for so long. We got some good marriage advice, and I got to hear stories of Nathan when he was a kid. Good times.

From there, we headed to the area around Berea College and continued to look around. Nathan's love of stringed instruments led us to the Dulcimer shop. I thought the window was pretty, so I took a picture.Dinner at Boone Tavern was AMAZING. I had the pork and Nathan had the duck (see menu here). I really wanted to have their "Race Day Pie" but I couldn't hold another bite. (I think it's funny that "Derby Pie" is copyrighted.) It doesn't matter what you call it, pecan pie with chocolate chips is hard to beat.

From there we headed to Berea Coffee and Tea, where I had a mocha and Nathan had a regular coffee. I love being around a college campus. If it weren't for debt, I'd go to college forever. But there is such a thing as debt. Oh well.

On the way home, we stopped and bought a bottle of wine. We spent the rest of the evening watching Scrubs, in our pajamas, with white zinfandel. Good birthday.

Then, today, I got the amazing birthday present of fall backwards. That extra hour of sleep was great. I got up, did my devotional, and we got ready for church. We went to Southland with Kent this morning. I was initially kinda uncomfortable - I'm not a fan of contemporary music. It feels forced and concert-ish to me. But then I remembered why I enjoy Southland.

The preaching is awesome.

Today there was a guest preacher from Charlotte (sorry I don't remember his name). He told the story of the Hoyt family, of a father who loved his disabled son so much that he completed the Ironman with his son in tow. It was an amazing story, and it showed a small piece of what God is willing to do for us. I cried a lot. It was very moving.

(I have unfortunately forgotten my youtube password, and I don't have time to go through all the hoops to figure it out. But you should follow the link above and watch the video. It is really amazing.)

We then went with two other couples and Kent to Guiseppe's. I have always thought it was some great Italian restaurant, and it was good, but it wasn't as good as the price. We then went to Kohl's and I found another Vera Wang sweater (yay!), and I came home to clean house.

Nathan went and got us an awesome dinner: brie, grapes, bread, and we finished the white zinfandel. Yumm.

I'm kinda dreading going back to the real world tomorrow. This has been such an awesome weekend!

Anyone who is not happy about turning 30 - come to central Kentucky, and I can show you how to ring it in right!

tonight I'll lie in the wide open field

I do not know if I can explain to you how awesome last night was.

I'll tell you first that Nickel Creek once again said no to photography, but I snuck two pictures, without flash, and this is the best I could do.

So we had dinner at Panera with our dear friends from the Fudgery. And then we head to the theatre. Our seats were front row center. We laughed a lot at the opening/warm up comedian. And then Nickel Creek were on stage. Right in front of us. I could have touched Chris Thile or Sara several times, but I'm not a freak. So they play, and we are close enough to hear their banter, and Chris interacted with us a few times. Neat-o. They played all our favorites (House Carpenter, Helena, the Fox, Can't Complain) and ended the show. Of course, they came back out for an encore. They invited people to come and sit up on stage (hence the heads in front of us). We opted to stay in our front-row standing position. They played a few songs and then, out of no where, Chris Thile points at Nathan (my husband!) and says, "What do you want to hear?" Nathan responds quickly with Raggle Taggle Gypsy, a song they did with the Chieftans several years ago. It took them a while to figure it out, but they seemed impressed with his choice and made it through. They took a few other requests, but the Mandolin guy picked Nathan out of the crowd! Just awesome. (You can read a review here.)


The University of Kentucky paper (Kentucky Kernel) posted other pics today that are much better than mine.

In other news, this house stuff is really annoying me. I think I told you all how it rained in our kitchen, which resulted in trying to fix the ceiling, which was unsightly. So today they scraped and restomped the ceiling. It looks nice, but I cannot say the same for the huge (and I do mean very large) scuff mark on our kitchen wall. A big, black mark that will not scrub off. I guess that means that Mr. Repair Man (or the company that repairs our stuff) will be painting to have our wall repainted. And that's just what we can see in the horrible light (the light fixtures won't be put back in until tomorrow). Grrrr.

I am also slightly irritated about my birthday. I'm just a few more than single-digit days away from being 30. We had plans. We were going to drive about an hour, eat at a restaurant I really like, and shop. But we get an invitation to a party for family friends' of Nathan's 50th Wedding anniversary party on my birthday. (I know it's confusing, but I tried several times to phrase it better. Read it again if you need to.) No big deal. It's in the same town as my restaurant. What luck! We can shop earlier on, stop by the party, eat at my restaurant, drive home for some birthday alone time...We still had a great plan. I wasn't even thinking. They are family friends. We live between the family and the friends. So now we are having company (Nate's mom and boyfriend, Nate's brother, and wife). Going to the party together. Overnight guests.

I know I sound incredibly selfish. I guess I am. 30 is a big day. I was dreading it for a while, but then I decided to embrace it. A celebration of who I am and who I want to be. Sure, we can celebrate my birthday the next weekend, but then I'll be 30 and 7 days. I feel like we share big holidays with the families. And 5 times out of 7, birthdays and anniversaries and Valentine's Day falls during the week. I know nothing will change, I don't want to make a scene and change things, but I'm unhappy. I want my birthday! On my birthday!

I do sound really selfish, don't I?

all you need is love!

Today has been full of packing. Packing, packing, packing. I know we aren't moving for over a month, but between working, commuting, and plans for the next three Saturdays, our time is limited. And I like packing while we are still really excited.

I'm taking a break right now.

During my break, I came across today's post by Fat Bridesmaid. She has a list of ten things she hates, and a link to the same meme at Adventures in BabyWearing. I decided to alter it a little, and I'm listing 10 things I LOVE. (And, you'll notice FB, my list of loves is similar to your list of hates!)

Food: I love tortillas. A burrito, a sandwich as a wrap, scrambled eggs and cheese in a tortilla, a slice of cheese folded into a tortilla and microwaved. Yum. Flour, wheat, corn, doesn't matter. Flat and round is all I need.

Fruit: I absolutely love oranges. You have to take time to eat them, be focused, not stick my thumb nail too far through the skin into the good part. Yum, oranges.

Veggies: Although I loved carrots cooked in honey and mustard, my favorite veggie is the sweet potato. I could eat them every day.

Celebrity/People: I used to really like Oprah, but then I realized that she likes herself a little too much. I love Rachael Ray. She's really close to being too chipper and obnoxious, and that endears her to me. She is comfortable with who she is and she made her dreams happen. And most of my cooking skills and comfort with experimenting in the kitchen is thanks to her.

Event/Situation/Incident: I love weddings. People I know, people on tv, A Wedding Story. Weddings pull me in and make me happy. The most recent one for us was Nathan's brother, Luke. (Notice Nathan still standing up there. Isn't he a cutie?

TV Shows/Movies: As embarrassed as I am to say this, my favorite show is What Not to Wear. I know I have so many cooking shows and HGTV shows and funny shows to choose from (like Arrested Development), but I love watching Clinton and Stacy tear people apart and then watching the poor, underfashioned person immerge as a self-confident and self-loving person. It's a transformation that I would love to have. But I don't think my current style is bad enough.

Music: One word: Nickel Creek.

Household Chores: I don't think I love any chore, but I don't despise laundry all that much.

Around the World: I love that some people have the ability and drive to make taking up for others their life's work. Whether it is building an orphanage, being a missionary, or working in a soup kitchen, every little bit helps to make the world better for someone else.

About Myself: I like my ability to make others see my perspective without being aggressive. I really like that I can do my (pretty tough) job well and feel like I have done some good. I love that I can listen to someone in a way that makes them feel heard. I love that I am motivated to make myself better.

What about you? I'm tagging some folks. We need more positivity around here!

I tag 10 bloggers that I love!

1. Annie
2. Fat Bridesmaid
3. AMuldoon
4. Briana
5. Aimee
6. Mousaroo
7. Shirley
8. Angie
9. Sarah
10. Jeannie

you held your breath and the door for me

Yesterday was a much better day. I am really taking this "I choose me" thing yesterday to heart. Not when I find a new house. Not when I sell my current house. Not when I decide to run again. I choose today. I choose me.

Eating was much better yesterday. I didn't count, but it was better. I had my usual Starbucks drink for breakfast. Around noon, I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Around 3, I had a turkey sub from subway. Then for dinner I had a smoked sausage on a wheat bun and an ear of corn. Then an ice cream cone. No snacking between meals, no cramming as many triscuits into my mouth as possible during American Idol, just responsible controlled eating. Go me!!

Things are progressing well with the potential to purchase a house at auction on Saturday. We have the financial okay from our lender, and we are getting the landscaping done on our current house in order to put it up for sale. This is all very exciting.

Last night, I finished the book I was working on, Fat Girl by Judith Moore. I hate to say that I wasn't impressed. It just made me feel like crap. Moore discusses the reasons and complications of being fat as a child. I really had to make myself finish it. She had a terrible childhood. Abandoned by her father, living with her crazy abusive mother, dealing with the grandmother anyone would despise, and being on an almost constant diet from early childhood. I can imagine how a terrible childhood where eating was so strongly discouraged and so much of self-worth was put on weight could destroy any hope of healthy eating habits. I guess I'm saying that she has an excuse. She lived through so much crap related to being fat. She has an excuse to have issues with food.

And where does that leave me? No reason for food issues. I had an amazing childhood. I was competitive for academics and attention, but no more than other children are competitive. I have an amazing family. I had great friends from elementary school through graduate school. I have never gotten any outside influence to tell me that I am any less of a person because I am fat. Any message I have like that has come from inside me.

I believe that my food issues are about sin. I am seeing that through reading Sex God by Rob Bell. I'm not that far into it (I'm not feeling "heavy" reading right now), but in the opening chapter, he talks about how any relationship, to person or thing, is a reflection of my relationship with God. No matter what my issue, no matter what I think it is about, it is really about me and God. My relationship with my health? I am gluttonous and lazy. And the result of that is insecurity and a feeling of being unworthy of love, from God, myself, or anyone else. I am still having trouble giving that up. I want to fis it on my own. I want control. Strange that I feel out of control...

Thinking back, there have been times that I felt in control of my eating and my weight. The first time I can remember was my senior year in high school. I think it was at that point in my life that I realized that there was food that tasted good and was good for me. For lunch most days my senior year (unless there were Taco Boats), I brought a turkey sandwich, a banana, and s vanilla pudding snack pack. One of my friends would get an extra 2% milk as she went through line, and I was set. I loved my lunch. I never felt deprived or cheated.

College created so many healthy challenges for me. One of the biggest was the cafeteria. I didn't gain much more than the freshman 15, but that's because of all the hills I climbed walking to class. I never binged in the cafeteria, but there were some nights that my roommate and I would finish off a bag of Frito's Scoops and a can of cheese during some sappy movie that the roomie made us watch. My junior year of college, things changed for me. I was finally starting to get over a break-up that happened a year earlier (hi Tony!), and the way I got over that was exercise. The roomie and I would walk on the treadmill every day to watch a Wedding Story. (It's amazing what love-starved girls will do to get to verbally abuse the weddings of others.) Some days, I would go to the park and run. And most days I worked out in the weight room between classes, when no one else was there. I loved it. I loved the feeling of being in control of my body and my eating. I controlled my eating a month at a time. One month I gave up Taco Bell. The next month, I added french fries to the list. The next month I added all fried foods, then white bread then elevators. (Not really food, but it helped.) When Nathan and I started dating, I was 170. That is the lowest in my adult life. And I looked great.

How did I get from here to there? I don't know. Four years later, I went to Weight Watchers at 221. A year (and a wedding!) later, I was at 175. Somehow, three years later, I was 226 and back at Weight Watchers. 6 weeks later, I am here, and 224.

Wow. I posted my weight. That is huge. (Not the number, but the fact that I said it. Oh wait, yes, the number is also huge.)

Food plan:
B: Starbucks
L: Turkey sandwich, banana, vanilla pudding
D: something not fried at the Movie Tavern

Have a great Wednesday. And will someone send me the highlights from tonight's American Idol?

you're my satellite...

I am exhausted and anxious. Despite those things, I am still hungry.

Last night was a whirlwind. Today I get to work until 6:30 and then drive 3 hours to be with my family during my grandfather's exploratory surgery (they found some cancer last week). Around 4 today, the family-in-law is starting to arrive at my house for brother-in-law's wedding on Saturday. That meant a lot of cleaning. Tomorrow after the surgery I drive 3 hours back for the rehearsal dinner and then wedding weekend has officially began.



Oh yeah, last night was a whirlwind. I needed to be wedding ready. So I got a haircut. I'm a sucker for before and after pics, so this is yesterday:










And this is today. (I colored my hair last night too...just a little lighter).

My toes also looked pathetic so I got a pedicure. Yes, I am aware that the color totally blends in with my toes...my dress is a sort of coral color, so I thought it was important to go neutral.

My house is clean, I'm packed, and I'm nervous. I'm nervous to drive alone, I haven't done it in years. I'm nervous that Papaw will be really sick and I'll have to decide between being with my family and my married-into-family. I'm most afraid taht the news will be bad, and I'll have to deal with it without Nathan.


But, as I press everything down and continue some sense of denial, I will share my epiphany.


I now know why Nathan thinks I'm pretty.


I am an optical illusion.


While taking my "before haircut" picture yesterday, I tried to take it in the mirror. At eye level. I looked terrible. All puffy and neckless and round faced...or just round in general. I was getting pretty upset. But then I decided to take it from arms length. Somehow the camera magically gravitated up and tah-dah! I don't look grotesque in the picture. I look strikingly different if I am photographed from eye level versus above. I have never before been thankful for being short, but I will forever be thankful now.


I'm glad Nathan is tall. I hope the photographer at the wedding is tall as well.


Oh, and the dude I interviewed with last week called last night and said he had some unforseen events, and he wants me to come in for a group interview next week. That is very exciting!


Food choices? I'm not even going to go there.


It'll probably be Sunday night before I post again, but I will keep you all updated.

take the time to get to know me

So FatBridesmaid sent me my interview questions, and I love them! But first, here's how my eating day shaped up.

Breakfast, as always, as planned. The Asian salad was amazing. Then I had a Fiber 1 bar for a snack. We grilled cajun spiced shrimp, red potatoes, and I tried my hand at cheese grits. I did a pretty good job. Then I had a Healthy Choice Mocha bar and a small york peppermint patty. So today was a good day!

Now, on to the interview.

1. You and your husband, Nate, are adorable. How did you meet?


I actually met Nathan in middle school. My friends and I had gone to see the first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. Nate and his friends flirted with us by throwing popcorn. He insists, to this day, that he did not throw popcorn (and, reading over my shoulder, he also denies the flirting). He's not that big of a rebel. Then we became good friends in high school and kept in touch through college. We started dating our junior year in college (we were about an hour apart) and got married four years later. Excuse the picture quality...I took pictures of the pictures in a scrap book. First is high school graduation (sexy Kent!) and second is senior prom.














2. I'm a big fan of short hair and judging by the photos in your sidebar you chopped a good chunk of your hair off. What possessed youto give your hair the heave ho and how do you like it so far?

This isn't the first time I chopped my hair off. The first time, I did it so I could be Nathan for Halloween. Needless to say, I was much thinner then. This time, I decided to cut my hair because I was using it as an excuse. I hated it curly, and it took over an hour to straighten. I wouldn't go to the gym because I didn't want to mess up my hair or because it took so long in the morning, I didn't want to get up any earlier to go to the gym. I had so much hair, and it was so hot, that it pretty much stayed in a ponytail anyway. I LOVE my short hair. It's just wash and go. It is wonderful. Do I get to the gym as much as I thought I would? No.

3. One of my favorite things about your blog is that you insert a lotof pop culture references and water cooler banter. With that in mind,who do you think is going to win this cycle of America's Next TopModel (my money is on Renee) and dude, what's going on with McDreamy and Meredith on Grey's Anatomy?

I really wanted Jael to win ANTM. Now, I really don't know. I like Brittney, but she was such a pansy last week. As much as I hated the Russian chick, she's strarting to grow on me. What intitially came across as snobbishness and attitude I think is actually insecurity and a desire to fit in and be loved. I think she has a shot. And as far as Grey's goes, I don't mind them messing with Meredith and Derrick. I mean, they are finally showing more of their relationship than just sex, but their drama keeps the show going. I think they'll be fine. Although if the writers screw with Christina and Burke, I'll be very angry. They have to work. They are supposed to work. That's all I have to say about that.

4. What do you think is your biggest obstacle when it comes to losing weight?

My biggest obstacle is laziness. I know from experience that the only way I will lose weight is if I exercise consistently. I don't want to. I want to stay in bed in the mornings. I want to come home, eat, maybe do dishes, and watch tv. There is little in me that wants to be active. I know that all I have to do is exercise for a few days and then I'll get in the habit and I will feel soo much better, but I just can't make myself do it right now. I have a car to joyride around in!

5. You're married and I'm going to be a bridesmaid in about six months. Got any advice on how to keep The Bride happy?

My maid of honor was fabulous. She provided gentle guidance and reassurance. When I was paranoid that Nathan was not going to show or had left, she checked repeatedly to make sure he was still at the church. She assured me that, yes, the photographer was in the sanctuary and, yes, the favors were in place at the reception and, no, my dress was not tucked into my (bright blue) underwear. I asked a lot of questions, and none of them were stupid to her. She handled my paranoia with grace and peace. And she also thought of things that I was too excited to think about. Like, before pictures, she gracefully said, "It's kinda warm in here, do you want to freshen your makeup?" It needed it, from the tears and the kissing, but I was too happy to think about that. And she brought it up in a way that was tactful and sweet. I will always be grateful.
I don't know what was going on in this picture, but I love the look (dark-headed) maid-of-honor is giving Nate in this picture. All I know is that that day was, without question, the best day of my life.

6. What's your greatest accomplishment to date?

You know, this may be your hardest question. There are so many possibilities. I make an amazing flour-less chocolate cake. We refinished a 1895 home (including sanding floors!). I have some photographs and some mix cds that I am extremely proud of. But, beyond all that, I think my greatest accomplishment is our marriage (i know, gag!). Nathan is my best friend. There is nothing about me that he doesn't know and doesn't accept. I have allowed myself to be totally transparent with him, and that is not easy for me to do. We do not argue, fight, or have unrealistic expectations of each other. We accept each other for who we are and use our own strengths to fill in the weaknesses of the other. I believe this is a huge accomplishment for me because, pre-Nathan, I thrived on drama. I was always in some crazy, unstable, unpredicatble thing that resembled a relationship. High school and college were a string of destructive relatinships, and I think a lot of that was because I didn't love myself enough to think I was worthy of something clean and pure and beautiful. I love my marriage. I feel always safe, secure, and worthy.

Wow. That was fun! And kinda hard. I loved the questions. Thanks so much for your interest and for taking the time to really ask relevant questions.

So, is anyone up to be interviewed by me? Just express your desire in the comments.

It's almost time for King of Queens! Yay!